As I watched Troy and Alex, panic gripped me like a tight hand around my throat, making it hard for me to breathe. I couldn't utter a sound, and my mind was reeling when I slid off the stool and started toward them.
"Josh, wait!" Holly called after me, but my entire focus was on the man who had been in my bed, and inside me, last night. The noise of the bar, along with all the people surrounding me, faded until I wasn't aware of them at all. It seemed to take years for me to reach Troy, and when I finally stood before him, he lifted his head. Whatever he saw in my face made him freeze, and even Alex stopped talking.
"Josh," Troy began.
"Everything okay here?" I asked. Somehow I managed a weak smile while looking from him to Alex.
Troy's ex-boyfriend let his stare travel over my body from head to toe, as if that single glimpse could tell him all he needed to know about me. When his eyes locked with mine once more, he wore a smile of mild amusement, and I felt the sudden urge to punch him. "Everything's fine," he told me. "And you are?"
I turned to Troy again, hating myself for the entreating look I gave him. Tell him, Troy, I wanted to say. Tell him who I am to you. As I waited for him to respond, I could have sworn I felt my heart stop beating.
When Troy did speak, it wasn't to reveal how much he cared for me, and how much I meant to him. Instead, he shot Alex a furious look, his eyes flashing. "It's none of your goddamn business who he is, Alex. You don't get to ask questions like that anymore!"
A wounded sound, faint and pathetic, escaped me then. Alex ignored me while feebly insisting his question was an innocent one. But Troy's stare was fixed on my face, and I knew he could see the anguish threatening to overwhelm me. Again he said my name, but I held up my hands, desperately wanting them both to be quiet. "Sorry I interrupted," I said, my voice amazingly steady. "You two enjoy your night." When Troy reached for me, I shook him off, my eyes holding a warning. "Don't."
Turning on my heel, I strode toward the bar counter where Holly waited. On the way, I noticed Kayla watching me. As soon as I saw her pained expression, I had to blink back tears. Not long ago, she'd had her heart broken as well, and I couldn't bear the wordless understanding we shared in a single glance.
Holly appeared stricken as well, her fingers pressed to her lips. "I'm leaving," I told her in a shaky voice. She'd given me a ride to the bar, and I figured she might not be ready to head out yet; she wasn't even halfway finished with her drink. "You stay and enjoy yourself, Holly. I'll call an Uber and wait outside."
"Absolutely not!" she said, quickly rising to her feet. "I'll take you home, Josh."
As we made our way to the door, I refused to look in Troy's direction. He must have tried to follow us, because I heard Holly say, "Not now, Troy. Let him go."
Even Hank looked solemn as he held open the door for me and Holly. "Take care of yourself, Josh," he said, sounding as if he never expected to see me again. And maybe he wouldn't. While my lips trembled violently under the weight of unshed tears, I didn't trust myself to speak, so I only nodded in reply.
"Thanks again for the drink," Holly murmured to Hank.
"Hope you'll come by for another soon," he said.
As Holly and I walked toward her car, neither of us spoke. A mild breeze ruffled our hair, but the beautiful night was wasted on me. Taking a few deep breaths to quell my tears, I grew a little calmer. Hadn't I expected something like this all along? I asked myself. Hadn't the doubt always lingered in the back of my mind, whispering that I'd end up losing Troy to someone else?
Only after Holly pulled out of the lot and started driving toward my apartment did she say, "Josh, I'm sorry."
I couldn't look at her. Instead, I gazed out the passenger window. "It's okay," I told her, my voice soft and distant. "We don't need to talk about it."
Holly fell silent again, leaving me to my tormented thoughts. The drive to my apartment didn't take long, and when she parked in front of the building, I had to swallow back tears as I turned to her. "I'm sorry I ruined your night."
"You didn't!" She reached for my hand. "I'm sorry about what happened at the bar, but I have no doubt you and Troy will work this out. And if you need me for anything at all, I want you to call me, okay?"
I forced a wan smile for her benefit. "Thanks for being such a wonderful friend."
Holly hugged me then. "You're sure you don't want me to come inside with you?"
"I'm sure," I whispered. "Get home safe."
As soon as I let myself into my apartment, I strode toward the cabinet and retrieved the bottle of bourbon. I was shaking so much I could barely pour myself a drink, sending some of the liquor sloshing over the side of the glass. The first several gulps made me wince, but the booze soon did its job, numbing me into a stupor.
There was no way I'd be able to sleep, I knew, so I sat on the couch, staring into the darkness. As minutes stretched into hours, I prayed Troy would come, prayed he would reveal to me that he'd told Alex to go fuck himself. It was well after two in the morning when I heard his familiar knock. After turning on a lamp, I hurried to open the door.
We stared at each other for a long moment. "Can I come in?" Troy finally asked. Wordlessly I opened the door wider so he could come inside. "I'm sorry Alex upset you tonight."
I wanted to say that he'd upset me plenty, too. Instead, I watched him sink down on the couch, his stare lingering on my empty glass on the table. As I sat down next to him, I realized that while we were just inches apart, it might as well have been miles. "Why the hell was your ex-boyfriend even at the bar tonight?" I demanded.
Troy released a heavy sigh, avoiding my eyes. "He wanted to apologize."
"After all this time?" My laugh was bitter. "No, Troy, he wanted more than that. I saw the way he looked at you. And why didn't you ask him to leave?"
Troy finally looked up at me, his expression one of indignation. "It's a public place, Josh. I couldn't just order him out!" Running his fingers through his hair, he slumped back against the couch, and I could tell he was choosing his next words carefully. "The thing is, Alex and I were good friends long before we got involved. He was the one person I could count on to be there for me. He understood all the shit going on with my family, and..." Troy's voice trailed off for a moment. I clasped my hands tightly together in my lap, wishing I didn't have to hear about how wonderful Alex had been. "While we were dating," Troy continued, "Alex's drinking became an issue, and we fought about it a lot. In fact, he was shitfaced when I caught him blowing a guy at a friend's party. After that, he promised he would stop drinking, but I was done."
"So why is he showing up now?" I asked again, trying to understand how my world had been turned upside down in a single evening.
"I told you, he wanted to apologize, and he wanted me to know he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since we broke up."
"Okay, so he's apologized, and he's sober. That's fantastic. Now he can leave you the fuck alone."
I could sense Troy withdrawing from me; the distance between us was turning into a chasm. "It's not that simple, Josh," he said quietly. "Don't get me wrong, I don't have romantic feelings for Alex, but I do miss his friendship."
Briefly closing my eyes, I struggled to subdue my pain and anger. When I spoke again, my voice trembled with emotion. "Do you understand the position you're putting me in here?" I asked. Troy started to look away, but I grabbed his arm. "No, look at me. If I say I don't want you to be friends with your ex, I come off as a controlling asshole. And if I say I don't mind him being in your life, I will be lying through my teeth, because I have always feared losing you to someone like him."
"You're not going to lose me." Troy covered my hand with his and gave it a squeeze. "I need you to trust me, Josh."
I quickly pulled away as if his touch burned me. "I've tried to be everything you need," I whispered. "I don't understand why I'm not enough."
"Josh, come on." Troy shook his head like he was disappointed in my reaction.
It was killing me that he wouldn't say our relationship meant more to him than Alex's friendship. Tears filled my eyes, and I pressed my palms hard against my closed lids. I would not break down right now. Again Troy reached for me, and again I pulled away. "I think we should take a break," I blurted out before I could stop myself.
"What?" Troy cried. "Baby, you don't mean that."
Giving him a hard stare, I said, "I do mean it. You need to figure out what you want, Troy."
"Goddammit, Josh, you know I want you! But am I not allowed to have any friends?" He held out his hands as if pleading for me to be reasonable.
"Not ones you used to fuck!" I snapped. "Not ones who clearly still want to fuck you."
Troy set his jaw in a firm line. I knew that look by now; it meant he was digging in his heels, refusing to back down. "This is really what you want?" he asked in a low voice.
I turned away, unable to meet his stare. The pain inside me was so raw, it robbed me of my very breath for a few seconds. Yet I managed to nod.
Troy climbed to his feet. "Fine, I'll give you space, Josh," he said. "But just remember, you made this choice, not me."
I stayed where I was, my muscles screaming with tension. I feared if I moved at all, I would crumble before Troy and beg him to stay. It was only after he left the apartment, closing the door softly behind him, that I covered my face with my hands and began to sob.
*****
Days turned into a week, and then another, and still I didn't hear from Troy. During that time, I barely ate or slept. My grief felt like a weight draped over my shoulders, and I feared I would buckle beneath it.
I could tell Holly was hurting for me; each time our eyes met while we worked together in the library, her expression darkened with concern. As much as I wanted to, I didn't ask her about Troy, since it wouldn't be fair to put her in the middle, but she made a point to reveal that Troy was clearly upset. She also mentioned she hadn't seen Alex at their place. Though her words provided me with a little solace, my anguish soon morphed into depression, and not even Mrs. Sinclair's antics could make me smile. The first time the elderly woman playfully teased me about Troy, I had to flee the front desk, leaving Holly to quietly explain the situation. After that, Mrs. Sinclair was far more subdued around me, careful with her words.
Two weeks of silence from Troy became three, and I began to think I'd never hear from him again. While I often hated myself for pushing him away, and for ruining the best thing that had ever happened to me, I also knew I needed more from Troy than he was apparently able to give.
It was when I was at my absolute lowest, feeling emotionally stripped and weak with longing for Troy, that a man strolled into the library, catching my eye. I'd never seen him before, and even through the haze of my sadness, I noted his tall, wiry frame, and the fine suit he wore. He looked to be in his mid-thirties, and his light brown hair, cut short and neat, held a bit of a wave. When his eyes met mine, he gave me a lovely smile.
For the first time in weeks, I managed a genuine smile of my own. I left the front desk, unable to resist the pull of this man. Ignoring Holly's curious stare, I approached the stranger. After greeting him, I asked if I could help him find anything. When he mentioned a novel currently receiving much critical acclaim, my smile widened. "I've read that one," I told him. "You'll love it. And you're in luck, because a copy was checked back in just this morning."
"Wonderful!" He held out his hand, and I readily shook it. "I'm Graham, by the way. I just moved here, and the office where I work is only a little ways down the street." His dark green eyes were warm as he regarded me.
"I'm Josh. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Graham and I chatted, making easy conversation while I got him signed up for a library card. Once he was all set and ready to check out the novel he wanted to read, he clasped his hands on the desk, leaning toward me. "I really appreciate your help today, Josh."
"I'm always happy to help," I replied, and I realized my voice had lowered to a murmur. It sounded seductive, which wasn't what I'd intended. "You'll have to let me know what you think of the book."
A smile played at his lips. "Forgive me if this isn't appropriate, but would you be interested in having coffee with me later? I hardly know anyone in town, and it would be great to talk with you and learn more about the place."
I blinked at him, momentarily stunned into silence. Was this man actually asking me out? Behind me, I heard Holly clear her throat softly just before she left the front desk. It was obvious she'd overheard everything. I watched her walk away, then turned back to Graham. God, he had a gorgeous smile! "I'd love to have coffee with you," I told him. While I spoke, a little of the weight seemed to lift from my shoulders, and I stood up straighter.
We made plans to meet at a nearby coffee shop after work. As Graham headed out of the library, I allowed my stare to move over his retreating form. Taking in the sight of his long legs, I imagined myself kneeling before them. That thought made a spark of lust ignite low in my belly, and I hurried to focus my attention elsewhere. Graham and I were getting together as friends, I told myself firmly, nothing more.
Hours later, I entered the coffee shop and found Graham waiting for me. He greeted me with a warm smile, climbing to his feet as I approached the table. "Thanks for joining me," he said.
"I've been looking forward to it," I replied, then tried not to cringe at my words. Jesus, why did I sound like I was flirting every time I spoke to this man? If Graham noticed my discomfort, he didn't show it. We ordered our coffees and lingered over the drinks while sitting across from each other and chatting. I suggested some local shops and restaurants for him to check out, along with a museum and a park with plenty of nature trails.
"Sounds perfect," Graham told me. "I'll be working long hours for the foreseeable future, but at least I'll have plenty to do when I'm not in the office." He tilted his head, studying me for a moment. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was wondering how old you are, Josh."
"Twenty-four," I said, then hurriedly added, "almost twenty-five."
"Ah, I remember those years." Graham sighed, looking downright nostalgic. "Everything seemed possible at that point in my life."
I couldn't help but grin at his wistful tone. "You can't be all that much older than me."
"I'm thirty-six," he said. "Practically an old man."
"You certainly don't look like an old man," I murmured before I could stop myself.
Graham raised an eyebrow, appearing pleased at my words. "And are you single, Josh?"
"Uh, yeah." Staring down at the table, I thought of Troy and felt the familiar pain wash over me yet again. "I was seeing someone, but we're taking a break."
"I understand," Graham said. "Relationships are a lot of work. I'm not sure I'm cut out for a serious one, but I certainly enjoy spending time with gorgeous men like you."
I looked up at him, my eyes widening a little. He made no attempt to hide his desire, and the realization that he wanted me made my cock twitch. Though my heart might still be broken, my libido was apparently just fine. "Would you like to go to my place?" I asked. Simply uttering those words caused my pulse to quicken.
"I'd love to," Graham said without hesitation. "I'll follow you in my car so I can learn my way around this town."
Less than fifteen minutes later, Graham was standing in my apartment. He immediately gravitated toward the bookcase, studying the titles. "Ah, you have some of my favorites here!" he said. We began discussing novels we'd read countless times, referring to those books the way we would old friends. Eventually, we ended up on my couch, still talking literature. Graham turned to face me, his arm propped up on the back of the couch. "I'm really glad you and I met, Josh." His smile encouraged me to inch closer.