My wife and I weren't the first to arrive at the party, but we weren't the last either. I initialed the sign-in sheet and then added a plus one after our names. The hostess raised her eyebrows to ask if I was following the rules. I nodded, and she nodded in return.

One of the other guests called out, “Hey Speedy! Glad to see you came!” I smiled at his implied joke.

His wife gave me a disgusted look and whined, “He came already? They just got here!” She tried to look hurtful, and then she laughed as they turned away.

The hostess gave me another look. Verbal attacks against another guest were grounds for dismissal. I smiled and shook my head. If all went well, vindication was on its way, and it was going to be sweet.

–

I suppose I could blame my buddy Mark. He was the one that got me into the mess, even if he wasn't responsible for it at all.

Mark is one of those guys that everybody loves, and people always do him favors. He called me one day with an offer and a gift that I couldn't refuse.

He had two passes to get into the taping of one of those reality shows on the famous porn channel. The premise of the show is that some famous female porn stars pick guys from an audience. The chosen guys then have to try to seduce the porn stars and they get scored on their success by a couple of celebrity judges. The winner gets a nice cash prize, and bragging rights for scoring with a porn star.

Mark owed me a favor, so he offered me the second pass. Neither of us really had a chance of being chosen, so he was looking forward to meeting the women, and then watching them play while he got drunk on free drinks. Minus the excessive alcohol, I liked the plan.

My estimation of our luck was confirmed when we got there. I was too average to stand out, so there was no chance of getting picked. Sure, I'm taller than average, but I wasn't the tallest guy there by a long shot. I keep in shape, but I wasn't the fittest guy there either. My wife thinks I'm good looking, but I wasn't the best looking guy there, not at all.

I don't know how it happened. One minute I was recording my 'dating' interview, saying that I was only there to be Mark's driver and to enjoy the show, and the next minute I was on stage in front of the hottest woman I have ever met.

She introduced herself as Gwenmore Cummings. She looked to be in her thirties, but there was depth around her eyes that made me think she was in her forties. She wasn't the oldest star there, but she wasn't the youngest either. She wasn't the tallest, or the thinnest, or the bustiest, or even the prettiest woman there. There was nothing at all average about her, though. She was heart-breakingly gorgeous.

I had never heard of her before, and I admitted that to her. She asked if maybe I recognized her face. I promised her that she was the prettiest woman I had ever seen, and that there was no way I would have forgotten if I had seen her before.

It wasn't a line, but she fell for it, hook, line and sinker. She asked for a kiss. She asked me to touch her. She asked me to join her in another room with a bed and two cameras. I mostly ignored the cameras, and I was in heaven.

–

The episode just happened to air on the night of one of our monthly swing parties. Mark put it up on the big screen, and we all cheered as we watched a pretty young star give him a hand-job, and then decide she wasn't going to pick him. I don't think he cared.

A couple of story-lines later, they moved on to Gwen picking me. I already knew I hadn't won, but I couldn't wait to see how they portrayed the encounter.

Things looked bad right from the start. They edited things all out of order, and they made it look like Gwen picked me as a last resort. They spliced conversations to make her sound disappointed. They made the story end quickly, and it looked like I barely lasted five seconds inside of her before I pulled out and came on her stomach. It was horrible.

Our entire group of friends were shocked. I tried to tell them what really happened, but they weren't ready to listen at all. Somebody whispered the words 'Speedy Gonzalez', and the laughter never ended.

–

The doorbell rang, and everyone turned to look. We all knew that the house rule was to knock and let yourself in. I smiled, because I knew that my guest had arrived.

I could hear the jaws hit the floor behind me when I opened the door to see a smiling and energized Gwen. She bounced into the house, gave my wife a huge hug, and then kissed me until my ears were steaming. She didn't let go as she turned and asked Mark for a favor.

She implied that she had needed to pull some strings to get the unedited footage. Mark put the disc in the player and the raw video started to play. All of our friends were quick to gather around to watch the extended version of my humiliation.

Gwen leaned over and whispered a question to my wife, who answered with a nod. With that, Gwen took my hand and pulled me away to a bedroom. We both knew that she was looking forward to re-enacting what was coming up on the screen. I had been looking forward to staying to collect my vindication first-hand, but not so much that I would miss a second encounter of a lifetime.