She had been waiting for me by the park entrance at 7:30, like every morning, with clockwork precision. Her long blonde locks were embellished with thousands of fresh snowflakes, sparkling like diamonds and glitter in the faint lemon-cream morning light. Wearing her cute polar bear earmuffs and white puffer jacket she was almost at one with the snow covered scenery. When she saw me rushing towards her around the corner, she rubbed her fur-mittened hands together and breathed a warm breath onto them to emphasise her scornful tone.
“You were taking your time. I’m frozen solid.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, my own cracked, frozen lips refusing to move and form any further words. She rubbed her Rudolph nose, and I noticed her flushed, rosy cheeks on her soft, milky skin. She was breathtakingly beautiful; my ultimate girl crush.
Also my best friend and very straight.
Not that I knew any of those labels back then. We were barely seventeen. The infinite number of different sexual orientations we have today did not exist back then. If I had been asked to talk about her in full honesty, I would have said things like, how I just envied her, looked up to her, wanted to be her or at least be close to her. I had no idea I was into girls. I didn’t even know I was into boys. I didn’t know much about sex at all or about anything really, while thinking I owned the world and was as wise as a two-hundred-year-old owl - in other words: a typical teenager.
Delilah. I was in love even with her name, her voice, the way she looked at me. And I knew or understood none of that.
“Are you feeling better?” she asked with gut-wrenching concern in her small voice as we started walking side by side with heavy steps in the few inches of fresh snow. It was only twelve hours ago, that I was weeping on her shoulders, because the guy I thought I was dating was not returning my calls or replying to my messages.
I didn’t want to go over the same stupid monologue; I had told her the previous night, about how I didn’t really care about him (I did), but how it was just pissing me off not knowing why he had cut me off. So, I just shrugged my shoulder. “I’ll get over it.”
She pulled on the straps of her rucksack absent-mindedly and stared ahead into the heavy snowfall. “I told Max, I hope you don’t mind... He thinks he ghosted you because you didn’t sleep with him.”
What? I had literally thought of every scenario possible, from me having said something stupid or done something stupid, to the unlikely scenario of him being in hospital or even dead. The only thing I have not considered was that it was rather something I did not do. I stopped in my tracks and stared at Lilah. “Surely, he understood that I was just not ready. We only had about five dates. And I’m too young.” Or more like just weighed down by stupid rules, stupid upbringing, expectations and standards.
She laughed at me, right into my face. In that moment, I hated her a little, how her ice cube eyes danced vividly at my expense. “Cass, he is two years older than us. You are very naïve to think nineteen-year-old lads wait for anything. They just move on and find someone more ‘willing’.”
I was floored, to put it mildly. My mind was drenched with a cold shower and rolling in ten inches of freezing snow. “But we did everything short of..., erm..., him sticking it in. I jerked him off. He came.” Ok, in hindsight he did much more to me than I did to him, but I was getting there, I was learning, I was ‘willing’. Just not yet. And I was preparing an awesome Christmas surprise for him...
“That’s not quite ‘everything short of’ she said with a knowing grimace, being aware of things that I obviously wasn’t.” Yup, in a picture dictionary, if you had looked up ‘naïve’, you would have found my stupid, dumbstruck face – with innocent fawn eyes and roughed-up, rebel-wannabe jet black hair.
But then again, all this information, or more like assumption, was coming from Max. And Max was far from a reliable source. He was a different kind of animal altogether; the ultimate bad boy, one Lilah had to hide from her parents. With a millionaire dad who owned at least half of the restaurants and bars in a hundred miles radius - that everyone suspected were only for laundering money - Max was really into fast cars and drugs. And girls.
None of that seemed to bother Delilah, or me, or any of his numerous groupies, because he had the face and body of a sex god. He was also an underwear model. And while he had the tendency to talk absolute bollox, this one I believed, because I’ve seen the photos in the magazines and catalogues. Like everyone else in our small town.
“Max is picking me up after school. I can tell Rick to tag along. You like him, don’t you? We can do something fun to cheer you up.” Fun? What kind of fun?
Rick was Max’s sidekick, like his arrogant little younger brother. Less mafioso, more in-your-face, annoying cunt. He had facial features that you wanted to rearrange with a well-aimed punch, but somehow snog his lips off at the same time.
“’Like’ is probably a bit of a stretch, ‘tolerate’ maybe. But yeah, I guess, I have nothing better to do.”
***
I’d only been waiting for a few minutes when Max’s sport modified Sub Impreza pulled up to the school gates - tire smoke, thumping bass and all. It was like a ridiculously clichéd teenage movie. All eyes were on me as I got into the car. I’d lie if I said I didn’t enjoy the attention. Both from the jealous bitches at the school gates and of those two in the car.
“Hi Cass,” they both greeted me as I plopped my ass on the cream leather back seats.
“Where’s Lilah?” Max inquired.
“Oh, it’s just little old me today.” I narrowed my eyes at them. “You think the two of you can entertain me today? Apparently, I need cheering up,” I giggled, toying with my new barbell tongue piercing, that hasn’t quite healed yet. It would have been a Christmas surprise for the prick who was now not returning my calls. I wanted to repay the favour for that last time, when he stuck his own stainless steel stud right into my clit, making me cum from oral the first time in my life, setting my standards pretty damn high. Well, I was sure, I’ll find a new use for it. I looked at those two bad boys with a whole new set of eyes and baffling, unfamiliar hunger in the pit of my stomach.
They shared a look that made me not want to come clean and leave my best friend behind. But nahh, I couldn’t do that to her. “She was held back over some after-school project. She will be five minutes.” It was about ten, that seemed maybe two. They wanted all the information about my new toy; where and when I had it done, how long it will take to heal and how much it hurt.
“More than you can fucking imagine.”
“Would you do it again?”
“Hell, yes.”
“Are you getting another one?”
“You bet.”
“Where?”
“I haven’t quite decided yet.” Yes, of course I have. Yes, there.
Luckily Lilah arrived, because... Well, the way they were feasting their eyes on me was making me a bit uncomfortable. And very wet. Me and my stupid resolution to not have sex till I was eighteen. What was I thinking? I was a right silly monkey. For context: I can't stand monkeys.
We cruised to the next town, twenty miles East, where the boys were less notorious and banned from less establishments.
“You got winter tires on, I hope,” I voiced my concern, when we skidded and slid a few times on the ungritted streets, failing to stop at a few lights.
“Of course,” Max grinned at me from the rear-view mirror. “Even got chains in the boot.” He didn’t sound too convincing, to be honest. I really hoped, even if he was stupid and irresponsible, at least his parents weren’t. Do twenty-year-olds take advice from their peeps, though? I highly doubted it.
“Chains?” Lilah questioned, giggling.
“Snow chains, babe,” Max shot her a funny look, recklessly turning around, looking at her on the back seat.
Max bought us all some cheap fast food that we ate in the car park with doors open, music blaring from the sub in the boot, drawing some attention. Then we were on the road again.
“Where are we going?” I asked, noticing the alarmingly disappearing infrastructure. Lilah patted my thigh with her cute little palm. She seemed to know the answer, and that made me relax a bit. I did not trust those two idiots one bit.
We were taken to an abandoned farmhouse that apparently belonged to Rick’s grandparents, who passed away nearly a decade ago, so technically it was partially his and they haven't quite decided what to do with it yet. Everything they said in general, I took with a pinch of salt and three shot of tequila. Or in this case with half a bottle of vodka, that I was sharing with Lilah. The boys were drinking something from a much smaller flask - to my relief.
We talked about the school project boring the boys to death, so they went on to suggest a crooked version of the truth or dare game. I don’t remember the rules, or how were we losing so much of our clothing so fast. All I remember is, that soon enough we were making naked snow angels - tits down, obviously - in the pitch dark night, illuminated only by the car’s blue halogen parking lights. And how fascinated the boys were with our very hard nipples that you could cut glass with. They wanted to touch them, play with them and put their lips around them, and of course we’d let them, because it was damn cold and their hands and lips were nice and warm.
There was also some naked running around the abandoned buildings, wearing nothing but dark clouds covering the moonlight. But that memory is a bit foggy or more like snow-stormy. I only recall Lilah’s fixation on some huge icicles hanging from the low roof of some outbuilding.
She thought it was a good idea to bring some into the car and show off her oral talent on the dripping, thick chunks of ice. I tried to warn her how fucking unhygienic that was, but she had thrown a snowball right into my face. “Eat some snow, Cass,” she giggled. Fucking nuts, she was.
The two pigs locked us out of the car and were having a five-minute fun at our expense, while we were hopping around banging on all the doors and trying to get in through the boot. “Why should we?” the wonky backwards letters spelled out on the steamed up side window. Eventually, Lilah’s trick with the icicles opened the doors to our shivering bodies.
I can’t remember whether the boys were naked before that or lost the last bits of their clothing just then, but - up to this day - I still do get flashbacks, how fucking hard they both were and how they were rubbing themselves so blatantly. Like a cheap, but very hot, undirected porn shot. We must have been pretty drunk to lose all our inhibitions and enjoy that show.
“Eye for an eye, you fucking teasing slut,” Max growled into Lilah’s ear, loud enough for all of us to hear and for me to cream the fancy leather seat. He instructed Rick to get a few more icicles. Lilah and me, we both knew where those were going to go and looked at each other - she was on the front seat now, me on the back. “Fuck!”
“I know a much better use for them,” the main villain rasped, then laughed at our discomfort.
“Oh, we don’t want all that melting mess in your precious car,” Lilah tried her weak argument, to try to get us out of the fate of having them stuff our pussies with rods of ice. Max has thrown his door open and walked to the boot with his hard cock bouncing with every determined step. “Lucky for us, we had boxing practice earlier,” he grinned, returning with a tall pile of towels. They smelled like sweat, musk, and sweet fucking testosterone.
I shared a look with Delilah ‘Are we still doing this?’ If I thought that her cheeks looked cute in the morning with the frost kissed redness, now there was absolute hellfire burning on those creamy cheeks. The scorching lava flow between my legs also seemed - for lack of a better word - very agreeable.
I don’t know whether it was the fact that Rick left his door wide open or some sort of fear or wild anticipation was creeping up on me, but I was shivering like a naked newborn bunny on snow. All the while, inside, I was burning up.
That raw dichotomy only intensified when Rick returned with a whole arsenal of ice weapons - from the skinny, pinkie-finger sized to the one that was like two finger thickness - their fingers, not my little girlie fingers.
“This one is for the little virgin one,” he joked, holding up the tiny one.
“Fucking dickhead,” I laughed, contemplating putting my foot into his mouth as he bent down to get into the car. He handed a handful over to the front seat to his best mate, then rolled up a towel for my neck and asked me if I was comfortable.
“Like a queen on spa day,” I beamed. Then, with a bit of anxiety, I added, “Remind me again, why are we doing this? It’s going to freeze our insides. Who wants that?”
“Me,” Max declared enthusiastically from the front seat. “And me,” Lilah chimed in, soldiering on with her winter toys.
“The drunk bitch on the front seat doesn’t have a say,” I growled, slapping my palm repetitively on the back of her seat, making her giggle like a possessed children’s toy.
“I promise, it will be fine,” she shouted as if she was going down a cave with famous last words. Then her syllables transmuted into loud moans and grunts. Oh, I so wanted to look, but Max’s shit-eating grin was reassuring enough to figure it wasn’t their first time enjoying this peculiar winter sport.
Rick circled my nipples first with the tip of the small icicle. It felt scratchy and smooth at the same time and, well, freezing cold. My buttons reacted by shrinking into tight balls like frightened little hedgehogs, minus the spines. I have really small, almost inverted nipples, so when he tried to pinch the mini, shrunken versions, he couldn’t. He had to pinch a small part of my areolas too, making me cry out. It wasn’t an unwelcome sensation, though. Quite the opposite. The more he did it, the more I felt like the Cookie Monster getting crumbs only. I wanted a whole cookie. And the jar.
“It’s going to melt, before...” I grumbled, sparking off a low grunting laugh within him.
“We have other ones,” he replied, thrilling something inside me. Obviously, he didn’t strictly mean 'icicles'. “but as you wish...” He lined up the small, dripping remnant between my burning pussy lips.
I felt the long shape of it, the cold, melting droplets running down between my bum cheeks and the freezing numbness spreading on my bits. It was a very strange sensation. He kept it there till it melted completely. Then replaced it with his fingers.
“Do you feel this?” he asked.
“Hm, no, not really. I mean, I do, but it’s weird, everything feels hard..."
His answer was a low moan and opening his car door to get another, slightly bigger icicle from the ground where he left them.
“Mmm, this is going inside you now,” he threatened, opening up my wetness with his fingers. Let’s just say, my kitty didn’t act or felt like a virgin one and I was riding his thick fingers with anticipation for something bigger and colder.
“If you take all of it, I will tongue your clit and make you cum.” That sounded as good of an incentive as any. Or, just maybe the best.
I felt a prodding, stretching sensation at my entrance but not much afterwards, to be honest, again just the cold droplets running down my butt.
“Mmmm, good girl,” he growled, sliding his body upwards on top of mine till his warm mouth was on my lips. He nibbled on my lips then whispered, “You took that well. Let me give you something warmer now.” Then just to clarify to the dumb virgin one, he added, “Let me fuck you. It will feel great, I promise.”
Hm, no. Not even with his thumb inside me – yes I felt that – and the rest of his digits rubbing my clit. I was cursing under all those maddening sensations, but...
“No, please, don’t. It’s just... This is not how I want to lose it.” Was I expecting rose petals on Egyptian cotton and a crown on his head? Probably. Fucking Disney!
“Ok, princess,” (he likely wasn’t calling me that but it fits the theme, hah) he breathed into my mouth. He tasted so nice, like his trademark spearmint chewing gum.
“Besides, a promise is a promise, isn’t it?” I reminded him of my prize with a smirk.
His cute head with his spiked up hair disappeared again between my legs with a long sigh that sounded suspiciously like ‘fucking virgin bitch’. My body trembling with a restrained laughter, I pushed his head down for good measure.
He replied something like he was gonna shove the biggest icicle into my virgin snatch or something like that. I didn’t care or heard. I was much more interested in the way the tip of his tongue tickled me under the hood.
“Fuck, yeah,” I cursed, reaching up and scrunching up the stinky towel under my head.
He was fingering me slowly, turning his digits around as if he was trying to retrieve his lost car keys from inside me.
“What the f...fuck you doin'?” I moaned, regretting instantly because if he had replied that would have meant his tongue leaving my folds. “Actually, no, don’t answer that,” I rumbled.
He “mmm-ed” into me then introduced a third finger, while gently licking and sucking my clit till I came on his rough fingers. It’s hard to say whether the sounds coming from the front seat hindered or helped my rather quick climax.
He slid back up to say hello to me again, his face smelling of my hot sex, his hard, wet cock resting between us on my thigh as he kept on pestering me.
“You know...,” he explained, “anatomically speaking, I don’t think you are a virgin anymore, so it really isn't such a big deal as you make it out to be. Oh, that was the funny thing he was doing inside... Also, that sentence was such a turn off, so the answer was still a big fat no.
“You’re giving me blue balls."
Is that really a thing?
“Oh, we can’t have that," I purred, grabbing hold of his very hard but average (at least compared to all the other ones I've seen before) cock. I fisted it slowly, using my thigh as a prop too while telling him how big and hard he was and how I was looking forward to having him inside me one day. It was only a few minutes before I felt his hot wetness spreading on my naked thigh.
Ok, it wasn’t too bad, I thought. I was really grateful that he wasn't too pushy. Maybe, he was a great guy after all. Maybe it wouldn't have been so horrible if he was my first.
The other two on the front seat were not finished yet, and we waited considerately in relative silence. Rick was grilling me about what exactly have I done with the prick, whose name was Seth, by the way. Well suited for a dark-souled, goth kind of freak, I was drawn to those days. But he was the last person I wanted to talk about. At that point, I started to realise that it was just probably unfulfilled lust that still kept me hooked on him and not love as my naive, silly mind had thought.
When Lilah’s naked, heaving form emerged on the front seat, her milky body was flushed from head to toe. Her hair was damp and dishevelled, eyes wide and wild. She looked like she was attacked by a pack of hungry wolves and somehow survived to tell the tale. Just.
“Do you guys have any drinks left?” she breathed heavily. The boys conjured up the remainder of the fast food drinks in scrunched-up paper cups. Disgusting, I thought: melted ice with their spit in it. Did it matter? With Rick’s spunk all over me, spearmint in my mouth, and no vodka left. No, not really.
***
We dropped Lilah off first because she lived on the East side of town while we all lived on the other side. But after that, instead of turning a right corner towards my street Max was driving straight on, following the main road.
“Where are you going? You missed my street. Max!”
He pretended not to hear me. I was freaking out a bit.
“We are not finished with you,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me in the mirror. Rick looked at him grinning like a dog spotting his favourite toy being pulled from a drawer. By then, I was freaking out a lot.
“W...what do you mean?” I mumbled, that weird shivering-on-the-surface, combusting inside feeling taking hold of my body again.
“Do you regret not fucking that loser guy?” Ricky asked, as if we were just having the most casual conversation. He was looking straight ahead, as if I was not even there, and it was just a passing thought in his head. I think it even surprised him, when I answered.
“Maybe a little, yeah. Why?” My voice was so small, drowning in dark suspicious waves.
“Because, that’s a burden that really shouldn’t hold you back, babe,” Max replied in the same manner, having a lighthearted chat with the air in front of him. “So, we’re gonna strip those shackles off you.” I cannot describe the way he looked at me or the things it did to me.
“Consider it an early Christmas pressie,” Rick chuckled, with the other one joining in soon enough.
Yes, I have thought about jumping out of the car. I even put my hand on the handle at a red light. But I just couldn’t.
I was trying to comprehend all of that. Did they mean what I thought they meant? My stomach was one huge, heavy cramp, a bit like before you throw up, my teeth rattling in my clenched jaw.
Eight million things were swirling in my feverish mind, but the loudest one was screaming at me: Rick's just fingered me to oblivion. It really wouldn’t be that big of a deal, surely. I still want him. Fuck, I want them both.
If I had wanted to lose my virginity, which maybe, unbeknownst to me, I did, this would have been as good of a time as ever. But Max?? Lilah would have scratched my eyeballs out.
“Yeah, not today, boys.” My voice was supposed to be strong and determined, but failed me miserably.
“Oh yes, today, babes,” Max tormented with heavy intonation, his dark eyes reflecting back from the mirror, burning through me like a laser through a ripe peach.
“No, not with you Max, no offence!" (In fact, I’d much prefer you to be honest and fuck yes, if it wasn’t for... ) "But Lilah would murder me!”
“That’s cool, babe. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. But, I don’t think Delilah would mind, though. You do know we are not exclusive, right?”
No, I didn’t. Does she? This is going to be an interesting conversation, no doubt. “Yes, but I’m her best friend.”
“Sure, sure. Whatever.” By this time, we were parked somewhere on the edge of town surrounded by some woods on a dirt road that his fancy car shouldn’t have been on. I really hoped he was serious about those snow chains.
My head was in a right spin. Why am I not stopping this madness? Why am I not just getting out and run away or try my magic ‘no!’ again? Is this how I really want to lose it? Is it?
They reclined the front seats, the lowest they went and pulled me onto Ricky’s lap. Four hands undressed me in about five seconds, leaving my bra on and just pulling the cups down. I was their plaything, their silent, very willing doll.
It was too easy, far too easy. I didn’t have to do anything. My only role was not stopping them and I excelled at it. I didn’t, I couldn’t stop them. It just felt fucking right - for lack of a better word.
I didn’t even stop Max from playing with my nipples as Rick knelt between my legs and stuck his tongue between my folds again.
“She is still soaked from earlier,” he commented with thick, spearmint breath. It wasn’t from earlier, but I wasn’t in the position to correct him.
“You are a little insatiable bad girl, aren’t you, Cassie?” Max teased, pulling and pinching my nipples roughly in a way that made me regret not letting him do it earlier when we were playing in the snow.
Fuck, fucking Delilah. In that moment, I wanted her to not exist. I wanted to have no conscious, no thoughts, no mind. I wanted to let go, I wanted to give green light to both of them and let them do anything they wanted to me, anything they craved, because it felt so right, so hot, so fucking incredible.
The monkeys who think we are meant to be monogamous, obviously have never tried this!
There are no words to describe just how much my body was burning with need. I was already feeling like a slut, while technically was still a virgin. That made me giggle inside.
“Not for long,” one of them commented. What? Did I really say that out loud?
Rick pulled a condom from the pocket of his discarded jeans and ripped the foil between his teeth. I watched as he rolled it on and I still failed to stop him. I was in seventh heaven, on cloud nine. I wasn’t scared. I welcomed that cookie jar that I should have had my share of ages ago.
Rick was slow and gentle, and I just felt amazingly full. And all those things didn’t matter because Max was pinning me down by my arm while whispering all sorts into my ears, calling me all the names from a 'silly girl' to a 'filthy slut' and everything in between. He was pinching my nipples, my clit, rubbing it, holding me, stretching me open for Ricky’s thick cock. When he pressed his thumb into my clit and just held it there and told me to cum, I did. Again and again. Like the good girl I was becoming.
Rick came at the same time, watching my face as if he saw me for the very first time and wanted to remember every single detail.
Then they swapped places.
And my heart stopped beating.
“No, Max, please,” I begged.
The black snow clouds gathering in his eyes terrified me. I was sure he will not listen. He looked at me like an angry beast who was shackled to the wall with heavy iron chains and now was about to rip them out. I heard the unspoken curses blistering on his lips, the saw the inferno in his eyes. I really didn’t think he will stop.
“Please Max, I can’t do this to Lilah,” I pleaded again. I nearly blurted out just how much I wanted him despite of all that. But that would have been starter fluid to the fire. We wouldn’t have been able to avoid an avalanche.
“I’m still going to taste you,” he winced, a flashover threat in his dark eyes.
It seemed like a fucking great compromise, even though it was still so very very wrong. Now it was Rick pinching my nipples, rubbing my clit as Max's tongue lapped up all the sweet reminder how my pussy disagreed with my mouth. Up to this day I always get shocked what it does to me when I don't get what I want.
When I came again, I cursed the stars off the night sky, my screams were shattering the glass panoramic roof.
When Max came onto my stomach, his beastly eyes burned into my deviant soul for ever.
***
Apart from the thumping bass, it was very quiet in the car when they dropped me off. Max looked at me again with those eyes before I got out. I regretted nothing and everything.
I ended up confessing almost everything to Delilah - apart from the very last scene and greatly over-emphasizing the fact that Max did not put his cock inside me. Luckily, she didn’t want to hear many details, but she also didn’t want to talk to me for about two weeks. Eventually, she came around, boxed her sharp fist into my biceps and said, “Boys are dickheads, but I don’t want to hold grudges.”
“Total fucking dickheads.”
***
Max texted me a few more times, asking me if I’d changed my mind. I brushed him off every time. In fact, I have not seen him ever after that night. I fooled around with Rick a bit after that, but after the summer I went to uni that was three hours away, spending very little time back home.
As far as I know, Lilah, who stayed in the area, hung out with Max for another year or so till it fizzled out.
***
A few years later, when I was home for the summer, Max found me on social media. Even though he was apparently engaged, it was clear that he still wanted to tie up our unfinished business. And I probably would have, but I was dating someone, who I considered the love of my life until much later. He was the first one I wanted to marry and have children with. I nearly did. But we were - apparently - still too young. I moved thousands of miles away after that.
***
I ran into Delilah some twenty years later at a wedding. She was married to her second husband with three kids, just like me. When there was no one around, she elbowed me in her usual little aggressive way and whispered to me, “We had a fucked up start, didn’t we?" It was just seconds before her husband joined us and she introduced me to him as an old school friend.
What she didn't find out was that while she settled into seemingly boring small town bliss, I was on the swinging scene with my second husband, fucking my way through a big chunk of England’s population. - A well-placed shrug of my shoulder here. -
Maybe, if I hadn't lost my virginity that way, I wouldn't be the insatiable slut I am today.
Santa, I’m on the naughty list again this year, but I have to admit, I regret very, very little.
