Mike checked his email. He ignored the dementia warning, the nail fungus fix, the insurance promotions, the free covid-19 tests, the tinnitus cure, and the weight loss aids. He decided against the tickets to Carnival in Rio.

He promptly answered the message from the widow in Asia who wanted to give him half of $25,000,000, so long as he used the rest of it for charity work. He also answered the solicitation for people with no experience at all to send emails for $500 a day. He made a note on his calendar to pick up his delayed package from National Express and to take out of his Money App account the $950 that he had been paid. He ordered all three credit cards.

He soon got to his favorites. "I want YOU! YOU! YOU! All night long!!! I can see you TONIGHT. I am so horny and wet thinking about YOU. And I’m all FREE!!!" He thought, Well, she certainly seems like a friendly sort. He glanced at her blurry picture and moved on.

He looked through the messages that promised a wide variety of earthly pleasures. The attached videos were enough to give him an erection. As he started to breathe heavily, his eyes settled on "East European girls are looking for LOVE!"

The young woman in the picture was named Alyssa. She was pretty, blond, and completely dressed. She was a classics major in her second year at university. Her top showed a bit of décolletage, but not a lot. And Alyssa was smiling.

There she is, Mike thought. Alyssa got a reply.

Hmph, the readers must be saying to themselves, Mike was just looking at his spam folder— and a bunch of scams. Well, yes and no.

It has to do with Mike’s religion. You see, Mike was an Orthodox Saccularian. Saccularius billed himself as the Roman god of mail, still active after all these centuries, and when the internet arrived he took over as the god of email, too. He is the one who wants you to get fabulously rich, instantly quick; to grow your penis by at least nine inches and to find oodles of romance with plane loads of busty women. For most people, it is indeed all fake.

Except for Mike. Mike gets this stuff, too, but for real. This is how it happened: one day he got an email from Ashley, whose schedule was open that lucky day and wanted to give him the best blowjob he ever had. She also sent ten nude selfies and a video. Mike wanted Ashley, bad.

"Oh, god," he said out loud, "if only Ashley was real. If only she was right here."

And that moment the Roman god Saccularius materialized out of thin air. "My good man!" He said with a flourish of his hand, "What is your pleasure?"

Saccularius was dressed in garish colors, mostly reds and yellows. He himself was light purple.

"What? Who are you?" Mike said.

"I am Saccularius! I am the ancient Roman god of mail. I have a sideline where I do computer tech support; I am, after all, a certified Megasoft technician. But today email is my main game."

Mike pleaded. "Ashley. Ashley is my pleasure. Can you make her appear? For real, I mean."

Saccularius looked pensive. "My good man, that is a substantial question. I am a Roman god, a member of Zeus’s inner circle, and for over twenty centuries I have seen few new congregants. A lot of the scratchings on the walls of Pompeii were under my control but it has been pretty thin ever since. It has been two millennia since someone has called out for me." He hung his head. "It’s sad, especially for a close friend of Zeus."

"What about Ashley?"

"My good man, that is where you come in. You have called out to me. If you agree to be my first worshipper in two thousand years, I will make all these emails real, just for you."

"So if I get a message offering me ten million dollars, I can have it."

"That’s right."

"Where does the ten million come from?"

"Who cares? You don’t have to pay it."

"Well, I’m pleased to meet you, my bounteous and munificent god Saccularius." Mike extended his hand.

"Great!" Saccularius ignored the hand. "Wait till I tell Zeus about this! Ashley, my girl, c’mon in."

Ashley walked out of the wall. She was the Ashley of the email pictures. Naked and beautiful, busty and curvy, she walked to Mike and gave him a wet, open-mouthed kiss.

"I’m a believer," said Mike, as she stroked his crotch, "Hail, Saccularius!"

"My work here is done," Saccularius said. Then, with a flourish of his hand, he dissolved into nothingness.

Ashley had Mike’s cock out and was on her knees. "Nice one," she said.

"Oh, wait! I can do better." Mike turned back to his email and found the message that promised to reveal a South American orangutan ritual that would instantly add five inches to the length of his penis.

Mike did the odd dance required by the orangutan video. Ashley started to giggle. Mike became irritated. But then — Bingo! He was five inches longer.

"Even nicer," said Ashley, unfazed by the instant transformation. Ashley’s mouth spent a half hour on his cock and her fingertips played with balls. She made him cum.

"Well, I’ve done what I promised," she said, "Farewell." And she walked back through the wall.

"Ashley, wait!" Mike said, but it was too late. He was talking to a blank wall. As Ashley vanished, his penis returned to normal.

But that was the start of it all. The next day Mike took delivery of the toaster oven, the all-terrain vehicle, and the coffee maker. He opened a separate bank account for the $12,500,000 paid by the widow of an African prince, paid the taxes, filled out the paperwork for transactions larger than $10,000, took his one-third cut, and paid the rest to a local homeless shelter.

But the nicest part of every day involved the women. Jill was as horny as can be, with her legs spread as she begged for satisfaction. Samantha wanted Mike, and only Mike, and wanted him twenty-four hours a day. Bridget was hot, sweaty, and yearning for a long night with him. All three were only 2.8 miles away. That day, Mike gave Jill her satisfaction, gave Samantha everything she wanted, and spent the night feeling Bridget’s heat and tasting her sweat.

And all the messages, whether from women or package delivery services, came from trusted senders. If you only knew, thought Mike.

Then there was Alyssa, who replied to his email the next day. She just knocked on his front door. In the doorway stood the girl of his dreams. She was pretty, with shoulder-length blond hair. Her figure was reasonable, given the circumstances; that is an odd thing to say, but Mike had thought that all email women had ginormous boobs on bodies that just wouldn’t quit.

Mike and Alyssa started to talk. They talked for hours, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. Mike talked about his life, and Alyssa talked about hers.

Mike complimented her on her command of English. "I’m a character from an email, silly," she replied.

Eventually they touched hands, and that started the ball rolling. He touched her neck and cheek, and whispered in her ear how he had been waiting for a girl like her to come along.

Seeking to impress, Mike began talking about his ATV and his soft life collecting millions of dollars. The story seemed to puzzle Alyssa.

"But where does it all come from?" she asked. Mike did his best to explain about the emails. To Alyssa, none of this was adding up. Finally he had to come out and say it.

“I’m an Orthodox Saccularian."

"A what?" She  asked. The question took Mike farther down the rabbit hole. He had to explain who Saccularius was and how Orthodox Saccularians did not much care where all this stuff came from.

For Alyssa, that tore it.

"Mike, do you know what saccularius means in Latin?"

"No. What?"

"Saccularius means thief. You’re doing business with a thief."

Mike stared off into space for a good long while.

"Oh," he finally said.

After a while, he tried to pick up where he left off. He took Alyssa by the waist and leaned in for a kiss.

"What?" She backed away. "Nothing until you give up all this stuff."

Mike was not having it.

"My good woman, might I remind you that you are part of ‘this stuff’? If I lose the ATV, we lose each other. You disappear."

Now it was her turn. "Oh," she said. "Well, maybe we can find some other Roman god to help out. The Romans had a god of honesty, the goddess Fides. Maybe she can help."

"If switching my allegiance from Saccularius to Fides will keep us together…"

"And it will," Alyssa said brightly.

"Then it’s worth a try," Mike declared. "As of this moment, I am no longer an Orthodox Saccularian! From now on, I am a Liberal Reformed Saccularian."

Alyssa crossed her arms. "Uh, you’re not there yet, friend."

"So I’ve got to do the whole thing, huh?" Mike said reluctantly. Alyssa nodded her head yes. "Okay, I am now an Orthodox Fidesian."

"A what?" thundered a voice from out of the air. Saccularius appeared, and he was one angry god. "You ingrate. I gave you strength. I gave you power. And now you’re going to follow a girl? My good man, there will be consequences."

"I will pay them. Alyssa is my woman."

"And Mike is my man."

"Then I curse both of you," Saccularius proclaimed. "From now until the end of time, Alyssa will be 2.8 miles from you.  Never farther, but never closer."

Mike looked over at Alyssa, but she was gone, 2.8 miles from him, somewhere.

Mike did not know what to do. He drove to nearby towns and parks between two and four miles away. No luck. He tried using the ATV when the 2.8-mile mark took him to an off-road point. Again, no luck. Her location would move by 2.8 miles. He sent email, and she would reply, but always from 2.8 miles away.

After several messages back and forth, she finally wrote, "When I walked through your door, I thought that I was somewhere in the United States. What are you doing in Brazil?"

Brazil? He thought. His email service operated from Silicon Valley. His address would not suggest "Brazil" to anyone. Then he opened the computer settings, and there it was: his virtual private network, which he had bought five years earlier and forgotten about completely.

And, yes, the VPN was set to show his location as Brazil. After five years he had no idea why, but there it was.

So I can move the address to places where I am not but where other people will think I am. Mike thought.

He tried to adjust the VPN so that anyone tracking him would think he was 2.8 miles from his true location. He emailed Alyssa, "Try that."

"Not close enough." She wrote back, "I walked into somebody else’s living room."

He made another adjustment. "Try that."

"I think I’m back in Europe."

A third adjustment. "Okay. Now try that." This time, it worked. Alyssa, smiling, walked through the door. The two held each other close. One thing quickly led to another, and soon the pair were next to each other in bed. They kissed as she stroked him, and they kissed again as they changed places and he stroked her.

He was about to enter her when a bright light flashed. Saccularius materialized. "There you are, Alyssa," he said. "I had to walk through somebody’s living room to find you, but I did."

Alyssa covered herself. Mike stood on the bed and yelled, "You penny ante crook! Leave us alone."

"Go back to the 2.8 miles."

"Never!" 

In the midst of this commotion, there was a great boom and a cloud of smoke. "Who disturbs my orgy? And screws up my email?"

A bearded, muscular man, dressed in a white toga, emerged from the cloud. Jill, Samantha, and Bridget stood with him.  The man had heard the arguing. And there was no mistaking who it was.

"Zeus! Uh, how’s it going, ol’ pal?" Saccularius said.

"Who are you?" Zeus asked.

"Zeus, it’s me, Saccularius. I got you the ivory throne."

"Is that the free throne where I had to pay five hundred gold pieces in service fees, delivery fees, and tariffs?"

"Uh, yeah."

"And that never arrived?"

"Look, my good man, I tried."

"Not hard enough, stranger. Saccularius, or whoever you are, I hereby banish you.  You will search for the ivory throne forever."

"Aaagh! There is no such thing! It doesn’t exist! And you just made me say something truthful. Double aaagh!"

"Not my problem, doofus," Zeus said. "Better get started." And with that, Saccularius vanished, frowning.

"My work here is done. Back to my orgy!" Zeus proclaimed. He turned to Jill, Samantha, and Bridget, and the four left together.

"Truthful stuff is my department," said a calm voice. It was the goddess Fides, in long red hair and surrounded in light. Mike did not know there was such a thing as a form-fitting toga, but she was wearing one.

"Okay," said Fides, "let’s take care of the so-called winnings first. They’ve all got to go."

"Everything?" Asked Mike.

"Everything," Fides replied calmly.

"Okay, but the homeless shelter keeps their part of the twelve-and-a-half million." Alyssa took his arm and smiled.

"It’s a deal," Fides said, "but your cut disappears from your bank account.  For that matter, your bank account disappears, too."

Mike sighed. He listened as his things vanished.

Pop.

There went the toaster oven.

Pop.

The ATV.

Pop.

The coffee maker.

Kaboom.

That was the bank account.

Pop pop pop.

The credit cards.

Pop pop fizzle.

Everything else he had supposedly won.

"Now I have nothing," Mike said quietly to no one.

"Oh, I don’t know about that," Fides said, smiling, "I haven’t touched any of the women."

Excited, Mike looked around. Alyssa was still there, and with a friendly look in her eyes. Mike put his arm around her waist, and this time they kissed.

"And I’m alive, too," said Fides, "don’t forget about that. Two thousand years, and still in pretty nice shape." Fides dropped her toga. "And I’m being honest when I say that two thousand years without a man is too long. Anyway, how often do I get to fuck an honest mortal?" Fides spoke to Alyssa, "Okay, sweetheart, it’s been a while for me, so let’s see what he’s got."

"But he’s my man," Alyssa cried out.

"And don’t forget me!" Said Ashley, running through the wall. "I saw him first."

"But he’s my man," Alyssa cried out again.

"And I am a Roman goddess," spoke Fides. "And I say there is enough for all of us. Mike, I grant you the permanent return of your five inches. And although the orangutan dance is funny as hell, I grant you dispensation from having to do it."

"Now I get it!" Alyssa said, "This I’ve got to see!" She unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants.

Mike’s member grew the five inches. Before him stood, naked, the girl of his dreams, the girl of his wet dreams, and a Roman goddess.  He became hard in short order. One woman (he did not care who) kissed his lips, another played with his nipples, and a third used her mouth on his cock.

At the end of it all, Fides called to Ashley and they left together. Alyssa was asleep, and smiling.

Mike looked at Alyssa and decided that it was time to buy an engagement ring. He fired up the computer and began to search.

The email ad was straightforward. "Diamond rings, 2-carat and larger, ONE DOLLAR!!! Other diamond rings at deeper discounts."

Wordlessly, Mike pressed Delete.

Then he heard Saccularius’s voice, somewhere in the void. "Oh, crap."

Mike could only smile.