You’re almost two decades older than me. You were as old as I am right now when I had to be carried from room to room and set down and cried when I was tired or hungry or shitty. A lot of people think an old man chasing a young girl is disgusting. I guess the idea does get boring. When I notice head after head after head after head turn as I walk by, I feel really sad for men and their rabid attention usually makes me feel more alone. But the grass is always greener, right? Less handsome girls probably get sick of no one looking at them. Except for when they’re bouncing around at the beach and some grandpa leers behind sunglasses at their fat little tits, they get no consideration in their corduroy and cotton.

Trent hates it when I use the word handsome to describe a woman. Men are handsome and girls are pretty, he says. He’s so conservative, it drives me up the wall. It’s because his family is super religious and it rubbed off on him in every last annoying way. It’s funny how quickly his pseudo-convictions fly right out the window when it’s time for me to hit the light switch, mount his manhood, and bounce up and down like I’m throwing a fit. When I’m on top, I always make sure to be wearing pig tails.

This letter is going to be all over the place by the way and you’re simply going to have to freaking deal with it, buddy. My PC and printer are still packed after all these months and I’m too lazy to get it out and set it up. It doesn’t make a ton of sense. Shouldn’t I also be too lazy to write a letter by hand? I guess the thought of you reading this letter keeps me writing it.

But where was I? Oh yeah, you’re super old and I’m super young and your super old hot dog isn’t supposed to find it’s way anywhere near my extremely young flower, according to society. But the more I think about it, the more I realize the taboo exists (I took a class first semester where we kind of talked about taboos and other stuff like why you’re not supposed to fuck your sister or whatever and the professor was saying it's really not that big of a deal to have a kid with your cousin because the chances of it being deformed are in fact really really low) so anyway I think the age taboo exists for when it comes to men who want to get into RELATIONSHIPS with young women. But that doesn’t really play into OUR scenario, does it?

I don’t want to be in a relationship with you and I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be in one with moi, so then it doesn’t matter if I want to go out and get wasted and eat cheese fries at three in the morning while your priority is to stay home, balance the checkbook, and be in bed by nine. Our lifestyle differences would have no bearing on the 45 minutes we could spend together between the sheets. And if what it really comes down to is that people are concerned for me because you are older and are going to seduce and corrupt and pressure me into doing things I wouldn’t otherwise do... I don’t even know what to say about that. It seems I have plenty of influence over people and I take full advantage of it.

I was joking when I said you are super old. I think you are just about the right age. You have enough experience to be secure with who you are and what you believe. I’ve eavesdropped when you talk with my dad. And even when you’re adorably unsure about something, there’s no hint of insecurity in it. Your eyes don’t twitch like college boys who act like they’ve been hit in the nuts if someone says anything even remotely critical about them. It could be a janitor muttering something or a twelve-year-old talking shit about their baseball cap, it’s so stupid.

All I can do is imagine your big hands on me. You’re not like my boyfriend. You don’t startle like a doe at every sudden noise. I went and got tested a few weeks ago and I’m clean as a whistle, so you don’t have to worry about that. We would obviously have to keep any affair between us a secret. But let it be known that I am pursuing YOU. You have no power in this relationship. Oops, I didn’t mean to say relationship, this isn’t one of those. You have no power in this... situation.

You’re probably going to eye-fuck this letter until you see me again, huh? How many times did I breeze by my bedroom window topless, my senior year, to give you a sneak peek? The odds that you would be glancing out your window right as I went by my window were so extremely long, it only heightened the intensity of the fantasy. Forget about that. Forget that I could make myself climax at that point in my life just by touching my nipples. I was a sexy little bomb waiting to explode.

So anyway, I talked my parents into watching your kids tomorrow night as a sleepover kind of deal, because it’s nearly impossible to peel their eyes from that television screen, and I said I was going to stay at a friend’s house. In reality, I am going to park my car a few blocks away and walk back to your house and be waiting for you in your bedroom after work, if you’ll be gracious enough to not immediately kick me out, and we can figure out a few ways to kill time before we get sleepy. I had to rub one out before writing this letter, because if I hadn’t, my handwriting would have likely been unreadable.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Jeni