Do you remember your first sexual attraction? Could you even recognize it for what it was? I didn't recognize mine at the time, but looking back, I now know when it first happened. 

It was just another day, nothing out of the ordinary. Cassie and I were sitting in our favorite corner burger joint, sipping chocolate milkshakes. She was telling me about her latest crush. I was a late bloomer, not hooked on boys yet. Suddenly, my ears fell deaf, as my eyes fixated on her mouth - the way her lips turned up as she spoke. A strange tingling hit my tummy when her tongue shot out to lick a dollop of whipped cream from her upper lip. I didn't think much of it at the time. But, it was significant.

Over the next year, Cassie's crushes evolved into dates. She quickly became popular with the boys, and I was, well, best friend to the girl everyone wanted. I lived my dating life through her for a while and loved hearing about all her experiences.

At night, when hidden under my covers in darkness, I would visualize her dates. I found her stories arousing - when a boy first felt up her shirt and down her pants. I experienced my first wetness between my legs, playing out her stories in my mind at night, touching myself where the boy had touched her. It's funny, but I would take turns envisioning myself in her place being touched, but also his place, touching her body. Both scenarios caused my pussy to drip. I wasn't supposed to have these aches for Cassie, was I?

Cassie kept pushing me to like a boy, saying some boys she knew asked about me. My interest piqued a little. Her boyfriend of the week would kiss her in front of me, and I couldn't look away, focusing in on every erotic detail of their lips touching. I now wanted to be kissed too.

There was one boy I fancied. He was quiet, but friendly to me in science class. We started working together on labs and found we had a lot in common. We were both SciFi geeks and he asked me to the new Star Trek movie. 

As soon as the bell rang, I darted from class and ran to Cassie's locker. Knowing me so well, she immediately recognized my excitement.

"What? Tell meeeeee!" she shrieked, grabbing hold of my shoulders.

"Todd asked me out - to the Star Trek movie!"

We hugged each other, squealing.

"Okay. I am coming over tonight to help you get ready!"

"Thank you, Cassie. See you tonight!"

~~~

Later that evening 

I examined myself in the mirror. Cassie would be here soon to help with my hair and makeup. I had been through several outfit changes before I decided on my black jeans and a red v-neck sweater. My outfit accentuated my curves pretty nicely. Dressing for Todd had fallen by the wayside. Now, I found myself wanting Cassie's approval of my appearance.

I heard a short knock on the front door, followed by a, "I'm here," followed by feet pounding up the stairs. 

"Eeeeeeek!" Cassie squealed when she saw me. "Oh my God, you look hot! Your tits are popping in that sweater, girl!"

I beamed at her words, happy she liked what she saw.

"Okay, sit. Let me curl your hair," she said, pulling me into the bathroom. 

We pulled a chair in front of the counter and I sat down. Cassie started raking her fingers through my hair, trying to decide on a hairstyle for me. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on her fingertips - they felt so good. I suddenly wasn't as excited about my date, as goosebumps surfaced on my skin from her touches.

She decided on a beachy-wave look and began sectioning off my hair and meticulously curling each section. Once finished, she finger-fluffed my curls into her desired look. I looked up in the mirror and gasped. As a low-maintenance girl, a ponytail was my usual hairstyle. This new look was quite different - in a very good way. Cassie beamed at my reaction, obviously pleased with herself. 

"And now for your pretty face. I think just a little blush, pink lip gloss, and your big eyes will be the feature," she said studying my face.

I blushed a little under her intense gaze. Makeup was kind of an unknown to me as well. She pulled a few things out of her purse and went to work. First, she brushed a nude shimmery eyeshadow, followed by bronze eyeliner, topped with black mascara. Her face had never been so close to mine, and my thoughts were traveling to an inappropriate place. After brushing on a little blush, she stood back to analyze her progress. 

"Oh my God, you look so pretty," she said smiling.

I looked in the mirror and smiled. I did look pretty, thanks to her.

"Last touch - lip gloss. Hold still."

She leaned forward again and eyeing my lips, she carefully applied the lip gloss. I fought a strong urge to kiss her, with her face so close to mine. Stop it, I scolded myself. 

"There. Done. Perfect," she said, obviously pleased with herself. "What do you think?"

I looked up and turned my face side to side, taking it all in. It was perfect - not too little, not too much, just perfect. She knew me very well.

We heard a knock at the front door. Todd was here. She hugged me making me promise to call her as soon as our date was over. I walked down the stairs with mixed feelings. However, as soon as I saw him, my hesitation turned to excitement. He looked so cute in his jeans, with a snug t-shirt and jacket. His brown eyes looked me over and his expression revealed his approval of my appearance. 

Taking my hand he led me to the car. I turned around and saw Cassie watching us out my bedroom window. She was like another child to my parents and it wouldn't surprise me if she was still there when I returned home, eager to hear all the details. Todd and I enjoyed our movie and I experienced my first kiss that night. The only person I was thinking about when his lips touched mine was Todd.

The rest of high school was a flurry of exciting first times with boys. Physical touch with boys drove my thoughts now. This was the path I was supposed to follow, right? The excitement of the first time a boy slid his hand up my shirt and fondled my breasts. And my first time I felt a boy's fingers between my legs, touching, exploring. Losing my innocence was an exciting, wondrous time. Cassie and I remained close friends, but much of our time was spent with our respective boyfriends. I enjoyed sharing my sexual discoveries with her. She coaxed me to unbutton my boyfriend's jeans and encircle my first cock. Cocks fascinated me - the way they stiffened, lengthened from my touch. Definitely, boys filled my dreams at night now. My feelings were temporarily sorted out, it seemed.

~~~

My college years

Cassie and I roomed together in college. Living with her, sleeping beside her, watching her change clothes, stirred up confusing feelings once again. We often showered in stalls next to each other and I often masturbated, thinking about her naked body so close to mine. Visualizing her slender fingers sudsing her smooth skin excited me. Longings stirred within me as I watched her snuggled in her bed at night. She would get hot and kick her covers off, exposing her long legs. Her nightshirt would bunch up around her hips, giving me a peek at her panties. My mind was once again muddled and confused.

We each had boyfriends, relationships, breakups, but my relationships became oddly intertwined with hers. I didn't see the pattern at the time, of course. She would find a boyfriend she really liked and he would pull her time away from me. So, I would find a boyfriend. And I would really like my boyfriend too. Thoughts of Cassie that usually occupied my mind, would temporarily dissipate.

Then, something would happen and her relationship would end, and I would find a reason to end mine too. I wanted her to be happy, but couldn't help feeling a little twinge of excitement when her relationship ended. Always thinking, what if? And I felt guilty and confused about my feelings. Wasn't it wrong to crave my best friend in this way? We would go back to being adjoined twins for a while until she found another boyfriend. I always seemed to be waiting for the right time ... and that time never came. Then, I would find a boyfriend again too and the cycle would repeat. Each time I convinced myself she was out of my reach and lost myself in my boyfriend. This repetitive sequence of events continued throughout our college years. My twisting, turning heart often proved unbearable. God, this hurt!

~~~

My 20s

Upon graduation, Cassie and I started out sharing an apartment, but then her life took an unexpected turn. She met a man she wanted to get serious with and moved in with him. His name was Keith. This was a relief of sorts as it pushed me to let go of any unrealistic thoughts I had roaming around my mind about us. I forced myself onto an online dating app, where I met Matt. 

Our first date was magical in every way. We ended up talking for hours, closing down the restaurant. Yet, time was lost to us. Love hit me hard. It was that deep connection, you know, that connection where you feel like you have known each other forever. It rivaled my comfort with Cassie.

On our third date, he invited me over to his place for dinner. As soon as his door opened, we were all over each other. His mouth covered mine and we passionately kissed, until we had to come up for air. I tilted my head back, so his lips could nipple on my sensitive neck. When his tongue moved to my ear, I lost all control. My body was grinding against his, needing his skin to touch mine.

My fingers frantically fumbled with his belt as his hands gripped my shirt, yanking it over my head. Clothes were strewn all over the stairs. Half-way up, he bent me over and settled on the step below eating me out from behind. Oh my goodness, he was good! I had never felt anything this pleasurable. His lips devoured my pussy. Licked me raw. His fingers thrust inside me. Stretched me for his magnificent cock bouncing on its own. I heard my voice screaming, Fuck me, and he pulled me the rest of the way up and to his bedroom. We had a frenzied, ravenous fuck - two people desperately craving the other. I lost count of my orgasms that night and finally knew what the phrase, "Fuck me til I can't walk straight," meant. 

Matt and I gave bunnies a run for their money in the fucking department. Plus, we enjoyed the same activities. Our personalities matched. So, why did I still feel something might be missing? What was wrong with me?

Cassie and Keith often double-dated with me and Matt. We always had a great time, but despite my amazing relationship with Matt, I felt a twinge of jealousy each time Keith kissed her, held her hand, or stroked her back. I couldn't pry my eyes away. One time I guess my obsession with their touching was too obvious; Matt squeezed my hand and I awoke from my stare to see him looking at me in an odd, yet knowing way. What's worse - I pulled away from Matt after our double-dates. Of course, he questioned me about it, and I never had an answer for him. 

One night I was a Matt's when I received a text from Cassie. Matt and I were about to go upstairs and make love. 

"Oh, no," I said, frowning at my phone.

"What? What's wrong," Matt asked moving closer to me.

"It's Cassie. She just found out Keith has been cheating on her. She is very upset."

"Oh, baby. I am sorry. I know you are upset for her," he said trying to pull me into him.

I tensed up and he released me, frowning. He sighed a very loud sigh.

"Lexi, I want us to be serious, but I feel you need to explore something first," Matt said.

"Explore what? I don't follow you," I said, suddenly feeling nervous, looking away.

"Cassie," he said, lifting my chin to face him. 

"What about her? She is my best friend."

He sighed, keeping his hand on my face. "And your feelings for her run deeper than friendship, right? Don't run from them anymore. You can't give me your heart - your whole heart - until you explore those feelings with Cassie. Figure them out."

A tear rolled down my cheek. I was not surprised he knew. He was so intuitive and observant. He was right. I guess I would always hold back a little with him until I figured out my feelings for her. 

"So, you think I am a lesbian?" I asked quietly.

"No, I don't. You have an emotional, sexual attraction to me, yes?"

"Yes."

"I think you are someone who can love, connect, and be sexually attracted to both sexes. Right now, you love us both. I hope you choose me, but I won't feel secure with you until you have tried the path with Cassie." 

I collapsed against his chest, sobbing. "I don't know how. What do I say? She might freak out and end our friendship."

"If she is truly your friend, she won't abandon you, even if she doesn't return your feelings. She just won't," he said, squeezing me tightly. "Go home and invite her over. Now is the perfect time to be honest with her. This is the time for you to explore your sexuality. You have waited long enough. I support you, baby."

"I do love you, Matt," I said kissing him on the mouth, sniffling back my tears.

"I know you do. And I love you enough to let you explore your sexuality and feelings."

We held each other and shared a loving kiss, reassuring each other we would be okay. And I walked out his door.

~~~

Later that evening

I invited Cassie over for an old-fashioned sleepover - girl time. We made milkshakes, ordered in pizza, and watched her favorite movie. I was an open ear about Keith, trying to comfort her when she cried. I hated to see her hurting. But, other thoughts roamed around also. All too familiar thoughts.

When it was time for bed, Cassie curled up beside me and wrapped her arms around the pillow, sobbing again. I lightly rubbed her back, whispering soothing things to her like "You are too good for him",  "You will find the one who gives you all you deserve" and "I want someone to treat you like I ..."

"Like what? Finish your sentence, Lexi. Please."

"Treat your like I would," I finished, searching her face for some reaction. There I said it. I finally said it. 

 She stared intently at me, tears streaking her perfectly made-up face. I couldn't help but scoop up one of her tears with my fingertip. Then, I sucked my finger. 

I have no idea who moved first, but our lips lightly touched. It was such a soft kiss. Our eyes remained open, not secure enough to close. 

She spoke first, "Lexi," with a smile breaking through her frown.

I could only respond, "Cassie."

Her hand slid behind my head and pulled my mouth into hers again. This time my eyes closed and I lost myself in her kiss. It felt effortless and fulfilling - everything I had dreamed it would be. Our mouths opened allowing our tongues to further explore each other. Her hands caressed my face with the gentlest fingers. Somehow legs became tangled and breasts pressed against breasts. 

I slowly pulled away and looked into her knowing eyes, whispering, "I have been waiting."

She answered my whisper with another inviting kiss. We removed each other's nightshirts and panties and spent the night figuring out together how two women make love. My wait was finally over.