Quote by a_grumpy_666
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."


Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't.

Quote by chrscllngs
Have recently got into Alex Kava, shes very Patterson, and Bernard Cornwell, write briliant factual (ish) stories

Quote by Fenton
The other thread vanished.


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Quote by jermeister
I look them in the Eye and say thanks .While shaking their hand.

Quote by WellMadeMale
A member of Congress was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

Quote by ronniesingle23
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

Quote by a_grumpy_666
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join the club . The biker asks;
"Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there,"
and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly,
whiskey when I'm shooting pool..
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.
At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day ,
and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"


The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times...."

Quote by ronniesingle23
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great".

"Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good".

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.




The old guy begins, "One... two… three…"