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Magnetron
Over 90 days ago
Male, 155
Wisconsin,

Forum

You may notice similarities between the above poems, even to the point that the second almost rhymes with the first.

This is not only due to mine being inspired by daddysweetheart's, but also because it originated as additional lines accompanying hers and rhyming off of hers.

Her use of leaves and timbre caused my mind to wander about exploring the concept of a tree pining for a lost love. Pun intended.

When "our song" was complete, I then removed her lines and had an unfinished poem of my own that I did not want to go to waste.

None of this was possible without the intersection of a handful of choice words and the unique process of association that varies from reader to reader.
While writers of long fiction tend to do all the brain work for the reader when it comes to describing what this person looks like and how that event happened from start to finish, poetry if written properly utlizes key words that trigger the process of association and allows the reader to visualize it his or her own way.


That being said, good poetry is then fuel for other poets.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


by daddysweetheart


Echoes


echoes of you stir in my mind

shadows and thoughts of you

swirl around in my memory

like mental leaves

floating and falling

softly, gently

gliding surreptitiously

and in my mind

images of your face

appear randomly

although it is

hard to remember

what it looks like anymore

the soft timbre of your voice

even though

I have not heard it

in so long

echoes of our memories

coat my lonely heart

making my arms

long to hold you

once again

for old times sake.


----------------------------------------------------


by Magnetron


Poet Trees


Echoes echo
Throughout the willowed hollow
In secret gardens no one else knows of
Like creeping vines that twist and wind
Embracing the branches up above
Interlaced in loving weaves
And laying to rest
Placidly on my ledges and eaves
These faded remnants of your voice
Once upon a time they were
Such bright colored leaves
Still
Your tone resonates
Penetrates the many seasons
Having grown around my core
The more I feel you here with me now
The more reasons I have to cherish
And adore these memories
Ancient
Rekindled
When we writhed in passionate throes
Limbs bent and spent
Together in a rhythmic poetry
Rooted deep from seed so strong
Chambers of my heart emptied
Are daily nourished with new song
I sing along with
Can't help but sway to
These gifts you keep giving back
I will gladly take
As I tremble in the wind
And the echoes of your wake






Quote by Silentdark


Actually, I believe that's irony. Amusing irony, but irony all the same.


Irony is little different from Poetic Justice, which is opposite Poetic Injustice.
Quote by daddysweetheart


You are so very helpful..you see what others cannot...most lovely.


Thanks. It's probably one of the few gifts I do have.
Quote by Silentdark


I frequently write whatever emotion I feel, typically anger, depression, or loneliness. My parents are of the kind who seem sweet to everybody else, but when nobody's around, spend much of their time screaming at my siblings and I. Of the little bit of your psyche I've seen, I genuinely think you're bright enough to make the connection.


I get that it is an emotional piece, but it is too vague after line 3 as to whom you are referring to. Who is has done the swearing to protect? Policemen? Teachers? Nuns? Which in turn makes it vague as to who the you is in lines 1 thru 3, which could be anything from a teenager to a despondent Superhero.

This is a case of not enough words or words that trigger associations.

When I evaluate poetry, I mostly do it from the perspective of a reader rather than someone who writes poetry. If a poem does not engage me as a reader during the first pass, then my second pass as a poet offering feedback will isolate the reasons why.

I'm a firm believer in getting a clear message out in the first pass for the general reader to walk away satisfied. Sometimes that involves removing extraneous words and distractions. Other times that involves adding in extra words to grab attention, giving the reader more clay to shape and mold.

It is the reader that ultimately ends up finishing whatever you write wherever you leave off.
Quote by Silentdark
Life is a coin, a gamble of fate.
One side is kindness, a life filled with love.
The other side's different, for its roots are in hate.
On rare occasion the coin lands on the edge,
Creating a life that hangs in the balance.
The sides sway the coin, and the life along with it,
And each side's effect causes the life to be shifted.
But the sides push rather than pull,
Trying to snuff out the other's control.
In a war between forces dating back to times unknown,
The life can only watch through dirty windows.


This is poetry.

I would eliminate the last two lines.
Quote by Silentdark
As we lay this world to waste,
As we spit in Mother Nature's face,
There's something bigger going on in between the lines.
We're bringing nearer our end without a care,
And the blame for the demise we all shall share.
While you sleep soundly in bed with nothing to fear,
There are soldiers enduring a barrel's cold leer.
And as the trigger is pulled and the blood hits the floor,
Very few wonder what it's all for.


This has rhymes, but there is no poetry.

Poetry is a piano falling on a musician whose only reason for living is to make music.

Poetry is using the story of how the show must go on despite a circus act gone bad to tell the story of a couple no longer in love staying married for the sake of the children[/I]. Or vice versa.

Poetry is getting readers to play music in their minds with just strategic words and line spacings.
Quote by Silentdark
Living life behind an endless facade,
Guarding the heart with all that I've got.
Sweet words hiding the venom within,
Blind made self-righteous by the illusion of vision
Pushed to the edge by those sworn to protect


This one is just a bunch of words that does not trigger any associations in my mind.

Read it and post what goes through your mind. It should prompt some memories or feelings attached to memories.

If it prompts nothing, then you don't really have a poem here.
Quote by Silentdark
What kind of world is it that we live in,​
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
So man up and hold your ground.​


Repetition is your enemy. Too many of the same words are repeated in broadcasting the same message over and over again.

There is further repetition as it reads monotonous from beginning to end. Without a changeup in the rhythm, few readers are going to make it through the entire thing.

And you are preaching a long winded sermon, which will bore even God fearing people who do value human life. Imagine how it will be received by people who don't believe in your God and by Atheists.

Just make up some music in your head and reduce the poem into song lyrics that have a few additional verses than what we are usually accustomed to.
Quote by Silentdark
Stumbling and lost in what's felt inside,
The fear and the hate,
The sense of living a lie.
The rage, the pain
It's all the same


The above lines have little relationship with the below lines. It goes from wallowing in a generic mix of emotions to a specific belief in being used in someone else's strategic efforts.

Quote by Silentdark
We're always just a piece in someone's game,
Often less valued than a simple pawn
Yet we endlessly search for where we belong.


Since you are using a chess metaphor ......

Yet we endlessly search for where we belong
Beyond the limitations of a flat checkered board

Tie your emotional wallowing into a rebellion against using people for selfish gains. Give us a glimpse of what is beyond the board that you feel you are being cheated out of, what the person using you is being cheated out of.
Don't be afraid to post what you've written so far in the forum in order to get some immediate feedback.