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Horrible Advice for Talentless Authors

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Quote by hayley


You could never qualify as "talentless".





Perhaps with some practice, I could.
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Quote by Adagio


Perhaps with some practice, I could.


Giving your reply some deep thought.... (deeply)... naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ... no chance, buckley's !!!

Fate made you a poet ... now you are stuck with it sweet man. Tough at the top !

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Quote by hayley


Giving your reply some deep thought.... (deeply)... naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ... no chance, buckley's !!!

Fate made you a poet ... now you are stuck with it sweet man. Tough at the top !





Perhaps I could qualify, for "Talentless Lite, Sugar Free."
curvygalore
Bonnet Flaunter
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Quote by LeCygneNoir
I'm pretty sure the original poster intended this as a funny thread, right in the line of The Worst Muse. (If you don't know her, check her twitter account, it's hilarious: https://twitter.com/WorstMuse )

"It's still not too late to add a vampire!"


Damn!! I thought that was my idea!
Melissa999
Υπηρέτης της Αφροδίτης
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Just give it up. don't waste time on something you have no talent for, and probably never will. Try Cake Decorating, it's very creative.
In the world's harsh wear and tear many a very sincere attachment is slowly obliterated.


Είμαι ταξιδιώτης τόσο στο χρόνο όσο και στο διάστημα
Verbal
Gravelly-Voiced Fucker
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Quote by Ruthie


As an authoritarian moderator, I feel that semen amounts should be given in milliliters rather than ounces, but that is not really Lush policy. 755 ml instead of 25.5296 oz, but this policy does not apply to any measurements other than semen. However, the number of spurts should always be written out if it is under one hundred, eighty, not 80.


See. now I realize that I usually DO include the number of spurts in a story. I feel like a talentless hack. However since the number is always under a hundred, I always spell it out. Perhaps I get style points for that at least.

I think LOTS of adjectives and adverbs are the key, particularly if they all mean the same thing. Also many different words for cock and pussy, because it gets so repetitive otherwise. "He forcefully and vigorously took his enormous, red, pulsing, turgid, cum-soaked manrod and enthusiastically rammed it swiftly and deeply into her hot, shaved, twitching, soft, newly-mopped-floor wet love cave. Her sex cavern hungrily engulfed his large, stiff, throbbing, lovemeat and squeezed it like a tube of toothpaste."
principessa
Sophisticate
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Never mind spelling or grammar. Just write your story as you would a text message or tweet. After all, this is your version of artistic expression. Be sure to tell that to the story moderator who returns your story suggesting corrections.
adi_me33
Lady GlitterGiggles
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Quote by Sirene_Jaune
Just keep writing. Practise makes perfect also another advice I can say is read the story back to yourself out loud to see how it flows.

I love your profile pic....not sure what forum I am in so I best be on my way....
adi_me33
Lady GlitterGiggles
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Quote by Adagio
I have been told, that I have no talent. However, I considered the source. My advice, is to keep writing, and hone the art.



I'm sure I am not talented. YOU are awesome, but I particularly love the fact that you continue to write and do so in various ways. It's evident you enjoy it and thus, are extremely talented!
Verbal
Gravelly-Voiced Fucker
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Quote by LeCygneNoir
I'm pretty sure the original poster intended this as a funny thread, right in the line of The Worst Muse. (If you don't know her, check her twitter account, it's hilarious: https://twitter.com/WorstMuse )

"It's still not too late to add a vampire!"


That is a really funny feed.

The Worst Muse‏ @WorstMuse 12 Nov 2014
Show, don't tell: try replacing adjectives with emoji.
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Quote by adi_me33



I'm sure I am not talented. YOU are awesome, but I particularly love the fact that you continue to write and do so in various ways. It's evident you enjoy it and thus, are extremely talented!


I'm not gifted and lack punctuation skill, but I do like do dabble in lines of words. I write for my own entertainment and like to see where it takes me.
adi_me33
Lady GlitterGiggles
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Quote by Adagio


I'm not gifted and lack punctuation skill, but I do like do dabble in lines of words. I write for my own entertainment and like to see where it takes me.


What's this punctuation you speak of? LOL. I rarely use it either
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Quote by Verbal


See. now I realize that I usually DO include the number of spurts in a story. I feel like a talentless hack. However since the number is always under a hundred, I always spell it out. Perhaps I get style points for that at least.

I think LOTS of adjectives and adverbs are the key, particularly if they all mean the same thing. Also many different words for cock and pussy, because it gets so repetitive otherwise. "He forcefully and vigorously took his enormous, red, pulsing, turgid, cum-soaked manrod and enthusiastically rammed it swiftly and deeply into her hot, shaved, twitching, soft, newly-mopped-floor wet love cave. Her sex cavern hungrily engulfed his large, stiff, throbbing, lovemeat and squeezed it like a tube of toothpaste."


I like "purple-helmet warrior."

Or there's always the classic, from Spinal Tap:
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
I love to sink her with my pink torpedo.
Kathrin
Active Ink Slinger
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It's her first time, but she's amazing in bed. Why wouldn't she be???
kink explorer and porn story author deluxe
RumpleForeskin
The Right Rev of Lush
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In addition to using plenty of adverbs and adjective, be sure to over use exclamation points. The is especially true when orgasm are described using many repetitive letters. For instance:

She shrieked, "Ooooooh, yesssssss!!!! I'm coooooommming!!!!!!"

That sort of abuse of the English language will mark the tasteless, talentless author for special recognition.

RUMPLATIONS: AwesomeHonky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Home of the Lush "IN" crowd: indecent, intoxicated, and insolvent
a place to gossip, share news, talk sports, pimp a story, piss & moan, or just grab a drink. Check it out.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords. -- ROBERT HEINLEIN
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Quote by Adagio


Perhaps I could qualify, for "Talentless Lite, Sugar Free."


Sugar Free ???? .. What's that? ... Sounds awful

Burquette
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If you're stuck and don't know how to start, use an onomatopoeia! Everyone loves those (words that are sounds).

"Beep. Beep. Beep," went my alarm.
"Ding-dong," rang the doorbell.

People may not get the exact mental image you intend for them unless you tell the reader every instant of the action. Make sure you do that for particularly unimportant scenes. It gives the piece "atmosphere".

She looked at the TV and realized that she was thirsty. She unfolded her legs, putting both feet square on the floor. She stood and walked the twenty paces to the refrigerator, noticing that she needed to dust. She heard the suction of the refrigerator give and reached for a bottle of water. It was cold to the touch. Then, she returned to the couch. She checked the TV again. All she had missed was the commercial break. She folded her feet back under her and opened her water. She drank a few swallows.

Bonus points if all of the sentences are structured the same!
latecomer91364
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Write line after line of 'shoe leather' (physical movement that advances neither plot nor character). Make us read a minimum of ten paragraphs like that and then, when you get to the sex. keep it really short, like:

'We laid on the bed, he stuck his dick in me and within a few thrusts, he grunted and came.'

Then write a bunch more shoe leather before ending it.
CharlotteRusse1
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Always mention the cup size. Don't forget that there are sizes above DDD. E, F, G and H are very hot.
An old favorite story of mine: The Chaise Lounge
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Quote by CharlotteRusse1
Always mention the cup size. Don't forget that there are sizes above DDD. E, F, G and H are very hot.


This thread inspired me to try my hand at what hopefully will read like humor. Tentative title: "A Laundry List, and Other Sins."

I may submit it later.

The girl, unfortunately, is fairly under-endowed, having only DDs. The man (the first one anyway) is also a bit puny at nine inches.

No vampires either.

I'll try to do better next time.

I'll "edit" it and maybe submit it later today.
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Quote by oceanrunner


This thread inspired me to try my hand at what hopefully will read like humor. Tentative title: "A Laundry List, and Other Sins."

I may submit it later.

The girl, unfortunately, is fairly under-endowed, having only DDs. The man (the first one anyway) is also a bit puny at nine inches.

No vampires either.

I'll try to do better next time.

I'll "edit" it and maybe submit it later today.


le voila, a "magnum" opus.
A Laundry List, and Other Sins: A Porn Parody
SummerLeigh
Candyland Kitten
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Please be sure to describe in detail the height, weight, cup size (or dick size), so that we cannot rely on our own imagination at all to supply the details. Remember, this is your fantasy. Your readers should just feel grateful you've made sure they understand exactly what your fantasy looks like.

And to be sure they keep up, do two things: 1) Use your characters name before or after every time they speak or perform any action whatsoever; 2) Use the phrase 'And then' at every possible opportunity, and especially after every sentence in a sex scene.
ChuckEPoo
Chuckanator
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Quote by Burquette
I'm sure the intent of this thread was humor.

That being said, writing is a skill as much as it is a talent. Some people have a natural feel for the written word and others have to work harder to develop it. Anything you state could be excellent advice for developing writers if framed correctly, as a writing exercise (except the tentacle one, I suppose).

I just dislike the term 'talentless'. It's discouraging and needlessly so.

Cheers. Carry on.


I agree. You're one of those filled with talent ozzing out your pores. As and author I'm.... a legend in my own mind.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by RumpleForeskin
In addition to using plenty of adverbs and adjective, be sure to over use exclamation points. The is especially true when orgasm are described using many repetitive letters. For instance:

She shrieked, "Ooooooh, yesssssss!!!! I'm coooooommming!!!!!!"

That sort of abuse of the English language will mark the tasteless, talentless author for special recognition.



Using all uppercase letters works even better!
Oh yes!! Oh yes!! OH YESSSS!!! I'm CUMMINGGGGGG!!!

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Master_Jonathan
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Quote by Adagio
I have been told, that I have no talent. However, I considered the source. My advice, is to keep writing, and hone the art.


Don't feel bad Adiago, my "Creative Writing" teacher told me I shouldn't try to make it as a writer either. Suffice it to say I have proven her wrong. I may not be a "polished" author, but I have some very naughty ideas! LOL! She just didn't let me write the things I wanted to write! I had no interest in Haiku's and other forms of poetry... had she let me write dirty stories however, I would have given her some fun reading!
HeraTeleia
Top Shot
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Quote by sprite


Using all uppercase letters works even better!
Oh yes!! Oh yes!! OH YESSSS!!! I'm CUMMINGGGGGG!!!


Of course upper case is the best!!! With lots of exclamation points!!! Because that's totally how real human actual beings sound when we are involved in sexual activity, and as a reader, I can only gauge the intensity of the character's orgasm by the capitalisation or lack thereof of the letters in words and the use of exclamation points!!!
Want to spend some time wallowing in a Recommended Read? Pick one! Or two! Or seven!

Kathrin
Active Ink Slinger
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Of course it's great literature. And it has sex in it!
kink explorer and porn story author deluxe
Kathrin
Active Ink Slinger
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Paragraphs? What are paragraphs?
kink explorer and porn story author deluxe
RumpleForeskin
The Right Rev of Lush
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Don't ever re-write. It'll spoil your spontaneity. If you must, go ahead and run a quick 'spell checker', then submit your first draft. ;)

RUMPLATIONS: AwesomeHonky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Home of the Lush "IN" crowd: indecent, intoxicated, and insolvent
a place to gossip, share news, talk sports, pimp a story, piss & moan, or just grab a drink. Check it out.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords. -- ROBERT HEINLEIN