Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay...now what?"
A midget walks into a bar in Dublin with a cat and an ostrich. They sit down for a while until the midget gets up and orders three drinks. When the three have finished their drinks, the ostrich goes up to the bar and orders three more. During the course of the evening the midget and the ostrich take it in turns ordering drinks for themselves and for the cat. The bar tender is watching them the whole time and when it's the midget's turn at the bar again, the bar tender asks him,
"Hey, all night long you and your ostrich friend there have been buying all the drinks and the cat hasn't put his hand in his pocket once. Why?"
"Well, it's like this ya see. A whiles back I was digging in me garden and I digs up a lamp. I hopes it would be a magic lamp so I rubs it and, sure as me mother was born in Derry, out comes a genii. Now this was only a two wish genii and after giving it some thought I said, "" I want a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.""
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Hey Pete man...you had to put your joke on my thread...
Didn't your mother ever teach you not to threadjack???
Nice joke, btw...
And Scooter...welcome back to Lush...you missed your own birthday party, btw...
Two leprechauns go to visit a priest. The priest agrees to see them. The first leprechaun asks,
“Father we was wondering if you know whether female leprechauns become nuns? Have you ever heard of a female leprechaun becoming a nun.”
The priest is puzzled and intrigued by this question and promises the leprechauns to do some research and he asks them to return in a few days. The leprechauns thank the priest and depart.
A few days later they return and the priest tells them, “I’m sorry boys, I looked through all the annals of the Catholic Church in Ireland and there is not a single reference to a female leprechaun taking the veil.”
The first leprechaun turns to the second who is looking rather ashamed of himself by now, and says,
“See, I told ya! You’ve been fucking penguins again.”
Dedicated to my friend Alan ‘Dirty Martini’ Jankowski
On their way to the shrine of Saint Francis at Assisi, a bus load of Irish Catholic nuns were involved in a tragic freeway accident that resulted in their deaths.
They all went up to Heaven of course and there, outside the Pearly Gates, they were met by Saint Patrick (it was Peter’s day off)
Saint Patrick stood behind a low table upon which there was a large bowl of holy water. The saint told the nuns to line up. To the first nun he said,
“Now sister before I can admit you through the gates I must ask you one question. Have you ever touched a man’s penis with any part of your body?”
“Well….yes, St Patrick. I used to care for the old and that involved washing them. So I might have touched a penis with my hands while washing an old man.”
“Very good, now dip your hands in the holy water and you can pass through the gates.”
Saint Patrick asks the next nun the same question and she tells him that she used to be an army nurse and she accidently touched a soldier’s penis once with her elbow while treating his injuries.
“Very well then, dip your elbow in the holy water and you can pass through to Heaven.”
Suddenly, a great commotion is heard at the back of the line and one of the younger nuns rushes forward.
“Please sisters, please, you’ll all get a turn,” says Saint Pat, but the young nun just looks at him and bellows,
“I want to rinse my mouth with that water before sister Agatha dips her ass in it!”
. And you guys are funny too!
