Hi lushies
i would appreciate your advice.
A friend has met an older woman on a dating site and is planning to fly thousands of miles to meet her. She has offered to pay for my friend's flight after only two weeks of chatting on a lesbian dating site. They have video chatted so that eliminated many of my fears .. but has refused to chat with me, which has raised a red flag.
i would like to assist her by suggesting how to make such a meeting safer and would also appreciate your thoughts about meeting people in real life from online sites?
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."
C'è un fascino per il proibito che lo rende indicibilmente desiderabile.
— Mark Twain
The only thing I could say is to offer to go with your friend or get her to take someone with her when she goes to meet this woman for the first time. As if something was to wrong she could need someone there with her
I have recently married a man I met on Lush so I say first and foremost trust your gut feeling. If she is staying in a hotel verify two rooms are booked so she has the option of a private room. First face to face should be in a very public place and I would use Uber or Lyft for transportation and not a the persons private vehicle. Noonlight is a safety app that I have and suggest anyone looks into, just google it. Safe sex is also another layer of protection if it gets to that point. My friend and I use the code word pineapple when she goes on blind dates and I know if she works it into a phone call or text she needs me to intervene. Make sure your family knows where you are going and when you are returning. Also make sure you have emergency contacts in your phone under ICE. Hope this helps some.
Meet in public in a safe place. a cafe for lunch or something like that, and do it in the afternoon. let people know where you will be and when and have a check in call planned, where you call or text to let someone(s) you trust know that you're safe. don't met them at a hotel or some place that you aren't familiar with. do your research. sorry if this sound paranoid, but i call it being careful. personally, i go armed - pepper spray is pretty much a must anytime you're in public, regardless of circumstance. i overdo it and carry a couple of knives, but that's just me. keys make good weapons too, in a pinch.
yeah, i know, i'm fucking up the romance, but seriously, 2 weeks is a short time to trust in someone on the interwebs.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
I'd just bring this girl ^^^^^^
The farthest away I've ever agreed to meet someone for the first time (for sexual purposes) is about 100 miles. When you meet someone who has flown thousands of miles to meet you, the expectations for something to happen are just too great, and I don't like the pressure that comes with these expectations if the two of us don't click immediately. If you can accept the pressure of those expectations, and still be willing to say no if things don't go the way you hope, then utilize all the advice the posters above have related, because it's all good advice. Never be afraid to ask questions. If the person you're meeting is reluctant to be forthcoming, take that as a warning sign. Many people try to stay anonymous when swinging, and give false names. Be prepared for this. It's not necessarily a deal-breaker if you still feel comfortable with them. I've certainly been guilty of fucking people whose real names I did not know, and it turned out okay. But if they don't have medical records attesting to the fact that they've been recently screened for STDs, then you're always taking a risk and should be wary of anonymous sex partners. Always be ready and willing to back out should you feel uneasy or if they don't seem to be what they represented themselves to be, no matter how far they've traveled.
If she does not have a return ticket she does not go anywhere. Absolutely not.
I can tell you of three similar incidents with close friends.
The first and worst, Joe was invited to visit a woman in America. They had met on facebook, and he sent her pictures of himself. She bought him a return ticket. When she met him at the airport she looked at him like he was a leper. Joe was so sensitive to the rejection he spent his own money to change his ticket and come straight home. We, his friends, had no idea what she was expecting.
Mary started emailing an Englishman in Portugal. He invited her to spend a month with him. He invited her several times before introducing her to her husband.
Bill was planning a trip to America. A mutual acquaintance asked him to visit her in New Orleans first. He stopped for several days, then carried on with his trip visiting friends he'd made online. He stopped again with Darlene at the end of his trip and never made it back to Bristol. They married a few months later. Bill still visits his American friends from time to time, and since I married and moved to New Mexico he has been here a few times, a couple of times with Darlene.
I have heard of friends of friends who met people online. None of them had a worse experience than Joe. I've never heard of it going really badly.
Again, your friend must have a return ticket before heading to the airport. I think she will probably have a good time.
Simplicity only allowed me to come to her after we had spent a year together online. Additionally, I had years of history here at lush for her to judge me by.
I had been completely open with her, video chatting, giving her my address and photos of my home. She knew my full name, where I worked- everything I could do to prove I was legit. She shared my information with a close friend who even ran a background check.
Even then, I flew from California to North Carolina to meet her, not the other way around.
Safety comes with knowing who she is. She should have detailed information on her and have it verified and kept with someone she trusts. I was told by Simmies best friend to let her speak on the phone every day while we traveled. Her not wanting to talk to others is a red flag for sure. Had I gone silent, the police would have been called.
Meeting a stranger is no joke. She needs to protect herself and if she doesn’t want to let her, alarms should be sounding in flashing lights
Protection is key .
Like everyone else said ..
Daily phone calls to check in. The friend's own hotel room use only public transportation. Meet in a public place . but first and foremost make sure their is a return ticket.
Two weeks seems like too short of time to me to meet someone so far away
Omg this post caused me to have a panic attack. I had a very bad experience with a man I met my first day on Match dating site ... long story, but end result was me filing a police report and the FBI ending up with the case. I dont care if video chatting happened or not ... you do not know this person. And you won't know them after you meet that first time. I would require a pic of ID with their address and give it to friends. Meet in public. Even after the initial meet, it is so dangerous to go somewhere alone. I was on the hook for 2 months before the deception became known. I pray for a safe trip and an honorable person on the other end.
Hi, I met someone from here. At first it was good, he took me to nice restaurants, the hotels were nice, and the sex was good. Looking at it now I was lucky I mean really lucky I wasn’t hurt physically by him. I didn’t know him at all. Only what he told me and I think most of it was lies. I did a background check on him but only after he disappeared on me. Turns out he is still married, has a criminal record and went through bankruptcy.
I just hope your friend is more careful then I was.
Quick question, why does your friend need to travel? I get the whole idea of free trip, all expenses paid and so forth. Why your friend, and not the older woman? The older woman would have known, her friends will ask questions, so why the refusal to a friendly chat. When Cas aka Adele came to visit me, I was more than happy to chat with her family members, to reassure them I was real. It was not easy but understandable.
I have to agree with what has been posted already. Also, if she knows the hotel or area she will be staying at, maybe google map it. Check out cheaper/available places incase of emergency. Check the local phone company available, if she doesn't have roaming. She needs to do her own research and not rely solely on what has been shared. If anyone has watched the Catfish series, you will be surprise at how clever people can be at deceiving. Definitely leave copies of itinerary and so forth with family and friends.
That said, the older lady may truly be someone nice and sweet, with good intentions.
'..May the Lord watch between you and me when we are absent from one another..' Gen31:49 😇
exercise extreme caution, get as many personal details of this person as you can and share them with friends. Insist on a return ticket and own hotel room in a chain hotel. use public transport and meet in public places. organise phone or prefersbly video check-ins with a friend. If at any time anything feels off, bail out.
Two wks is too soon to meet up. It feels like a waste of a trip.
E is correct. I did fly from Chicago to New Zealand to meet her. but that is only part of the story... It took me months to convince her to let me visit her and before I did, we spent hours nearly every day on the phone chatting. I flew on my own dime, my sisters both spoke to her on the phone and we googled her address and saw the house on google earth. I stayed at the home she shared with her parents and several other family members. (There was never an expectation of sex.) That was in 2012 and we are still friends to this day.
That said, i have met 18 Lushies IRL. Most of them I have met in restaurants for lunch and they mostly know me by Cas, not my real name. (I make no secret of that fact.) A few, including one from Australia (that I met briefly on a layover returning from NZ, has come to the states and stayed in my home. A few others have also been to my home and a few know my real name, first and last. One actually lives in my building and another Lushie that was visiting and I convinced him to join Lush, which he did for a short time. I am still friends with several of these people and chat on the phone or see occasionally.
Probably the scariest meeting was with someone I met here and four weeks later invited her to come stay with me for awhile. 2 weeks later, I was picking her up at the airport. I made a deal with her... she had just gone through a rough time providing hospice care for a friend and wanted to get away from NYC after she died. I had a half done kitchen remodel and she was a carpenter, so I paid for her ticket and paid her a bit of money as well. She stayed in my house and I paid all expenses, food and entertainment. She ended up returning 2 more times over the next 18 months or so. We eventually had a falling out and are no longer friends. (There was never much in the way of sex, and that was kind of understood upfront.)
All in all, my advice is 2 weeks is way too short a time. 6 weeks wasn't much better, but I was on my home turf, and my family had her info. I knew the name was real, since I bought the plane ticket so needed her real name and DOB The few people that have been to my house, i met first elsewhere before having them over. I would be highly suspicious of someone unwilling to chat with my family or friends.
Others have given good advice... daily phone calls are better than texts as anyone that had her phone could text. Safe words are good, random calls are good. Also, take a picture of the person as soon as you meet them and send it to someone you trust. Ditto with a pic of their car with the plate number in view. Even ask them for their license and snap a pic of that too. If they hesitate or don't allow it, then my suggestion would be to turn around and head back home, or find yourself a cheap hotel and make sure they don't know where it is until you can get yourself back home. And my final bit of advice is to make sure you have enough cash or a good credit card so that if you need to, you can afford your own ticket home.
I would like to offer a slightly different perspective if I may. About 6 years ago a family member of mine broke up with her then fwb , and the young lady , who apparently wanted more than a FWB relationship began searching online , quickly meeting someone and chatting for a few weeks, eventually deciding to travel a few hundred miles to meet her new friend.
What precautions she took to ensure her safety we will never know since ,unfortunately , she never came back.
My family member , who is the type to always take responsibility for anything she's involved with , took it VERY hard , completely purging her online footprint and even to this day it effects her online interactions
So, this girls decision not only hurt her, her friends and her family , but mine as well.
I have never considered meeting another lush member since I'm married and since I met my husband when I 16 , have never thought about what I would do in your friends place but it seems many people here have and are offering wonderful suggestions . Pass them on to your friend and cross your fingers she will listen
Tons of great advice on this post for Tigger's friend and anyone else thinking about meeting someone for the first time... You can never be too safe when meeting someone for the first time and it should be treated like a first date... My personal opinion is that 2 weeks is way too soon to meet someone, even if they lived in the same state... She needs to spend more time talking with this person, learning more about her and her life... I think anyone who wants to meet that quickly and is willing to pay for a flight is either lonely, needy or controlling... None of which is a good thing... I truly hope your friend reconsiders and I think if she does, the other persons true colors will begin to show... Good luck!
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Firstly why won’t she video chat with you? I would ask questions about that first and to see what she might be hiding. Secondly two weeks is not enough time to really get to know someone so I would try convincing my friend to wait. Thirdly if they do or don’t decide to wait I would let it be known you were going with your friend to keep her safe. Now a days you can’t be too cautious. GOOD LUCK ?
Everything that's been said is excellent advice. The issue is going to be to get your friend to follow it. Tigger, I know that you have probably said many, if not all, of these things to your friend. It seems that she's already made up her mind to take the trip. This despite your concerns regarding this person's unwillingness to vchat with you. Maybe you could try being party to a chat. But I'm thinking "Stranger Danger", "Stranger Danger".
If this is an international trip, then I'd really be worried. Maybe it's the prospect of visiting somewhere new and exciting that is putting blinders in place despite the warnings. That said, if she does follow the various suggestions listed above hopefully, she'll have a wonderful, safe trip.
I had a thought this morning while reading the vast array of responses to this feed. No one has taken this girl's mindset into consideration. Maybe she's being as careful as she thinks she can be/is necessary given her personal circumstances. Maybe she has a family/career that limit how open she can be about travelling thousands of miles to meet someone she obviously feels is worth the time. Maybe she's tried to pursue online relationships over an extended period of time and its caused her nothing but heartache and a greater fear of rejection than just jumping in with both feet early and knowing if its going to work out or not. I'm not saying this girl shouldn't take some caution if she intends to do this...I'm only saying don't judge a book by its cover. We are all from different walks of life on lush and some of us have the luxury to openly pursue more endeavors than others of us could ever dream of. If I were the older woman I'd be more afraid the youngster visiting is looking for a sugar mama;)
I would highly suggest not to go meet her, 2 weeks is too soon. The most important form of protection would be not to go alone, taking a friend along with you while meeting someone online and let another third person know where you're going and where exactly you would be. Secondly, never let anyone you're meeting online or even physically to use restrains in bed. Not at all unless you trust that person completely. I wish your friend the best of luck!
This situation is eerily like one I was involved with years ago ..one that forever changed the way I look at online relationships. For the most part .. with one wonderful exception ( thank you Lauren and Chris)when the subject of meeting comes up I make sure it is understood I can't ( not won't) meet anyone. So my opinion is certainly bias .
Even if Stacey is perfectly correct in her analysis of this girls RL situation .. there are several red flags going on here. And what could happen while she's thousands of miles away from home with no one really knowing where she really is or what she is doing is truly frightening .. even if she thinks " I'll be fine " I'm sure that girl from my past thought that too (not being comfortable with telling anyone is a huge red flag in itself ) . I'm sure she thinks there are good reasons for ignoring the warning signs and all the wonderful advice given here. Is what she hopes to gain by doing this now rather than after a longer ..let's call it "courtship " .. worth the risk of what has happened to many young girls ... happening to her
A background check is a good start. There are ways to do this. Two weeks is trouble waiting to happen.
