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trust after affairs
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Quote by Milly
I can't speak for all couples - we're all different. What some can forgive and forget, others cannot.
Personally though, if someone has an affair/cheats, that's it. Finished.
I know I would always hold that against them if I were to "forgive them".
Exactly this!!! Trust is everything to me, and once that's been violated/betrayed, there's no going back for me. I've been cheated on and tried to make things work, but all it did was add resentfulness and bitterness on top of the hurt and betrayal I felt. I guess it varies from relationship to relationship...especially if there's marriage and kids involved. But if you can make a conscious decision to physically or even emotionally give away something that was meant for us and us alone, in my book there's nothing to salvage.
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Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Quote by DikDango
How would you feel if your partner cheated on you with someone of the same sex?
That has nothing to do with it. Cheating is cheating, in my book. It wouldn't make a difference to me if my boyfriend got pounded by a dick or slammed his dick into a vagina. The fact remains that he cheated.
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Quote by slipperywhenwet2012
That has nothing to do with it. Cheating is cheating, in my book. It wouldn't make a difference to me if my boyfriend got pounded by a dick or slammed his dick into a vagina. The fact remains that he cheated.
Thats my sentiments exactly was just asking because recently me partner cheated on me with another woman and she says its different because it was with another woman and its something that i can't offer her
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Quote by DikDango
Thats my sentiments exactly was just asking because recently me partner cheated on me with another woman and she says its different because it was with another woman and its something that i can't offer her
So she's justifying her cheating by making it your fault somehow? As if it's your fault you were born with a penis? As if she didn't know you had a penis going into the relationship? As if she weren't aware of the limited (no offense) abilities of said penis? Seems like she's just trying to get into your head and make you blame yourself, which is one of the most vile forms of manipulation. If she can feel justified in her cheating, then you should know where you stand. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Know your worth, and do what you need to do in order for you to be happy, because it seems as if her only concern is herself.
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Quote by slipperywhenwet2012
So she's justifying her cheating by making it your fault somehow? As if it's your fault you were born with a penis? As if she didn't know you had a penis going into the relationship? As if she weren't aware of the limited (no offense) abilities of said penis? Seems like she's just trying to get into your head and make you blame yourself, which is one of the most vile forms of manipulation. If she can feel justified in her cheating, then you should know where you stand. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Know your worth, and do what you need to do in order for you to be happy, because it seems as if her only concern is herself.
Thanks very much for your honest and detailed reply and on a side note when i go to look at your profile i shit myself when that music starts up
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Milly
I can't speak for all couples - we're all different. What some can forgive and forget, others cannot.
Personally though, if someone has an affair/cheats, that's it. Finished.
I know I would always hold that against them if I were to "forgive them".
Amen! Thankfully I haven't been with anyone that has cheated on me (or at least not to my knowledge) but cheating of ANY kind (and we all know that many people on here have their own versions of what constitutes cheating depending on how it benefits them) is a means for immediate dismissal! No exceptions. Trust is HUGE for me and I have a hard time with it at the best of times never mind if/when someone cheats and breaks it. It's o-v-e-r!
Alpha Blonde
Quote by DandR4ever
can a couple rekindle after both were caught cheating???
If there's *any* lingering resentment or anger over it, it will come out in other ways and affect the relationship. That's what happened to me when I took back an ex-bf that had cheated. I thought I could forgive and forget but there was lingering distrust and resentment that showed up in some subtle (and some not so subtle) ways in the first six months after we got back together. Finally he called me out on it and we talked and I realized that I had to find a way to put it behind me and not keep subconsciously punishing him for it. After much effort on my part, things finally normalized. Until a couple of years later when - go figure - the fucker cheated again. Habitual cheaters are just wired differently.
In your situation, you've technically set a precedent for cheating being the default behaviour when the relationship is on the rocks. Yes, you can come back together and try to repair and re-energize the relationship and will likely have some success for the first while. But inevitably things will probably slip if you don't fix the underlying issues, and that urge may be there again and since you already did it once, it's always easier the second time around. Proceed with caution.
Active Ink Slinger
My wife did have sex with someone else. I don't know who but there were times when she would come home and I can smell sex. She also would never want sex for a day after.
We lasted a while and she stopped. But I couldn't live with the lack of trust. We got divorced.
We lasted a while and she stopped. But I couldn't live with the lack of trust. We got divorced.
Active Ink Slinger
The only thing i trust is the fact that a man away from home is going to have sex if it presents it self to him.Und really why worry, unless it turns into an affair....2 things i told my husband , when you are traveling, dont bring any thing home ......if u do its going to be hell ....und ... if your little fling turns into more ....go be with her .....cuzz i kan get mi own play mate ....this is mi 2nd marrage, so people have sex ......i really dont think about it when he is out, if he wants to he kan bring me home some left overs .....
Lea!
By the way, I have had ..NO ONE sense I said mi vows .....aaaaaahhhh well ....there was ...........................
Lea!
By the way, I have had ..NO ONE sense I said mi vows .....aaaaaahhhh well ....there was ...........................
Empress of the Moon
Once trust is broken, it's nearly impossible to get it fixed. A relationship can never be the same if there is cheating.
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Wild at Heart
Someone who cheats on you will always cheat on you one way or another. You may think they have changed and they are very hurt over letting you down blah blah blah but people who cheat don't mess up or slip up, it is just the way they are. You are cheating yourself by trusting a cheater.
The Wife and I were going to experiment with swapping. She talked to a mutual male/couple friend of ours... as of late she was more of his friend than me... next thing I know it is only going to be a 3 way mmf. But I go along and we set up ground rules that I must be present… and be made aware of any conversations of the subject. We do it a couple times... next thing I know she is setting up a play time with him while I am out of town (she didn’t quite delete all of her texts) she say it’s over (been 2 yrs now) but I still don’t trust her… probably never completely will. And now if opportunity would present its self I probably would cheat myself
Active Ink Slinger
my wife cheated on me, then I had a friend of mine start fucking her and we shared her, one fucking her and the other she sucked off, then we switched. loved it couldn't get enough of him fucking her, so I let her fuck others too, as long as she told me about them, maybe not for everyone, but I'm pretty nasty and have been.
Moderator
Quote by DandR4ever
can a couple rekindle after both were caught cheating???
If they both want to reconnect and they're committed to fixing the problems in their relationship, I don't see why it can't work with some effort.
If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true and people really weren't capable of change, then "once a monogamous person, always a monogamous person" should also be true. If a person was faithful at one point, they can be again. (If they want to be.)
Wild at Heart
Quote by Lisa
If they both want to reconnect and they're committed to fixing the problems in their relationship, I don't see why it can't work with some effort.
If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true and people really weren't capable of change, then "once a monogamous person, always a monogamous person" should also be true. If a person was faithful at one point, they can be again. (If they want to be.)
Hmm.. I don't think that is one of the cases where you can try to see the flip side and say it must be true as well. That would mean a cheater is back to being faithful again in the period in between they cheat again. Every friend that I have who is a cheater cheats and cheats again no matter how many times they are caught. You will find cheaters have an incredible superficial charm to them and some people just fall for it. I have been with married women and I'm telling you.. There are these moments where I am observing them and I swear... They could probably be capable of murder if they think they could get away with it.
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Quote by Lisa
If they both want to reconnect and they're committed to fixing the problems in their relationship, I don't see why it can't work with some effort.
If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true and people really weren't capable of change, then "once a monogamous person, always a monogamous person" should also be true. If a person was faithful at one point, they can be again. (If they want to be.)
It doesn't work that way. Once a monogamous person cheats, then by definition, they are no longer monogamous. How many times does a person have to lie to be a liar? Or steal to be a thief? I applaud people who bounce back and work things out after being cheated on, but in my experience and from what I've seen, a lot of "moving on" constitutes sweeping it under the rug. Or doing your best to make like it never happened. But it's always there lingering on the surface.
Being monogamous represents trust, loyalty and commitment. Being a cheater represents the opposite of all of those things. Do you ever fully trust a traitor? Of course not. Everyone's monogamous up until the point they start cheating, after that it's out of the window. So no, after cheating on someone, once monogamous always monogamous doesn't exist. It's a sweet notion, but no.
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Active Ink Slinger
I think everyone is dffierent and how they internalize things. For me, I was always the girl that said "If a guy cheats on me, I am done. Screw him. I am going to toss his shit out." And then it happened. I was married and my husband had an affair. It broke my heart, but to me, marriage is forever. I tried to work it out with him, but both parties have to be willing to do the work to make things right. And you both have to be very honest with each other and more importantly, with yourself about why you cheated and what is going to cause you or prevent you from making the same mistake.
"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
— Gilda Radner
— Gilda Radner
Moderator
Quote by Magical_felix
Hmm.. I don't think that is one of the cases where you can try to see the flip side and say it must be true as well. That would mean a cheater is back to being faithful again in the period in between they cheat again. Every friend that I have who is a cheater cheats and cheats again no matter how many times they are caught. You will find cheaters have an incredible superficial charm to them and some people just fall for it. I have been with married women and I'm telling you.. There are these moments where I am observing them and I swear... They could probably be capable of murder if they think they could get away with it.
That's a bit scary!
I didn't mean it that way exactly. I'm referring more to people who've been faithful to their partner for years and somewhere along the way something changes in their relationship that results in them cheating rather than talking about the problems with their partner. If they're capable of being faithful at one point I believe they're capable of it again.
I get the impression that the people you're referring to see cheating as a thrill. They don't seem suited to relationships in the first place.
Moderator
Quote by slipperywhenwet2012
It doesn't work that way. Once a monogamous person cheats, then by definition, they are no longer monogamous. How many times does a person have to lie to be a liar? Or steal to be a thief? I applaud people who bounce back and work things out after being cheated on, but in my experience and from what I've seen, a lot of "moving on" constitutes sweeping it under the rug. Or doing your best to make like it never happened. But it's always there lingering on the surface.
That's kind of what I'm getting at. My point is that people are capable of change, whether it's in a negative way or a positive way. Just because a person has been monogamous at one point doesn't mean they'll always be monogamous. Just because a person has cheated once doesn't mean they'll cheat in every relationship from then on. People are capable of growth and change. Not always in a good way.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by biteentina
i think if you are caught cheating that is it. go straight to jail dont pass go and dont collect $200
What if you were to get caught cheating biteentina? Or slippery? or MagicalFelix?
You are not capable of change, or a second chance to prove yourselves?
Never throw stones.
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Quote by scooter
What if you were to get caught cheating biteentina? Or slippery? or MagicalFelix?
You are not capable of change, or a second chance to prove yourselves?
Never throw stones.
You can't get caught doing something if you DON'T do it. Duh. I can only speak for myself. And I know for a fact without a doubt that cheating is something I'm not capable of. If something is powerful enough to draw me away from my commitment to the person in my life, then it's time to sever that tie instead of just stringing them along. That's so selfish. What's the point of being in a relationship if you want to be with someone else? There's way more to cheating than the act itself. Cheating requires a conscious decision/effort. You have to plan to do it. How to do it. When to do it. Who to do it with. Where to do it. How to conceal it. If someone can actually think it through, know what's at stake, and then take all of those steps, and STILL be able to go through with it, then no. They aren't capable of change. Because the change of heart would have taken place during the decision process of cheating....BEFORE the act occurred. And when I say someone, I include myself. Would I be capable of change? Sure...for a while. The remorse would kick in..as would the overcompensation for what I've done. But it'll get tiresome, and it's only a matter of time before my eyes would wander again. And the process repeats itself. So would I or anyone else who cheated DESERVE a second chance? Absolutely not. I applaud those who have the ability to extend second, third, or more chances...but I am definitely not strong enough. I've been cheated on once, and once was enough. He didn't deserve a second chance, so he didn't get one...and if the situation were reversed, neither would I.
I speak from experience, so I'll throw all the stones I want.
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Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Quote by Lisa
That's kind of what I'm getting at. My point is that people are capable of change, whether it's in a negative way or a positive way. Just because a person has been monogamous at one point doesn't mean they'll always be monogamous. Just because a person has cheated once doesn't mean they'll cheat in every relationship from then on. People are capable of growth and change. Not always in a good way.
Absolutely. Cheaters can learn a lesson and be prosperous in OTHER relationships. But it takes a drastic lesson for that change to take place. If cheating occurs in a relationship and that person is given a second chance, it's bound to happen again...within that specific relationship. The chances are pretty high for repeat offenses of cheating within a relationship. As with any offense. If you could do the same thing over and over again and virtually get away with it, most people would. Think of it this way: I've been stealing all my life...never got caught. I get caught one time...slap on the wrist, released back into society...back with my same crowd. Getting back into my old habits. I get caught a few more times and the same thing happens each time. Finally I get some serious jail time. I "supposedly" reform after an extended period of time. I have one of two choices after my release. I can learn from it and leave it all behind and move on. Find a new crowd and attempt to become a functioning non-stealing member of society. Or I find my old crowd again. In the beginning I'm all, "Oh no. I've changed. I won't go back. I've learned my lesson." But the temptation is too great. They come up with a fool proof method. I most definitely WILL NOT get caught this time around. I then have a decision to make.
It's the same with cheating. Yes a cheater can reform. But they have to be separated from what they know to reform. It's very rare that a cheater can change his/her ways within the relationship with the person they cheated on. When this person puts their foot down and says, "No. It wasn't OK. You don't get a second chance." And if you meant a lot to them, and they fuck it up, chances are they won't do it again should love find them a second time around.
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Wild at Heart
Quote by scooter
What if you were to get caught cheating biteentina? Or slippery? or MagicalFelix?
You are not capable of change, or a second chance to prove yourselves?
Never throw stones.
I will throw all the stones I want, I will juggle those motherfuckers and toss in some tricks n shit before I throw them too.
I am capable of change. Like quitting smoking or trying to not interrupt people while they are speaking, for example. Normal things.
A cheater... I imagine you, stud, must have cheated before and now you're all good and reformed. Or there might be a lack of women willing to cheat or whatever... or sheep or whatever. I don't want to think about the possibilities....... So now you are reformed.
Cheating.. Getting hard, sexually excited, performing while having in your mind that you are hurting the woman you vowed to love more than life itself... You want to know what that is? Psychopathy. A total disconnect with empathy for other people. There is a reason why adultery is in the Ten Commandments right there with thou shalt not murder and thou shalt not dishonor thy mother and father. It takes a psychopath to do things like that. It really does and guess what.. Psychopathy isn't a trait that can just be changed. The brain is wired that way and no amount of bullshit smooth talk can change that. That is why I say that you are just cheating yourself for whatever reason for trusting a cheater. You are allowing them to use you. A scorpion can't just decide to be a ladybug when caught stinging and vise versa.