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since wife had kids her sex drive has vanished what can I do?
Her Royal Spriteness
masturbate? 
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sprite
masturbate?
The wise one has spoken!!
Active Ink Slinger
This is very common, because her time is taken by the kids now. It's a 24/7 job that never ends. Give her breaks, when you get home from work, you take care of the kids till they go to bed. Do more things to help her around the house. Don't expect her to do it all then be frisky in bed. She's tired and wants rest. Just cause you may work all day, you can't come home, expect her to cook your dinner, take care of the kids, and be ready for sex at bed time. She needs a break from the hectic day to be relaxed and you'll find she will be more willing to have sex when your more help to her.
Been there done that!
Rich
Been there done that!
Rich
Chuckanator
You just named the problem. Many women go through the same thing. It helps to get council. Most men are not intuitive enough to see their wife is just plain tired and bedtime is just a time for rest, not a playground. I suggest you do more to help with the kids and house. Give her a moms night off so she can go out with her sister or girl friends once a week. It is good for both of you because you get to spend more time with the kids. Then take time to talk with her and share her feelings. Eventually have date night. It is difficult for husbands to realize they still need to romance her like they did while dating. Sex will become more than a physical function again. Successful relationships don't just happen. They are hard work.
I've just published chapter seven of Undercovers Detective. I would love your feedback on this story. I'm planning on ten chapters at least. If you haven't read one yet, I've included links. I hope you like them.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/undercovers-detective-chapter-7.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-6.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-5.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/first-time/underdovers-detective-chapter-4.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-3.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-two.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/undercovers-detective-chapter-7.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-6.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-5.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/first-time/underdovers-detective-chapter-4.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/seduction/undercovers-detective-chapter-3.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective-chapter-two.aspx
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/undercovers-detective.aspx
Gravelly-Voiced Fucker
Quote by ChuckEPoo
Successful relationship don't just happen. They are hard work.
Well put, Chuck.
Cheeky Chick
Man, women just suck. I tell you, we lure you men in, we sex you up real good until you put a ring on it or give us a few munchkins then we all like, nah, I'm good. I don't need the D no more, silly rabbit. I got what I need from you. And thus starts a wonderfully boring, no oomph, no spark marriage for the next forever years.
I'm making note to never get married OR have kids. I like sex too much to give it up for a new last name and snot nosed kids.
I joke. Clearly.
Have you tried to talk to her about it? Communication is number one my friend. Sit her down and talk about WHY she has no sex drive. What can YOU do to help her get one back. Do what it takes to help her have that drive.
That's all I have for advice. Use it or lose it buddy.
I'm making note to never get married OR have kids. I like sex too much to give it up for a new last name and snot nosed kids.
I joke. Clearly.
Have you tried to talk to her about it? Communication is number one my friend. Sit her down and talk about WHY she has no sex drive. What can YOU do to help her get one back. Do what it takes to help her have that drive.
That's all I have for advice. Use it or lose it buddy.
Active Ink Slinger
Ship the kids off to the grandparents then start by giving her a full body massage......
Bunny12
Bunny Rabbits cute and fuzzy they want to love you but they have razor sharp teeth - don't piss them off!
Bunny Rabbits cute and fuzzy they want to love you but they have razor sharp teeth - don't piss them off!
Mazztastic
There are some great suggestions above, but I'd like to add my two cents as well...
In addition to the extra work and responsibility that kids can bring, your attention and focus shifts to that and often times, sex just can't be as important as it was before. Your head is just full, too full, of all the other stuff you have to deal with now - helping out and being understanding is a good way of being supportive.
But also bear in mind that giving birth has physical effects on the female body. Women are much more likely to feel less sexy - that could be because of extra baby weight, flab, stretch marks or scars, breastfeeding or maybe having had their vajayjay completely stretched out of shape, torn, cut, stitched etc etc - sorry, but that's just a fact and sometimes you just don't feel as pretty, or as pretty down there...
Sometimes there are huge feelings of disappointment and failure from giving birth - it may seem silly but honestly, if it doesn't all go as planned (and that may be something as simple as needing an assisted birth, with forceps or venteuse deliveries, or not being able to breastfeed or whatever) it can cause real mental blocks to libido. The tricky thing is that you (the woman) might not even be aware of this until months or even years after the fact.
Encouraging your partner to hang out with other women who are in the same position, with kids of about the same age, is very very helpful (mother and toddler groups, breastfeeding support groups etc). Women tend not to want to go on and on about their birth or stuff that follows, for fear of boring friends and family, but their peers will be going through the same sort of things, and talking about it is a good way of raising self awareness about how they feel, normalising what they're feeling and generally making them feel better.
Many women benefit from counselling after childbirth (usually a year or so down the line), but if you suggest that (simply because of a lack of sex) then you're probably not going to get a great reception. Spending time with other women will encourage them to talk and get there faster and realise if they actually have issues or problems around it.
Do help her out. Make her feel pretty and wanted, more than just a wife and mum - it's easy to lose your identity after having kids and it can take a while to find yourself again. The idea of dating and courting her is a good one. Make sure that she gets some time to herself too. And remember, it can be really tiring looking after kids and home, and maybe even juggling a job in there too - she'll likely need extra time to rest and recover, put her feet up for a wee while.
Make time for her, listen to her and encourage her to talk. Becoming a mum is a huge life change in just about every way you can imagine. It's easy to get lost, forget that you're still a woman (if that makes sense). Help her adjust and I'm sure she'll come around. But seriously, getting her talking to other women and you is pretty much the best thing of all to get back to normality. Patience
In addition to the extra work and responsibility that kids can bring, your attention and focus shifts to that and often times, sex just can't be as important as it was before. Your head is just full, too full, of all the other stuff you have to deal with now - helping out and being understanding is a good way of being supportive.
But also bear in mind that giving birth has physical effects on the female body. Women are much more likely to feel less sexy - that could be because of extra baby weight, flab, stretch marks or scars, breastfeeding or maybe having had their vajayjay completely stretched out of shape, torn, cut, stitched etc etc - sorry, but that's just a fact and sometimes you just don't feel as pretty, or as pretty down there...
Sometimes there are huge feelings of disappointment and failure from giving birth - it may seem silly but honestly, if it doesn't all go as planned (and that may be something as simple as needing an assisted birth, with forceps or venteuse deliveries, or not being able to breastfeed or whatever) it can cause real mental blocks to libido. The tricky thing is that you (the woman) might not even be aware of this until months or even years after the fact.
Encouraging your partner to hang out with other women who are in the same position, with kids of about the same age, is very very helpful (mother and toddler groups, breastfeeding support groups etc). Women tend not to want to go on and on about their birth or stuff that follows, for fear of boring friends and family, but their peers will be going through the same sort of things, and talking about it is a good way of raising self awareness about how they feel, normalising what they're feeling and generally making them feel better.
Many women benefit from counselling after childbirth (usually a year or so down the line), but if you suggest that (simply because of a lack of sex) then you're probably not going to get a great reception. Spending time with other women will encourage them to talk and get there faster and realise if they actually have issues or problems around it.
Do help her out. Make her feel pretty and wanted, more than just a wife and mum - it's easy to lose your identity after having kids and it can take a while to find yourself again. The idea of dating and courting her is a good one. Make sure that she gets some time to herself too. And remember, it can be really tiring looking after kids and home, and maybe even juggling a job in there too - she'll likely need extra time to rest and recover, put her feet up for a wee while.
Make time for her, listen to her and encourage her to talk. Becoming a mum is a huge life change in just about every way you can imagine. It's easy to get lost, forget that you're still a woman (if that makes sense). Help her adjust and I'm sure she'll come around. But seriously, getting her talking to other women and you is pretty much the best thing of all to get back to normality. Patience
Convict
Have you tried talking to her about it to find out what she thinks the cause might be? It wouldn't hurt if she went to a GP and had a full checkup with a blood test. Sometimes it's her own hormones causing all/some of these things. Like Maz said, counseling can sometimes help, but it's important to keep an eye out for post natal depression as well. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe she is just tired. Obviously doesn't happen to everyone, but can sometimes kick in a year or later down the track.
My new Flash Fiction:
An Extraordinary Orgasm.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/flash-erotica/an-extraordinary-orgasm-2
Active Ink Slinger
Well, Dude ... Here's what no one's telling you. The truth. You are pretty much hosed. Her number 1 priority in life is no longer you. It's the kids. You've done your part and now your role is to provide an income to support them.
I suggest lots of warm showers with heavy deposits of soap in some places.
I suggest lots of warm showers with heavy deposits of soap in some places.
Top Shot
I know that when I was breastfeeding my youngest son, with my middle son barely two years old, I would find myself "touched out" by the end of the day--I would get to the point where I didn't want anyone to touch me, especially not my husband. Sex seemed like just one more chore, not something to be enjoyed. I felt like my body wasn't really mine, a feeling that is very difficult to describe, but I remember feeling frustrated and angry, not at anyone in particular except for myself. Society expects so much of mothers, and living up to those expectations can leave a person feeling incredibly inadequate.
As for postpartum depression, I suffered from that after the birth of my middle son. The thing with depression is, when you're the one depressed, you don't realise that anything is wrong. Sure, I shuffled through the day, took good care of my oldest son and the baby, and for all appearances seemed to be doing fine--it was only in private that I would break down over silly things, like towels being folded the "wrong" way. Even my husband, when I told him that I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist, blew it off, saying that I was fine--after all, the house was kept up, the children were doing well, everything was coming up roses, from his perspective. I was fortunate enough to still have enough of "me" left to know something was seriously amiss, and found a wonderful psychiatrist on my own, but I know many women are not able to do this.
Try reaching out to her, taking the children out for a few hours, giving her time to be herself--pay for a spa day, something to make her feel like her old self again. Don't do this with the expectation of sex, do this because it's the right thing to do for the woman you love. Encourage her to go out with friends, encourage her to exercise, and if you suspect that she may be suffering from postpartum depression (bearing in mind that this particular form of depression can kick in well after the birth of the baby), find a psychiatrist for her and make it clear to her that it's not that you think anything is wrong with her, just that you want her to be able to talk about her feelings in a private setting.
As for postpartum depression, I suffered from that after the birth of my middle son. The thing with depression is, when you're the one depressed, you don't realise that anything is wrong. Sure, I shuffled through the day, took good care of my oldest son and the baby, and for all appearances seemed to be doing fine--it was only in private that I would break down over silly things, like towels being folded the "wrong" way. Even my husband, when I told him that I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist, blew it off, saying that I was fine--after all, the house was kept up, the children were doing well, everything was coming up roses, from his perspective. I was fortunate enough to still have enough of "me" left to know something was seriously amiss, and found a wonderful psychiatrist on my own, but I know many women are not able to do this.
Try reaching out to her, taking the children out for a few hours, giving her time to be herself--pay for a spa day, something to make her feel like her old self again. Don't do this with the expectation of sex, do this because it's the right thing to do for the woman you love. Encourage her to go out with friends, encourage her to exercise, and if you suspect that she may be suffering from postpartum depression (bearing in mind that this particular form of depression can kick in well after the birth of the baby), find a psychiatrist for her and make it clear to her that it's not that you think anything is wrong with her, just that you want her to be able to talk about her feelings in a private setting.
Want to spend some time wallowing in a Recommended Read? Pick one! Or two! Or seven!
Active Ink Slinger
It's worth noting that the above scenario (and most of the previous posts as well) has completely interchangeable gender roles. Depression and burnout hits both sexes, and in most cases the solution is the same.
Some guys, especially those with vaginas for brains, find that once they have kids, they put in a full day at work, then come home, help their wife cook dinner, clean up and do other chores, get the kids ready for bed, and then just want to unwind for awhile before bed. Those who are in heavy careers will have pressure to put in some work before bed as well, and if they're not willing to sacrifice time with their kids, the wife has to suffer.
The fix for it? Try and share the "down time" that you do have, and share the load not only of child care, but other chores and work as well. If you both have jobs, you both should be putting in time in the evening doing household stuff. If one of you works and the other stays home, the day should be devoted to chores so that your evenings can be more free.
Talk to the one who doesn't want sex and see why. Until you understand the why you'll never "fix" the problem, and even once you do, there may not be a way to return to what was normal before. People do change.
Some guys, especially those with vaginas for brains, find that once they have kids, they put in a full day at work, then come home, help their wife cook dinner, clean up and do other chores, get the kids ready for bed, and then just want to unwind for awhile before bed. Those who are in heavy careers will have pressure to put in some work before bed as well, and if they're not willing to sacrifice time with their kids, the wife has to suffer.
The fix for it? Try and share the "down time" that you do have, and share the load not only of child care, but other chores and work as well. If you both have jobs, you both should be putting in time in the evening doing household stuff. If one of you works and the other stays home, the day should be devoted to chores so that your evenings can be more free.
Talk to the one who doesn't want sex and see why. Until you understand the why you'll never "fix" the problem, and even once you do, there may not be a way to return to what was normal before. People do change.
Active Ink Slinger
Okay, first of all, her body just went through almost an entire year of hellish hormonal and physical changes. Then, at the end of it all, she gave birth. Her body is physically exhausted, drained of nutrients and energy. She is recovering from having a human being ripped from her tender bits. Her entire pelvis was just pushed and shoved and bent out of whack making room for the baby to pass through, and now she is incredibly sore, to the point where walking, sitting and doing just about everything hurts. It's going to take several months for her body to recover, and that is if the birth was without complications or what doctors like to call "easy". It takes longer to recover if there were complications.
The last thing she wants is you shoving your dick in there and possibly getting her pregnant, to go through it all over again.
This is all emotionally and physically taxing, and you can't even begin to comprehend the magnitude of it. Now she has a brand new newborn to feed and care for at all hours of the day and night, depending on her to keep it alive, and happy. She barely has time to shower or eat a proper meal, much less perform on demand at night. What she needs most is SLEEP, not sex. So, sex is the last thing on her mind, especially since her hormones are trying to readjust to everything her body just went through, and her body is trying to heal itself from the most traumatic thing she will ever experience.
Realize that you physical needs pale in comparison to her need for sleep, and your brand new babies needs for food and care.
Help her get the child to sleep through the night in his or her own room, and your sex life will improve. Her hormones will adjust in time, and her sex drive will come back. Until then, suck it up and be the best dad and husband you can be.
The last thing she wants is you shoving your dick in there and possibly getting her pregnant, to go through it all over again.
This is all emotionally and physically taxing, and you can't even begin to comprehend the magnitude of it. Now she has a brand new newborn to feed and care for at all hours of the day and night, depending on her to keep it alive, and happy. She barely has time to shower or eat a proper meal, much less perform on demand at night. What she needs most is SLEEP, not sex. So, sex is the last thing on her mind, especially since her hormones are trying to readjust to everything her body just went through, and her body is trying to heal itself from the most traumatic thing she will ever experience.
Realize that you physical needs pale in comparison to her need for sleep, and your brand new babies needs for food and care.
Help her get the child to sleep through the night in his or her own room, and your sex life will improve. Her hormones will adjust in time, and her sex drive will come back. Until then, suck it up and be the best dad and husband you can be.
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Active Ink Slinger
Lotta good advice and perspective. Jeffery says you are just hosed, and if sex is all you want the wife for, I agree. But I have two great kids and they are worth giving up some sex.
My advice: Love her, listen to her, help her, and love and be involved with your kids.
And if you are still not getting enough sex, let her sleep in on Sundays (make sure she can) and when she is waking up, crawl in bed with her, hold her talk to her, then lick her pussy until she makes you stop.
My advice: Love her, listen to her, help her, and love and be involved with your kids.
And if you are still not getting enough sex, let her sleep in on Sundays (make sure she can) and when she is waking up, crawl in bed with her, hold her talk to her, then lick her pussy until she makes you stop.
I wanted sex even more after having kids.
For the first fime in my life I loved MY body!
But a lot of women do not...they don't realize they are goddesses now
But you add work..house..zero sleep...and wham..they feel overwhelmed
Unless u do all the laundry cooking cleaning grocery shopping carpool gift buying ...dishes garbage yard work...
Step in...do a chore...without her asking
You guys have no idea what an unsolicited vacuuming will get YOU!!
If you do a lot of chores..ask the inlaws to take the kids for a night
Book a hotel...rub her feet run her a bath..give her a drink
If still no sex talk to her
Ask her why...ask her what u can do for her..to make her want to have sex again
Bet she has a few things she would love for you to do
For her to love to do YOU again
For the first fime in my life I loved MY body!
But a lot of women do not...they don't realize they are goddesses now
But you add work..house..zero sleep...and wham..they feel overwhelmed
Unless u do all the laundry cooking cleaning grocery shopping carpool gift buying ...dishes garbage yard work...
Step in...do a chore...without her asking
You guys have no idea what an unsolicited vacuuming will get YOU!!
If you do a lot of chores..ask the inlaws to take the kids for a night
Book a hotel...rub her feet run her a bath..give her a drink
If still no sex talk to her
Ask her why...ask her what u can do for her..to make her want to have sex again
Bet she has a few things she would love for you to do
For her to love to do YOU again
Active Ink Slinger
How about a change in attitude.
1st thing ---- she didn't have kids ---- you both had kids!
1st thing ---- she didn't have kids ---- you both had kids!
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Eodman
How about a change in attitude.
1st thing ---- she didn't have kids ---- you both had kids!
Lot of truth to that! I had the same issues and I blame myself. We had kids her life changed, I kept on rolling doing my thing. Once I got a clue as to what she was dealing with and became a part of it and helped out and got involved the rest came back 110%.
Active Ink Slinger
Help with the kids whenever possible. Get a babysitter, set up a date night once a week or more...just you and her, somewhere nice...or romantic at home IF- you do all the prep, cooking and clean up.
Active Ink Slinger
Point taken. Good advice/s^
Oh goodness, one of the reason why I chose to be free. Men start to complain. Men start to find a new adventure with someone else. Men start to have flings. and so forth and then it becomes tiring. Hmmm
I think it doesn't vanished, it just have to be replenished or re-polished, yeah just like shoes. You wore them once, you wore them again Simple logic. You clean them and make them look new. You can figure it out since you already make her want you before. I am pretty sure with that even if you have kids.
Oh goodness, one of the reason why I chose to be free. Men start to complain. Men start to find a new adventure with someone else. Men start to have flings. and so forth and then it becomes tiring. Hmmm
I think it doesn't vanished, it just have to be replenished or re-polished, yeah just like shoes. You wore them once, you wore them again
Simple logic. You clean them and make them look new. You can figure it out since you already make her want you before. I am pretty sure with that even if you have kids. I could show you INCREDIBLE things...