Who said anything about passive agressive? I realize that in society i'm the asshole. I'm not proud of my own behavior. And never did I call my spouse evil. She is a good person and she loves our children. But I also know that she is extremely competitive and sees teh kids as her's... almost like a possession. Like I said earlier, until a person has been in a situation it's hard to know what he/she would do. In theory all you say is right, in practicality most of that goes out the window.
edit.. and i've never been accused of being smart. lol
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates There are sometimes just too many emotions involved for two people to work things out on a co=parenting roommate theme. The concept of staying in a marriage for the children may seem outdated, but it is still alive and well.
When we discuss bad marriage in this context, I'm not referring to the kind of marriage where both spouses are having knock down/drag out fights all day everyday. A bad marriage where two people have grown apart doesn't mean that both are living a totally miserable existence. Many marriages are beyond repair but are still able to run like a fine oiled machine.
Sometimes one spouse is unwilling to go to counseling. Also, just because a couple goes to counseling doesn't mean that anything will change. Old habits die hard. And I know PLENTY of happy people who came from unhappy parents. That is a very broad generalization.
Again, it's not about being martyrs. In the 50's divorce was rare. Why? Because women chose to stay in marriage to assholes rather than lose everything. They were usually housewives and had little recourse and the courts were often skewed in the favor of the husbands. So, many wives dealt with it to stay with their kids. All I'm saying is that any divorce should be viewed upon equally and fairly without any preconceived notions. I know I have no chance of getting custody if I get divorced. And yes, I'd suffer a lifetime of misery if it meant I could stay with my kids and raise them to be good people.
And I've seen many non-amicable divorces that had nothing to do with cheating. One or both party sees divorce as a way to punish the other for whatever slight was perceived.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates I guess this is the part that I struggle with. Me leaving the marriage for whatever reason is like me saying that my kids are better off without me in their lives on a daily basis. I cannot agree to that. For me to say that me leaving would make their development better is just not something that works in my head. It is illogical to me. I try to be open minded about most issues. Being told my kids are better off seeing me 4 days a month is a bitter pill.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates You should be with your kids! That time that they are kids they need you to teach them to be a woman and man. I think we think about ourself so much, and think that if we do what is expediant that it is somehow best? No what is best is to be a parent to your kids. They will thank you by knowing the world as you teach it to them.
I would have to say that it depends on the situation.
I've been married 35+ years. My wife and I had sex an average of three times per day the first three years of our marriage. We started swinging in the late seventies and that actually increased to four or five times a day (with each other!).
The frequency gradually decreased when we stopped swinging (1988) to once a week by our twentieth anniversary (she was afraid of AIDS, had migraines, etc.). The last five years, it's been something like once every six to eight weeks. After having a hysterectomy and going through menopause, she just isn't interested any more.
I've consider going outside, but haven't yet.
So this is in response to the whole unhappy marriage creating happy kids...
Ok, I'm taking this from my inlaws. None of the sisters sleep with their husbands. One of them has kids at the age of 5 and 7, and the other has 11 and 12. The older kids think nothing of it, as far as I'm concerned they could care less. The younger kids? I'm not really sure. We had this conversation at dinner one time, cuz the brother's wife was asking us about birth control. They all said they have sex maybe once a month & she thought it was pretty sad. I know the sisters stay with their husbands for the kids. They want their children to have their father in their lives. Its a lot easier than going through a divorce and making arrangements for the dads to see their kids. Why not just stay together in the marriage, sleep in separate rooms and put up with each other? That's pretty much what I had done. Baby's daddy and I slept in separate rooms from the day the baby was born, we rarely had sex, rarely spent time together, and we argued everytime we talked. then, we just got fed up with each other and stopped talking when we didn't have to. in the end, the only reason why i left was because he got fed up with me over something stupid and kicked me out...
and whether its ok to cheat or not, everyone has their own opinions... i think its harder when kids are involved. sure kids do pick up on the negativity in a relationship, but if both parents love their kids, that's really what matters. i see my niece and nephew growing up beautifully and their parents rarely talk to each other. Both my niece and nephew are well wise beyond their years...
idk just my two cents, sorry if it didn't make sense i'm running on 3 hours of sleep and a sinus headache.
well if u love him/her then u cant cheat but if not then better to leave
I was in a sexless marriage for the last 5 years of it. I never cheated because it was something I didnt believe in and divorce wasnt an option at the time. I see a lot of people have said the you should never cheat and should just split up, but that is easier to say than actually do sometimes. My confidence and self esteem were at all time lows and I also had 3 kids to worry about. If the same thing was to happen today, I might cheat, I dont know. It is a very hard thing to say if you are not in the situation. And I truly feel for anyone who is in that type of marriage.
I say that it is still not okay to cheat. First try everything you can to rekindle your sex life, then and only then would I not judge you harshly. If nothing works, I would discuss making your marriage into an open relationship, so that both of you can get sex elsewhere. Once an open relationship is established, certainly go for it. I can't imagine being married to a person for the rest of my life and not have sex with them...I mean shit...it is about time for divorce then!
I do not believe that cheating is right in any circumstance. A marriage is should not be based on sex alone, although it is a very important part. The couple should seek counseling to try or some other type of therapy or see a doctor if a medical condition is present. If the member does not want to do either, and sex is a must for the other, find a good lawyer.
Cheating, says more about you, than it does about the marriage. There can be a lot of collateral damage. It's not worth it.
Under absalootly no cirumstances. Having lived with a father who cheated on my mother left right and centre growing up ive seen the damage. If the marriage isn't working, take time apart, move out, maybe locally if theres kids involved, but don't give someone a false sense of hope and then cheat, because quite often the reason the two people are still together is because one wants to move on and the other doesn't.
Cheating = HELL NO. If you're married. You made a commitment. If you truly love the person you married, you wouldnt even consider getting sex elsewhere. Maybe there has been a period of time with no sex. So what. Marriage and life isn't 100% about sex. use other methods and talk to your other. Don't just jump to conclusions. You could be wrong. DO NOT CHEAT!!!!
Love Always,
Country Cutie
I think this entire discussion is asking the wrong question. The question should be, "What constitutes cheating?" and as a follow up, "Is cheating ever justifiable?" My answer to the latter is not only no, but Hell no. My answer to the first is, anything that hs to be hidden from your partner is cheating.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
