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Is cybersex cheating?

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Porgy87
Senior Analyst
SETUP: There's another thread here that asks about oral sex and whether it's cheating or not. IMHO, it's physical contact that gives sexual satisfaction, so it qualifies as "sex", and if either party is in a relationship that doesn't condone it, it's cheating. I'm a prude; sue me. Anyway, I've been there, done that. I don't pretend it wasn't cheating, and I'm not especially proud of it.

QUESTION: If I'm having a rich sexual fantasy in writing with someone, and I keep that from my partner, am I cheating? There's no physical sex; there's no interest from either side in meeting IRL; each of us is wearing a persona that may be 99% real, or 1% real (including a misrepresentation of gender). Am I cheating?
SereneProdigy
Cryptic Vigilante
The question regarding 'what is considered cheating' has been asked many times before, and the consensus (which I fully agree with) is usually that if you perform something that your partner wouldn't approve or that you'd need to hide from him/her, that is considered cheating.

Every couple has its own unique set of rules regarding what they perceive as 'cheating'. Some are comfortable with cybersex, some are not; some are totally okay with same-sex sexual activities, some are not. Essentially, if you're not playing by the predetermined 'rules', that's considered 'cheating'.

On more general terms though, couples are usually pretty similar concerning what they perceive as 'cheating'. The purpose of a 'couple' is usually to offer/receive some form of exclusivity with your partner; that's often expressed through physical intimacy, but also emotional intimacy.

The boundaries concerning physical intimacy are generally pretty obvious, but it can be a little more confusing regarding emotional intimacy. What if your partner shares a great passion with someone else, more than with yourself (eg. photography, music, traveling, etc.)? What if he/she is more entertained with another person than he/she is with you? What if he/she relies on others to resolve his/her inner conflicts?

Again, each couple will be different regarding what they are comfortable with...

Concerning if I'd perceive cybersex as cheating myself, I guess it would be a big 'it depends' for me; I'm not currently in a serious relationship, so it would be a little hard to imagine my reaction if my partner was doing it. If it was just 'getting off to words' with a perfect stranger every once in a while when I'm not around (with my consent though) because she enjoys masturbating that way, I don't think it would affect me all that much, to be fully honest. I wouldn't do it myself because that's not my thing (I don't do it even as a single), but if I did I'd make sure that my partner would be aware and comfortable with it.
Guest
Lurker
In my opinion, I consider cyber sex cheating. It's opening yourself up to someone else in ways that you should only do for your partner.
AltaBrwnSgr
Brown Sugar
Quote by Porgy87
SETUP: There's another thread here that asks about oral sex and whether it's cheating or not. IMHO, it's physical contact that gives sexual satisfaction, so it qualifies as "sex", and if either party is in a relationship that doesn't condone it, it's cheating. I'm a prude; sue me. Anyway, I've been there, done that. I don't pretend it wasn't cheating, and I'm not especially proud of it.

QUESTION: If I'm having a rich sexual fantasy in writing with someone, and I keep that from my partner, am I cheating? There's no physical sex; there's no interest from either side in meeting IRL; each of us is wearing a persona that may be 99% real, or 1% real (including a misrepresentation of gender). Am I cheating?


Two people in a relationship, marriage, or partnership determine relationship boundaries. Some people have open relationships while other people remain loyal to each other in body, mind, and spirit. Only you and your wife know whether your activities constitute cheating.

Porgy, ask yourself a few questions:

Do you have an emotional attachment to your cybersex partner?
I consider an emotional attachment outside of a relationship cheating, but that’s my opinion. Do you and your wife consider that cheating?

Could you walk away from the cyber activities without missing or yearning for the past interactions? Difficulty walking away or longing for the contact may suggest an inappropriate relationship.

The refusal or inability to share your activities with your wife is deceptive. She may consider it cheating – I don’t know. Only you and your wife can answer these issues.


EDIT: Porgy, switch places with your wife. If she were doing what you're doing without your knowledge, would she be cheating?
SirDominic
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Possibly


Two people in a relationship, marriage, or partnership determine relationship boundaries. Some people have open relationships while other people remain loyal to each other in body, mind, and spirit. Only you and your wife know whether your activities constitute cheating.

Porgy, ask yourself a few questions:

Do you have an emotional attachment to your cybersex partner?
I consider an emotional attachment outside of a relationship cheating, but that’s my opinion. Do you and your wife consider that cheating?

Could you walk away from the cyber activities without missing or yearning for the past interactions? Difficulty walking away or longing for the contact may suggest an inappropriate relationship.

The refusal or inability to share your activities with your wife is deceptive. She may consider it cheating – I don’t know. Only you and your wife can answer these issues.


EDIT: Porgy, switch places with your wife. If she were doing what you're doing without your knowledge, would she be cheating?


Damnn good answer.
Someone has to be the Villain
Porgy87
Senior Analyst
Quote by SirDominic


Damnn good answer.

I agree, and I told her so privately.
Guest
Lurker
It depends on what is okay between you and your partner, there is no universal truth here.

The more anonymous, limited, and impersonal it is, the less it is like cheating. The more personal it is, the more frequent it is with a certain partner, and the more intimate it is, the more it is like cheating.

You could cheat by being in an online intimate relationship that has zero cybersex.

If someone logged on and had a one time anonymous cybersex encounter that does not sound like cheating with me unless they knew or believed it was not okay with their partner. If someone is having ongoing, intimate online sexytimes with someone, that sounds like cheating to me unless they know it is okay with their partner.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Porgy87
SETUP: There's another thread here that asks about oral sex and whether it's cheating or not. IMHO, it's physical contact that gives sexual satisfaction, so it qualifies as "sex", and if either party is in a relationship that doesn't condone it, it's cheating. I'm a prude; sue me. Anyway, I've been there, done that. I don't pretend it wasn't cheating, and I'm not especially proud of it.

QUESTION: If I'm having a rich sexual fantasy in writing with someone, and I keep that from my partner, am I cheating? There's no physical sex; there's no interest from either side in meeting IRL; each of us is wearing a persona that may be 99% real, or 1% real (including a misrepresentation of gender). Am I cheating?


Yes, cybersex is cheating. If you indulge in any devotion or sexual attention(let alone sexual interaction) toward others outside of your marriage/relationship without the consent and awareness of your companion, you are, without doubt, cheating. I'm not judging you on this, so please don't take offense. It's impossible not to be aware of other people who are attractive and arousing and not desire them, but having any kind of hidden, proactive intimate relationship outside of your primary one that has any kind of sexual consciousness or attraction is infidelity.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Bran1812


Yes, cybersex is cheating. If you indulge in any devotion or sexual attention(let alone sexual interaction) toward others outside of your marriage/relationship without the consent and awareness of your companion, you are, without doubt, cheating. I'm not judging you on this, so please don't take offense. It's impossible not to be aware of other people who are attractive and arousing and not desire them, but having any kind of hidden, proactive intimate relationship outside of your primary one that has any kind of sexual consciousness or attraction is infidelity.



I concur
Guest
Lurker
been though this so many times.. felt i am cheating.. bu again if he can't be there for u .. im ok with the cheating
oshkrozz
Advanced Wordsmith
Anything you hide from your partner is "cheating" in some way or another. That can be going out with the guys when you said you were at work, that can be having a friend that you share a close intimate bond with (not sex) that you hide from your partner (or your partner explicitly said they are not comfertable with the relationship). It can be actual sex ...

You also need to ask yourself if your partner engaged in the same activity would you be ok with it? How would you feel to find out?

Is it cheating as in having sex with a person ... this is more partner specific, fundamentally it is different you never had actual contact ... but ... the potential is there to try and take it to the next level so from someones perspective it is the same as making out leading up to actual sex therefore you are a serious cheater.
Others will view it as really bad but accept that you never had any intentions to meet and let it slide .. this time
Others will be like eh whatever floats your boat ... your sleeping on the couch tonight ... and I am taking your computer (like when they caught you going out to happy hour when you "stayed late" at work)
lastly others will be like ... uh next time I want you to do that while I am on your lap ...
Mysteria27
Prolific Writer
I believe it is not cheating. Cheating is when you physically cheat.

My husband is at his job all day long. I don't know what he does on the internet. Nor do I care.

I don't feel like it is a sin. I may be the only person here who thinks that but I really just don't believe it is cheating.

I guess you just do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Its your business. In my honest opinion.

xo
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Bran1812


Yes, cybersex is cheating. If you indulge in any devotion or sexual attention(let alone sexual interaction) toward others outside of your marriage/relationship without the consent and awareness of your companion, you are, without doubt, cheating. I'm not judging you on this, so please don't take offense. It's impossible not to be aware of other people who are attractive and arousing and not desire them, but having any kind of hidden, proactive intimate relationship outside of your primary one that has any kind of sexual consciousness or attraction is infidelity.


Very nicely stated. I happen to agree with you.
Leiza350
Active Ink Slinger
Jas it ist cheating.....lol... thats why i love doing it.....if you are on this site....in chat....und havent talked about sex in chat roum....hahaha then you lie...
Unknown User
Call it 'choating' if you want. You can't call it an affair, but if the other partner finds out, they are gonna see it as cheating.
AudriNichols
Active Ink Slinger
You stated: I'm having a rich sexual fantasy in writing with someone, and I keep that from my partner. This says it all.

Any time you are giving of yourself in any sexual way, physically, mentally, emotionally, to anyone other than your partner you are cheating. Instead of sharing this rich sexual fantasy life with your partner, you are giving it to someone else. The fact that you are keeping secrets from your partner indicates you know you are doing something you shouldn't be, and feel the need to hide it from them. There should be no secrets between an intimate couple.

If you want to know if you are really cheating or not, tell your partner what you have been up to, and ask them if they feel cheated on. The opinions of strangers doesn't matter. What matters is how your actions make your partner feel.
B_B
Active Ink Slinger
The fact that you haven't been honest with your partner to me makes it cheating. Intimacy with anyone not your partner or their knowledge is cheating... it may sound trite but its true do as you would have done to you. Put yourself in your partners shoes.. how would you feel if you found out they were sharing intimacys with someone that wasn't you without your knowledge?? If you have to lie, sneak, or hide it you already have your answer... why not try sitting your partner down and telling them what your doing? Or what you want/need and why.. it may still hurt them but it could open lines of communication and put you and your partner on a whole new level. Who knows if you feelthis need maybe they have unmet needs too...could make everything even better all around..
MrsDikDango
Active Ink Slinger
My OH and I are going through a terrible time just now because I found out he had a secret twitter account that was just mainly used for dirty pictures and perving/talking to other women. I then found him on here too and was terribly hurt by what I seen. He deleted his account and all messages before I could see them. I know by his browser history that he was messaging people on here and also having private chat sessions with a member called windywillows... Who has also deleted her account!! She doesn't seem to have had any posts and all that Google throws up is that DikDango (my OH) was her friend and posted on her wall. If anyone knows anything about DikDango then please message me because I need to know the truth. Its a complete betrayal whether cyber or not sad
loverman69
Active Ink Slinger
My wife and I lived together for over a year before getting married. That was 39 years ago. She had to move back to her folk's home for a while that first year, and she told me then that she knew I had needs and she told me to feel free to be with other women while she was gone. We married a year later and not long after our last child was born she no longer wanted sex. That was in 1980 so we haven't had any sex since 1981. I have used porn, sex mags, sex books and porn shops over the years to get my release.

As I've gotten older my erections have diminished, but not my desire, and I have fantasized of doing male/male sex to get my pleasure. I also bought a dildo and vibrating dildo and a buttplug to self-pleasure myself. I have also made friends with a number of like minded males here and hope to be able to meet and have some fun with them going forward. And some of the females for some different types of anal pussy play and other kinky things together.

Is it cheating? Yeah, I guess so, but being able to be on Lush and actually interact with people and maybe meet and have sex again with another person and share intimate contact when your partner will not - is that still a binding partnership totally?

Tell me. I think I deserve some pleasure and feel that I am honoring my commitment to love and cherish but, as to sex that was not broken by me but by her, so I have been released to find my partners of pleasures now. Also accepting requests - if interested - leave a message- Chelsea, Alabama - USA.
A determined person with perseverance can overcome many obstacles. They can, many times, perform better than those who are more intelligent, stronger and with better finances by determination and perseverance
dpw
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by loverman69
My wife and I lived together for over a year before getting married. That was 39 years ago. She had to move back to her folk's home for a while that first year, and she told me then that she knew I had needs and she told me to feel free to be with other women while she was gone. We married a year later and not long after our last child was born she no longer wanted sex. That was in 1980 so we haven't had any sex since 1981. I have used porn, sex mags, sex books and porn shops over the years to get my release.

As I've gotten older my erections have diminished, but not my desire, and I have fantasized of doing male/male sex to get my pleasure. I also bought a dildo and vibrating dildo and a buttplug to self-pleasure myself. I have also made friends with a number of like minded males here and hope to be able to meet and have some fun with them going forward. And some of the females for some different types of anal pussy play and other kinky things together.

Is it cheating? Yeah, I guess so, but being able to be on Lush and actually interact with people and maybe meet and have sex again with another person and share intimate contact when your partner will not - is that still a binding partnership totally?

Tell me. I think I deserve some pleasure and feel that I am honoring my commitment to love and cherish but, as to sex that was not broken by me but by her, so I have been released to find my partners of pleasures now. Also accepting requests - if interested - leave a message- Chelsea, Alabama - USA.

Okay, well I think you have been self sacrificing enough over the last 30+ years. I know that I could not have done that. You have been more than honourable, staying in a sexless marriage and bringing up children.
Well it's your time now to have the fun you've missed out on.
honeydipped
The Bee's Knees
this is SUCH a HARD question to answer! in my honest opinion, anything that you feel the need to hide from your partner IS cheating. i'm assuming that your partner has no idea about this, cos you wouldn't need our opinion if they did. then again, this could be purely asked out of curiosity. either way there's my

Say. Her. Name.
Unknown User
If its a secret..its cheating...if not then it is not

You can rationalize anyway you want

If you are on lush and not sexting or having an affair..THAT is not cheating

Some partners are not comfortable with erotica

But to masturbate with another online is having pleasure with another

And believe me they will be beyond hurt and they will consider it cheating

But you know that...we all do

We just want our cake..don't we

And maybe she won't find out....maybe
Guest
Lurker
No, no it is not
HeraTeleia
Top Shot
Quote by Porgy87
QUESTION: If I'm having a rich sexual fantasy in writing with someone, and I keep that from my partner, am I cheating? There's no physical sex; there's no interest from either side in meeting IRL; each of us is wearing a persona that may be 99% real, or 1% real (including a misrepresentation of gender). Am I cheating?


I tend to think so. Would your wife/partner feel good knowing that you were being aroused in real time by another woman? I think not. So yes, I think what you are doing is cheating. Terribly sorry, but that's my honest feeling on the subject.
Want to spend some time wallowing in a Recommended Read? Pick one! Or two! Or seven!
Porgy87
Senior Analyst
Quote by HeraTeleia


I tend to think so. Would your wife/partner feel good knowing that you were being aroused in real time by another woman? I think not. So yes, I think what you are doing is cheating. Terribly sorry, but that's my honest feeling on the subject.


No need to be sorry about expressing your opinion. Thanks for sharing it.
Unknown User
Can I just add this

I know people think I am a prude but I am so rigid on the subject because of this

Six years ago I was married..unhappy with my sex life..my husband didn't want sex with me

So I started cybering

It led to phone sex

Then I actually met him

My husband AND kids found out

My husband contacted him

He dumped me I started to drink then tried to kill myself

My life imploded

I should have left before I cheated

Or accepted my marriage for what it was

There is no judgement in what anyone does

But if I could change ANYTHING in my life...cybering at that moment..I would

I understand the NEED

But the cost..oh the cost could be everything u love
JasmineSmith
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by SereneProdigy
The question regarding 'what is considered cheating' has been asked many times before, and the consensus (which I fully agree with) is usually that if you perform something that your partner wouldn't approve or that you'd need to hide from him/her, that is considered cheating.


Amen to that! My exact thoughts! If your OH would be pissed and you are hiding it, then yes it is cheating! I've yet to tell my OH I've joined this site and I even consider that borderline as it is dis-honest and I'm not sure how he'd fell about it. He may be fine, he may hate it. It all depends on the couple but, yeah if your OH would be pissed and there is ANYTHING sexual at all involved then yes, i'd say it's wrong. I'm not saying that if your OH would be pissed at you talking to a friend of the opposite sex at work then that would be cheating, as well it's not. No sexual involvement, no cheating.
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