Not being too big headed, i have gotten asked out quite a bit in the 2 years that i've been single, but just havent felt that spark with any of them that makes me want to take that relationship risk (the risk where you invest all your time and emotions into it only to be shat on eventually, that kinda thing). Some are a definate no, some i get on with well enough but again no earth shattering, fireworks in your head spark, although i guess that could come with time.
Cos of this, ive been told by some that im just too picky and should give some a chance. I wouldnt say im picky in terms of looks, more to do with mutual interests/hobbies and compatability. Also im just petrified of getting my heart broken again.
So im wondering in what ways in general do you think a person can be too picky when deciding whether or not to go out with someone?
Join the best erotica focused adult social network now
Login
How to know when you're too picky?
last reply
35 replies
4.8k views
0 watchers
0 likes
Alpha Blonde
I actually don't think most people are picky enough.
I've always been very much like you in that regard. I have never been the type to date someone just for the sake of dating. I've always been of the mindset that I'd rather be single than faking it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I've been called too picky many times as well, but quite honestly when you look at the trends to relationship disasters, broken marriages and cheating, I think people are too quick to settle or buy into the whole "you're nobody until you're part of a couple" mentality. Plus a lot of people don't feel comfortable being "alone", so they have their token boyfriend or girlfriend until something better comes along and then jump ship or start cheating.
Really feeling a connection with someone has always been a very rare thing for me, but I've always been comfortable not having 'fillers' in between the real deal. I actually wish more people were like this. It would probably cut down on a lot of divorces and broken hearts along the way.
My feeling is... if you're not feeling those butterflies or excitement to see someone, or if on the day of the date you start itching to cancel or wish you were going out with the girls instead or staying home with popcorn and a good movie, then he's not the guy for you. I used to give guys a second date sometimes "just to make sure" I wasn't into them but there hasn't been a single time that I can think of where that second date made me like a guy anymore than I did after the first one.
I've always been very much like you in that regard. I have never been the type to date someone just for the sake of dating. I've always been of the mindset that I'd rather be single than faking it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I've been called too picky many times as well, but quite honestly when you look at the trends to relationship disasters, broken marriages and cheating, I think people are too quick to settle or buy into the whole "you're nobody until you're part of a couple" mentality. Plus a lot of people don't feel comfortable being "alone", so they have their token boyfriend or girlfriend until something better comes along and then jump ship or start cheating.
Really feeling a connection with someone has always been a very rare thing for me, but I've always been comfortable not having 'fillers' in between the real deal. I actually wish more people were like this. It would probably cut down on a lot of divorces and broken hearts along the way.
My feeling is... if you're not feeling those butterflies or excitement to see someone, or if on the day of the date you start itching to cancel or wish you were going out with the girls instead or staying home with popcorn and a good movie, then he's not the guy for you. I used to give guys a second date sometimes "just to make sure" I wasn't into them but there hasn't been a single time that I can think of where that second date made me like a guy anymore than I did after the first one.
Active Ink Slinger
You're too picky only if you die alone. 2 years is nothing. It took me about 10 years of pickiness to finally find what I had almost given up hope on. Being selective is worth it, I believe.
Quote by Dancing_Doll
I've always been very much like you in that regard. I have never been the type to date someone just for the sake of dating. I've always been of the mindset that I'd rather be single than faking it just for the sake of having a boyfriend.
Really feeling a connection with someone has always been a very rare thing for me, but I've always been comfortable not having 'fillers' in between the real deal.
My feeling is... if you're not feeling those butterflies or excitement to see someone, or if on the day of the date you start itching to cancel or wish you were going out with the girls instead or staying home with popcorn and a good movie, then he's not the guy for you.
Im very much like this. People have said to me, why dont you go out for one drink with them but i dont see the point if i already know i wont like them, I'd just be leading them on which is worse! I also rarely find a connection with someone. The last guy i did was only after one thing and that took 2 years to find so god knows when i'll meet the next one!
On the other side I do think though that writing someone off completely like that without even trying is just too picky so i need to find a happy medium. I dont want to be one of those people who NEEDS to be in a relationship to be happy but at the same time..... i'd just like to have that connection with someone that i can share things with
Interesting Question....
First of all, I'd agree with with what Dancing Doll has to say.
Secondly, I think it's true that you know in the SECONDS you first meet someone if there's a connection, if it's someone who physically, intellectually and /or in terms of personality just intrigues you... The reverse is also true, in that you can tell within seconds if this person is NOT going to be a romantic interest...
There's nothing worse that hanging on to a relationship that you just know doesn't feel right because you don't want to be alone. (Except perhaps when YOU think it's workable and THEY don't!!!!)
I've been hurt a few times and I've also had to leave relationships that were okay in a lot of ways but I just knew weren't right. It really doesn't pay to compare past companions to current ones ('cos every one is different...) except that if you've known true love/compatibility/comfort around each other it's not fair on either party to settle for less.
xx SF
First of all, I'd agree with with what Dancing Doll has to say.
Secondly, I think it's true that you know in the SECONDS you first meet someone if there's a connection, if it's someone who physically, intellectually and /or in terms of personality just intrigues you... The reverse is also true, in that you can tell within seconds if this person is NOT going to be a romantic interest...
There's nothing worse that hanging on to a relationship that you just know doesn't feel right because you don't want to be alone. (Except perhaps when YOU think it's workable and THEY don't!!!!)
I've been hurt a few times and I've also had to leave relationships that were okay in a lot of ways but I just knew weren't right. It really doesn't pay to compare past companions to current ones ('cos every one is different...) except that if you've known true love/compatibility/comfort around each other it's not fair on either party to settle for less.
xx SF
Active Ink Slinger
It's a double edged sword.
Not picky enough leads to to wasted time and effort. Too picky and, well, you know what they say "A life lived in fear is a life half lived"
As a nice guy who got turned down more than his fair share of times I can only say that now I'm older I'm glad I got turned down rather than having my heart trampled on more than it was. If you know at the start that there is no future - let the poor sap know up front - it might be a wrench to start but he'll apprecaite it in the end!
Not picky enough leads to to wasted time and effort. Too picky and, well, you know what they say "A life lived in fear is a life half lived"
As a nice guy who got turned down more than his fair share of times I can only say that now I'm older I'm glad I got turned down rather than having my heart trampled on more than it was. If you know at the start that there is no future - let the poor sap know up front - it might be a wrench to start but he'll apprecaite it in the end!
Rookie Scribe
I was really picky when i first met my boyfriend. He didn't match up to the criteria/expectations i had of a man i would be interested in. But he kept trying, and impressed me in ways i didnt even think were possible. One reason why i didnt want to continue seeing him/go on a date with him, was because we were two completely different people, with different interests, different cultural backgrounds...the only thing we had in common was our love for CSI.but ive found that he has taught me so much, and opened up parts of me i never knew existed. I think its great to have someone in your life that is relatable, but who can also show you things you never knew or never would have encountered. If you are too simular, the relationship can get boring sometimes, and you never want to know your partner too well either.
Active Ink Slinger
Using the expression picky in my opinion implies some sort of standard that someone has determined - a sort of emotional template and someone has to fit into it to be acceptable. I don't agree with having a relationship just for the sake of it and obviously if someone turns you off then it would be stupid to keep meeting them. What I'm trying to say is it's practically indefinable as to what promotes the spark of attraction (I can only speak for myself) - I mean I don't even prefer women with some particular feature like redhead, blonde etc. There are just too many factors to consider and a lot of them must be subliminal an old George Gershwin song comes to mind "the way you wear your hat the way you sip your tea". I think you just have to go with the flow - suck it and see - take a chance there are no guarantees and a predetermined formula will never be perfect.
Active Ink Slinger
The most important thing is to trust your instincts. Ignore what your friends say and trust your own judgement. If you've chatted to someone enough to find out about their interests, then you should have an idea of whether or not something is there. Even if it's just a flicker of something, or they intrigue you in some way.
I've just let my friends convince me to give someone I don't feel a connection with 'another chance', I did, and now I know to ignore them in the future.
A strong connection is rare, but it's worth waiting for.
I've just let my friends convince me to give someone I don't feel a connection with 'another chance', I did, and now I know to ignore them in the future.
A strong connection is rare, but it's worth waiting for.
Active Ink Slinger
Grandchildren! You're only 21 - she can wait ;)
You're only picky if you have an impossible ideal of a partner that no one can live up to - and I don't imagine that's the case at all.
You're only picky if you have an impossible ideal of a partner that no one can live up to - and I don't imagine that's the case at all.
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
Active Ink Slinger
I dont think there is such a thing as being picky, you like who you like simple as that. You cant force yourself to find somebody attractive, thats never gonna work.
You have to have a certain pyhsical attraction to be drawn to that other person anyway so once you get past that first hurdle my advice would be to have a little give and take. You're being too picky when that other person doesn't have a good enough job or drive a nicer car or you hate the fact he likes football when you hate it. Give and take all the way.
You still have to have that first bit of sexual attraction though imo.
You still have to have that first bit of sexual attraction though imo.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by MrsPussyGalour
You have to have a certain pyhsical attraction to be drawn to that other person anyway so once you get past that first hurdle my advice would be to have a little give and take. You're being too picky when that other person doesn't have a good enough job or drive a nicer car or you hate the fact he likes football when you hate it. Give and take all the way.
You still have to have that first bit of sexual attraction though imo.
Actually yeah, this is absolutely spot on the money, couldnt have put it better myself.
Active Ink Slinger
Sounds like your looking for the next "big" relationship. There's a lot to ne said for the little relationships that fall in between. There is a huge world of learning experiences that you may shut out.
I probably can't offer sound advice. I personally adore being single but realize the possibility of that haunting me later in life. Meanwhile I have less than zero interest in settling down. And being picky cannot be overvalued in my opinion. Not in a shallow way, but in a realistic and meaningful way. I've heard that the happiest marriages are between partners who have a difference of 5 IQ points or less, and that makes sense to me. If, in a similar manner, you take several more aspects into consideration than IQ, that narrows down the possibilities quite a bit. My current idea is that you will be so much happier with yourself than most other people. If you find someone who meets all the qualifying criteria, then yay. If not, congrats on dodging a billion bad bullets.
Active Ink Slinger
Don't be picky, just pick me!!! LMAO
Be picky as much as you want, nothing worse than "settling"!!!
Be picky as much as you want, nothing worse than "settling"!!!
Active Ink Slinger
My second wife and were together for eighteen years, the last five years of which we spent "walking around each other's bubble" because we really couldn't stand being in the same house together. It was all because when we met, we were both newly divorced, and afraid of being too picky. So, in essence, we both settled, and ultimately, we hurt each other and ourselves. Now, more than ten years since our divorce, we are friends, and can discuss the mistakes we made. But we just happen to be lucky that way. more often, when those kinds of marriages end, there is too much anger, hurt and resentment. "...You just kinda wasted my precious time. Don't think twice; it's all right." Those last five years, Bob Dylan's song, Don't Think Twice, was a constant refrain in my head. Don't let yourself fall into that trap. Life isn't too short, but it isn't long enough for that.
So, in a word, no, there is no such thing as "too picky"; you know what you want, and when that person comes along, you will know it. If there is no electricity, don't try to chase it.
OH, and for those of you who think sex is the touchstone or checkpoint - I'm here to tell you it ain't so. The first ten years we were together, sex was so good for both of us our ears damn near fell off.
So, in a word, no, there is no such thing as "too picky"; you know what you want, and when that person comes along, you will know it. If there is no electricity, don't try to chase it.
OH, and for those of you who think sex is the touchstone or checkpoint - I'm here to tell you it ain't so. The first ten years we were together, sex was so good for both of us our ears damn near fell off.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
Active Ink Slinger
yes, be picky as it is supposed to be for the rest of your life...think twice, maybe think 3 or 4 times before you settle in...
doing my best to be good..
The Bee's Knees
Quote by Dancing_Doll
I actually don't think most people are picky enough.
I've always been very much like you in that regard. I have never been the type to date someone just for the sake of dating. I've always been of the mindset that I'd rather be single than faking it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I've been called too picky many times as well, but quite honestly when you look at the trends to relationship disasters, broken marriages and cheating, I think people are too quick to settle or buy into the whole "you're nobody until you're part of a couple" mentality. Plus a lot of people don't feel comfortable being "alone", so they have their token boyfriend or girlfriend until something better comes along and then jump ship or start cheating.
Really feeling a connection with someone has always been a very rare thing for me, but I've always been comfortable not having 'fillers' in between the real deal. I actually wish more people were like this. It would probably cut down on a lot of divorces and broken hearts along the way.
My feeling is... if you're not feeling those butterflies or excitement to see someone, or if on the day of the date you start itching to cancel or wish you were going out with the girls instead or staying home with popcorn and a good movie, then he's not the guy for you. I used to give guys a second date sometimes "just to make sure" I wasn't into them but there hasn't been a single time that I can think of where that second date made me like a guy anymore than I did after the first one.
THIS. i've spent a lot of time being single because i don't simply want to enter a relationship just to be with someone. i had friends in college who always had to have someone and they seemed rather unhappy. it was then that i decided that i wasn't going to venture down that road.
over the years, i've grown to like my own company. you should because if you don't like being with you -who else will? i've learned what i truly like and dislike. this has helped make me aware of what it is that i'm looking for in others. not to say that i mind finding ppl that don't fit into that box. they make it more interesting.
finding someone that you connect with is a wonderful feeling! i don't see why you would deny yourself that by just going along with whomever shows interest. take time when deciding who to be with, you're worth it.
Say. Her. Name.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by Jack_42
Using the expression picky in my opinion implies some sort of standard that someone has determined - a sort of emotional template and someone has to fit into it to be acceptable. I don't agree with having a relationship just for the sake of it and obviously if someone turns you off then it would be stupid to keep meeting them. What I'm trying to say is it's practically indefinable as to what promotes the spark of attraction (I can only speak for myself) - I mean I don't even prefer women with some particular feature like redhead, blonde etc. There are just too many factors to consider and a lot of them must be subliminal an old George Gershwin song comes to mind "the way you wear your hat the way you sip your tea". I think you just have to go with the flow - suck it and see - take a chance there are no guarantees and a predetermined formula will never be perfect.
I think THIS is sound.
Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea?
If you try to force something to be what it isn't, then you'll end up disappointed when it turns out that it isn't what you imagined it to be. If there's no attraction at the start, the relationship probably isn't worth investing yourself in.
At the same time, though, if you have impossibly high expectations for the 'man of your dreams' to be perfect all the time - there's no Mr. Perfect. I've seen a lot of relationships burn out when the couple realize that the idealized versions of each other that they'd held in their minds don't match the real people in front of them. Unrealistically high expectations can be death in a relationship. So there's something to accepting people for who they are. Every one has flaws, it's just a matter of finding someone with flaws that you can live with, and who can live with your flaws, too.
I guess the third thing I've seen that's doom for a relationship is when partners are thinking about marriage potential on the first date. That's a lot of pressure to live up to. Instead, I think it's a better idea to just allow the relationship to develop as it will without having to plan out all these milestones that your mother or friends think you should be hitting. Instead, as a couple you should trust your own instincts and do what feels right for the both of you. It's your relationship, why let others define it for you?
So, what I'm saying is have a good time with whoever you can for as long as it's a good time, without any kind of goal in mind apart from enjoying each other, and then see where that leads. At least, that's what's worked for me and my wife.
At the same time, though, if you have impossibly high expectations for the 'man of your dreams' to be perfect all the time - there's no Mr. Perfect. I've seen a lot of relationships burn out when the couple realize that the idealized versions of each other that they'd held in their minds don't match the real people in front of them. Unrealistically high expectations can be death in a relationship. So there's something to accepting people for who they are. Every one has flaws, it's just a matter of finding someone with flaws that you can live with, and who can live with your flaws, too.
I guess the third thing I've seen that's doom for a relationship is when partners are thinking about marriage potential on the first date. That's a lot of pressure to live up to. Instead, I think it's a better idea to just allow the relationship to develop as it will without having to plan out all these milestones that your mother or friends think you should be hitting. Instead, as a couple you should trust your own instincts and do what feels right for the both of you. It's your relationship, why let others define it for you?
So, what I'm saying is have a good time with whoever you can for as long as it's a good time, without any kind of goal in mind apart from enjoying each other, and then see where that leads. At least, that's what's worked for me and my wife.
Don't believe everything that you read.
Quote by MMonroe
Cos of this, ive been told by some that im just too picky and should give some a chance. I wouldnt say im picky in terms of looks, more to do with mutual interests/hobbies and compatability. Also im just petrified of getting my heart broken again
It's difficult to tell from your posts if you're being picky or if you're making excuses to avoid being hurt. You really have to assess this yourself, find those that know you and can provide an outside perspective or find an independent third party to weigh in.
Also be careful relying on "spark". Attraction has to be there but it isn't always like it is in movies and on TV. Do what you enjoy doing. Be open to meeting people. Don't worry so much and let things evolve naturally. You don't have to "pick" immediately. Certainly be selective in filtering candidates but keep in mind that it really takes time to truly get to know someone so the "picking" you're doing may be premature. It's also possible that you may need to step back and reassess your priorities. It could be that your criteria are unrealistic but without details it's difficult to say if that's the case.
Looking too hard can also make it seem difficult. Some of my best relationships have been unexpected surprises when I wasn't really expecting to get into one.
A person has to not only want to be in a relationship but to be ready for one as well. Make sure you''re taking care of yourself and addressing whatever concerns you have about yourself. It's cliche but you do have to be able to love yourself first.
In-House Sapiosexual
Quote by Dancing_Doll
I actually don't think most people are picky enough.
I've always been very much like you in that regard. I have never been the type to date someone just for the sake of dating. I've always been of the mindset that I'd rather be single than faking it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I've been called too picky many times as well, but quite honestly when you look at the trends to relationship disasters, broken marriages and cheating, I think people are too quick to settle or buy into the whole "you're nobody until you're part of a couple" mentality. Plus a lot of people don't feel comfortable being "alone", so they have their token boyfriend or girlfriend until something better comes along and then jump ship or start cheating.
Really feeling a connection with someone has always been a very rare thing for me, but I've always been comfortable not having 'fillers' in between the real deal. I actually wish more people were like this. It would probably cut down on a lot of divorces and broken hearts along the way.
My feeling is... if you're not feeling those butterflies or excitement to see someone, or if on the day of the date you start itching to cancel or wish you were going out with the girls instead or staying home with popcorn and a good movie, then he's not the guy for you. I used to give guys a second date sometimes "just to make sure" I wasn't into them but there hasn't been a single time that I can think of where that second date made me like a guy anymore than I did after the first one.
I think Doll is right too.
(Gawd, I wish I would have said it first. She beat me again.)
? A True Story ?
Bonnet Flaunter
Quote by honeydipped
THIS. i've spent a lot of time being single because i don't simply want to enter a relationship just to be with someone. i had friends in college who always had to have someone and they seemed rather unhappy. it was then that i decided that i wasn't going to venture down that road.
over the years, i've grown to like my own company. you should because if you don't like being with you -who else will? i've learned what i truly like and dislike. this has helped make me aware of what it is that i'm looking for in others. not to say that i mind finding ppl that don't fit into that box. they make it more interesting.
finding someone that you connect with is a wonderful feeling! i don't see why you would deny yourself that by just going along with whomever shows interest. take time when deciding who to be with, you're worth it.
Nia has said it for me. Its not so much about being "picky" or setting a standard, but being happy with my own company. If I find someone special then that's cause for celebration, but I'm not scared or alarmed at being on my own in the meantime.
Rainbow Warrior
I'm very picky on physical criteria, but since I'm not looking for a love relationship with a guy, his relationship qualifications really don't matter much. For most of the past 15 years, I've been in emotional relationships with other girls, and sex with guys was just that - sex. Makes it much simpler with guys that way.
Active Ink Slinger
I was once not so picky as I am now. If I believed I was going to be satisfied - I picked him or her. I was never TOO picky.
I have found my group of FWB and we are more than happy to keep it in the family so to speak. Picky is now confined to one of the five other FWB.
I have found my group of FWB and we are more than happy to keep it in the family so to speak. Picky is now confined to one of the five other FWB.
The Linebacker
It;s okay to be picky. But sometimes just try someone out that might be nice. Some people will definitely grow on you and only time will tell you whether they're worth it or not. Use your instincts.
