Project Semi Colon: Lush Style

Quote by sprite
Lot of stuff that i've been dealing with pretty well, considering, caught up to me today. not been one of my better days and, frankly, i feel like just giving up right now, or did, until i slipped back into here - thanks for all of this. it does help.

Quote by YourAddiction
You know, I am not looking for any pity but I just need to tell someone that will listen....

Quote by LYFBUZ
Ok first off I'm not that gifted a writer so I really hope I don't mess this up but I'm trying to convey something that runs throughout this thread...I really hope this doesn't come out wrong....This is a really important thread, I read it because I think it keeps me in touch with the best parts of me.

The poignant honesty and courage displayed in post after post here is extraordinarily heartbreaking but at the same time I somehow found myself feeling incredibly uplifted...bearing witness to the indomitable triumph of the human spirit. I am in no way making light of anyone's pain nor am I trying to gloss over that pain with a rose-coloured lens. But as I read so many heartfelt words this thought kept recurring in my mind: All I see is your beauty...
In some way each of you has touched me and I am the better for it...
All I see is your beauty and everyone of you shines with a beautiful light...

Quote by TonyaL
I have been reading this thread all day since I found it through a post. Everything I've read has been so heartfelt. The strength of each of you is absolutely amazing. I've shared my story with a few people here and only a couple understood. They are my dear friends for life. I struggle every single day with depression anxiety ptsd. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. My bad days can be quite overwhelming to people that know me. The life I live has brought me to lush. My past has made me a survivor.
When I was 19 I was away in the Navy free for the first time since I was a very young girl. You'd think I would be the happiest person in the world. Instead I was living a lie. People saw only what I wanted them to see. I was always upbeat and caring and fun on the outside. On the inside I was dying every day. The flashbacks the triggers having to explain to a boyfriend why he couldn't touch me when I was asleep. The disgust the look of sympathy the how could you allow that to happen. I heard it all from so many people didn't want to talk about it didn't want to tell anyone. I stopped eating and sleep was near non-existent. I stood every watch I could. My favorites were anything that would keep me awake during the overnight hours. One night I was free and I had enough. no-one would listen to me. My family either hates me or doesn't believe me. I decided I was done. I couldn't take anymore. The pills went down easy and I then went out to the bar and drank myself silly. Luckily I woke up and was put in the hospital. My shipmates chose to give up their time and do suicide watch so I didn't have to have strangers. Looking them in the eye and telling them who did this to me was the hardest thing ever. How do you tell someone it was the man who was supposed to be your everything. The protector. Worse yet was the questions. How old were you? How could this happen? So many more but those are the big ones. Then you answer the questions and no-one looks at you the same.
I am not the person I want to be as none of us can be. I--neen through a lot of therapy to be able to share this with you today. I've been on meds and self medicated and have contemplated doing it right. For me my children keep me going everyday. The fight is real for all of us. There is no magic cure or a way to just wake up and say today I am going to get rid of this disease I don't want it anymore. It just doesn't work that way. My PTSD can put me in a very bad place. When I go there I pray for the right people to help me come back. I've found that here. As i continue to survive I know I will do what I can to be here for my children. I know the decisions I have made have not been the best and will continue to contribute to my depression. My marriage is toxic to say the least. I know things can be so.much worse but still this is all part of me. My husband is possessive controling and jealous. He has been emotionally abusive for over half of my marriage. My self esteem was already bad by the time I came here it was non-existent. He never hit me but there were times I wish he did. It would hurt less. He told me what I couldn't wear. How to do my hair. Who I could talk to. His temper can be very bad and he blows up for no reason. I walk around on eggshells most days never knowing his mood. There are days I can't take anymore and I have to force myself to continue. I've had the bottle in my hand and wanted to just be done. I will break down and cry for days wondering why I am not worthy of love. Real love. I know my dear friend here is going to tell me I am wrong when he reads this but it is still here to feel like I am worth anything. The three people who should be everything to a person I mean nothing too. My father left me when I was young my stepfather well you read the above and my husband well he loves me in his way but not a very healthy way.
This community all of you sharing your story the support here. The people who have touched my heart all of you help me get through another day. The semicolon is a pause and this is not the end of my story. I know I am a survivor.
My oldest son just got aaemicolon tattoo. Learning that he has tried to end his precious life was so hard for me as a mom. Knowing I've failed him is hard. The what it's are always there. I've recently learned my younger son also has feelings of worthlessness and that he has thought about it. This scares me for both of them.

Thank you Sprite for sharing your story and starting thread. Hugs for all of you who need it. Thank you all for sharing something so personal.

Quote by LYFBUZ
Ok first off I'm not that gifted a writer so I really hope I don't mess this up but I'm trying to convey something that runs throughout this thread...I really hope this doesn't come out wrong....This is a really important thread, I read it because I think it keeps me in touch with the best parts of me.

The poignant honesty and courage displayed in post after post here is extraordinarily heartbreaking but at the same time I somehow found myself feeling incredibly uplifted...bearing witness to the indomitable triumph of the human spirit. I am in no way making light of anyone's pain nor am I trying to gloss over that pain with a rose-coloured lens. But as I read so many heartfelt words this thought kept recurring in my mind: All I see is your beauty...
In some way each of you has touched me and I am the better for it...
All I see is your beauty and everyone of you shines with a beautiful light...

Quote by YourAddiction
You know, I am not looking for any pity but I just need to tell someone that will listen....

I had my moment earlier today. It has been a good year and an half since the last time I have fallen into a deep depression. And it was because of a short trigger sentence to make spiral down and feel like I shouldn't be here. It was quiet a painful moment to think that no one really needs me. No one will miss. I guess, it would make someone happy to know I have stop living. So I spent a good two hours looking at a box I kept under the bed. It has a note and a razor when ready to use. Debating if I should let it go. Be free. Sigh, I was really close you know. Making the pain go away. Even if I knew it was just a brief feeling that would last until I can finally feel up and right again. So tempting.... But here I am, just kind of feel dead inside til the time passes and I can be the best me I can. I hope soon...

Quote by TonyaL
I have been reading this thread all day since I found it through a post...

Quote by YourAddiction
You know, I am not looking for any pity but I just need to tell someone that will listen....

Quote by YourAddiction
You know, I am not looking for any pity but I just need to tell someone that will listen....

I had my moment earlier today. It has been a good year and an half since the last time I have fallen into a deep depression. And it was because of a short trigger sentence to make spiral down and feel like I shouldn't be here. It was quiet a painful moment to think that no one really needs me. No one will miss. I guess, it would make someone happy to know I have stop living. So I spent a good two hours looking at a box I kept under the bed. It has a note and a razor when ready to use. Debating if I should let it go. Be free. Sigh, I was really close you know. Making the pain go away. Even if I knew it was just a brief feeling that would last until I can finally feel up and right again. So tempting.... But here I am, just kind of feel dead inside til the time passes and I can be the best me I can. I hope soon...

Quote by sprite


i went through an abusive relationship when i was younger, it didn't last long, i ended it, but it wasn't an easy thing to do, and there wasn't a marriage or kids involved to make it even more complicated. knowing how hard that was, i can't imagine how difficult it must be for you - it took me a very long while and a lot of work to get past the triggers, the ptsd. now, it's rare. time does heal, once you get out of the situation. as we've always said, though, no judgement, just love and understanding. i hope that it gets better. i hope that your son takes his tattoo to heart. i hope that you find healing and happiness and love. you are not alone here, just remember that. in our own way, we're you're watch, and we'll look out for you best as we can, if you let us.

xo
rachel

Quote by TonyaL

Quote by kiera

Quote by Green_Man
Just wanted you to know I listened.

Quote by sprite
we all go through those moments, sometimes they hit hard. i hope that it passes quickly, and it will pass. in the meantime, know that we'd miss you. you're part of this now, YA, so just hang in there and yeah, it's tempting, cause the pain and the hurt are very real, i so get it. love you lots. if you need to talk it out, talk it out - my PM box is always open.

Quote by sweetsinner
Also listening, and my inbox is always open too Know that you aren't alone, this is an amazing community and I think most, if not all, of us are open to a shout out in those moments.

Quote by kiera
Sorry, I missed this one this morning as I was rushing. Hugs for you too and likewise my inbox is there for you too, should you need it.

Ok ladies...he had time so here it is....he drew it on to fit with my semi-colon and I love purple so...Hope you like it....Can;t show my phoenix atm as I can't take a photo of my own back lol...it looks awesome tho.

Quote by GoNE68
I've been reading over a few of the pages on this topic and there are a couple of things that have struck me.

First off - how amazing this community is.
Secondly - how strong you all are - you're amazing as individuals too.
Thirdly - how few men there are posting here.
Fourthly - the amount of time and energy that some of you are putting into trying to help complete strangers - I have no words.

But it has got me asking an important question - we men, are we all just cunts?
(Btw you don't have to answer that. )

Quote by sprite


i went through an abusive relationship when i was younger, it didn't last long, i ended it, but it wasn't an easy thing to do, and there wasn't a marriage or kids involved to make it even more complicated. knowing how hard that was, i can't imagine how difficult it must be for you - it took me a very long while and a lot of work to get past the triggers, the ptsd. now, it's rare. time does heal, once you get out of the situation. as we've always said, though, no judgement, just love and understanding. i hope that it gets better. i hope that your son takes his tattoo to heart. i hope that you find healing and happiness and love. you are not alone here, just remember that. in our own way, we're you're watch, and we'll look out for you best as we can, if you let us.

xo
rachel

Quote by kiera


Hi Tonya

Thank you for sharing with us and welcome.

I just read this and want to say more, but sadly I have an appointment so I don't have the time right now.

For now, I just wanted to give you a hug .

Your marriage sounds pretty unhealthy, mine was like that, my first marriage but he was unfortunately extremely violent too...he didn't love me, maybe he did in the beginning but then he learned he could frighten me and hurt me and yeah I get what you mean because the bruises will heal but the mental abuse can last forever, I still have trouble sleeping most days.

To have someone you care about, who is supposed to love and protect you violate and abuse you is just not something that is ever going to go away, but you can come here, on those nights when the last thing you want to do is close your eyes because you know what is going to happen. I still wake up screaming sometimes fighting off my covers because I am dreaming and reliving it all, so I totally get the no sleeping....I think sometimes that is our greatest enemy, it is mine sometimes and I fear it sometimes.

I am really sorry about your sons, I am not really sure how to respond to that except to say my heart ached to read it because as a mother, I cannot think of anything worse than harm coming to my children, if they wanted to harm themselves then I know I would completely blame myself for that regardless of the reason why so I am sending you hugs and love and prayers for the strength to help them through this, which I know you have, we are all strong, we are survivors.

I do have to go now, I will get in touch soon ok.

Love

Kiera zo

Quote by sweetsinner



Tonya, thank you for sharing here.
I empathise with your motherly guilt... but I try to remember we do the best we can, with what we can at the time.
You are brave, you are strong, and you are worthy. Keep on fighting xx

Quote by patokl

Nope we aren't.. we're men, and that often means, we have a hard time admitting we're not as tough and macho as we'd like to be.

Quote by GoNE68


That wasn't how I meant the question.
From what little I know about these things - women cry for help and men take care of business (sweeping generalisation I know).


In all of the stories that I read under this topic (3 or so pages, so not everything) - the main contributing factor to the pain was a man. It seems to be that women create and men destroy.
Therefore - are men just a bunch of cunts?
(and I even allowed to use that word in a derogatory fashion?)

Quote by kiera

Quote by sweetsinner


Kiera, you are amazing. I really love the metaphor with the phoenix rising from the ashes. You should absolutely be so damn proud of yourself. Especially when you had everybody doubting you. Sometimes it helps strengthen our resolve but it would be much more constructive for people to just be supportive. Your updated semi with butterfly looks awesome, too.

Quote by GoNE68


Love the tat - beautiful and meaningful.

Quote by kiera


Thanks, sweetie...what do you think??



@ Patokl...yes I am deliberately changing the subject. this is a nice forum where we all come for support, not a fucking competition on who may or may not have had it worse. Stop trying to make an issue out of something you have admitted you misinterpreted.