I have been delighted and encouraged by the reception my threads on punctuation have had thus far. My list of future topics is now a good length but I am always willing to take on suggestions.
Today's lesson is in the art of the apostrophe ('). This little nuisance is probably top of many Story Verifiers' I-Wish-They-Would-Get-It-Right lists. The problem with the apostrophe is that there are many cases to consider and, even after that, there are loads of exceptions.
I cannot possibly cover everything that needs to be said but hopefully I will give a good enough grounding that there will only be the occasional instance of having to look up the correct usage on Google. As with previous threads, I will be happy to answer your questions and respond to your disputes/objections.
Contractions
Apostrophes can be used, in some cases, to turn two words into one or to shorten a word to make it sound slightly different. This is (usually) done by replacing one or more letters with a single apostrophe. This technique, used outside of dialogue, gives quite an informal tone to your writing so bear that in mind when using it.
It is particularly common to do this with a verb + "not" or verb + "have" construction. It is important to note that the apostrophe should not (necessarily) be placed where there would normally be a space between the two words but where the letter(s) has been omitted.
Example 1
"You don't have to stop," said Fred, "But you could've told me you were going to stick it up my bum."
There are some strange cases, such as "shan't" and "won't", which do not follow the usual pattern and you should be aware of these.
Another common form of contraction is to remove the first or last letters of a word. This is very rarely seen outside of dialogue as it usually gives a colloquial way of saying something. Frequent examples involve dropping the "g" from a word ending "ing" or removing the "h" from the start of a word.
Example 2
"I'm tellin' you, Margaret, it was as 'eavy as a bag of sugar."
(I threw in a little bonus contraction for you there). Note, if your sentence begins with a contracted word then the first letter appearing should still be capitalised.
Please, if you can, avoid double contractions such as "wouldn't've"; they are utterly loathsome.
Contractions pop up all over the place. Make sure that, if you are using them, you're using them correctly.
Possession
The apostrophe is often used to denote possession. This should be done by adjoining an apostrophe and an "s" to the end of the noun (in most cases).
Example 1
Joey's dick was not nearly as big as Kenny's but it was huge next to everybody else's. His dick's thickness was something to be marvelled at.
Unfortunately, it is not always quite as straightforward as that - we haven't discussed what to do with words that end with an "s". As you read this, bear in mind that there are exceptions to almost every "rule" I give.
Singular nouns, including people's names, follow the usual rules.
Example 2
The witness's account of her boss's affair was music to Chris's ears.
This would be the natural way to say this sentence but people often stumble when writing because of the confusion around the many rules of apostrophes. My advice is to go with your gut but go cautiously.
Plural nouns ending in "s" do not require an additional "s" after the apostrophe.
Example 3
The ladies' performance was extremely arousing and the guys' dicks were soon taking a sound beating. The men's faces were a picture.
I have highlighted a particular irritant of mine - they are the faces of the men so the apostrophe comes after "men", not after "mens". In general, this is a good way to check if you are using your apostrophes correctly.
To illustrate some common exceptions, I provide an extra example.
Example 4
"For goodness' sake, Mairi," cried Fred, "Stop taking Jesus' name in vain when we're fucking."
Luckily, these don't come up very often. If doubtful, write what sounds best when you read it in your head. You might still be wrong but other people have a better chance of knowing what you meant.
It's vs. Its
This is something that so many people get wrong (and I can understand why) and just something that needs to be learned by rote.
If you are contracting "it is" or "it has", use the apostrophe in the way I have described above.
If you are indicating possession by "it" then no apostrophe is required.
Example
"It's this old back massager; I think its batteries need to be replaced."
In fact, other possessive pronouns also have this peculiarity: if it belongs to you/her/us/them then it is yours/hers/ours/theirs. The English language is weird like that.
Pluralisation
Apostrophes should NOT be used to pluralise nouns. Do not do it.
That's your lot for this evening. If you really do not know where or whether to use an apostrophe, try to rephrase your sentence in such a way that it is not necessary. They can be bothersome little buggars.
Thank you for your time. You may now return to the porn.
Clumeleon
Mazza, please be inpressed I have not pointed it out to you before, I was trying really, really hard. Innit. 
