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Debate: Is it cheating if...

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A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?
Unknown User
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I think that is BS ... (sorry to be so brutally blunt in my opinion), but that is just a really selfish justification for meeting her own needs and desires. Anyone can justify ANYTHING in their own mind, and this is a fine example, almost laughable, how she has told herself that if she doesn't get it, and wants it, it is okay. That is a GREAT excuse. (I take it she is in a commited relationship.) It makes everything okay-(think I'll go shoplift now. I am sure I need some things.-just kidding! :/) I know "why" she is saying that, but I DO think it is just an excuse, no matter how real the need.


I don't know what to say ~except she is obviously going to do what she wants, regardless.
sithgirl
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?


Definitely cheating, and a cop out to deny responsibility. If you're going to do it, there's no need for justification. Making up excuses leads me to believe she realizes it's wrong for her. If she's going to do it, she should just be real about it and not make up lame excuses.
dpw
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?

I agree with the post above.
I presume that she tells her boyfriend all about it. If she isn't cheating, she wouldn't have to hide anything.
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well if she's telling her boyfriend about it and he's fine with it, its not cheating. Else, it is definitely and she's just looking for excuses to justify her actions.
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If the boyfriend knows and does not mind, then I would not consider that cheating. If he does not know then, yes that is cheating, in my opinion.

I personally would not be okay with my man doing things with other people, because I would not do something with him or for him.

If I/we thought it was causing problems in our relationship then I would have to either learn to love/like what he wants me to do or move on. It would not be fair to either of us in the long run.
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Great question. I've thought of this before for myself but quickly came to the conclusion that it is cheating. As others have said, I think the deciding factor is if you tell your significant other or not.

That said... and I'm sure this is a third rail opinion but... I do think in many relationships there is validity (not justification) in your friend's thinking.
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You may be in an Open Relationship and anything goes as long as you come home before sunlight. My brother and his wife live that way and have for years.

W have been married only a few months but it is our goal to live the life my brothers and wife do.
AltaBrwnSgr
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?


Here's my two cents on cheating. The following scenarios constitute cheating in a committed relationship in my opinion.

1. You cannot tell your significant other about your questionable activities, because you know that doing so would be unacceptable in his or her eyes.

2. You will not tell your significant other about your questionable activities, because it's 'none of his or her business'.

3. You cannot or will not share your extra activities, because 'what they don't know won't hurt 'em'.

Let's be real. It's cheating.

If you can share these activities with your significant other, and you have an understanding before the activities occur, then it's not cheating in my opinion.

This is just MY opinion... from experience.

ColletteXx
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?


If it's mutually agreed between your colleague and her boyfriend that she sleeps around (cos that's what she's doing, despite what Bill Clinton said, oral sex IS sex) then no harm done.

If she decides not to tell him, and has to hide these episodes from him, then she's cheating.

Are you the one going down on her, Mike? Are you looking for justification for your actions? Just askin'
billy
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Possibly nailed it.
“It's nice sometimes to open up the heart a little and let some hurt come in. It proves you're still alive.”
olfart
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If the other doesn't know about what's going on. Yes, it's cheating.
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It is cheating.
But to be honest - I can't blame someone who is rejected, sexually, and seeks out relief from someone else. Of course, I believe they should just call off a relationship if it matters to them that much. But I've heard other more significant stories such as a bisexual having married a woman, who he loves, but she's not open to anything about his bisexual side. He sleeps around with men.

That - to me - is a broken relationship and the person with the unsatisfied urges is being treated like a lesser person for it.
Dani
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?


The only way any of this flies is if they both came to these conclusions mutually.

Every relationship is different so it's important in any relationship to establish what the boundaries are in terms of cheating, especially if the relationship isn't monogamous (although in monogamous relationships, the cheating thing is usually something that's understood).

So if her boyfriend's aware that she's fucking girls and fucking guys in all the ways that he wouldn't and doesn't have an issue with it, then it's fine. But if she's doing all of this in secret and has rationalized in her own mind that she isn't cheating, then that's pretty fucked up.

And if she's always had this philosophy, she should be up front about it in any relationship so the guy has a say in whether or not he wants to be involved with someone who thinks/feels this way.

Recap: If both parties involved in the relationship have no issue with this, then this entire debate is a non-issue. If she's doing this in secret, then no matter how she's rationalized it to herself, it's cheating.

░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
1lush
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Sounds like she thinks like a MAN! That's how I used to think anyway.
Dancing_Doll
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In my last relationship, I used to think that girls didn't count either, especially if it was just playing around. I didn't go out of my way to hide it from my then boyfriend, assuming he wouldn't mind since when we were together (and he was part of it), he encouraged it. It all exploded on me one day when he finally got pissed off enough about it to say that it wasn't ok with him when he wasn't around and that I needed to stop immediately.... which I did... except for maybe a few instances of kissing girls at the bar, toward the end of the relationship when I knew things were on the decline.

Anyway - everyone defines cheating differently. I've heard people say same-sex doesn't count, oral doesn't count, phone sex/sexting doesn't count, sex outside of one's own city doesn't count. vacation or business-trip sex doesn't count. I guess it really depends on the couple. As others have said, it all boils down to whether you think your significant other would be upset with your actions if they knew about it - if the answer is yes, then it's cheating. Pretty simple, actually.
GunGirlJess
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Eating is cheating
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?


If that were true, I'd blow a different cock every day!
hails
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If you would not do it infront of your girl/boyfriend or wife/husband then it's cheating
bustyreadhead
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that is the most hilarious excuse i have ever heard, and i've heard a few in my day.

"my wife never has sex with me in my mistress's apartment, so when you think about it i really have permission without asking."
Dudealicious
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Quote by mikej85007
A colleague mentioned that she doesn't think it's cheating if she only does things with others that her boyfriend won't/can't do to her. For example, he doesn't like going down on her, so in her mind, if she meets another guy who will go down, it's not cheating as long as they don't do things her boyfriend WOULD do. Another example, if she is with a girl, that's not cheating. Thoughts?


So does that mean that Hillary Clinton didn't want to give Bill a blowjob. Thus making it ok for him to be with Monica Lewinsky?
The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

[URL=http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-night-that-changed-my-life-1.aspx][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/WPPsy.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
dpw
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Quote by Dudealicious


So does that mean that Hillary Clinton didn't want to give Bill a blowjob. Thus making it ok for him to be with Monica Lewinsky?


Would you want Hilary Clinton to give you a blow job?
Would anyone?
Twofish1way
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It is cheating if one needs to even ask the question "is it cheating". Cheating starts in the mind, with a simple thought. Luckily, karma will take care of those whom cheat and those who have been cheated on.
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Your friend has a problem. Sounds like that she has convinced herself with that to ease her own mind. In my eyes, cheating is doing anything with someone that is not your significant other.