When it comes to BDSM, I don't know shit about shit. And I don't pretend to, either. But it seems as if the BDSM culture is sort of growing, especially within this site. Almost every chat room I enter, whether it's BDSM oriented or not, a great majority of the people there are self-proclaimed doms or subs. What I don't understand is that it almost seems like they use the title to define themselves. I'm trying to word this right, but hopefully you understand where I'm coming from. It's like, you meet someone and they're like "Hi, I'm so-and-so and I'm a dom/sub." OK. That's lovely. But what else? I understand being a dominant or a submissive type can be a huge part of who you are, but it's not the ONLY quality you possess. And also what I'm beginning to see a lot of is people reinventing themselves as doms or subs. It's like a light bulb goes off, and they're like "Hey! I think I wanna be a dom/sub. I think I'll start today. Let me go find someone to completely control or completely give myself to." I am in no way trying to mock the lifestyle, but I'm just trying to understand it all. I mean is it healthy for this to just completely take over who you are? I've known several people before they decided to take up the lifestyle...and it's as if becoming a dom or a sub has completely changed who they are and it's something they use to define themselves. What happened to just being a regular human being like everyone else? Does being a dom/sub come before that? Is that really all there is to you? Shouldn't there be more? And obviously this doesn't apply to every single person in this lifestyle, as I've met some pretty down to earth types and I wouldn't even know they were involved with this kind of thing if I hadn't read it in their profile or if someone else hadn't brought it up.
i can't, of course, speak for anyone else. for ME, however, being a sub, is an aspect of my personality, both sexual and non-sexual. it's not the whole of it, but it is part of who i am and it does color a lot of what i do. as does everything else, all those others aspects that i might tag myself with... here, from my bio:
who is rachel?
a writer, a fairy, a rave girl, a hippie, a slut, a wife, a sub, a little sister, a survivor, a friend, a lover, a sexually adventurous woman, an intellectually curious citizen, a voter, an activist, a poet, an artist, a student of tai chi, a vegetarian, a baker, a cook, a pet owner, and, hopefully, a lot of fun.
i think, perhaps, that because this is a sexually orientated site, we put more emphasis on our sexual identity here. also, being one of the few places in peoples lives where they can feel comfortable declaring their sexuality, especially in the realm of bdsm, they are more likely to take advantage of that. declaring yourself a Dom at a family picnic is not something most feel comfortable doing. nor at work, or in most of their friendships, so yeah, it's likely very freeing to be able to finally have a forum to do it in, so they take advantage of it and are very vocal about it.
that's just my thought.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Quote by sprite i can't, of course, speak for anyone else. for ME, however, being a sub, is an aspect of my personality, both sexual and non-sexual. it's not the whole of it, but it is part of who i am and it does color a lot of what i do. as does everything else, all those others aspects that i might tag myself with... here, from my bio:
who is rachel?
a writer, a fairy, a rave girl, a hippie, a slut, a wife, a sub, a little sister, a survivor, a friend, a lover, a sexually adventurous woman, an intellectually curious citizen, a voter, an activist, a poet, an artist, a student of tai chi, a vegetarian, a baker, a cook, a pet owner, and, hopefully, a lot of fun.
i think, perhaps, that because this is a sexually orientated site, we put more emphasis on our sexual identity here. also, being one of the few places in peoples lives where they can feel comfortable declaring their sexuality, especially in the realm of bdsm, they are more likely to take advantage of that. declaring yourself a Dom at a family picnic is not something most feel comfortable doing. nor at work, or in most of their friendships, so yeah, it's likely very freeing to be able to finally have a forum to do it in, so they take advantage of it and are very vocal about it.
that's just my thought.
I understand all of that 100%, and it makes perfect sense. But that wasn't exactly what I was getting at. See how you just described all the other aspects of your personality ALONG WITH your submissiveness?? That's what I find lacking here. I get that people can openly express their sexual identities on a sexually orientated social site, but why stop there? What I'm getting at are those who are just like, "I'm a dom, I like whips and chains." or "I'm a sub, spank me and call me names." I guess what I'm really trying to understand is the dom and sub types who stereotype themselves into that role that may or may not be who they really are, as if there's nothing else to them.
"i think, perhaps, that because this is a sexually orientated site, we put more emphasis on our sexual identity here. also, being one of the few places in peoples lives where they can feel comfortable declaring their sexuality, especially in the realm of bdsm, they are more likely to take advantage of that. declaring yourself a Dom at a family picnic is not something most feel comfortable doing. nor at work, or in most of their friendships, so yeah, it's likely very freeing to be able to finally have a forum to do it in, so they take advantage of it and areveryy vocal about it."
Sprite kinda nails it with that. Besides if you went to a horoscope site I'm sure people would say hi I'm John doe and I'm a Libra, but people mistake me for a Scorpio. Its a fairly short and effective descriptive term relating to interests and or personality considering the theme of the site.
I've never seen two people on lush carry out a model train discussion, but I'm sure on a model train website chatroom when you say hello you find some people prefer steam, others like bullet trains?
I understand that this is an Adult site but in MY opinion and this is just me saying this. I'm who i am, my submission is for me and whom i serve. I don't feel the need to run around the rooms and forums proclaiming this is who or what i am. My submission doesn't define me only but it is who i am.
I believe that some go very deep into the lifestyle and that is what defines them the most. Others i believe are living a fantasy here online and thinks that maybe being a Dom or Mistress will make them "special" or give them rights to say and do anything they please. Which couldn't be further from the truth. A Dom/Mistress are carrying, honorable and doesn't need to announce who or what they are to gain respect, by their actions it will show.
One doesn't need to act like the big person on campus to be a Dom/Mistress. I also see a lot of people claiming a status that takes years to gain after training and observing and living it rather online or for real. You don't just wake up one day and claim "Hey i'm a Master or Ma'am" and be successful. Just like anything in life there is research, training and learning. A submissive puts their trust in a Dom/me and if they aren't properly trained can do mental and physical damage. This is a risk no matter what but just plain scary with one that self proclaims a status without working their way up to that title that was EARNED.
Part of a Dom/mes duty to the submissive is to train them to be the best submissive that they can be to show them what is acceptable and what isn't with them. With one Dom/me is acceptable but to another isn't so there is always learning. To a submissive there should be no grater fail then to disappoint their Dom/me. That is the worst feeling and punishment should never be fun. The punishment is there to also guide you and many think it's a thrill or turn on for a Dom/me. It's not it hurts them just as much as the submissive failed and they are having to correct the submissive. Will a submissive mess up YES, will a submissive need guidance A big ol' hell yes. All this is part of the package. But without being shown the way who's fault is it really??? ~whispers~ the correct answer is the Dom/me. To be a Dom/me is more then having a someone to order around it's a deep connection, to put your trust into each other and know that the Dom/mes would never hurt you and that it hurts them as well.
I see so many examples of people using a title to berate and exploit others. This goes both ways as Dom/mes and submissive. If this is role play for a couple then that's fine but say that, there is nothing wrong with fantasy but remember there is somebody on the other end of those words. Just cause you see words does not make it alright to harass and play an evil game with the person on the other end. Always keep in mind that people behind the words do have feelings as words hurt and cause emotional scaring...It happens in not only the BDSM community but in All others as well. Respect that is one of the main ingredients to this lifestyle and should be in others.
Your right there is more to a person but we may not always show it as well. Some people are private and needs it brought out while others proudly claim who they are as well what interest them. I have interest on my profile and sometimes will discuss them in a room or with others. I tend to just flow with different topics but since this is an adult site many just jump past the niceties and go right for the Velcro community. You can't judge a lifestyle by a few. ( which I very much understand wasn't the case here) each to their own and in the end it's just figuring out which is which in terms of fantasy and believing. Just my thoughts..
Sorry got on a roll up there and went with a thought....
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
Quote by jerseylynn I understand that this is an Adult site but in MY opinion and this is just me saying this. I'm who i am, my submission is for me and whom i serve. I don't feel the need to run around the rooms and forums proclaiming this is who or what i am. My submission doesn't define me only but it is who i am.
I believe that some go very deep into the lifestyle and that is what defines them the most. Others i believe are living a fantasy here online and thinks that maybe being a Dom or Mistress will make them "special" or give them rights to say and do anything they please. Which couldn't be further from the truth. A Dom/Mistress are carrying, honorable and doesn't need to announce who or what they are to gain respect, by their actions it will show.
One doesn't need to act like the big person on campus to be a Dom/Mistress. I also see a lot of people claiming a status that takes years to gain after training and observing and living it rather online or for real. You don't just wake up one day and claim "Hey i'm a Master or Ma'am" and be successful. Just like anything in life there is research, training and learning. A submissive puts their trust in a Dom/me and if they aren't properly trained can do mental and physical damage. This is a risk no matter what but just plain scary with one that self proclaims a status without working their way up to that title that was EARNED.
Part of a Dom/mes duty to the submissive is to train them to be the best submissive that they can be to show them what is acceptable and what isn't with them. With one Dom/me is acceptable but to another isn't so there is always learning. To a submissive there should be no grater fail then to disappoint their Dom/me. That is the worst feeling and punishment should never be fun. The punishment is there to also guide you and many think it's a thrill or turn on for a Dom/me. It's not it hurts them just as much as the submissive failed and they are having to correct the submissive. Will a submissive mess up YES, will a submissive need guidance A big ol' hell yes. All this is part of the package. But without being shown the way who's fault is it really??? ~whispers~ the correct answer is the Dom/me. To be a Dom/me is more then having a someone to order around it's a deep connection, to put your trust into each other and know that the Dom/mes would never hurt you and that it hurts them as well.
I see so many examples of people using a title to berate and exploit others. This goes both ways as Dom/mes and submissive. If this is role play for a couple then that's fine but say that, there is nothing wrong with fantasy but remember there is somebody on the other end of those words. Just cause you see words does not make it alright to harass and play an evil game with the person on the other end. Always keep in mind that people behind the words do have feelings as words hurt and cause emotional scaring...It happens in not only the BDSM community but in All others as well. Respect that is one of the main ingredients to this lifestyle and should be in others.
Sorry got on a roll there...
You just said exactly what I've been trying to say. Well, minus all the in-depth stuff that I couldn't delve into being that I know next to nothing about this lifestyle. But this is the explanation I've been looking for, I think. Thanks so much!
And also, I think I just get tired of the blowhards. Some doms here don't realize that their dominance carries no weight to those outside of this lifestyle. So when I come across a big shot dominant type who tries to throw their weight around, I usually just laugh and roll my eyes...but overall I'm just annoyed. It's the same with a sub. Just because you're a submissive, it doesn't mean everyone you come across has the desire to dominate you. I'm not trying to harp on anyone in this lifestyle, as many of my friends here are involved, but it's not something they carry around or throw in someone's face any chance they get.
Dani, I know what you mean I see it so much on here as well. There are those who think its complete fantasy land and thats fine but be upfront about it and don't pretend that you know what you are talking about. Yes, BDSM as a community is growing on Lush at a high rate. For me personally, I am a woman and a mother of two. I am a returning college student who is working towards a Masters in Criminal Justice, I enjoy many things like cooking, reading, writing, the outdoors etc. A well rounded human being should be comprised of many aspects not just by the fact that she may enjoy being tied up and spanked.
As Jersey said, my submissiveness is for me and the man I serve. I am a complete package and by that I mean I am not just a submissive. I am a woman who happens to be submissive both sexually and non. Finding the right compatible person to give that to, is never easy and it shouldn't be easy. If I am asked which I am, Dom or sub I will reply but its not something I go around announcing when I go into a room. That is just ludicrous. For some its all in the name. I don't go around with the name subravyn nor do I go around with bitchravyn, I am just plain ole Ravyn. For one to get to know who I am, they must get to know me and as with anything that takes time.
Being a Master or a sub for some is just a small part of who they are and for others it goes much deeper. Those who walk into a room and announce their title are more likely than not someone who woke up one morning thinking this is what they want and so they are going to see how it works here on Lush. A true Master will be able to tell by talking to someone which side of the fence they fall, so to speak. It most times can be a natural thing that with the proper training just makes it flourish more. It can't be forced nor faked as most on here believe.
I think that those of you who are not into the lifestyle can sit and watch and see who are the fantasy players and those who really have a desire for the lifestyle. You Dani, have a very good bullshit detector lol listen to it
You just said exactly what I've been trying to say. Well, minus all the in-depth stuff that I couldn't delve into being that I know next to nothing about this lifestyle. But this is the explanation I've been looking for, I think. Thanks so much!
And also, I think I just get tired of the blowhards. Some doms here don't realize that their dominance carries no weight to those outside of this lifestyle. So when I come across a big shot dominant type who tries to throw their weight around, I usually just laugh and roll my eyes...but overall I'm just annoyed. It's the same with a sub. Just because you're a submissive, it doesn't mean everyone you come across has the desire to dominate you. I'm not trying to harp on anyone in this lifestyle, as many of my friends here are involved, but it's not something they carry around or throw in someone's face any chance they get.
I've had these questions as well and like you i don't know the lifestyle, from what i can tell this made most sense to me. (although referring to women, I know it goes both ways)
And if it isnt that way , they are full of hot air here.
A person has to allow another to dominate them. A Dom/me can not force a submissive as submission is a gift and as such should be treated as the highest form of honor in a D/s relationship. It's the submissive that decides who is a Dominate as without a submissive who will the Dominate dominate. The submissive holds a lot of power but not to top from the bottom. A submissive should not try to control the relationship by manipulation. It's an honor to give your submission and a greater honor to receive it.
Submission should never be forced but freely given as well as it shouldn't be used as a bargaining tool for either parties to get your way.
Respect is a two way street and as such should be earned not just given because of a title. I have met many Doms that would not allow Sir to be given to them unless it was earned. In this regard it may come down to what one was taught. Some automatic give the title in a show of acknowledging the status while some were taught to only give to their Dom/me. Neither is right nor wrong, mostly a preference and respect given to their training.
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
I have a question , it always looks like a typo, is it Dominant, who dominates , so many write Dominate where I think it should be Dominant?? Gets me everytime.
i googled it: The verb is “dominate” the adjective is “dominant.” The dominant chimpanzee tends to dominate the others.
*EDIT i was not trying to sound like an Arse there i literally copied and pasted that definition. I re-read it and thought damn CD you sound like an arsehole hahaha. apologies lovelies!!
Quote by crazydiamond I have a question , it always looks like a typo, is it Dominant, who dominates , so many write Dominate where I think it should be Dominant?? Gets me everytime.
i googled it: The verb is “dominate” the adjective is “dominant.” The dominant chimpanzee tends to dominate the others.
*EDIT i was not trying to sound like an Arse there i literally copied and pasted that definition. I re-read it and thought damn CD you sound like an arsehole hahaha. apologies lovelies!!
When talking in the D/s relationship the Dominant is always capitalized, ie: Master, Mistress, Dominant, Dom, Domme etc. When referring to the submissive its always submissive or slave NEVER Submissive or Slave. Its a matter of protocol.
When talking in the D/s relationship the Dominant is always capitalized, ie: Master, Mistress, Dominant, Dom, Domme etc. When referring to the submissive its always submissive or slave NEVER Submissive or Slave. Its a matter of protocol.
I wasn't referring to the names or capitalisations, I meant the word Dominant and Dominate, many use them interchangeably, like
It's the submissive that decides who is a Dominate as without a submissive who will the Dominate dominate.
Thankfully, unlike dating website we don't have to complete a compatibility test, or even post our Myers-Briggs personality type on our profiles (I'm ENTP by the way).
The so-called BDSM lifestyle is largely made up of people with similar personality types; when they say "You wouldn't understand, you're not in the lifestyle" what they're really saying is "your personality doesn't suit the lifestyle". If someone has a rebellious personality there are aspects of the culture that will seem entirely alien to them but that doesn't mean it's entirely closed off.
People have their own definition of what subs and doms should and shouldn't be - if that definition is compatible with what someone else thinks, who's to say they're wrong.
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
This is an interesting thread. Lots of good input, but also kind of reminds me of another question/debate I see a lot.... Are you "really" a biker? Is a biker one who wears leather all the time and goes to biker bars? Is a person who has X or Y type of bike "really" a biker? If you only ride your motorcycle on the weekend, but not during the week when you take your car/truck to work, are you not a "real" biker? Oh there are so many "fake" bikers out there, because they don't fit my definition of what a real biker is. Etc.
This is in NO way a slam against anything posted here (like I said, there is a lot of good information based on people's views), but the similarity just struck me as I was reading it all.
To answer the original question, no, it is not. I am also a romantic. I am also a "cowboy". I am also a lot of other things. I do not put the role as my identity, nor is it what people would notice when they meet me or see me interacting with others. I don't wear it on my sleeve or as a fashion for the world to identify me with. Does that make me a fake? Does that make me less or more? I guess each is to decide that for themselves.
I find myself having to say " I am not THAT kind of (whatever)" many times in life. It does not mean IMO that I am not (whatever), but simply not what one person or another THINKS (whatever) is supposed to be, or is by default.
Quote by slipperywhenwet2012 When it comes to BDSM, I don't know shit about shit.
I'm tenuously putting together a harem, SWW. If you want to join up, you can be my number two go-to-girl... online. I accept & encourage both subs and femme dommes of the female persuasion.
I'll prioritize your internet life for you. Gently, yet firmly.
I'm tenuously putting together a harem, SWW. If you want to join up, you can be my number two go-to-girl... online. I accept & encourage both subs and femme dommes of the female persuasion.
I'll prioritize your internet life for you. Gently, yet firmly.
Of course not, we are all complex lives, we all have other interests, I am a writer, a parent, and have many other interests, being Dom is just one aspect of who I am
Quote by crazydiamond GODAMMIT! all these professionals, yet no one can still say if its spelled correctly! I'm having an aneurysm , thanks.
Bad, bad subs!! check your spelling so I can sleep!
Dominant is an adjective. When people say they're a dom, it means they're the dominant one in the relationship, or they're the dominant type. Dominate is a verb. Someone can dominate you, but they can never dominant you...that's just silly. So in actuality, calling yourself a dom is grammatically incorrect because you can't be an adjective or a verb in the literal sense, you can only be a noun.
Dominant is an adjective. When people say they're a dom, it means they're the dominant one in the relationship, or they're the dominant type. Dominate is a verb. Someone can dominate you, but they can never dominant you...that's just silly. So in actuality, calling yourself a dom is grammatically incorrect because you can't be an adjective or a verb in the literal sense, you can only be a noun.
Well put.
Crazy, you are correct. To call somebody a "dominate/Dominate" is incorrect. In the form people have come to use the term, they are a "dominant/Dominant".
Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet. *** ********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Jerseylynn and Ravyn both had GREAT responses. I agree with them completely.
My own opinion on the matter is this:
Many here assume the title Master or Dom because they see how vast the BDSM community is here. They feel it is the best way to "get in close" with the women here as many many of them do state their submissive roles. I hate seeing a guy waltz into a room and command it like they own it but then cant hold a conversation on any aspect of a D/s relationship. I have seen many change completely once they enter the lifestyle and it is sad to see. Just because you choose to submit or Dominate does not mean you have to change who you are as a person. That's the short version of what I wanted to say. The rest has already been said by others
WellMadeMale, really? This is NOT the place to advertise.
OK...bonus question: Does the rules a dom may make for their sub apply to them as well? Like for instance, if it's an online relationship and a sub isn't allowed to private chat or have hot steamy pretend sex with other people, does this mean that the dom will also refrain from private chatting and having hot steamy pretend sex with other people? How does one go about setting these type of rules? Can the sub also have their own list of rules/demands and behaviors they may deem unacceptable for their dom? And what are the consequences of a dom violating these rules (if they exist) other than the sub leaving them?
Quote by slipperywhenwet2012 OK...bonus question: Does the rules a dom may make for their sub apply to them as well? Like for instance, if it's an online relationship and a sub isn't allowed to private chat or have hot steamy pretend sex with other people, does this mean that the dom will also refrain from private chatting and having hot steamy pretend sex with other people? How does one go about setting these type of rules? Can the sub also have their own list of rules/demands and behaviors they may deem unacceptable for their dom? And what are the consequences of a dom violating these rules (if they exist) other than the sub leaving them?
There is no set boiler plate answer for your question. Each D/s relationship is different and unique to the people involved in the relationship. Each Dom and sub will have their own set of limits and boundaries so there is really no way to answer your question with any specificity.
As Ravyn pointed out each relationship is different. Each should express their wants and desires. This isn't a dictatorship (well depending on what type of relationship you want). A true Dom/me won't run around and do things cause they can they have a need and want to please their submissive and any that says "cause i can" is full of something.
If it's agreed that B/both will be strictly with each other then if one strays that is cheating as in any other relationship. Once trust is lost then it's hard to get it back and most fail in the end after it's lost. This lifestyle isn't a cookie cutter mold it's about talking and finding out what both parties want and need from it. Can't ever stress the importance of Communication. It's talked about more in the lifestyle then most i've seen and it's shame as many relationships might survive if people did communicate better.
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
Stick to pretend domination, cuz your take on real sarcasm is FAIL.
Pretend domination huh? Please do share more on that. I was not aware that I pretend at all, that is a very new piece of information about me.
"Is fail"? Is A fail perhaps? Its ok, I won't poke someone with the inability to properly insult me. I will admit, I was wrong to assume you were acting like the other asses who reply to these posts, but then again, I may be wrong on that as well.
Keep nibbling on my tail Pez, you're about to bite off more than you can chew.
(once again, I am typing in internetese vernacular and you're attempting to correct my intentionally flawed grammar, while missing an apostrophe on one simple word?)
You insult yourself well enough, without any assistance from me.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Quote by WellMadeMale Keep nibbling on my tail Pez, you're about to bite off more than you can chew.
(once again, I am typing in internetese vernacular and you're attempting to correct my intentionally flawed grammar, while missing an apostrophe on one simple word?)
You insult yourself well enough, without any assistance from me.
Lets not turn a good discussion thread into this. Let those who want to discuss this topic in earnest do so
