Safe words are obviously used to communicate with your partner when approaching a physical or emotional boundary. Either as a signal to reduce the intensity of a scene, or bring it to a stop altogether.
If you utilise a prop which makes this impossible, for example a ball gag, how do you ensure that you are keeping the BDSM-play safe?
Use a pre-arranged non verbal signal as well... like a noise or a movement.
Unless there is total bondage, or immersion in a chamber, in which case you may well be stuffed!.
If it is just a gag, I use a hand signal, similar to what sprite suggested, if bondage is involved as well then I hold onto a small easy to hold bouncy ball, dropping it signals to my Mistress that I want to stop and talk about something.
I mostly require safewords in role play. "Fuck you asshole, that hurts! is not a safeword there, my slutty little pet". ;) I typically do rope and negotiate with Bottoms to use real words, real English. It's vital if something is wrong in a rope scene that it be corrected immediately! I also have non-verbal cues prearranged if it's a loud dungeon. But, stoplights, G/T/R are the norm.
Never! Never! Never!
I have never played with anyone without using a dedicated 'Safe-Word'.
Traffic Signals may be the preferred choice for some, but I still rely on the 'Safe-Word'.
To 'Play', without a 'Safe-Word', one would really have to TOTALLY trust your partner to know the limits, for all concerned.
Hand signal or have her hold something in her hand. When she drops it, that's the same as a safe-word. Never play without some way to indicate it's hitting the limit.
I realize I'm in the minority, but I prefer play without safe words. Of course this means that my play partner must take time to get to know me and my body and, of course, there must be trust. I don't like safe words because they make me feel unsubmissive, like I have control over the scene. My current Master requires my hair to be in a ponytail when we play so that he can easily read my facial gestures. It works for us.
You need a safe work no matter how mundane you might think the activities are or how well you trust them.. you need a way out and a safe way to stop it...
In my humble opinion, a D/s relationship MUST have a safe word. Even the closest Dom cannot read his/her sub's mind, and what worked yesterday may not today. Anyone who has done yoga knows that this is true.
But, in some repects, the greater issue is that the Dom is responsible for safe play. It is her/his responsibility to KNOW that everything is alright. If there's no safe word or signal, then the Dom is guessing, and that is an evasion of responsibility.
I hate to put it this way, but not having a safe word or signal is not fair to the Dom, which seems strange, but that's truly the way I feel.
James
An incredibly talented, but modest Polar Bear, often mischievous, but never malicious!
I guess BDSMers that don't use safe words are in for the extra thrill, kind of like those free climbers that scale massive straight up cliffs, skydivers wearing only wingsuits, etc.
I hate to put it this way, but not having a safe word or signal is not fair to the Dom, which seems strange, but that's truly the way I feel.
This!
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Unknown User
Toe curling. Make it fun. Is it a signal or just an orgasm?
But I've hummed and made my hands into fist but in doing this you can't make your hands into fist during session unless it's to end session/break.
In saying this, I prefer not to use safe words.
Unknown User
Quote by Buz I guess BDSMers that don't use safe words are in for the extra thrill, kind of like those free climbers that scale massive straight up cliffs, skydivers wearing only wingsuits, etc.
True.
When you've been w/ a kinkster for so many yrs, there's no need for a safe word.
It's just known;easily noticeable but when its a gangband then a safeword/gesture is needed or not.
I suppose the universal safe word (or phrase) is, "I forgot the safe word."
In my stories (some are on other sites), I often used a food reference as a safe phrase: "Chicken salad," "macaroni and cheese," and "Dinty Moore." The participants tend to be quite sparing in using them, however. "Do you think you'll want some chicken salad with this?" "No, I can't abide by the stuff."
I thought the universal safe word was Red. It's never failed me when I've needed it
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
I learned very early, NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR SAFEWORD AWAY! I had mine taken away, as a slave. I did a scene where my Master pushed way way way to far, I honored our agreement and didn't red, he's supposed to know me so well, are care so much.... ha. I took back my RED. No one can take that. It was an immediate relief once I made that decision.
Quote by Twisterlj I learned very early, NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR SAFEWORD AWAY! I had mine taken away, as a slave. I did a scene where my Master pushed way way way to far, I honored our agreement and didn't red, he's supposed to know me so well, are care so much.... ha. I took back my RED. No one can take that. It was an immediate relief once I made that decision.
Maybe I'm just daft but why would anyone want to take your safeword away?
I've never removed anyone's safe word or been asked to surrender mine.
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
Some people are really into edgeplay and one of those is a removal of safewords/signals and trusting that the dominant will stop when they've pushed your body to the max. I guess they really get off on the thrill of being entirely helpless. I know some think that safewords should also be removed during punishments because they believe it isn't a deterrent for "misbehaviour" like cumming without permission etc. Regardless, of whether someone uses safewords or not, boundaries need to be known in advance and not crossed. I personally wouldn't engage in anything without safewords involved and believe that warning bells should ring if someone you've just met asks to not use them.
Quote by utterchaos Some people are really into edgeplay and one of those is a removal of safewords/signals and trusting that the dominant will stop when they've pushed your body to the max. I guess they really get off on the thrill of being entirely helpless. I know some think that safewords should also be removed during punishments because they believe it isn't a deterrent for "misbehaviour" like cumming without permission etc. Regardless, of whether someone uses safewords or not, boundaries need to be known in advance and not crossed. I personally wouldn't engage in anything without safewords involved and believe that warning bells should ring if someone you've just met asks to not use them.
Thank you Emma. You put it so much better than I did.
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
I'll weigh in here. Been doing a lot in kink space and did a lot in organized event spaces and some work as a dungeon master, in case any of that matters.
First, kink is sort of "what you've negotiated" space so, don't assume there's a "right" way and the whole thing is about challenging norms.
However, not negotiating things (using purely INCLUSIVE negotiation--agreeing to what you're ok with rather than listing what you're NOT ok with) is, in my opinion, foolish. One local Dom used to say "well, you didn't list it so can I beat you with a trout, then fuck you with whatever is left of it, and then feed you chunks? well, you didn't list that on limits..." to make a point.
Safe words. The very BEST (and default) safe word is "no" or "stop" or "uh-uh" or shaking your head. Unless otherwise stated this is ALWAYS a hard stop. No means no even in kink. Now, some people prefer to play through "no".They want to be able to sink into the experience and scream and complain and shout "dear God NO!" while having nails driven through their flesh (true story) and to have the Top know that it's ok to continue. To me, this is where safe words come in. If you're saying "no" doesn't mean no, then you still need a word to mean no. Traffic lights are common: Red means "stop the scene NOW", yellow means "ease up, it's getting to be too much", green means "Ok, I've got my coping back, carry on" but anything negotiated goes. If you ever play at an event, the DM will ask if you use safe words or if "no" means no and will watch and listen to make sure you're obeyed as a bottom. Tops can use safe words, for what it's worth.
When gagged or tied or encased in latex or taking a really serious whipping or doing more intense play, holding a handkerchief or stuffed animal or whatever makes a good sign. Dropping it is "red" or "stop now", sometimes waving it can mean "yellow". This is pretty advanced stuff but works well in practice. If the bottom spaces enough or passes out, the hanky drops and the system works.
No safe word ==> just use regular words. Can't talk? Use a prop. Not having some way to say "stop"? Crazy.
I have a safe word, I have it for a reason. A new play partner didn’t like it, thought he’d forget and said I had to use the universal red.
I agreed.
Never again will anyone change my safe word.
I ended up seeking medical attention because of it. I couldn’t stop play as I couldn’t remember Red!!! All I kept thinking was he’d changed it but what to???
He didn’t read my body language either.
I don’t blame him, I blame me. I may be submissive but giving away my safe word was idiotic. All my fault.
Quote by Jennifer102 I have a safe word, I have it for a reason. A new play partner didn’t like it, thought he’d forget and said I had to use the universal red.
I agreed.
Never again will anyone change my safe word.
I ended up seeking medical attention because of it. I couldn’t stop play as I couldn’t remember Red!!! All I kept thinking was he’d changed it but what to???
He didn’t read my body language either.
I don’t blame him, I blame me. I may be submissive but giving away my safe word was idiotic. All my fault.
Safe words keep you and your partner safe.
Well now I have issues with that.
Firstly, if you can't remember red but you can remember "Pineapple" damn well shout "Pineapple!" and keep shouting it.
Safe words are there for a reason, you can never have enough of them.
As for not reading your body language that's a straight up fail for me. A dominant has to read your body language, and stop regularly to check you're ok. If they don't they're just a selfish jerk and don't deserve your submission.
Your Dominant has a duty to protect you and themselves, if they forget that duty they either need to retrain to remember it or stop playing with you until they get their shit together.
You as a submissive have a duty to yourself too, I know sub space is seductive and I know it can be really hard to be the one who stops play. But come on girl, always back yourself. This is your body we're talking about, roles be damned. Scream every word you can think of apart from Green and things always come to a stop. When I was a submissive I knew that anything that was done to me, I had to fully consent to it. Before, during and after the event. Anything less was just abuse. So I made damn sure the Dominant knew my limits, and knew when I wanted them to slow the fuck down.
I'd use a yellow at the half way point to make them check in with me to make sure they knew I wasn't a piece of furniture.
I can be rough when I need to be, but not when my play partner isn't getting at least as much out of it as I am.
I've stopped well before the subs limit because I didn't feel they were enjoying it enough.
As a Dominant I have to respect my subs free choice, but I also have to know when to trust my instincts that they're just trying to please me and aren't really enjoying play.
I'd say there's room for you both to improve. Never surrender your safe words girl and make sure the Dominant heeds them.
If they don't, play stops and if it doesn't stop right away, report them.
I know I did in my past, some people never take RED nicely.
Whatever was posted is always meant in love and respect never to offend.
I'm also highly likely to have posted this from a phone so there may be typos or odd word changes, auto correct can be a pain.
I've been listening to my kinky pencil here's my current work
