I have not always been the Master, Dominate and Daddy Dom I am today. It’s been a journey, a transformation. Not of who I am, but a realization of whom I’ve always been, of who has been inside me all along. It was pointed out to me, at first, by a friend, a submissive. By sending me various articles and research, she showed me that I was a Dominate. This helped me understand who and what I was, but I had no idea what to do with the knowledge or how to handle it.
Through circumstances I won’t expand upon at this time, I was steered toward a Maestro for training in the lifestyle. I learned a lot in a relatively short period of time. I learned that to be a good Master, one needs to understand the submissive. To truly understand a submissive, it is optimal to take the roll of a submissive. As a student, I submitted to my Teacher. I studied and I learned. Today, I am Master to my baby girl, Nordic_Pixie. Even with all the training, I am still learning. She teaches me daily about submissives and their needs. She makes me extremely happy as a Master.
With all this, there is still more I yearn for. When in chatrooms with my baby girl, I observe and learn more. I watch the people and the conversations. There is much to see, ones that are lonesome looking for a connection and some that are players looking for their next orgasm. There are those interested in kinky sex both giving and receiving and there are the role-playing Doms and subs that are just playing the BDSM game. And, of course, there are the true Dominates and submissives.
All are good in their own right, but there is a problem I keep seeing within the BDSM realm. Being Dominate comes with a great deal of responsibility. If you have been gifted the submission of a slave, sub or little, you need to cherish it, know it is a gift and that it can be taken away at any time. The true power in a BDSM relationship is in the ability to retract one’s submission. Therefore, the power is and always will be in the hands of the sub. In most cases, it is also the sub that sets the limits in the relationship.
When submitting, the submissive gives the Dominate the power to destroy his or hers very being and, at the same time, trusting that the Dom does not. As I observe these rooms, I feel a deep need to support and help others to live responsibly in BDSM if this is the path chosen. One should know there is a fine line between a BDSM lifestyle and abuse. Because of the mere definition of BDSM, sadly it draws abusers.
After saying this and with what I have seen, I would like to advocate for a responsible BDSM lifestyle to those who want to live within it, offering to stand up for those in need and to help educate those that would desire to know more. I’d like to act, either as an individual or with others to help answer questions, make suggestions or guide a person to a better understanding of BDSM. My hope is that all participating in BDSM are educated in the difference between true BDSM and abuse and understand the responsibility that comes with the lifestyle.
I invite all thoughts, ideas, counter points and questions.
What do you say to those who when they wish to reach out and join the BDSM community, seek a dominant that is abusive, that is humiliating. There are submissives out there who wish to be treated as such, to be controlled in every aspect of life..belittled, humiliated, etc and to have the opportunity to look up at their dominant and know that their life has meaning if in service of the dom. Would you consider this person as one who seeks to be a part of the BDSM community albeit on the hardcore edge of things or does this person seek something else totally?
There always seems to be a certain struggle about what kinds of behavior may be labeled, "BDSM". I think that for many, the label carries a cachet that they want, an exclusivity, that compels them to draw boundaries and define what is in and what is out. Compare a BDSM lifestyle to motorcycle ownership. You will find a group of motorcycle owners who insist that if you are not riding a Harley-Davidson, you are a poser. If you said something about motorcycles to some who are not riders, the vision that springs into their minds is of a horde of Hell's Angels riding by with loud motorcycles with no fenders and "ape-hanger" handlebars, intimidating every car they pass. Then there are all of the baby-boomers who wanted motorcycles when they were young, and now can finally afford them. They ride on weekends, and like to wear leather and bandannas. Or they have fully decked out Honda Gold Wings, with heated seats, handlebar grips, satellite radio, nav system, a reverse gear, and now, even an airbag! There is the 20-something on the Japanese bike blasting down the freeway at some incredible speed, wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. Which of these is not a motorcyclist?
So, where, northern_son, is your line drawn? If my GF and I sometimes enjoy blindfolding and tying each other to the bedposts, are we into BDSM, or must I make her wear a collar and chain and eat out of a dog bowl?
Relationships are relationships. There is nothing about a "BDSM" relationship that intrinsically makes it any "deeper" than any other relationship. Anyone who is seriously in a relationship has an obligation of some kind to his partner. What is so special about a D/s commitment? How does it compare to the commitment of someone caring for a partner with Alzheimer's, or MS, or cancer? How much does that person endeavor to "learn" how best to care for his/her afflicted partner? How dependent is that partner on the care of the other?
As for who is a Master or sub and who is not one, there are many who would love to have some kind of certifying body that offers an exam, both written and physical. A candidate would have to pass a written test, then demonstrate his skills with whips and ropes. Each candidate would have had to complete some kind of training and initiation, like a Geisha, or a Karate Black Belt.
People form relationships. They select behaviors that they find mutually satisfying, and have at it. Sometimes a relationship works, sometimes it doesn't. Hanging the BDSM label on it does not affect the outcome.
So what is the point in using the term, "BDSM"? It serves a very useful purpose to help people understand that a certain set of behaviors is being discussed. If a couple meet and one says to the other, "I am into BDSM." it is the same as if he/she said, "I am into camping.", or, "I am into motorcycling." It provides a basis for discussion and a loose frame of reference. If a woman says to me that she is interested in BDSM, she will be much more appealing to me than she would be if she said she was interested in camping or ballroom dancing or kayaking.
And how the relationship works out will be similar to how any relationship works out. "Look, I think you are really a pretty great man/woman, but I intend to be on my motorcycle every opportunity, and I just do not think you are as into it as I want my partner to be." or, "Hey, it is supposed to be nice Sunday, and the motorcycle is gathering dust in the garage. Want to go for a cruise?"
There does not seem to be any point to me in trying to put some one-size-fits-all boundary around BDSM. Find someone who likes what you like, about the same amount that you like it. Make some adjustments if that person seems to be worth adjusting for. If not, go find somebody else, and don't get lost in some arbitrary boundary.
I completely agree that living the lifestyle responsibly is an important issue. As a sub, I know first-hand how emotionally vulnerable you leave yourself when you submit. A Dom not understanding or caring about the responsibility that comes with having a sub, can do great damage, both physically and emotionally.
On a site like this, we all know there are only a few genuine Doms and subs. Most are role-players or just after a quick cyber-session, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as people are honest about their intentions. I have seen many hurt though, having been mislead, believing they are dealing with a true Dom or sub. I want to urge people to be careful before entering into any sort of D/s relationship, learn a lot about the lifestyle first, get to know the person in question well before moving forward.
My two cents of advice would be; As a sub, please be careful who you submit to before doing so and understand what it really means to submit. As a Dom, please make sure the sub is a good fit for you and understand the responsibility that comes with having a sub before you accept the submission.
I enjoyed your forum post. It touches on a great deal of observations I've made in chat rooms and on sites as well. I have learned many lessons from those "poor form" observations, as well as when it's done well. I agree whole heartedly with all you've said, and thanks for sharing. The quote from the Spider-Man movie, "With great power comes great responsibility" comes to mind. The responsibility is huge and the basis everything rests upon. The power is granted conditionally by the sub. How responsible you are wielding that power is a condition. There is a trust that the gift will be used properly and as agreed. In any relationship, roles, responsibilities, and boundaries are negotiated. It think it would be tough for two strangers to know each other's needs and desires, but it's not to say fun can't be had in cyber chat. Great read. Be well.
I am glad this forum was made, insight ( good expressive insight) is needed. Everyone still learns daily and when offered information that can be exchanged with thoughts and guidance, without judgment will effectively create more aware and responsible Dominants and subs/littles.
I have been wallowing on my response to this forum post.... and I will continue to do so... in the mean time I leave you all with these other informational sites on the lifestyle of bdsm... warning many are very explicit but it would help many understand some of the underlining of this forum thread
Ambrosio’s BDSM Site- A good source for BDSM informational resources.
APEX - Albany Power Exchange- Albany Power Exchange - Event and informational resource. Essays and other resources for BDSM and power exchange relationships.
BDSM Backroom- Library has an extensive list of essays and how-to’s.
Born Slaves- An interesting set of essays dealing with being a slave.
Internal Enslavement- From IE: “Internal Enslavement is a radical answer to the question ‘Just how binding and complete can consensual slavery really be?’ “
Find A Munch - The Munch+Adult Local Link (MALL) Directory- A large and comprehensive resource to locate links to and descriptions of adult locality-based adult social groups and gatherings.
Leather-n-Roses- A large collection of D/s, M/s and BDSM essays and other resources.
Leatherviews- Jack Rinella’s web site with some great essays under the “Kinky Info” tab.
Peter Masters- Mr. Master’s writings on Hypnosis, Mastery & slavery, and Dominance & submission. Includes a number of practical how-to guides for techniques and BDSM practices.
Submissive Loving- A source for submissives and dominants interested in learning more about BDSM and the Domination/submission lifestyle. This site’s mission is to provide helpful, sound, and realistic information and advice.
Submissive Guide- Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration. This site is dedicated to helping submissives understand themselves and the service they wish to provide; from sexual to domestic, personal assistant to pain slut and everything in between.
The Society of Janus- The Society of Janus is a San Francisco-based support and education organization for people interested in learning about BDSM. SOJ provides an opportunity to meet others with similar interests in a safe, relaxed atmosphere. They have only one cardinal rule: All BDSM activities can and should be safe, consensual, and non-exploitative.
The Eulenspiegel Society- The oldest and largest BDSM support & education group in the USA
The Iron Gate- A large collection of essays, links, stories and poetry
I am glad to see the offer of help. I see relationships, regardless of the name you attach to them or label you put on them, as a sort of dynamic, some kind of exchange.
Straight from Oxford Dictionaries: dynamic—(n) A force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process. Its origin is early 19th century (as a term in physics): from French dynamique, from Greek dunamikos, from dunamis 'power'.
A BDSM relationship is a true dynamic. For the sub or baby girl it is a complete and total giving of one’s self to another that is immensely freeing, a sense of truly being seen. It is a trust unlike any other with the power to destroy. Many people here that claim to be a “Dom” or a “Master” don’t understand that or just how precious it is to see someone completely and totally naked. The level of trust and of self, the sub is giving to that person is beyond words. So…I am happy to see someone offering to help explain this and guide those who desire it, bringing a better understanding of what being a Dom or Master actually is.
To the submissives here, please understand this basic concept... YOU have power over your Dom/Master/Daddy.
Have heard of the term "Safe, Sane, Consensul"? You should have if you are int he lifestyle, It is the motto for the bdsm and D/s community. You have a right to be safe. You have the right to not participate in an activity which would damage you emotionally, physically, or socially. You have the right to say "no" to ANYTHING. If you run across anyone who appears to think you do not have those rights....RUN!!!
Excellent topic. I've thought a lot about how I relate to my sub gf and how to be a good dominant. For me, personally, domming is an expansion of love, whether platonic or romantic. You have to know your sub, be their friend, above anything else. You have to listen, and communicate, because you're both just people in the end. It is incredibly important to take criticism, because despite your role you're a human being and can mess up.
I'm hardly a 24/7 domme and don't really see my BDSM as a lifestyle, but I do feel some incredible connections when I dom my gf. It's moments like that that drive me to improve as a domme for her.
To those who caution about pretend and inexperienced Doms and subs, I would remind you that we must all be beginners before we can be pros. Lush seems like an excellent place to start to learn some of those skills that make a D/s relationship meaningful. Some will read "50 Shades of Gray" and think they would like to give it a try. Two weeks later they realize that D/s does not suit them at all! Though it can be frustrating, I am fine with that. Similarly, given the extremely wide range of fetishes and D/s relationship models, it may take both new Doms and new subs some time and exploration to understand what kind of relationship they want. And just like when we started dating, we may have lots of meaningless relationships before we finally figure out what we want in a partner. If you consider divorce rates, we as a society are still figuring that out long after HS and college.
I feel some compassion for vulnerable women, and I am not particularly interested in taking advantage of them, but I do not think there is some need to protect them. There will always be people who want to take advantage of others, Doms and subs. The sooner we learn that, the better we will be able to make more informed decisions about future potential relationships. If there were some way to protect a vulnerable woman, she would just be locked in her vulnerability. Whether in a vanilla relationship or a D/s relationship, there is always the possibility of being hurt. At some point or another, we almost have to expose our hearts if we want a deep and satisfying relationship. If you have never been hurt by love, I wonder if you are not lying about your age to get on the site in the first place!
Also remember that the "SM in "BDSM" stands for Sadism and Masochism. If a Dom wants to be abusive, and a sub does not, both have the wrong partner. And if an asshole wants to pretend he is a Dom and treat someone badly, he does so because he is an asshole, not because he is a wannabe Dom.
Finally, I love D/s relationships, but I think it is elitest and self-serving to claim that there is somehow something "more" with a D/s relationship than is possible in any other relationship. I am reminded of the joke about St. Peter showing a new arrival around heaven.
All around them were people of all races and religions singing and enjoying heaven. Then they came to a window that looked into a large room filled with people.
"Who are these people?" the newcomer asked.
"Shhhh!" St. Peter said. "Those are (insert the name of a religion here). They think they are the only ones here!"
In my view, you protect the vulnerable, period... I dont understand not caring about and protecting all parties involved. The very act of BDSM is dangerous to the uninformed. Thats where abuse is possible
here is a list of references I have come accross, I have not read but one of them... but there is plenty of written works out there to help
BOOKS:
General BDSM
Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex
by Gloria G. Brame, Fireside
Consensual Sadomasochism: How To Talk About It and Do It Safely
by William A. Henkin, PhD. & Sybil Holliday, CCSSE, Daedalus Publishing
Different Loving
by Gloria Brame, Job Jacobs & Jon Brame, Villard Books
Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking
by Race Bannon, Daedalus Publishing. Out of print, no Kindle
The New Bottoming Book
by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press
The New Topping Book
by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
by Philip Miller & Molly Devon, Mystic Rose Books
Sensuous Magic
by Pat Califia, Cleis Press. On Kindle, but out of print
SM 101
by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press
--------------
Dominance and Submission
Becoming a Slave
by Jack Rinella, Rinella Editorial Services
Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus
by Christina Abernathy, Greenery Press
The Loving Dominant
by John Warren, Greenery Press. No Kindle
The Mistress Manual: the Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance
by Lorelei, Greenery Press
Partners in Power
by Jack Rinella, Greenery Press
The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners
by Lady Green, Greenery Press
Protocols: A Variety of Views
by Robert Rubel, PhD,
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Impact Play
The Compleat Spanker
by Lady Green, Greenery Press. No Kindle
Flogging
by Joseph Bean, Greenery Press
Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning
by Janet Hardy, Greenery Press
Bondage
Erotic Bondage Handbook
by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage
by Midori, Greenery Press. No Kindle
Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage
by Lee Bridgett Harrington, Mystic Productions No Kindle
Back on the Ropes
by Two Knotty Boys, Green Candy Press
LGBTIQ
Coming to Power: Writing and Graphics on Lesbian SM
by Samois, Allyson. Out of print and no Kindle
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and Serious Player
by Joseph Bean, Daedalus Publishing. No Kindle
Urban Aboriginals: The Celebration of Leather Sexuality
by Geoff Manes, Daedalus Publishing. No Kindle
Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men
by Bill Brent, Cleis Press
The Master’s Manual
by Jack Rinella, Daedalus Publishing. No Kindle
Miscellaneous
Anal Pleasure and Health: Guide for Men, Women and Couples
by Dr. Jack Morin, Down There Press
The Ethical Slut
by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press
The Family Jewels
by Hardy Haberman, Greenery Press
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
by Deborah Addington,
Greenery Press. No Kindle
LeatherFolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice
by Mark Thompson, Daedalus. No Kindle
Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
by Tristan Taormina, Cleis Press
When Someone you Love is Kinky
by Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst, Greenery Press
Healthcare Without Shame
by Charles Moser, Greenery Press. Out of print and no Kindle
Play Piercing
by Deborah Addington, Greenery Press
Perhaps first learn that Dominate is a verb and Dominant is a noun. I find this misuse everywhere.
THE FANTASY: Every dominant, everywhere, must always be addressed deferentially as "Sir" (or "Ma'am," if she is female), and possibly, obeyed as you would obey someone who actually owns you.
THE REALITY: Some dominants will hit you upside the head if you dare to address them in this way unless you know them really well. Not only does "Sir" assume a certain familiarity or the existence of a power exchange when none is actually there, but honest dominants do not want to be called by such a title unless they have, in your eyes, earned it.
THE FANTASY: A submissive who doesn't wear a collar is not a True Slave.
THE REALITY: True submissives are made by what they are inside, not by their (or their masters') BDSM fashion sense. A slave is someone who is owned by another--period. If her owner doesn't want her to wear a collar, that slave will not wear a collar, unless she's rankly disobedient.
THE FANTASY: A person who does really good cybersex, who is able to paint delicious erotic scenes with words, is in reality a wonderful dominant or submissive, with profound feelings and extensive experience.
THE REALITY: A person who does really good cybersex, who is able to paint delicious erotic scenes with words, is simply a good or an imaginative writer. To believe otherwise is the same as believing that an actor is in real life the same personality he or she plays on the screen. In actuality a superb BDSM cyberscener may be as vanilla as they get. Or he may be a cop. You will not know anything about such people, you cannot know what they are really like, by watching them spin pretty scenes. You have to get beyond their words, somehow see more of what they're really like. This involves talking to them on the phone. This involves meeting them in real life. At the very least, this involves observing them carefully over a long period of time and questioning them extensively about their real feelings on sexual and other issues.
Moving From Fantasy To Reality
I never meant to imply that a D/s relationship is better than a well-functioning vanilla relationship. A great relationship is a great relationship, whatever "category" it may be placed within.
Of course you leave yourself vulnerable in an relationship where you truly connect and open up to another person. It is impossible to enter any form of meaningful relationship and guarantee you won't get hurt. I will however, based on personal experience with both vanilla and D/s-relationships, stand by than for the most part subs leave themselves extra vulnerable. The reason I think so, is that a sub usually gives over more control to her/his partner than someone does in a vanilla relationship. By control in this context I mean things like structuring of every day life, tasks given etc. The emotional hurt can be the same from any type of relationship, but it is easier for a sub to "spin out of control" as they are relying more on their partner. (I am not saying you don't rely on your partner in other forms of relationships, of course you do, but the whole point within D/s is that more control is given over than in other relationships).
Yes, I have been hurt before and I have learned a lot from it, good and bad. Has it left me more guarded? In some ways yes, and from learning and experiencing you are better equipped to deal with things you go through in the future, but you are also left with some scares that might never go totally away. We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. We all need to crawl before we can walk, walk before we can run. I see again and again tho those wanting to run before they can even crawl, not being honest with themselves or others where they are at in "their development". Honesty is the key I think in most circumstances. Of course there are some that are just pure abusers and they are often extra attracted to a BDSM lifestyle as it can be easier to "hide" abuse there, but that is really a whole other topic in itself.
