Some background, married for more than 25 years and now empty nesters. I had suffered for addiction for a number of years that resulted in our separation for about a year. During my recovery (more than a year sober now and holding quite well) we started work on reconciliation. During this time I discovered my wife was hiding a friendship with a man. I found out when snooping on her cell phone. She was confronted with this; she proclaimed it was nothing more than friendship. Accepting of this and expressing my thought if its only friendship there should be no need to hide something like this. We moved on and have since stating living together again.
I have cheated and been caught, through recovery I have committed that it would not happen again and realize it’s a behaviour of selfishness attributed to the addiction. To my knowledge she has not cheated in the past. We have had a brief experience with a MMF with one other man; she now states that it won’t happen again. I believe sexual monogamy is not a realistic, emotionally exclusive but not sexually, this only works when each half of the relationship agrees.
Now I have found out this friendship has continued and is actively being concealed from me. This resulted in my investigations in to how much contact they have. I cannot prove infidelity but I have connected enough of the dots to discover missing hours of her whereabouts here and there, even since we have started living together.
Questions, 1) should I confront the situation and state I am OK with the friendship (FWB or otherwise)? 2) Continue as thou I am not aware of the current situation and embark and a considered effort to eavesdrop to either prove or disprove of infidelity? 3) Are her actions by hiding the friendship be considered cheating?
It should be noted I am not concerned about her taking on a FWB and have encouraged it in the past. I only would like knowledge its happening, she knows this as well. If the guys want to wade into the discussion please fell free.
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Wife’s secret friendship with a man.
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My perspective (your mileage my vary):
I don't understand your concerns with your partner having friends of the opposite gender. LOML has friends of both genders. They go along with her interests (some of which, I don't share). I do not feel the need to know about these. Even should she be attracted to some of the men, I trust her. I think that is is unrealistic and sexist to insist that your partner have no interaction with the opposite gender. Currently, my closest friend other than LOML is a woman. It doesn't mean I am cheating (I am not). Maybe she hides it as she is concerned how you will react. In my opinion, you need to learn to trust and let go. You can only control yourself.
I don't understand your concerns with your partner having friends of the opposite gender. LOML has friends of both genders. They go along with her interests (some of which, I don't share). I do not feel the need to know about these. Even should she be attracted to some of the men, I trust her. I think that is is unrealistic and sexist to insist that your partner have no interaction with the opposite gender. Currently, my closest friend other than LOML is a woman. It doesn't mean I am cheating (I am not). Maybe she hides it as she is concerned how you will react. In my opinion, you need to learn to trust and let go. You can only control yourself.
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So, let me get this straight. You have had extramarital sex and been caught. Through snooping on your wife, you have discovered that she has a male friend. You are an addict. You are not sold on monogamy. You are jealous and possessive. My analysis? She deserves better. Tell her that you are through being the anchor around her neck. Wish her luck.
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You have cheated and found an excuse for your cheating, you have shared your wife with another and had no issue with that. You have indicated that Monogamy is unrealistic.
So what is the issue? You have already done what you fear she is going to do or maybe has done, whatever the reason.
I have been married for over 27 years and we have always lived an Open Life Style from day one.
Remember it is only sex so what is the big deal.
So what is the issue? You have already done what you fear she is going to do or maybe has done, whatever the reason.
I have been married for over 27 years and we have always lived an Open Life Style from day one.
Remember it is only sex so what is the big deal.
Active Ink Slinger
Did it again! Darn
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Quote by 69Kisses96
So, let me get this straight. You have had extramarital sex and been caught. Through snooping on your wife, you have discovered that she has a male friend. You are an addict. You are not sold on monogamy. You are jealous and possessive. My analysis? She deserves better. Tell her that you are through being the anchor around her neck. Wish her luck.
This.
Honestly, you're not selling yourself well here. If this is all true, you kinda sound like an asshole.
You're suspicious for (in my opinion) no good reason. You're spying on her! How would you feel if it turns out to be (probably is) an innocent, platonic friendship?
Advanced Wordsmith
First off, congrats on your recovery. Tough thing to do, but keep it up.
As to your relationship -- you guys really need to talk this one out. She apparently feels the need to try to keep this secret from you; you apparently feel the need for validation of your suspicions. Combined, that's almost certainly going to lead to conflict and heartbreak.
Look, she knows you far better than anyone here does. Maybe she's guilty about what went on (if anything did...) while you were apart. Maybe she's afraid of how you will react. She may not be finding the emotional support she needs at home. She could be miffed that you won't believe her when she tells you there's nothing to the relationship, and yet you continue to invade her privacy. Perhaps you may not fully accept the pull impact that your years of addiction may have had on her. Maybe since your recovery, she finds you a much different man than she's known for so long. The list could go on forever. Only she can answer these questions, and you need to be willing to accept the answers.
Hope it works out for you both, either together or apart.
As to your relationship -- you guys really need to talk this one out. She apparently feels the need to try to keep this secret from you; you apparently feel the need for validation of your suspicions. Combined, that's almost certainly going to lead to conflict and heartbreak.
Look, she knows you far better than anyone here does. Maybe she's guilty about what went on (if anything did...) while you were apart. Maybe she's afraid of how you will react. She may not be finding the emotional support she needs at home. She could be miffed that you won't believe her when she tells you there's nothing to the relationship, and yet you continue to invade her privacy. Perhaps you may not fully accept the pull impact that your years of addiction may have had on her. Maybe since your recovery, she finds you a much different man than she's known for so long. The list could go on forever. Only she can answer these questions, and you need to be willing to accept the answers.
Hope it works out for you both, either together or apart.
OK for a little update.
I made a decision to contact the “guy” on Monday afternoon; I came right out and asked him if he was having an “emotional affair” with my wife. (My wife was on a plane and could not be contacted at the time this was happening) as could be expected complete denial, that this was only a friendship. For some reason I believed this explanation, feeling relief it was only my imagination getting the better of me, I was satisfied nothing was going on. Then the bomb shell, he called me back and spilled the beans; yes it was an affair and more than emotional. For the last 4 months (coinciding with my moving home) they have been meeting up about once a week. Wow, very interesting, I thanked him for the honesty. (he is telling the truth) Told him if he contacted my wife again his spouse would be made aware of this situation, actually even if he did contact her again I wouldn’t tell his wife, it would not change anything for me.
Now Monday evening the same questions was asked of my wife. Denial plan and simple, I presented the text and cell phone records. (One occasion being a New Year’s Eve exchange of 22 text messages in the first 15 minutes of 2017.) Still complete denial. She has contacted the cell provider stating these are errors on the records; she is adamant the records are false, they have opened and investigation. Her actions would build and case for plausible deniability if I were still in the dark about what really happened.
At the end of the day I could get over the sex outside of the marriage. When I did it was only that, sex, adult fun. The women were also married and for them it was the same, adult fun. There is sex (good or bad) and then there is love making. Like I said before monogamy is not realistic, what is realistic is commitment between two loving people that builds a life, a legacy for our children and grandchildren, a safe home for them and us, today and in the future. What I did was wrong and done during my active alcohol use, carless and selfish to the core. I objectified my wife and for that and I have made amends to her. Now the substituted reality that my wife is presenting is a problem. Will I forgive her? Yes in a heartbeat, even after this latest deception.
Now the last question, what if she doesn’t come clean?
I made a decision to contact the “guy” on Monday afternoon; I came right out and asked him if he was having an “emotional affair” with my wife. (My wife was on a plane and could not be contacted at the time this was happening) as could be expected complete denial, that this was only a friendship. For some reason I believed this explanation, feeling relief it was only my imagination getting the better of me, I was satisfied nothing was going on. Then the bomb shell, he called me back and spilled the beans; yes it was an affair and more than emotional. For the last 4 months (coinciding with my moving home) they have been meeting up about once a week. Wow, very interesting, I thanked him for the honesty. (he is telling the truth) Told him if he contacted my wife again his spouse would be made aware of this situation, actually even if he did contact her again I wouldn’t tell his wife, it would not change anything for me.
Now Monday evening the same questions was asked of my wife. Denial plan and simple, I presented the text and cell phone records. (One occasion being a New Year’s Eve exchange of 22 text messages in the first 15 minutes of 2017.) Still complete denial. She has contacted the cell provider stating these are errors on the records; she is adamant the records are false, they have opened and investigation. Her actions would build and case for plausible deniability if I were still in the dark about what really happened.
At the end of the day I could get over the sex outside of the marriage. When I did it was only that, sex, adult fun. The women were also married and for them it was the same, adult fun. There is sex (good or bad) and then there is love making. Like I said before monogamy is not realistic, what is realistic is commitment between two loving people that builds a life, a legacy for our children and grandchildren, a safe home for them and us, today and in the future. What I did was wrong and done during my active alcohol use, carless and selfish to the core. I objectified my wife and for that and I have made amends to her. Now the substituted reality that my wife is presenting is a problem. Will I forgive her? Yes in a heartbeat, even after this latest deception.
Now the last question, what if she doesn’t come clean?
Rookie Scribe
U gotta take the high road. ..just see what happens when she talks to him
Quote by browncoffee
This.
Honestly, you're not selling yourself well here. If this is all true, you kinda sound like an asshole.
You're suspicious for (in my opinion) no good reason. You're spying on her! How would you feel if it turns out to be (probably is) an innocent, platonic friendship?
This...Especially the part in bold.
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Please check out my new story, co-written with the amazing Wilful.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx
And my latest poem, The Temptation.
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
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Quote by SparrkyKV
Now the last question, what if she doesn’t come clean?
how can she not come clean? if the guy's admitted, why haven't you told her this? if you're so hellbent on having her admit, why not invite him over and you can all have a happy discussion. who knows, he might even bring HIS wife and then you can have a wonderful time.
and stop with the cell phone records. what are you, the CIA?
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Quote by browncoffee
This.
Honestly, you're not selling yourself well here. If this is all true, you kinda sound like an asshole.
You're suspicious for (in my opinion) no good reason. You're spying on her! How would you feel if it turns out to be (probably is) an innocent, platonic friendship?
Check that. You cheated on her. You then somehow connect this to your chemical addiction, by default blaming her. You now consider yourself "recovered"--at just one year. You think it's okay to "snoop" on her freaking cell phone, and you actively chose to do so, garnering information that really had no temporal relevance.
Now you've contacted a stranger, seeking what? Pity? You even did it during a time when you knew that your wife, who presumably has supported you financially through all of the hot mess that makes up you and your life, would be incommunicado. And now you're wondering what to do if she doesn't "come clean"? Seriously?
Your wife is a far more patient, tolerant, understanding, and kind woman than you, sir, deserve to have in your life. Me, I would've kicked you to the curb the moment you announced that your cheating was totally excusable because of your chemical addiction. Then I would've thrown the rubbish cans at you just for grins.
You do not deserve your wife, and she does not deserve to have you inflicted upon her as you merrily celebrate your "recovery" whilst essentially cyberstalking her every move. She owes you nothing. Nothing at all.
Really, you're like a whiny barnacle (if barnacles could whine) attached to the underside of a yacht--comfortable and quite dead if pried off.
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