I also apologise for how much I'm writing - it just comes out. I will put the important bits in big writing at the bottom so you can choose whether or not to read the rest of the waffle.
And if you don't like sad people, consider yourself warned!
The Background:
Talking about sex (rather than listening to people talk to each other) is very, very new to me. I was brought up in a particular way, and I never had chance to experience anything for myself until the last couple of years. I'm always getting told off for innuendos, but in reality, I don't really know my areole from my anus (and I don't know if I used the correct form of "areole"!). I joined Lush because I was curious and wanted to learn and ask stuff, which I've started doing.
I read a few stories, and wondered if people would like to read a couple of my memories. It turned out they did a bit, and usually up for a challenge and to stretch what skills I might have, I branched out a little and wrote a story purely from my imagination. I gained a bit of confidence afterwards, because whilst I found it difficult to write about something I have never experienced, it was good to try and make my brain imagine things.
After asking for some constructive criticism on the three stories I had written, I was told that they were very "vanilla" as far as Lush goes, which is true. I decided I wanted to attempt thinking more like I think other Lush readers might think. If you know what I mean.
I did manage to roll that story out, and when I read it back to myself, I could see one character playing out my exact writing process during the story! It was quite amusing to me, in a way.
Where I Am Now:
More recently, I thought I needed to try and put my squeamishness and embarassment aside, and really try to meet some of the most common "tastes" of Lush readers, purely in an exercise to see if I had the ability. There is one particular subject I just cannot reconcile within myself, although I can sort of understand why other people might like it. But that one was out, although I played around with the implications of the relationships of certain characters for the less-observant.
I chose to go with three particular aspects that I have noticed Lush readers like, and I tried to fit those elements within my story. As I wrote the story, I really struggled with "getting inside" those elements. I do have an overactive imagination, and my emotions are very directly linked to it. I actually found myself feeling physically sick over a couple of them.
There are a few things going on in my life at the moment that make certain things very difficult to deal with, but I really wanted to try and meet this challenge to myself. Normally when I write, I sit down, and I write. Sometimes a thought will have taken shape in my mind, and grows, and other times it just rolls out from no where. But this time, I had to really force myself to think about it, and the process was very long (compared to what I am used to).
I found, during this writing process, that I felt both ashamed and sickened at myself. This is partly, I'm sure, due to how I was brought up, but also because morally, in my own mind, there are certain things one does not do, and characters within my story did. I worried and worried about the story, finally losing sight of why I was even doing it - I guess I wanted to prove something to myself, but I'm no longer sure what.
This Morning:
After submitting my story last night, I checked in this morning to find the story had been rejected. I was absolutely gutted. I had, stupidly, managed to break site rules. I feel like a complete piece of poo, partly because I forced somebody to read something that would never make it to publishing anyway, and partly because I can't believe I was capable of writing stuff like that. All I've done is dwell on it for days in a negative sense, and I now feel incapable of getting past it (like I said, there are other things going on, I know this shouldn't be such a big deal). To some people, it may seem pretty tame and a ridiculous thing to get upset over. Others might feel as I do about. But either way, I feel like poo.
Here is what I would like to know from you, if you want to share:
Have you ever written anything you were ashamed of?
Why?
If so, how (if at all) has it shaped your writing and/or your writing process?
If a story gets rejected, do you work on it until it gets accepted, or put it aside under "unfortunate" or for later work? Or does it depend on what the reason was as to how you deal with it?
Thank you very, very much for your time, and if you actually read all that crap, blimey, well done! Big Gold Star for YOU!
Love Daisy.
That sounds brilliant! Thank you very much for your reply. 
good luck, i'm excited to read your gingerbread fisherman stories, or whatever! 
