Monday 24th December 2018, late evening

It was about ten P.M. and Jill and I had just finished a FaceTime call with John, Becky, and our still not sleepy little granddaughter Julia. I’d just poured us each a drink and we were snuggled on the sofa discussing what we’d seen and heard on the call when suddenly there was a very loud and angry banging sound on our front door.

Making a small crack in the curtain I was surprised to see our good friend Callan, Jill’s college ex and now recently divorced, still rapping hard on the door – as if he’d not made enough noise already.

Thinking Callan must be facing some kind of emergency and in need of our help, I leaped up and raced to the door. As I opened the door I was immediately confused, because his face was a picture of anger not panic. The look of anger becoming more marked and ingrained as he saw it was me not Jill answering the door.

“You bastard. You fucking bastard, Dave. Make yourself out to be such a nice guy, the whole nice guy routine. You’re a fucking bastard. You’ve ruined my life, you bastard.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about, Callan?” I responded with my own anger welling up, mixing with my utter sense of confusion.

“Don’t play the innocent with me, Dave. You know damned well what I’m talking about,” he snarled at me.

By now Callan’s shouting and the general commotion had drawn Jill from the lounge to stand by my side, her face confused at what was happening.

“The letter, the fucking letter, Dave. Back in college, the one I gave to Naomi, the letter for Jill telling her how I felt about her and how I wanted her back, loved her, and wanted to marry her.”

Jill was now looking even more confused – all these references to a letter that we all seemed to know about but about which she’d never heard before.

“It all makes sense now. All makes sense. It was Naomi and Charlotte who worked it out, the only way it could have gone down. Me giving the letter to Naomi, Jill out, and you all by yourself there waiting for Jill. Naomi put the letter on Jill’s bed, on her pillow where she couldn’t miss it. And as Jill’s never mentioned that letter to Naomi, Charlotte, or me in all these years, the only thing that makes sense is that you took the letter so Jill would never read it, afraid we might get back together and you’d lose her to me.”

He’d spat every word of his accusation with venom and bile, a look of pure hatred on his face, and now he was finished and there was a terrible silence between the three of us. Callan had said his piece, the storm temporarily blown out, seemingly waiting for my response. Jill was stood to my left, quiet as she no doubt processed the huge shock she’d just received.

The silence remained between us like a deadening blanket on my soul, my heart filled with a sinking feeling while my brain tried to re-boot and generate a way out of this mess. To find words and an explanation that would pass muster and not clash with the look on my face, a face that had never been able to bluff or mislead convincingly.

Even though she was the one who had most catching up to do, maybe it was inevitable that Jill would be the first one to speak. After all, she was the fulcrum in this whole sad secret that had lain undisturbed for twenty-five years.

“Is it true, David? Is it true that you took that letter, rather than giving it to me as it was mine?” There was an icy tone and pace to Jill’s voice, her use of my full name David only something she did when she was really angry at me, only heard maybe three times in our entire marriage.

I looked across at Jill, no longer caring that Callan was there. I knew that any half-truths or even hint of obfuscation or excuse-making would only make things infinitely worse.

Taking a deep breath, I knew what I had to do and say, knowing that what happened in the next few minutes could add an end-to-end fissure in a marriage already experiencing pressures that would have blown apart many a marriage.

“Yes, I did take it, Jill. Because I knew even then that I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. And I’m sorry, because you’re right, it was your letter, not mine to do anything with. I loved you so much and I knew how much he’d hurt you, and that’s why I did what I did. ‘All’s fair in love and war’ I loved you, and the way he’d treated you, breaking your heart, dumping you for Charlotte.”

As I spoke, I could feel myself reliving the anger and fear I had felt that night. The anger the Callan had the barefaced cheek to try and steal Jill from me after the way he had treated her and the fear that he may possibly succeed. I could feel the anger building to a crescendo as I finished my short speech.

Jill just stared at me, her eyes and face not moving even a millimeter, her eyes locked laser-like on mine. Still staring at me, she spoke without moving her head, her voice the same chilling icy sound as before. “Callan, can you please leave us, David and I have some talking to do.”

In the space of just a few moments Callan had gone from anger-fueled Tasmanian Devil to a becalmed spectator, Jill not even needing to look in his direction as he mumbled a quiet ‘sure, call you tomorrow.’ I’m sure he wasn’t as calm as his quiet response suggested, he was working out the best way to play it now he’d thrown his plastic explosive hand grenade right into the middle of my marriage.

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Jill led the way back to the lounge, even the pace and measure of her steps was chillingly controlled and intimidating. Back in the lounge, she sat back down in the same spot she’d occupied before – when we’d been chatting about our new granddaughter and her parents, all of which seemed a lifetime ago now.

I was heading for the spot next to her, where I’d been before, when with the merest flick of a wrist and point of a finger she indicated she didn’t want me next to her anymore, she wanted me in the armchair to her right. Close enough that I’d see the full extent of how she felt, but not so close that we’d be physically touching. Just another small sign of the whirlwind I knew I was about to reap.

With me now sat down where she wanted, she resumed the silent, unblinking stare treatment. Looking into those beautiful hazel eyes that I’d loved so long and shared so much with, I was frightened by the lack of warmth and emotion I now saw in eyes that were normally so loving and empathetic.

It was like I was transported all the way back twenty-five years, to those early days when Jill and I were dating, when I felt terribly insecure in our relationship. Wondering how a girl like Jill could ever be happy with me and love me.

The continuing silence was deafening, and after a few seconds, I couldn’t stand it, knowing I’d have to be the one to talk, even if every bone in my body told me this was a dumb thing to do.

“Jill, I know I did wrong. It’s the only secret I’ve ever kept from you over all our years together. You have to remember how it was back then. How hurt you were, how you were only just starting to open up again after Callan crushed you, learning to let others back into your life, into your heart. I knew I loved you and wanted to spend my life with you, and so I did something dumb, because I was terrified of losing you. A young engineer, happy with numbers, but out of his depth and head over heels in love with you, frightened I’d lose you. And that’s the God’s honest truth, Jill. I know I did wrong, but please understand why I did it, so you can forgive me and we can get past this thing.”

Jill’s face had remained frighteningly impassive and mask-like as I’d offered up my heart and explanation. Slowly I started to see her lips move, knowing I both wanted to hear her words at the same time that I was terrified of what they might be.

“Dave,” at least she was calling me Dave again, “It’s just not that simple. Part of me wishes it was, but it’s just not.”

And then she paused, looking out of the window, looking into the distance and gathering her thoughts. I wanted so much to speak, to move things to some kind of conclusion for the sake of my sanity, but I knew Jill needed time to think and that I needed to respect this.

I’m not sure how long she was lost in the depths of her thoughts, but finally, she was back, looking at me again and ready to speak.

“What you did back then, well, it makes me question the whole foundation of what we’ve built together all these years. Question the foundation of our love and marriage. You were always my rock, my foundation. My Mr. Honest, Mr. Integrity. A role model for the kids we brought into the world, the guy on whom I could rely. The polar opposite of guys like Callan and Chris. Guys who, sure they were hot and offered passion and excitement, but deep down I knew they were flawed and not to be trusted, not the kind of guys to marry and build a life and a family with...”

Jill paused to take a breath, and I had a terrible painful feeling in the pit of my stomach as I was pretty sure I knew what was coming next.

“Dave, in some ways what I’ve discovered today doesn’t surprise me. I’ve always known, we’ve both always known that you never really felt confident that you’re good enough for me, that you're worthy enough for me. I’ve known that and I’ve lived with that for years. Hell, you and I both know that your insecurity is at the very core of the life we’ve been living this last year.”

I felt a lot more comforted by Jill’s words than I’d expected thirty seconds ago, but I could see as clear as day that there was a large but still written on Jill’s face, flashing and waving at me in extra-large neon letters. And I was hugely frightened of what that ‘but’ might be.

“Dave, but what you didn’t know, what Callan didn’t know was that I was pregnant. I was carrying his baby.”

I’d thought Callan’s actions had been incendiary and damaging. A hand grenade thrown into our marriage. But Jill’s words, the bombshell she’d just dropped were on a whole different scale.

To me, and probably to Jill, the whole world seemed to standstill.

A small nagging voice at the back of my head told me Jill’s revelation gave me leverage. It gave me a comeback for my own sin and error. A sin and error that I could paint as minor compared to the secret that Jill had kept locked away all these years. But a much louder voice told me I’d be a fool to use Jill’s secret in this way – that such a discussion would only end badly.

But my poker face is so lacking that Jill must have read something from my expression, because barely was the thought considered and rejected then Jill’s eyes were boring into mine. Any softness that had been in her voice from when she’d been discussing her unborn child soon banished as she second-guessed my thoughts.

“Really? You’d think to do that? To use my pregnancy to cover your own behavior?”

I was quiet, even without speaking we understood each other, her voice a half-octave more reasonable and less harsh having seen my confession in my eyes.

“This isn’t about keeping secrets, Dave. We’ve both kept secrets that maybe we should have brought out into the light many years ago. No, this is about respect. A respect I always thought you had for me, but which I now know was built on sand, our relationship starting out with a time when you didn’t respect and trust me enough to do the right thing, to let me make the choices about my life, at a time when you and me were barely ‘us’, just starting out.”

Hearing her accusation hurt like hell. Maybe she’d been wrong too, to keep her secret, but that didn’t make me feel any better, knowing how I’d hurt and disappointed the woman who I loved so much and who I’d always considered my soul mate and best friend. Wondering now if she’d ever see me in the same light again. Whether she’d still have me as her soul mate and best friend, or whether her feelings for me were now irretrievably damaged by a single large and stupid mistake from twenty-five years ago.

“Jill, honey. I’m so sorry. You’re right, maybe we both made mistakes. But that’s not the point to me. The point is I feel terrible about letting you down. Being that guy for you, I’ve always loved that. I loved being that person for you, and then you and me being those people for our kids, and now even our grandkids. And the thought that I’ve hurt you in any way, well, words can’t begin to describe how that leaves me feeling. Honey, I’m not going to try and explain or wheedle out of it, I’m just going to tell you how sorry I am, how much I love you and how much I’ll always strain every sinew in my being to be the best I can for you.”

“But being the best I can for you doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I wish I was, but I’m not, I made a huge mistake all those years ago, and it cuts me to the core to know how that hurts you, hurts you now and hurt you then.”

There were tears in Jill’s eyes, finally love and empathy returned as they normally were. There were certainly tears in my eyes as well.

Between her quiet sobs, Jill’s next words gave me both hope and fear. “Dave, I love you, and I’ll always love you. But what I’ve found out tonight … well … let’s just say it’s rocked me to my core … I still love you, Dave … but I have to do some serious thinking … and I can’t do that here … I really can’t ….”

Her last syllable wasn’t even out of her mouth before I had to jump in and divert the bus from where I thought it was going.

“… No, no, Jill … you can’t do that, please don’t do that … please don’t go to Malcolm’s while you think this through … I’m begging you. I’d die if I knew you were there, with him, when you’re working this all out.”

Not very manly, not very appealing or attractive, but at that moment of utter desperation I’d totally lost any self-control and the words just tumbled out, built letter by letter and sound by sound from all my worst nightmares, Jill being with Malcolm at a time when she was asking such fundamental questions about our marriage and relationship.

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What a way to start the Christmas period? Christmas Eve, December the twenty-fourth, and the mother of all arguments and bombshells.

Maybe mother of all arguments isn’t quite right. If Jill had shouted and screamed, ranted and raved then maybe I’d have felt a lot better about things, thinking the poison in the wound sucked out and that a slow healing process might commence. But Jill’s much calmer, more ‘I’m so disappointed in you, look at the damage you’ve done’ approach was infinitely more worrying than a Force Ten scream-fest would have been.

At least I had the small comfort of knowing she’d not gone to live full-time with Malcolm. Jill said she needed space to think and decide, but thankfully however upset she was with me she knew that moving in with Malcolm would have crushed me and almost made the end of our marriage a fait accompli.

Jill knew this and so when she packed a suitcase on that terrible Christmas Eve it was Charlotte’s and not Malcolm’s she headed for, leaving me feeling utterly empty and bereft, telling me where she was headed and that she’d call me in a few days when she’d had a chance to think things through.

The only other vaguely small comfort I got was realizing that the only real secret I’d ever kept from Jill was now out in the open. The fear I’d always had that this thing would one day come out and hurt me and Jill had finally happened, bringing a strange sense of release that anyone who’s hidden a big secret for yours will know only too well.

As you can imagine, what followed was the worst Christmas a man can endure. Knowing there’s a happy three-generation family on the other side of the country, but not being part of it. Sitting in a house full of happy family memories, but sitting there alone, aware that your wife and her best friend are sitting on the other side of town pontificating on and passing judgment on your past and your future.

There was no-one there for me. My kids were gone, my wife was gone, my ‘buddy’ Callan was hardly an option. Of course, I thought of calling or going around to Veronica, but with Jill sitting there trying to decide what she felt about our future, I knew that being at Veronica’s would have been both playing with fire and building a fusion bomb at the same time. And that Christmas I felt I’d done enough dumb things to last a lifetime, so Veronica’s stayed off my to-do list. Much as the feel of her arms and her lips would have gone a long way to reducing my pain.

Of course, I also thought about contacting Jill, but after all these years together I knew she exactly meant what she’d said, that she needed her space and that any badgering or contact on my part would have just counted against me in the court of Jill’s brain. And so however hard it was I stayed alone in that cold house and fought every urge to contact her.

It was only on the next day, Wednesday, December 26th, that I did anything proactive. I knew from their websites that all three of Jill’s clubs were open and so the question in my paranoid or not so paranoid mind was whether Jill would go into work, where of course she’d almost certainly meet Malcolm.

The next huge question in my mind being, as Wednesday was normally one of the nights she spent sleeping over at Malcolm’s, where would she head after she finished work. When she’d packed a bag and headed off to sort things out in her head, she’d been clear that she was heading to Charlotte’s. But that wasn’t the same as saying she’d be at Charlotte’s every night. Maybe in Jill’s mind, she’d only be at Charlotte’s instead of at our home, reckoning that why should Malcolm suffer because of something I’d done.

And so, at around six P.M. I set off from home and parked my car down a little side street near to the little cluster of three clubs Jill managed, glad for the short winter hours which meant Jill wouldn’t recognize my car even if by some chance she looked down the side street.

It was just after seven that my heart sank – disappointed but not surprised – as I saw Jill’s car speed by. Following up twenty minutes later as I drove out of my side street and did a pass by on the three clubs to make a final confirmation, spotting Jill’s car parked outside the third and largest of the clubs. The Pink Cabaret, which seemed the one where she spent the most time. The final sinking feeling burst on me as I saw the car parked next to Jill’s – Malcolm’s SVU.

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I wasn’t surprised, but I was hurt, disappointed, and worried. I wondered if it was some kind of Universe level of Karma playing out – payback for how I’d been less than honest to make sure I kept Jill away from Callan. Now Jill’s job naturally taking her into the Lion’s den of temptation, putting her next to a man who was a rival for her affections just as I had been with Callan all those years ago.

I sat in my car for what seemed an age, looking at my iPhone and hoping beyond hope that tonight would be the night Luther chose to email me the link to his security feeds so I could get my voyeuristic thrills.

Whenever he did this, he was pretty punctual with the email always arriving within a few minutes of eight o’clock. So, when my watch showed eight-fifteen and there was still no email my mind toyed with calling Luther to ask him to make tonight the night of my weekly ration. Not only would this have been demeaning, but it would have given Luther a hint that something was up as I’d never made a request like this before. Alerting him that all maybe wasn’t well between Jill and me. And if there’s a shark in the water, looking to feast on our marriage, dipping a weeping wound into the water isn’t the smartest of moves.

I had a burning and urgent need to know how things lay between Jill and me, and with no way of seeing into the club short of going in as a paying customer, the only thing I could think of was contacting Charlotte and seeing if she felt there was anything she could share. The likelihood of her sharing being higher if I was physically present on her doorstep, being harder to avoid than if I was just on the end of a phone.

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“Hi, Dave. I was wondering when I’d see you?” At least she wasn’t surprised to see me, that had to be a good start, I told myself. Charlotte’s smile, part tease, and part sympathy also gave me some level of hope and reassurance. Charlotte could be really rough and hurtful in the way she toyed with and teased people, but my gut told me that having herself been through rough times recently she was likely to want to do her best for both Jill and me.

I was soon inside her place nursing a steaming cup of coffee, looking hopefully at Charlotte, hoping she wouldn’t force me to spell it out, that she’d be the first one to speak. But eventually, I was the one forced to speak first.

“Tell me, Charlotte. Just how bad is it? Have I lost her? Do we still have a chance?” The worried look on my face said it all.

“It’s complicated,” came Charlotte’s opening words, neither comforting nor so bad as to induce despair. And then Charlotte started unpacking and explaining the situation, as far as she understood it.

“Dave, finding out after all these years has really shaken Jill to the core. It’s made her ask all kinds of questions. It’s not that she’s suddenly stopped loving you. After all, you’re the man she’s raised a family with, the man she’s shared her life with longer than she cares to remember. She can hardly remember her life before you. But all of a sudden, what you did to her back then, it’s made her question if you’re the guy she always thought you were.”

Charlotte paused to let her words sink in. Let me dwell on and fully understand what she was telling me. “Dave, just as you never thought you were handsome enough or sporty or macho enough for her, so she always put you on the same type of pedestal. She always saw you as unquestionably honest, someone who’d never lie to her, never hurt her. And then, all of a sudden, after twenty-five years, she suddenly finds out that you’ve got feet of clay. You’re just like all the other guys she’s ever known. Sure, she still loves you, she still knows you’re a good guy and that you love her more than life itself. Before she thought of you as a kind of rock star when it came to honesty and integrity, and she loved that in you, that’s why she made you the rock for her life and your family.”

Another pause until she saw I was ready for more hard truths. “But after all that, having built you up like this, she finds out that yes, you’re still a good guy, but you’re not the guy she built you up to be in her mind. Dave, honey, you’ve gone and knocked yourself off the pedestal she put you on. And that’s gonna have an impact, it’s just we don’t know yet what it is.”

Charlotte and I just looked at each other, each with eyes equally sad. This wasn’t the brassy, hard as nails Charlotte I’d so often seen. This was the woman and friend who’d been put through the wringer by her affair and on and off and on again marriage to Callan. A marriage that had ultimately ended in failure, hurt, and divorce. And with a breaking feeling in my chest, I wondered if Jill and my marriage was destined to end up in the same place as Charlotte and Callan’s. The breakers yard of matrimony.

Before I left, I also had to ask Charlotte what if anything Jill had shared about her pregnancy by Callan. The words were hardly out of my mouth when I realized what an insensitive question I’d just asked. All the years she’d been Callan’s wife, Charlotte had never been able to conceive and give him the child they so badly craved. A child that might have kept them together as a couple.

And here I was asking about a child sired by her ex-husband with her best friend Jill, a child that Jill had felt she had no choice but to have terminated, which I knew would have broken her heart at the time. How this made Charlotte feel I couldn’t begin to imagine, and here I was asking Charlotte all about the topic as if she were some uninvolved bystander.

“Sorry, Charlotte. Please forgive me, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s just these last couple of days have taken their toll.”

Charlotte could see that my apology was truly heartfelt – however, we might have squabbled in the past, that day we felt like fellow travelers on the road of anguish and pain. She stroked my cheek, “It’s okay, honey. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

Over the next few minutes, she went on to explain how Jill and she had discussed Jill’s long ago pregnancy and the pain of having to terminate a young life just starting out, and how if Callan had still been in the picture she’d have fought tooth and nail to keep the baby. Jill had described to Charlotte the pain and loneliness of keeping this secret to herself all these years. A secret neither I, her parents nor her children knew.

Hearing of Jill’s pain made me tear up with shame and love, love for the woman I’d hurt. Despite everything that had happened I was suddenly overwhelmed by an immense sense of guilt, and without a conscious thought passing through my brain my EQ and intuition told me as sure as anything I’d ever known just what I had to do.

And so, I gave Charlotte a farewell hug. “I’m off to see Jill.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a smart thing to do,” she advised, her face showing more concern and emotion than at any time earlier this evening.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, giving her a look that matched my confidence. “No, I understand why you’d say that. But I know now what I need to say to Jill and what I need to do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I vaguely knew the guy on the door, and he sure looked surprised to see me. Maybe I was being paranoid again, or maybe he already knew about Jill and my marital difficulties. After all, I could well understand why it might be a topic of discussion amongst the security team.

I nodded at him, getting my wallet out as if offering to pay, the gesture itself guaranteeing the shaking of his head as he opened the door and ushered me in for free. I took one step inside and stood stock still, letting my eyes adjust as I looked around. It was Wednesday so I knew Veronica was on a day off, but a few of the other girls smiled at me, knowing that I was liked indirectly through Veronica and Jill’s shared popularity with most of the other girls.

As my eyes adjusted and I carried on looking around Jill was nowhere to be seen. Heading to the bar I asked one of the girls who I knew was one of Veronica’s best friends if she knew where my wife was. The girl who was blonde and very busty, blessed with boobs that were obviously fake and from the cheaper end of the product range, seemed to have a permanent smirk on her face.

“Hi sugar, yeah, sure I know where Jill is. She’s outback, with our Head of Security. In one of our ‘private’ rooms,” her face breaking out into a total grin as she elongated these last two words.

Strangely enough, hearing this news didn’t shock me or worry me. The physical side of things wasn’t something that was on my mind this evening. I knew the thing that I needed to repair wasn’t the physical side of our marriage – it was something far more important, the emotional foundation of our love and marriage.

I thanked Blondie, gave her big tits a final glance, and headed back into the corridor which held the doors to the private rooms. I was glad that it was such a quiet night as if there had been any paying customers in there then my way would likely have been barred. Standing club rules being that if any paying customers were there then there should always be a security guy there to make sure the customers behaved.

But as Jill and Malcolm were far from paying customers, there was no one there to bar my way, so I stepped through the door and stopped to listen. The sound I expected coming from the last door on the right, the soft moaning of a woman having sex. The woman in question no doubt being my wife, the man making her moan no doubt her lover and boyfriend Malcolm.

There was little chance they’d hear me, but for some reason, I still walked quietly and slowly down the thirty foot or so of the corridor. Before quietly pushing the heavy black-painted wooden door open, and then easing just my head around the edge of the door to see what was happening inside whilst hopefully remaining unnoticed myself.

I was looking down from the end of the room that was about three feet from the foot of the bed, looking down on a pale body mostly covered by a huge dark body, Malcolm’s feet the closest thing to me and their heads the furthest thing away from me. The two of them were laying together on a large bed covered in black satin sheets, laying together in the classic missionary position. Jill’s pale thighs splayed wide apart, Malcolm’s muscular black ass pumping up and down between her thighs as their two mouths were locked together in a long-lasting and deeply emotional kiss. The pleasure Jill was getting from the slow and stretching deep fuck she was receiving so powerful that even though her mouth was covered by Malcolm’s her moans and groans of pleasure were easily audible to me.

His hips and ass never stopping their work even for an instant, Malcolm pulled back, breaking their kiss and allowing Jill to switch from kissing to speaking.

“Oh, Malcolm, you feel so good in me. So good, baby. I’ve missed this, missed you,” her voice replete with emotion and deep feelings.

Despite Jill’s spilling of her feelings, his response was more light-hearted as he chuckled. “Missed me? Jill, baby, I’ve missed you too, but it’s only been four days.”

But Jill wasn’t having any of it, she broke her arms away from where they’d been cradled around her boyfriend’s neck and held his head between both hands as she turned his head to look directly at her.

“Four days too long, sweetheart. Malcolm, you do know how I love you, don’t you? How much I love you. That’s why I said I missed you so much, even after just four days apart, without you.”

Malcolm’s earlier playfulness disappeared, suddenly sensing the seriousness of the mood and mindset Jill was in. His face now matching hers in terms of intensity.

“Yes. Yes, Jill. I know how much I love you, and I need you to know that I feel the same way. That I love you just as much, probably more than you love me … because you’ve got all of my heart, baby … and I know that, however much you love me, I’ve only got half of your heart, Jill …”

That was the point I burst in, every nerve ending in my body jangling at the possible destination of the conversation they were holding, with Jill in her present frame of mind. I’d not planned to rush in like that, but every inch of my body knew I needed to stop that conversation before it went any further.

“Jill, I’ve been talking to Charlotte, and it made me realize there are some things I need to say to you. I know you need your space, and I respect that. I’ll say my piece and then I’ll go.”

My entry into the room had obviously taken Jill totally by surprise. One minute she was mid a wonderful and tender loving session with her boyfriend, then the next her husband was standing there ruining the mood and the moment. She looked at me in a way that would have shriveled me up if I’d not been so clear and determined about what I knew I needed to tell her.

“Anything you want to say to me you can say in front of Malcolm,” her haughty and cold voice told me, not the real Jill but the Jill that had been created by her present pain and confusion.

Even as she said this, Malcolm’s ass was still gently continuing to pump up and down, an engine just ticking over at maybe eight hundred rpm, but even the idling motor and piston able to make my otherwise angry wife smile in pleasure.

“No. No, Jill. I don’t want you and me to have to be caught in the middle of this. Dave’s got a right to talk to you alone,” and with that he raised up, his huge and very swollen cock nodding in front of him as he eased off the bed, picked up his clothes and headed out the room. I don’t know who was more surprised by his action, Jill or me, not that it mattered – I was just hugely grateful that it was just Jill and me.

If anything, Jill’s face became even more stony and unsympathetic as she watched Malcolm’s broad back and black ass leave the room at military double-speed. Only when he’d gone did she turn to look at me, no words spoken but an expression that shouted out ‘this had better be good.’

I sat on the bed, for some reason feeling strangely confident, a lot more confident than I had any right to be. Later I realized it was because I’d finally gotten to the point where I could contemplate life without Jill. This wasn’t something I wanted. After all these years of feeling I wasn’t quite good enough for her, I knew I was going to tell her some home truths. And when I’d finished, I knew that more than life itself I wanted her to still love me and be with me. But I knew that it was a decision only she could make and that if she did decide to walk away, then I’d be heartbroken but that bit by bit I’d rebuild my life. That I would survive and find happiness again, however painful the immediate times and the rebuilding process might be.

And so, strengthened by this strange confidence, I didn’t jump in. Jill’s angry and haughty face didn’t faze me, and instead, I stared her out, until slowly I saw a softening start to come over her face and I knew that at least she’d listen to what I had to say.

I’d planned it all out during the drive over from Charlotte’s place. The first thing had to be the dramatic gesture. Something to break down Jill’s barriers and make her really understand how sorry and sad and ashamed I was.

Thankfully I’d applied a little soap and lost a little weight recently. So, when I pulled at my wedding band and turned and twisted it a little, without too much effort or delay it slipped off my finger and into my palm.

From the shocked look in Jill’s eyes, I knew I had her attention. The walls were down and her ears and mind were open.

“Jill, darling. I realize I’ve done something terribly wrong. When Charlotte was telling me how painful, how terrible it was for you to lose that baby, and then to carry that secret alone all these years, when she told me that I realized just how badly I’ve wounded you and hurt you.”

There were tears in Jill’s eyes – tears of memory, confusion, and emotion all mixed up, matching the damp feelings on my own cheeks.

“Jill, I need you to know that I still love you with all my heart and soul. You’re my best friend, my lover, my soul mate. But I’ve done a terrible thing and it’s caused you a pain I can never imagine. And that’s why, honey, I’m handing you back the wedding band you gave me all those years ago,” Jill’s hand shaking as I took it in my hand and handed her the simple gold band.

“Jill, please don’t misunderstand what I’ve just done. I need you to hear me loud and clear. I want to remain married to you. I love you and want that you and I grow old together, surrounded by and caring for our wonderful kids and all the grandkids I hope they’re blessed with.”

“But I know now that unless we have a clean slate, and that you take a decision afresh, knowing what you know, our marriage will be forever polluted by that mistake I made all those years ago. We need to rebuild afresh, from Ground Zero, building up all over again. And, baby, you need to decide if that’s what you want, or if you want a different life, a different man.”

“I feel and know that we can’t rebuild on the old foundation. That was built on sand, built on a lie. I hate myself for it, but I feel like I cheated you. I didn’t mean to, and I know what we had and have is real, but at the moment I feel I need to give you your freedom. Your freedom to choose, that’s the only way that we’ll ever be able to be truly happy again.”

By now Jill’s tears were in full flow, the small room filled by the sound of her sobs echoing off the plastered black walls as I prepared to say my closing piece.

“Jill, baby, I hope with all my heart that you choose to want me still in your life. But that’s a decision only you can make. And until you make that decision, as I was the one who did wrong, it doesn’t seem right that you’re forced to move out of your home. So, I’m going to move into a local hotel and give you the space I owe you, until you tell me you want to talk.”

I had nothing more to say. I was physically and emotionally washed out. Just about having the energy left to give Jill the most emotional hug I’d ever given her. Feeling a wave of optimism as the muscles in Jill’s arms returned the hug, pressing her still naked breasts into my chest in a way that would make me hard on any other day in the year.

Finally, and only just able to tear myself away from our shared hug, I stood up, holding onto her hand as Jill and I shared a long lingering look. It would have been so easy to dive back onto the bed and make love to my beautiful wife and soul mate. I knew she’d be receptive, I could see it in her eyes. But after everything, I’d said and what I knew to be true, if I weakened and took this short-term gain, I’d likely pay the price in the long run.

I pressed me lips to the back of her hand, feeling tears fall from my eyes, but somehow, with superhuman effort, I turned and walked out of that little darkened room. Not daring to look back lest I weaken. A happy man tonight but one who’d always be looking over his shoulder and wondering if the foundations of his marriage were sound.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I drove back across town, packed three large suitcases, and checked into a local motel. Wondering how long I’d have to wait before I knew the outcome of the huge but necessary gamble I’d just taken with my marriage.

(Thanks to cbears52 and Kite for suggestions. Any remaining errors or issues of course remain mine.)