So let’s see; you want to get to know me.  That’s great, so would I.  To say that I’ve spent a lifetime of self-seeking would be an understatement.  I have one side of me that my family knows, let’s say his name is Victor.  He’s the good Christian boy that made his parents proud.  He followed the rules, made good grades growing up, and saved himself for marriage.  

Next, you have my other side, let’s say his name is Caleb.  For every yin, there is yang as they say and Caleb is definitely the yang.  One might say Caleb was born in my early teens as a way for my mind to cope with my inability to fit in socially among my peers.  Victor had a hard time understanding social cues, making it hard to get along with the average person.  While he was belittled, bullied, and talked down to, Victor stayed quiet; after all, we were afraid of disappointing father.  That is until one day Caleb appeared and started as a mere voice in my head.  It was as if all my anger, frustration, and hatred collided inside of me without an outlet to escape.  Instead of letting me erode away from the inside out, Caleb helped me fantasize my revenge, vividly in my mind.  I remember so well the times that I nearly let Caleb have his way; fist balled up, ready to beat down the source of my anger, my hatred.  Victor was always there to bind my hands, pushing Caleb off at the last minute.

Then I  have yet another side.  Her name is Alexis.  Of all my sides I love her the most.  I’m not sure exactly when she was born, but you might say she became prominent shortly after eight grade.  She represents my lust and promiscuity.  Many times I would find her whispering in my ear, fantasies I never knew I had in the lewdest and erotic ways possible.  In my dreams, she occupied my bed.  In my mind, she molded my sexuality; my fetishes.  Even now I would venture to say she is dominant.  On one side she keeps Caleb at bay, dominating him with a whip, leashing him next to her like the rabid dog that he is.  On her other side, she is curled up behind Victor, corrupting him, yet consoling him in his weakness.

So which is it?  Who am I?  I am all three.  I am Victor, the innocent Christian boy who knows no wrong.  I am Caleb, rabid dog full of anger and hatred.  I am Alexis, the lust-filled dominant keeping the other two in check.

I know what you’re thinking.  Alexis is a female amongst two males in your fractured mind.  What is your sexuality?  What is your gender or gender identity?  I guess you could say I’ve experienced both in some form.  I’ve dressed as both.  I’ve acted as both.  I’m fluid from one to the other.  If you’re looking for a physical answer I guess you could say I’m female.  As far as whether or not I identify with that; you would have to ask Alexis to be sure, but I doubt she would tell you.

So don’t mind me if you see me staring off into space.  The voices in my head may be having a meeting as to how to interact with you.  Alexis may be building my confidence so that I have the needed charisma to speak to you, or she may be tying me down, keeping the urge to kill you at bay.  I am not normal; far from it in fact, but this is how I cope day today.  This is the mental mess that is me.