This is how I remember what happened on that rainy, chilly weekend night. I was sitting here in our living room listening to this guy, Larry. Larry, my height, is about ten years younger but twenty pounds lighter. Sounds educated. He told me he was about to fuck my wife!
He started by saying I needed to hear the background. Larry asked, “Would you let me explain?”
He started droning about girls in general. "No matter the girl’s age, eighteen or eighty, they all plan the same way. The female of the species will let you know if you are going to have sex. Unless her men are criminals, the woman makes the rules. I am here tonight because Jess knew you were going to ask for me. I volunteered my services."
I was hostile. "My wife, Jessica, invited you, so I let you in.” My censure surfaced in the way I said ‘My wife, Jessica.' My voice was able to emphasize each word as if it were the most important: ‘My,’ meaning Jessica was mine. ‘Wife,’ to communicate possession. ‘Jessica,’ because she hates the diminutive 'Jess;' nobody would dare call her ‘Jess’.
I stood up as a hint for him to do the same, saying, “It is quite a bad time."
Larry did not rise. He kept himself on the couch and put a bag down beside him.
Larry resumed, "As I was telling Jess..."
Then I remembered Jessica telling me, "If it's Larry at the door, let him in."
I sat back down and corrected Larry again, "It's not Jess; she hates 'Jess'. Her name is Jessica."
This guy was so rude, he must have been deaf!
Larry continued, "No matter. As I was telling Jess... ah, her...the other day, she totally agrees that women decide when to have sex and with whom. That's why I am here now. Women decide everything about what happens in the sex department. As a teen, a girl decides which boy she will sit with in the cafeteria. She knows, but he doesn't, who will be first to touch her blouse, her bra, her nipple. Do you know who was first guy to stick his fingers in Jess' cunt? I do. And it wasn't in a car. She knew all along how far she would let him go."
I thought, "Does this guy want me to toss him out or kick his ass, or both?"
Larry persisted, "We guys think we got on base through our own handsomeness, charm, smooth moves, even a little alcohol or pot. Nope! Girls decide everything."
He slapped his hands on his knees and announced to the world, "Jess planned tonight."
Jessica's guest continued, "Our kids knew when we had sex or were going to have sex, even though they pretended they didn't know. They see all our moves."
Larry chimed in, "After thirty years of marriage, I wonder if you saw the moves Jess was making all day and the moves you made in response."
He went on, "Jess told me that you two had fantasized about adding a third party, a well-hung guy. That would be me."
Just then, Jessica swooped down the stairs and into the room. Nice (new?) blouse, khaki shorts, cute shoes, makeup freshly done.
She came up to Larry and said, "Larry, your predictions are coming true."
Larry answered, "And I hope the predictions get to fruition. Jess?"
My wife turned to Larry and responded, 'Of course. Jack is such a sweet guy and he asked for it."
This interloper rose, kissed her hand and reached for the bag he brought. "Something for everyone."
Larry pulled out an unopened bottle of my favorite Irish whiskey and a small, unwrapped plastic box.
"Here."
He handed me the bottle.
'Three shot glasses: mine neat, Jess' with a dash of cold club soda and yours with one ice cube. Oh, and the smallest pipe you have handy."
How the fuck did he know what I drank and what we smoked?
Larry handed Jess the box.
I rose again and announced, "I'll be right back."
When I returned with the drinks, he had his arm around Jessica, her hand in his as he showed her how to shave a small sliver of hashish from the desk-eraser-sized piece from the box. He shaved several pieces and dropped them onto his handkerchief.
I sputtered, 'Jessica, do you mind telling me what is going on?"
My wife of thirty or so years told me, "It's complicated."
I sighed, "Ugh! That is what Facebook characters say when they have trouble telling what bad, nasty, stupid, unlucky event just occurred."
I handed Larry a pipe. "A small one, as ordered."
Larry dropped a sliver into the pipe, lit it, took a drag and held it. Then Jess took a toke. Larry refilled the pipe.
Larry offered, "Have some. You said you liked a few hits before romance. This hash is much milder than marijuana."
Jessica added, "Sweeter, too," as she passed the pipe over to me.
"Here is a man-size slice for you, Jack," Larry said as he dropped more into the pipe and handed it to me.
While Larry lit me up, Jessica continued. "Yes, complicated/lucky is what I am hoping for. Larry and I met at Costco. He helped me get the cases of Pellegrino and wine into my cart."
Larry butted in. "Jess and I chatted about a lot of things. I mentioned that the gourmet market down the street had new imported wines that just arrived."
Best retort I had at the moment: "You are repeating yourself, Larry: 'new' imported wines that 'just arrived.'"
Jessica spoke up for Larry, not me, saying, "Jack. Play nice. We are smoking his stash."
Jessica continued. "We bumped into each other again in the Costco parking lot; Larry invited me to follow him to his next stop, the wine shop."
Larry jumped back into the conversation. "The stash is yours. Keep it and the whiskey. The wines I found that day were good. I got a case, gave Jess two bottles. Then we had coffee. Perfectly innocent."
Still being suspicious, I pointed out, "Innocent, so far. How did you end up here, at my house, right now?"
Larry struggled to explain. "I discovered she was a people watcher, just like me. At the cafe, Jess whispered about the couples shopping, the guys watching the girls and vice versa, who already got laid today and who would get lucky."
One more round of puffs and sips, then Larry said, "That is when I floated the idea that women invariably choose their mates early on. We guys, we just string along."
Jessica said, "We exchanged email addresses, so that if we ran across any more bargains, we would tell each other."
The hash and the liquor were taking effect on all of us, I suppose. It certainly loosened Jessica up enough to continue. She giggled and said that she chatted with Larry online.
"I told Larry that you and I were just like those couples we watched at the market. Totally predictable. He agreed and gave his little speech about people, even old married couples like us."
It was uncomfortable to admit to what she said next.
My wife sounded convinced. "You and I both behave the same way. I knew from early this morning that we would make love tonight. Larry asked me to tell him some of the things you can be counted on doing in bed."
Larry mercifully interrupted, "Can you refill this, Jack? And take another hit."
I took one short toke and got the bottle out of the cupboard. When I got back, Larry was whispering something in Jessica's ear. She laughed.
Larry said, "Jack. Jess told me that when you guys are in foreplay mode, you ask her if she'd like someone else there. Yes?"
Getting hot under the collar, I spoke up loudly, "That is none of your business." Was the smoke beginning to cloud my thinking?
Jessica spoke to the pipe, not to me. "Yeah. A cameraman or another guy, just a fantasy between two consenting adults who have been married over thirty years."
Larry cut to the chase. "Tonight, she must have asked if you were serious."
Now I remembered! We were playing around. I had her blouse off. Beautiful titties were coming over her push-up bra. Her skin was like a teenager's: no wrinkles and the soft belly was perfect to kiss, stroke, admire. I asked if she wanted another guy to be nibbling on the other tit.
For the first time ever, she said, "Oh, yeah. That would be nice, very nice. I want another man. I'll get one. You want another smoke?"
She got up, did something in the bathroom and brought our hookah out. We had one more puff.
We kissed some more, did some fondling.
I summed up our almost-romantic evening, saying to Larry and Jessica, "The music ended and the doorbell rang."
Jessica was high. "Did I say that out loud, about another guy? I guess I did."
She went on to confess, "Yes, dear. I finally decided to take you up on your offer. I told Larry it might happen and he agreed that, if it ever came to that, he was only minutes away."
Now he was in my / our living room!
Our interloper explained, "Jess told me what kind of whiskey you like. She talked about her younger years and admitted that she knew exactly how far each guy would get. She let you get a lot further than the guys before you. They mean nothing to me, but I know the names of those guys and how far they got. No, how far she let them get."
Jessica confessed, “I walked Larry out to his car. His old hooptie car reeked of pot. Anyway, when I smelled the pot, I shared with Larry that we smoked too.”
My wife asked, “Was that okay, honey?"
Larry lowered his voice. "I told Jess that I would be a happy third party. She told me how it could happen."
Jessica spoke to me. "I decided, if you keep on about wanting another guy here, I may grant your wish. If you want to watch me fuck someone else, okay."
Larry summed it up, saying, "I told her that if Jack keeps talking like that, just text me. I have a big, big dick and would love to fuck you. I am minutes away."
I started to lean back and tred to get my senses back in order.
Through the fog, I heard Larry address me directly, "Jack, I give you my word, we have gone no further than a peck on the cheek. I am clean and have certification to that effect. She made me do that! Until I met your wife, I didn't even know such a document existed."
He told us, "I am divorced, long ago. I’m clean, neat, well educated. I sincerely, honestly do not love anyone and have no desire to fall in love."
Finally, he finished with, "This may be, as the Brits say, "A 'one off'. That is okay by me."
Larry bargained further: "I would like to have some alone time with Jess. She talks about her garden and her candle-lit romantic bedroom. May she show it to me and you join us in a few minutes?"
They did not wait for an answer. Jessica and Larry climbed the stairs and I tidied up. I realized she had cooled two bottles of wine. Two?? And why defrost two pounds of shrimp (too much for just two people) and three desserts?
I took my time, some time. Determined to not give them enough for anything to happen, I climbed the stairs to our bedroom.
Music. They were dancing, closely. "You see, Jack? Both of us still have all our clothes on."
I approached the couple and stood behind Jessica. She leaned into me, twisted her head, lifted her arm to push my face toward hers and kissed me, grinding her butt into my groin. One hand held my face to hers; the other brushed the front of my slacks.
"My, my. Seems like somebody's got a hard-on. Oops, two somebodies!"
Larry sighed. "It is getting so hot in here. Let's take off some of these clothes."
I thought he would start with his shirt or shoes. He started with Jessica's blouse! He took his time unbuttoning. She offered no resistance.