ELISE - MY WIFE
"Where the hell are my tights?" my wife Elise yelled from the walk-in wardrobe.
"How should I know?" I answered lazily from my office. It was very common for us to have this kind of conversations while being in separate rooms. To me, it seemed that nowadays she was always missing some piece of clothing.
She had obviously become even more absent-minded than in the past. That would have been fine if she didn't also get all cranky about it.
Elise had always been a career woman, but I couldn't think when and how exactly she became so dull and so cold. She had become a person who was always irritable. She wasn't like that when we met or when we got married.
"Why don't you wear some other tights? I'm sure you have more than one," I asked.
"Because I don't have another of the same color!" she replied angrily, "and I need it!"
I tried to concentrate on my work; sketching a tourist lodge for Lapland. However, it was difficult to focus while my dear wife was making so big deal about how much in a hurry she was, and about how difficult her life was now that she couldn't dress up exactly the way she had planned.
I heard Alex closing the door to his room. He was probably trying to study, but his mother's drama was bothering him too. I think we were both relieved when she finally left the house and it became all nice and quiet.
ALEX - MY STEPSON
Alex was nine when I met his mother. His biological father was completely out of the picture, and without much effort, we became like a real father and son. Even at the time of his puberty he never made remarks about me not being his "real" father. I think in his mind I was always as real as a father can get.
Since his mother was often busy, I was the one who took him to the guitar classes or other hobbies in my car. We often talked quite a lot in the car. Unlike his mother, I was very aware of his interests, as well as some minor problems he might have in the school, or his thoughts in general.
He was not the dream son of every baseball dad. Or maybe I should use the term ice hockey dad since we lived in Scandinavia.
He was not interested in any sports. As a person he was always quite feminine and a bit fragile. An innate artist, I would say. Fortunately, I was not the kind of ice hockey dad either, and I was very proud of him the way he was. I tried to give him my support in those things he was interested in.
Elise didn't wish him to be a football star either, but obviously, she wanted him to be something "big", at least in her eyes. A lawyer, a doctor...that kind of things. Due to this, his studies at the gymnasium were the most important things for her. She always kept pushing him to study even though he was always studying hard anyway.
When Alex turned sixteen I was already afraid of the time when he would need to choose what and where he should study after the gymnasium. He had told me he was more interested in studying something more artistic. He knew as well as I, that for this reason, all hell would break loose with his mother.
HIS SECRET
I think Alex was even more surprised than I was when I caught him wearing Elise's clothes.
I had told him that I would go to have a long lunch with a client. However, it got canceled while I was already driving towards the restaurant. I made a U-turn and went back home.
I guess he didn't hear me coming back home. I knocked on the door of his room to ask if he would like to join me for lunch since my plans had changed.
No answer.
Instead, I found him in our bedroom.
"Dad...I was...sorry...I mean...just wanted to try...," he stuttered and looked as if I had caught him committing some serious crime.
He was wearing one of Elise's dresses, and obviously, he was also trying some of her makeup when I accidentally interrupted him. His mother's big earrings were hanging from his ears, though he didn't even have holes in them.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to..." I said and I was still trying to understand what I was seeing.
"Please don't tell mother," he begged.
Obviously, he was more worried about her opinion than mine. Or maybe it was because it was her clothes and her makeup that he was using.
"Don't worry, I won't," I answered. I too could see the scandal this would cause if she knew.
I can't remember how we were able to get rid of the awkwardness of the situation, but after a moment we were sitting at the kitchen table and talked calmly about the whole thing.
Alex told me he had always felt more like a girl than a boy. He said he had tried his mother's clothes already when he was just a kid, but nowadays he had felt more and more the need to wear them. He told me he felt more comfortable and more natural while wearing woman's clothes.
It all made sense to me now. Alex had always been a feminine boy. Lately, his appearance had become more and more unisex. He had a semi-long, blond hair and very soft, pretty face. In general, he looked very androgynous.
"That's just because I'm afraid to dress like a girl in public, but I don't want to dress like a boy either," he sighed when we talked about it.
I felt a lot of pity for him at that moment. I had read about the people who feel like they are trapped in a wrong body. I just never had realized Alex might be one of them. Now that I knew, I felt stupid that it hadn't come to my mind earlier.
"Some people think I'm a gay, due to the way I am," he said.
"There's nothing wrong with being a gay either," I replied.
"No, but I think this is different," Alex said, "I do like boys yes...but..."
He was seeking words.
"But not that way?" I tried to help.
"No, I mean, I do like them exactly that way"
He still tried to find the right way to explain it and then he found it:
"I feel like I'm a girl. So I feel like I like the boys because I am a girl."
It made sense. And I felt proud and happy that he had decided to tell me all this. I knew it was not easy to come out like that, even though we had a good relationship. It warmed my heart that to him I was the kind of person he could trust enough to be sincere about this.
OUR SOLUTION
After this conversation we came to a solution; Alex was free to express himself the way he wanted while we were alone at home.
But I wanted him to stop borrowing Elise's clothes. They were not his size or his style anyway. Besides, I was tired of hearing her bitching about her lost clothes.
So, instead, I gave Alex money to get the clothes she wanted. I also started to think of him as she, a girl and not a boy. She knew exactly what she wanted: dresses, skirts, tops, bras, panties etc. I think she also bought some "naughtier" clothes, but I didn't know for sure since I didn't go shopping with him. But for the way he dressed in front of me, it was clear that his goal was to be just a girl, not a slut.
While she dressed as a girl, she wore some makeup too. She also tried different feminine hairstyles, which was easy for her since she had a good, thick hair.
She hardly used any feminine perfumes for obvious reasons; her mother would have smelled them when she came back home and that would have caused problems, both to him and to me.
Due to the nature of my work, I worked mainly from home. For that reason, I did most of the house chores also. So I took care of the laundry, including Alex's girly clothes. That way Elise never needed to find out about them.
Alex played the androgynous boy role in front of his mother as well as in public. That was his own choice and I respected that.
Since my wife was often working late and often away from home, he had plenty of chances to be a girl. I suspected that my wife was having an affair with someone, but I didn't care enough to ask or even to pretend I was jealous.
Yes, maybe I should have encouraged Alex to be himself (a girl) in public too. Of course, I would have supported him if he did. But we both knew Elise. It would have caused a hell of a mess, and he was not ready to handle all that yet. I felt it was better to take only the steps he was willing to take. Call it bad parenting if you wish, but that's the way I felt.
One day he told me that he wished to be called Alexina always when we were alone. It was funny, but also difficult because then I needed to remember to call him Alex whenever his mother was around. A couple of times Elise heard me calling him Alexina, but she thought it was some weird joke from my part and forgot all about it very soon.
ALEXINA - MY STEPDAUGHTER
A year passed. Alexina was now seventeen. During the year she had really become a girl, but still only for my eyes. She had developed a very good taste in clothes. Of course, the style was that appropriate to her age, but she had really figured out her own, girly style. She had also learned how to use makeup, and her blond hair was even longer and girlier than before.
I was amazed when I watched her while we were alone at home; despite some very slight details, she looked completely like a girl. She had started to even sound feminine, even though her voice was still recognizably boyish.
"Dad, I would like to start hormones one day," she once said to me, when she came to my office while I was working, "what would you say about that?"
"What do you want me to say about it?" I asked looking at the sketch I was drawing, "soon you are eighteen and won't need my opinion."
"That was not even an answer," she criticized. She was right to do so.
I stopped my work and looked at her.
She was wearing her red knee length skirt with long white socks. A little padded bra was under her white singlet top to create the impression of girly breasts. My gaze explored her appearance thoughtfully until I realized what I was doing and made sure I was looking at her eyes instead.
"Look, I mean that you are the one who needs to decide if and how necessary that is to you," I said, "but I can tell you one thing. If you start the hormone therapy, then you must reveal all this to your mother.
