I arrived on the west coast campus as a scared and naïve freshman in August 2012. UCLA had offered me a full academic scholarship, so my choice of where to attend school was relatively easy.

In many ways, I was a bit of an enigma. I was not a virgin, but had only been intimate with one boy, my stepbrother. My relationship with Gary was deeply emotional and complex.

You may recall from the previous seven chapters, that my family went through a very rough stretch following the death of my stepfather in 2012. Dad was a career military officer who was killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan weeks before my seventeenth birthday. I had just started my senior year in high school.

My stepbrother, mom and I were all devastated by the news. Our entire world had been ripped apart. Gary, mom and I each grieved in our own way.

Mom fell into the bottle, drinking herself to sleep each night. She would polish off several tumblers of vodka and orange juice before passing out in her bedroom before nine o'clock.

My sixteen year old stepbrother, quit the basketball team, started skipping school, and started drinking and smoking pot.

While dad's death devastated me as well, I decided the best way to honor his memory was to continue with plans to attend college and become an engineer. Ever since I was a little girl, dad had told me I had the mind and mathematical aptitude of an engineer. So when I accepted UCLA's offer to study electrical engineering on their dime, I did so partially to honor dad's memory. 

When I arrived at UCLA, I was highly confident in my intellect; however, I was quite insecure about my appearance. I had a lean, athletic build with small, perky 34B cup breasts. At five foot eleven inches in height, I was not the tiny, cute, 'cheerleader type' that the boys in high school chased. The boys that I knew seemed to desire the shorter more petite girls with the round bubble butts and 36D cup tits; whereas I had the tall, sleek body of a model.

Oh, I knew that objectively speaking I was pretty. I had long blonde hair and large green eyes. But I was taller than many boys I knew. And most of the boys in high school seemed to be intimidated by me. Maybe it was my height, maybe it was the fact that I was a straight A student. Maybe it was my athletic ability. I simply do not know.

Additionally, although no one knew about Gary and my relationship, my emotional attachment to my stepbrother did mean that I was not emotionally available to other boys my age.

As I say, I was an enigma. On one hand, I had very little experience dating and was shy and insecure around men. On the other hand, I had ample sexual experience with my stepbrother.

I met Robert the first week of classes. He was a finance major. Robert was in my political science and calculus classes. I was impressed that a finance major was taking the calculus class for engineers. Most business majors took their required math in the business school where the academic demands were not as stringent. 

Robert invited me to grab lunch after class one day. We chatted for over an hour before he asked me to accompany him to the football game on Saturday night.

I was immediately attracted to Robert. He was tall, handsome and charming. At six feet, three inches, he was taller than me; a fact that I liked. He had a strong, muscular physique. He was confident without being arrogant. And I found his stories funny and entertaining.

He made me feel pretty and interesting. He flirted with me in a manner that was terribly appealing; he told me I was pretty and desirable. In short, Robert swept me off my feet.

Robert and I began dating each other exclusively. He was my first real boyfriend.

After two months, I realized that I was developing deep feelings for him. I was conflicted. I still had an inappropriate emotional attachment to Gary, but I was falling in love with Robert.

One night after making love to me, he said it, "Elizabeth, that was wonderful. I love you."

The words hung in the air for a moment. I hesitated momentarily before I responded, "I love you, too. I really do."

But the words caused a knot in my stomach. I had a deep, dark secret. And if Robert knew, he might feel very differently towards me.

I could not sleep that night as I worried what to do. Do I keep my secret just that, a secret, and base my emerging relationship on a lie? Or do I confess all to Robert and risk losing him?

For the next few months I continually agonized over whether or not to tell Robert. I just could not garner the courage, I was afraid he would be repulsed and drop me. I could not risk losing him. I was terrified that if Robert knew the truth about me, he would end the relationship. And this fear had me in a constant state of anxiety.

We continued to grow closer over the next year. I was falling more deeply in love with him. 

Christmas, 2012, Robert took me to New York to introduce me to his stepmother, Cindy. She was a beautiful and charming woman who accepted me warmly. I immediately liked her. She had a pretty face and a warm engaging smile. She was small and petite with the type of cute cheerleader figure I envied. I remember thinking to myself, 'I hope I look this good when I am thirty nine.'

I was feeling good about my relationship with Robert. I knew things were getting serious. A man brings his girlfriend home to meet his family at Christmas only if he thinks the relationship might be a permanent one.

Still, I could not seem to bring myself to tell him about my sordid relationship with my stepbrother. I kept putting it off, afraid of what his reaction might be. So I lived with this deep, dark secret for the next two years. I simply could not tell Robert what I had done.

Since Gary, my stepbrother, attended a different college in another state, we seldom saw each other during the school year. I accepted an internship at a tech company during the summer of my freshman year so I could remain close to Robert. I also accepted the job to avoid the temptation of returning home and spending the summer with my stepbrother, Gary.

I will confess, that when I did travel home for brief visits with my mom and stepbrother, Gary and I did slip back into our old ways. I am not proud of the fact that I was cheating on Robert with my stepbrother, but I simply did not have the strength to resist this temptation.

I would protest when Gary would sneak into my room at night during my brief visits home. I would tell him he should leave. But I did not insist that he do so. Gary would touch me, tease me and get me aroused to the point that I would eventually relent and allow him to enter me. Since I was on the pill for Robert, Gary was allowed to ejaculate inside me, unprotected.

My relationship with Gary became even more complicated by the fact that he was terribly jealous of Robert and my deep affection for him. Gary had a girlfriend at college, but he seemed to know that she was not 'the one'.

I was candid and honest with Gary. I told him that I hoped to marry Robert some day. I confessed that I wanted to be his wife. Gary did not like this one bit.

Because of my inability to resist Gary's advances, and the tremendous guilt I felt upon returning to Robert after having been intimate with Gary, I started limiting my visits home. It was the only way I could avoid the temptation, a temptation to which I knew I would succumb to eventually.

And it was not simply the physical temptation. I really did have a deep emotional bond with Gary. After all, his was the first penis I ever saw 'in the flesh'. He was the first person I ever saw ejaculate. He is the first person to ever make me climax. And he captured my virginity. Yes, the emotional bonds were very real.

So I was torn. I was deeply in love with Robert. But I also had a deep affection for my stepbrother. I really did want them both. I know that sounds unfair to Robert, but I would be lying if I claimed that I did not want them both.

So, unable to resist, I simply stayed away.

It was October of my senior year when Robert took me to a nice restaurant, and surprised me. He proposed! I said yes.

That night, lying in my bed, with Robert asleep next to me, I continued to agonize over whether or not to confess my sin to my now fiancé. I finally decided that if our marriage was going to work, it needed to be based on the truth. I needed to tell Robert everything. I needed to trust that he loved me enough to understand and accept me for who I really am.

I knew that if I didn't tell Robert, some day, at some family function, Gary might say or do something that would reveal our secret. I honestly felt that Gary's jealousy might lead him to simply tell Robert at some point. No, Robert needed to hear this from me.

The next evening, after supper, Robert took me to his room. His roommate regularly slept over at his girlfriend's apartment, so we had the room to ourselves.

We were standing by the bed when Robert pulled me to him. Robert kissed me and began fumbling with the buckle of my shorts. My heart was pounding in my chest as I worked to garner the courage to have my talk with Robert.

I took a deep breath and said, "Robert, could we talk first?"

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" he replied while lowering my zipper and pulling down my tan shorts and white cotton panties together.

I stepped out of them and sat on the bed, naked from the waist down. I patted the spot next to me and said, "Robert, I have something to tell you that may change how you feel about me?

"You're not going to tell me you used to be a man, are you?" he joked.

"Robert, this is serious. I'm scared."

"There is nothing you could tell me that will change how I feel."

"I hope you are right...but I'm not so sure. Remember me telling you about the weeks and months after my dad was killed in Afghanistan?"

"I think so. He was an Army officer and his vehicle encountered a roadside bomb, right?"

"Yes. The news devastated my entire family. Mom fell into the bottle and was drunk every night. Gary started drinking and smoking pot, skipping school. He quit the basketball team. It was a terrible time for the family"

"I can only imagine what it must have been like. I've never lost anyone really close to me," Robert said in an attempt to console me. His hand was on my bare thigh.

"Robert, I want you to try to understand how emotionally vulnerable I was a that time; how emotionally vulnerable we all were at that time."

"I think I understand. At least I think I do."

"Well, try to also understand that when you are emotionally vulnerable, grieving and lonely, you may do some things that you later regret; things that you otherwise might not do. And I am going to ask for you to try not to judge me too harshly until you have heard all that I want to tell you."

"Okay. You have my attention. I'm a little nervous myself now. No, change that, I'm scared. What is your big secret?"

Robert was squeezing my thigh now. He was obviously very concerned. God, I loved this man. Dear God, please don't let me lose him, I prayed silently.

I took a deep breath before continuing, "Well, several months after dad's death, I got a text message from one of my friends telling me that Gary was at a party, drunk and had vomited all over himself. He was in no condition to drive. Mom was passed out in bed herself." 

Robert nodded silently, indicating I should continue.

"I was furious with my stepbrother, but like the dutiful stepsister that I was, I went and retrieved him. He smelled horrible, like vomit. He rode home in my car with a plastic trash bag in his lap in case he needed to vomit again. Fortunately he didn't."

"I helped him to his bedroom. Before leaving him, I told him to give me his clothes and I would wash them. As I said, they reeked."

I paused, as I tried to find the right words. I was so nervous, the palms of my hands were sweating.

"Robert, you need to understand I did not want any of this to happen. I was not expecting any of this."

Robert simply said, "Go on, continue. I'm listening."

Nervously, I continued, "I was shocked when Gary stripped naked in front of me and handed me his clothing, underwear and all. Showing no signs of modesty, he then fell back on top of his covers, naked. I remember distinctly the loud smacking sound that his semi-firm penis made as it slapped across his lower abdomen when he hit the bed."

"Gary placed his arm over his eyes to shield them from the overhead light that was glaring down on him. Robert, I was a naïve, lonely, confused seventeen year old girl. This was the very first 'in the flesh' penis I had ever seen. I stood there mesmerized for several seconds before dragging myself away to start the load of laundry."

"Robert I'm not proud of this, but I returned to Gary's room and found him passed out or asleep, I'm not sure which. I convinced myself that I came back into his room to throw a sheet over his naked body, but I know that's not the whole truth. I wanted to see that magnificent penis again."

Robert interrupted me, "Just how magnificent was it?"

"I misspoke. It was the first penis I had ever seen, so I was intrigued. It is not nearly as magnificent as yours."

"Sure, sure, sure...sell it to the Air Force. The Navy's not buying this 'your penis is so magnificent' bullshit."

"Well, honestly, I have only seen two penises, yours and his. And I'm crazy about yours."

I was encouraged that he was not outraged at my perversion. I was hopeful. He was not already looking at me as though I was a pariah.

"Well, I am ashamed to admit this, but the image of Gary's penis was etched in my mind. I am embarrassed to admit this, but that night, in the privacy of my bedroom, I masturbated while thinking about that glorious image."

Robert chuckled, "Oh, you are a naughty little girl, aren't you? So that's your big secret? You saw your brother's penis and masturbated thinking about it?"

"No, there is more...quite a bit more," I said with a noticeable quiver in my voice

"Okay. Again, I'm listening."

"The next morning I went to check on Gary. I brought him two Tylenol and a glass of orange juice. I also delivered his laundry. Robert, I was hoping for another peek at his penis."

"You are a wicked little girl. I love it," Robert responded.

"You are about to learn just how naughty. Gary was still under the sheet in precisely the same position I left him. I woke him and handed him the Tylenol and the OJ. He sat up, the sheet wrapped around his waist. But he had a huge hard-on that formed a large tent under the sheet. "

"I was wearing my normal night time attire, a t-shirt and panties. I shamelessly sat on the edge of his bed in front of him, 'Indian style' with my legs crossed. Seated as I was, I knew I was giving my stepbrother an unobstructed view of the damp gusset of my panties. I guess I wanted him to know I had something special to look at too. Silly, huh?"

"No, not silly at all; sexy and wickedly naughty," Robert answered.

"Robert, I tried to ignore the large boner propping up his sheet, but my eyes kept wandering back to the huge pole sticking straight up from his crotch. Finally, unable to ignore it any longer, I said something like, 'Jesus, Gary - what gives with the boner?'"

"Gary was unashamed. Without any shame he said, 'That ain't nothing but a little morning wood. It happens every morning,' he said. He was completely at ease with his erection. He seemed proud of it."

"He sounds comfortable with himself. I guess I respect that," Robert said, trying to reassure me.

"Oh god, he was more than confident. He sat there, his cock holding up the sheet. I was so distracted by his erect penis, I could not help myself. I asked, 'How do you get rid of it?' Keep in mind, I was young, inexperienced and naïve. And I was truly curious." 

"Gary quipped, 'If I don't have a lovely young lady willing to give me a helping hand, I have to work the stiffness out of my joint myself, manually.' Robert,...