As I climbed over the railing, he caught on to my intentions.

Carolyn ... wait ... what are you doing? You cannot swim!

"I can't spend the rest of my life like this, Percy."

Gathering all the courage within me, I decided to face Death and peered down at the rushing water below. Tears stained my cheeks as I released my grip on the railing.

No! I forb-

The sting of the icy water cut through his last word to me.

~ooOoo~

One month prior...

I had enjoyed another afternoon with my classmate, Edward, getting a bite to eat at a local pub. His friendly demeanour whisked away my shyness. Our conversations freely flowed and we even enjoyed a few lively yet painless debates. There was no such thing as a painless debate with Percy. This was something that nagged the back of my mind. 

I returned to my flat, somewhat concerned about Percy's emotional state. He had been quiet throughout my afternoon with Edward. He didn't make me wait long before sharing his thoughts.

Edward arouses you. I feel it.

Sighing, I replied, "Percy, we've been over this. He's just my friend."

When will you bring him to our bed?

"Never! I've told you I believe monogamy is best for me. I don't understand these ideas of yours, Percy."

That is your religion talking! Mary and I frequently invited our housemates to share in our lovemaking. 

"You did? That just ... just doesn't seem like what God intends for me, Percy. The romantic in me believes in one man and one woman."

Each person found it fulfilling, Carolyn. I trust you will find it satisfying. And when he makes love to you, I will bask in not only your ecstasy but his as well. 

My chest tightened. "Percy, please don't hurt me. Why do you hurt me?" My eyes filled with tears.

I'm teaching you the errors in your thinking, and as such, perfecting you.

"I don't like you angry. You scare me." 

Then do not anger me, Carolyn. I do not like when you anger me either. It drains me. 

Defeated tears wet my cheeks. I never seemed to gain his understanding of my beliefs. 

I will give you time to reflect and accept and then you will bring Edward into our bed. 

Fearing another painful response from him, I voiced agreement but knew it was something I could never do. At least, those were my thoughts at that time. Percy had a way of breaking my resolve, which was proving more and more troubling. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to separate his thoughts from my own. In truth, my greatest fear was losing myself entirely to Percy. 

My heart, however, battled my head over Percy and wouldn't accept the man I loved wasn't who I thought he was, so I kept blaming myself for our uncomfortable fights. At times I grew anxious tiptoeing around his feelings, carefully choosing subjects for discussion. It became clear we had vastly different ideas about the world. I didn't understand why, but it was of utmost importance to Percy that my views aligned with his. Often, I questioned my well-being with him, then we would enjoy intimacy and those worries would be masked by love. Truly, I did love him and his passionate side and would resign myself, once again, to strive to keep him content and happy with me. 

The next morning, I took Percy to the harbour, which he always enjoyed. We happily chatted and he assisted me in my poetry. I basked in his company as I had in the beginning of our relationship. That night, Percy and I lay in bed. He was stimulating the sensitive skin on my neck, being even more affectionate than of late. Somehow his kisses dissolved any hurt from earlier fights. 

Carolyn?

"Yes, Percy."

I want you to touch yourself. Intimately. 

I sucked in my breath. "Percy, I can't. Haven't ever. I ... I just can't."

A woman should not be ashamed of her sexuality.

"Touching myself as you suggest seems unnatural to me. Surely against God?" I knew I was treading on dangerous territory again, but had to voice my worry.

What, God wants to deprive you of your pleasure?

"I ... I don't know."

Seek happiness in your pure and perfect bosom. Touch yourself.

I hesitated.

Obey me, Carolyn.

I slid my hand up my nightgown and softly grazed my nipple. It tingled by my touch. I repeated my movements on the other nipple. Both stiffened instantly.

WItness how they delight from your touch. 

Despite my reservations, I couldn't deny the aching now present between my legs. My fingers explored my breasts, massaging, pinching my nipples until moans escaped my lips. 

That is good, my darling. Your sexual energy brings me nourishment.

"Percy..."

Slide your hands over your body. Feel your contours, Carolyn. There is nothing in the world as magnificently designed as a woman's form. Your scent. Your curves. Your textures. All were created to arouse and stimulate. 

My hands traced my ribs then slid lower, hesitating at the waistband of my panties. With bravery, I slipped a hand inside and between my thighs. Excitement was building. My skin flushed with arousal. My breath quickened. 

Graze your fingertips along your silky folds, my love. When ready, slip one finger inside your moist centre. Do you feel your wetness?

Gingerly, I dipped a finger inside my most private of places. Warmth and wetness greeted me. My natural instinct was to raise my hips, meeting my finger, engulfing it deeper. These were the first physical touches inside my sacred space. I was grateful Percy was here to guide me, helping ease me into this previous self-forbidden experience. 

Bring your finger to your nose and deeply, slowly inhale, my beloved.

His words shocked me. "Percy ... I ... I can't."

Do it, Carolyn. Smell that which draws me to you. 

Not wanting to disappoint him, I removed my finger and brought it to my nose. Catching the first whiff of my sex surprised me. The odour was not something familiar, but not unpleasant either. 

Now taste yourself. Taste what a man will delight in tasting. 

I obeyed, easing my finger inside my mouth then back out again. Hmmm. I wasn't quite sure how to describe the taste, but like my smell, thankfully not unpleasant. 

Return your fingers to your sodden centre. 

Between my legs ached for my attentions again. This time, I bravely inserted two fingers, plunging in and out with more gusto. 

Your growing arousal arouses me in kind. How does that feel? 

"Good," I said between gasps. My voice quivered with my legs as my body raced toward that glorious edge.

Explore, my darling. Discover your depth. I accompany you on your journey of self-discovery. 

I varied my thrusts, stroking my inner walls, twisting my fingers, plunging deeper until my palm cupped my mound. So good! My fingers felt soooo good!

"Percy!" I screamed as my body shuddered and trembled, hips continuing to buck against my pleasuring fingers.

Flood my Spirit with your sweet release, Carolyn!

His Spirit pressed upon me, comforting me throughout my release. Afterwards, contentment provided me with a peaceful night sleep. Any fears I had about Percy had been temporarily laid to rest ... for that night anyway.

Despite the next few days passing without incident, worries of how Percy treated me resurfaced. I longed to see Edward and asked him to meet me at the harbour. It was nice to have a friend I could actually see. Not so long ago, I had treasured friends, but then I retreated from life after my mother died. I guess guilt and sadness, maybe a little depression, took their toll on me. And then I met Percy and he brought me out of my isolation, showing me the life I'd been missing. 

As we walked, Edward stopped us to watch boats coming into the harbour. His scent was different today - sandalwood. I recognized it because my father wore that scent. Curious how I was becoming more acutely aware of things I couldn't experience with my love, Percy. 

"I love the water, Carolyn. There's something calming about it."

"I have always loved the water too, despite the fact I can't swim."

He turned to me, mouth agape. "No? Seriously, you can't swim?"

"Nope. And many have tried teaching me."

"I bet I could teach you," he winked. "I was a prominent member of my grammar school swim club, you know."

"No, I did not know, but prominent or not, you couldn't teach me to swim."

"That sounds like a challenge!" His eyes widened in excitement, "I know ... I will teach you to swim and you will teach me to write like one of the great poets." He winked at me again and playfully bumped his shoulder against mine. “You know, your recent poetry keeps getting better and better ... reminds me of Keats.”

“Keats! That's quite a compliment, Edward.” I turned and sat down on the bench behind us, patting the empty spot beside me. 

He joined me and continued, “I mean it, Carolyn.”

He stretched his arm behind me, resting it on the back of the bench. I felt his hand grazing my shoulder and couldn't help enjoying this closeness with Edward.

My eyes drifted down to his jeans and the noticeable bulge in the crotch area. Of late, I had found myself surveying Edward's body - his broad shoulders, muscled arms, etched jawline. I would describe him as ruggedly handsome - a sharp contrast to Percy's pretty-boy good looks. His presence stirred something sensual within me and my panties dampened. 

My gaze lingered too long and when I met Edward's eyes, his face was plastered in an all-knowing grin. His hand gently squeezed my shoulder and my body ignited. His touches had quite an effect on me.

My joy lasted only a moment before thoughts of Percy flooded my mind and the words spurted out before I could stop myself. “So, what about Shelley?”

He quickly responded. “Most definitely, Mary was a great writer. Frankenstein will always be one of my favs.”

“No ... umm ... I meant her husband, Percy.” Always aware of Percy's presence, I was hoping Edward would cast a few compliments his way to prevent any angry outbursts from him later. 

“Oh." He frowned a bit. "He was a bit radical, wasn’t he? I think when most hear the name ‘Shelley’, they think of Mary.”

Pain stabbed my insides and I doubled over, unable to move. “Oh, God!”

“Carolyn, what’s wrong?” He put his hand on my back and leaned his face down to where my head was between my knees.

I struggled to form words through the pain. “Something ... I ate ... I think. God, this hurts! Percy, stop! My stomach cramped something awful. "I better ... go ... Edward.”

“Here, let me help you to your car.” He stood offering his hand, forehead crinkled with concern.

The pain subsided and I stood, slowly straightening out my body. “Whew! The pain is better now. I think I can make it, but thank you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t drive?”

“No, I’m good now, Edward. I just need to lie down a bit.”

"I'm walking you to your car. No arguments."

I saw no use in arguing with him and he put his arm around my shoulder and held onto me until I reached my car. It was nice - the physical touch from him. I had missed someone touching me. My mother had been a hugger, never failing to hug me hello or goodbye. Enjoying it, I lost myself to his embrace and lay my head on his shoulder as we walked, temporarily forgetting about Percy. 

When we reached my car, we stood looking at one another in silence. I'm not sure why neither of us spoke. His eyes darted from my eyes to my lips. For a minute, I thought he might kiss me. Fear and curiosity and anticipation all struck me at once. But, it was not to be. He leaned in for a quick hug and walked away, saying he'd see me in class. 

Percy was quiet on my drive home, so I remained quiet too. Once back inside my flat and not wanting a repeat of the harbour, I thought it was a good time to bring up something I had been pondering. I thought Percy would enjoy me seeking his opinion on the matter. 

"Percy," I asked. 

Yes, my love.

I was relieved by his term of endearment towards me. His anger seemed to have evaporated. "I think I may want to write a romantic story. What do you think?"

Why would you think such a ridiculous notion? Poetry is the highest form of art, so why would you purposefully deviate from it.

"But, Mary wrote-"

Mary never lived up to her parentage! I forbid you to waste our talents on vulgar prose!

Our talents? Before I could respond, my throat constricted. "Percy..." I panicked, gasping for air. As I clawed frantically at nothingness, he repeated, I forbid it.

He held me in that choked state for what seemed like an eternity as my hands shot to my throat, thinking I could pry his invisible hands from my throat. When it suited him, my throat loosened and I fell to my knees loudly sucking in air amidst sobs. After that episode, I finally, finally, accepted the awful truth - Percy was a danger to me.

With my emotions raw and mind scrambling for a solution, there would be no sleep for me that night. My body felt especially weighed down by him as I tossed and turned. Of course, Percy felt my negative energy. I could hide nothing from him.

You made me do it, Carolyn. You alone. 

His words haunted me the next day too. I felt ... trapped. There was literally no escaping him. With a heavy heart, I clearly saw the direness of my circumstances. There would be no more casting those fears to the side. He had finally broken whatever it was that had clung to the idea he was my perfect love. I had to get rid of Percy! But how? Finally, my tortured mind arrived at a truly terrifying answer. I would need help from my one and only friend. 

When I met Edward for lunch, he immediately noticed my melancholy mood and asked what had happened. Of course, I couldn't tell him. How could I tell anyone with Percy always listening? And so, I put on a happy face, made idle chit-chat, and stopped his line of questioning. He couldn't arouse suspicion from Percy and I couldn't risk another violent outburst by Percy either.

No one noticed the note I slipped inside Edward's jacket as we hugged goodbye. 

~ooOoo~

I awoke the next morning with purpose. Luckily, Percy was happy I wanted to go for a walk to the harbour and failed to notice my steadily increasing heartbeat and sweaty palms. 

As I climbed over the railing, he caught on to my intentions.

Carolyn ... wait ... what are you doing? You cannot swim!

"I can't spend the rest of my life like this, Percy."

Gathering all the courage within me, I decided to face Death and peered down at the rushing water below. Tears stained my cheeks as I released my grip on the railing.

No! I forb-

The sting of the icy water cut through his last word to me.

As I plunged below the surface, my instinct to live hit hard. My arms and legs, having never accomplished the art of swimming, flailed about haphazardly in panic. Their efforts failed miserably as I continued to sink into the depths, my wet clothes weighing me down. Panic had a firm grasp; however, I couldn't open my mouth to scream. 

Everywhere I looked was the same landscape - nothing but water. What had I expected? Cramping followed by numbness in my extremities set in, making movement all the more difficult. I, though desperate for the suffering to end, couldn't force myself to open my mouth. 

One cannot know the agony of running out of air until you experience it for yourself. My head screamed for oxygen, feeling as if it might burst. The water's depths were silent except for the ringing in my ears. Worst of all, some unseen force had a death grip around my chest. I cried out to God in those last moments. Percy had failed in turning me against Him.

Right before the end, I heard a voice. I love you, Carolyn. It wasn't your fault. It was my mother's voice.

I looked up as a ray of light filtered through the water; an involuntary spasmodic breath dragged water into my mouth and lungs, drowning me...

~ooOoo~

I awoke with my lungs burning, cursing at me while I lay on my side spewing murky water tinged with blood. The few puffs of air I managed to inhale were helping clear the fog from my near-death experience. 

"Carolyn, thank God you're alright!" Edward's warm body covered my wet, shivering one.

"Edward?" I sputtered. "You came..." My retching continued, but he didn't move. My lungs felt as if they were being clawed with each cough. 

"Yes, just a few minutes late. I'm so sorry I was late, Carolyn!" His beautiful brown eyes pleaded forgiveness from me.

"No ... no, you arrived just in time." I gripped his body with inexpressible gratitude for saving my life. 

He kissed my cheek. "Giving you CPR was not how I envisioned our lips first touching." We both giggled, squeezing against one another. "I hope to get another try."

I must have been a ghastly sight, but one wouldn't know by the smile adorning his face. By now, Edward was almost as wet as I was, but he seemed oblivious, never taking his eyes off me. I warmed thinking of the possibilities with Edward. I hadn't been sure he would get my note. If he did, would he even come? It had been my only way out. 

As I clung to Edward, I noticed the silence. Percy Shelley was truly gone from me.

~ooOoo~

Years later…

It took me some time to recover from my relationship with Percy. I guess that is the way with most first loves.

I never told anyone about him. They’d have surely thought me mad. Maybe they would have been right. Soon after my near-death experience, I had wondered about the realness of my time with Percy. Had the Spirit of Percy Shelley really possessed me? When I visited the Shelley family vault years ago, I was a very lonely girl, still grieving the loss of my mother. I hadn't told anyone about my mother's suicide - how afterwards, I had felt responsible for her sadness. Curious that Mary Shelley and I both bore the weight of our mother's deaths. Did heartache give birth to creative talents? Maybe my mind created the Spirit of Percy to comfort myself until I could face the world again. If what had happened to me was real and not a mourning girl's delusion, I hoped his Spirit ended up in Heaven. Maybe one day I’d know. 

My life took a turn for the better. Professor Wentworth used his extensive pull to get a few of my poems included in some collections. With new contacts established, I published my first fictional novel, The Ghostwriter. Although perhaps it wasn't really fiction, over time, my doubt dissipated. It was my story of a wannabe poet who became possessed by famous Romantic poet, Percy Shelley. 

I hoped to make a name for myself in the literary world with that publication. Maybe one day, my name would be mentioned with the likes of Percy Shelley. I had to thank him for freeing my passion and teaching me about writing with my soul. I forgave him for his dark side, considering it may have fueled his creative genius. 

It's curious how the water he wrote about and loved so much would take his life once, maybe twice. Poetic justice?

~ The End ~