Robbie’s bedroom felt secluded and safe as though it’d been shut off from the rest of the world. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d just lain with someone; bodies, warmth and a shared afterglow. It felt better than anything. Outside the window the day crept closer, the sky glowing with a pale early-morning hue. Two chipped mugs of steaming black coffee were balanced precariously on the edge of the bedside table.
“Why’d you turn the light off?” I asked.
Robbie shifted. “What, last night? I thought you’d prefer the dark.”
“I don’t mind,” I said and after a pause added, “I thought you didn’t want me to see you naked.”
He laughed. “What, you figured I had something to hide? Average plus, right?”
I gave him a look and he laughed.
“Right?” he asked again.
I swallowed. “I don’t know.”
His smile creased up his whole face.
“C’mon, Ally. Give me something.”
“I don’t know.” I bit my lip, trying not to smile. “Maybe, XL?”
He pressed his face into the pillow.
“God! You’re just saying that!”
I let him laugh. Maybe it was immature to talk about it. It didn’t change anything.
“Oh, really?” I pushed at his shoulder. “So you think you’d be this goddamn arrogant in bed if you genuinely believed you weren’t well-endowed?”
He looked at me.
“Ally, I said average-plus! You’re the one who had to go and exaggerate! XL! For fuck’s sake!”
“Stop acting like I’m offending you.”
“I am offended! You’re making me out to be some kind of monster!”
I laughed. “You are!”
He propped himself up on an elbow, serious all of a sudden.
“But I haven’t scared you away? In all seriousness?”
“I’m still here, aren’t I?”
His eyes met mine and he smiled.
“You know, I always tell myself I should be happy. Grateful. Because here we are living in this city and we have food and water and shelter and there’s no fucking war or anything. And yet, I kind of have to make an effort to be happy. But around you, it’s not an effort. It’s so, so, easy, Ally. Especially right now. This moment.”
I couldn’t let the seriousness of what he was saying sink into me. It was too much. It was too good. I raised an eyebrow.
“D’you say this to every girl you get into bed?”
His eyes narrowed.
“No, actually. It doesn’t usually take this long, for a start. And then, it doesn’t feel as good or quite go to plan.”
“You had a plan?” I asked, affronted. “To what? Tie me up?”
He smirked.
“I wanted to tie you up the moment I saw you.”
“If that’s supposed to be romantic, it really isn’t.”
He smiled, his hand skimming over my side.
“Depends what your version of romance is. Is it like flowers, diamonds, love hearts and words? Or is it less pretentious than all that? ‘Cause sure it’s nice to give someone gifts and promises but it’s like someone else’s version of how you ought to treat someone you love.”
I swallowed hard as his hand moved south.
“And what’s your version?” I managed to say.
“Mine?”
His hand was resting against my leg, waiting for access. His fingers tapped against me thoughtfully.
“Just being honest. Wanting the best for them. No competitions, no games. Well, sex aside.” He laughed. “I don’t know. I’ve never needed to think about it before.” His eyes met mine. “Is that bad? Would that be a deal breaker?”
“What? Not getting flowers? Uh, yes!” I laughed and he took the opportunity to move on top of me, his knee pushing my legs apart.
“You’d rather have flowers than this?” he asked. His hand moved against my snatch and I closed my eyes, pushing back against his fingers.
“Flowers versus third base,” I breathed. “Tricky one.”
He laughed, and I felt his chain slink across my skin as he moved to lean over me.
“You’re so fucking perfect,” he breathed. “Are you for real?”
“No. Just a figment of your imagination.”
“You feel real,” he mused, fingers pushing inside me. “And you definitely did when my cock was in you.”
“That was just your hand,” I quipped. “As usual.”
He breathed out a laugh.
“Why’d you make me wait so long, anyway? Did you get off on it? Imagining how I jacked off over you?”
Two of his fingers had curled inside my snatch and his thumb rested on my clit. Every time I tried to push back at him to increase the pressure, he lifted his thumb out of the way. It was maddening.
“Did you?” he asked again.
“No. I just – wasn’t sure.”
“’Bout what?”
I opened my eyes and his gaze locked to mine.
“Whether you were what I wanted.”
A shadow of understanding crossed his face.
“You just got out of something – serious?”
I shifted but his weight was on me, holding me in place.
“I – no,” I finally said, “Not serious. It was – sex. Not a relationship.”
His eyebrow lifted.
“Friends with benefits?”
I blushed. “Kinda.”
He smirked. “Good benefits?”
“Yeah. Not bad. Can we not talk about this when your fingers are inside me?”
Robbie smiled.
“But I wanna know!”
“Why?!”
He pulled a face. “Call it morbid curiosity.”
“I’m not telling you anything else.”
His thumb pushed at my clit.
“Then I’m not gonna let you come.”
I huffed out a sigh and tried my best to ignore his probing hand.
“Does hearing about other men fucking me turn you on? Please tell me you’re not one of those guys.”
He laughed.
“Sorry to disappoint. No. Kidding. I guess I just wanna do everything he did to you and more so I win. It’s a male pride thing. Ego. You know?”
I groaned. “If men didn’t have cocks they’d be so annoying.”
He snorted.
“Thank God for cocks, huh?”
“Amen.”
He couldn’t stop laughing and neither could I. It was bizarre the way we were together, naked and open and drunk on sex. He wouldn’t stop with the questions, and when I tried to turn them back on him, he had all the answers. Two serious ex-girlfriends and a string of fleeting relationships. It seemed as though he wanted to answer every question I could come up with, as if this would somehow obligate me to follow suit.
“So, this guy,” he began, once I’d had enough of hearing about his previous conquests. “What’s his job?”
I sighed. “I’m not sure. He had like a country club or something. I don’t know what he actually did. He never talked much about - life.”
“Son of a bitch,” Robbie muttered. “Was he older?”
“Yeah. Kinda.”
“Kinda?” His smile reappeared, simultaneously teasing and warming. “What, was he like some sugar daddy? Did he buy you diamonds?”
“What?! No!” I pulled away from him and sat up. “I’m not some kind of – gold digger.”
“I’m kidding!” Robbie pulled me back down. “God, you’re so uptight about him! Was he a good fuck?”
I scoffed. “You’re unreal.”
“Was he a better fuck than me? Just say yes or no. I won’t be offended.” He pressed his forehead to my shoulder, trying to hide his face. “I can be better,” he mumbled. “Yesterday was – the first time. I could have lasted longer, I swear! And I was being mean. If I wanted to, I could’ve made you come like ten times before I did. So,” He looked keenly at me. “Just bear that in mind before you answer.”
“I haven’t really known you long enough to say,” I pondered. “But I’d pick you. He was kinda selfish.”
Robbie tried not to look pleased but failed miserably.
“Did he fuck your ass?”
“Oh my god!” I sat up. “You’re – unbelievable!”
He smirked triumphantly. “So that’s a yes.”
“Why do you like torturing me? I thought you were nice!”
“Oh, come on!” He tugged at my arm. “Did you like it? My ex, Sandy, she used to go nuts if I even touched her there. She’d storm off calling me a homo. Then she dated this older guy and he told me they did it. Is that a thing? Is it easier with older guys? Maybe they’re gentler. Maybe more experienced.”
I slipped off the bed and hunted for my clothes. He didn’t stop talking.
“I mean, yeah, I’m hardly a vanilla guy but I don’t wanna hurt a girl. You know? It’s all fun. It should be fucking fun, trying to pull one another out of all that jumped-up insecurity. And yeah, relationships should be about more than sex but once you hit a roadblock, once you disagree on something it becomes more and more of an obsession. This guy; did you just let him fuck your ass immediately? Or did you make him wait? Hey, where the hell are you going?”
I finished dressing and looked at him. He lay propped up on the bed, one leg bent at the knee, his hair in disarray and his weight resting on his inked forearms.
“You literally have no filter,” I said and I felt as though I should be angry but the whole thing felt too goddamn surreal. “I didn’t sign up for this kinda talk.”
“I just wanna know!” he groaned. “Come on, Ally!”
“I’m not comfortable talking about it,” I sulked. “The past is in the past.”
“It’s just talk,” Robbie coaxed, “Just words. We shouldn’t hide stuff from each other, should we?”
He stepped languidly off the bed and stretched, walking towards me.
“We shouldn’t hide stuff?” I asked. “Nothing?”
“Of course not!”
“Nothing?” I frowned. “What about – cigarettes?”
He stopped short. He tried for a smile.
“Huh. Well.”
I smiled. He narrowed his eyes.
“How long have you known?”
“Since our first date.”
His eyes widened.
“Fuck! And you didn’t even say?! I chewed so much gum! I’d lean out the window so my clothes wouldn’t get smoky. I washed my hands, used fucking mouthwash, and you knew?”
I bit my lip.
“Yep.”
***
Robbie and I didn’t consciously rush the stages of our relationship. We didn’t do anything prematurely but even so, I got the feeling that things were moving too fast. Everything seemed to go fast when we were together. I knew that I’d fallen hard for him but knowing it didn’t stop it. I felt almost as though I was taking a risk by investing myself so totally in him. I couldn’t help it. I’d had half-hearted relationships before but being with Robbie had felt different since the first date. I’d never wanted someone so badly.
I tried to be rational about it but I’d lie awake at night unable to stop imagining what our future could look like. He had to be a part of it. Life before Robbie seemed grey and unimportant; routine monotony. With him, it was a different life altogether. Even just walking in the street with him amplified the whole experience of walking. I can’t explain it. There’s something warm about being with another person, and if you like that person and they like you, there’s nothing better. Life might have been fundamentally the same as it always had been but having Robbie around changed my entire perspective on it. All of a sudden, things became brighter.
I wanted to do everything with him and I didn’t want to share him. I’d never thought of myself a particularly selfish person before but I wanted to keep Robbie all to myself. I didn’t feel as though I had to hide him but I simply did not want anyone else to steal him away from me. I didn’t want him to talk to my brother about football. And when my friends at work asked when they’d get to meet him, I always gave a noncommittal answer. Again, I can’t explain it. I just felt as though he was mine. All mine.
It sounds psychotic, I guess, like some crazy obsessive girlfriend syndrome. But it wasn’t exactly like that. I mean, he had friends. He had people he’d see and I was fine with them. I liked them. I think that beneath the surface, I was a little afraid that the people I knew might find him, well, wanting. After all, there were his tattoos. And the cigarettes. And he’d technically been unemployed since having an enormous argument with his boss at the Sky Hotel. He’d told me it was a non-issue.
“Honestly, Ally, he’s fired and hired me like ten times in as many months. It’s really not a big deal. Besides, I’m hardly broke or anything. And if I was, I could move in with you, right?”
