I recently received a question from a follower who will remain nameless to protect her innocence: Dear Sir, Okay… I want the most honest answers you can give me. 1. Describe to me in detail how you perform oral sex.

I can't...quite...reach...it... Oh, you mean like on another person? Right, well it has been a while (blows dusts off the Nudus Foris archival memory files). Let me see: "Cuban holiday", "culinary delights"... Ah, here we are: "cunnilingus". But first a warning, gentle readers - this story may include phrases such as "succulent feminine love petals"; and the techniques described below should not be attempted by anyone allergic to quim or wearing orthodontic braces.

This sort of thing usually begins with scallops and the boeuf bourguignon at Le Chateaubriand, washed down with a bottle of 1927 Krug. After an evening of witty double entendre, suggestive napkin origami and smouldering glances over the cheese I lean over and whisper, "you have 30 seconds to get your panties on the table, or there will be - " [Good God, Nudus - get on with the story or we'll be here all night!]

Sorry, fast forwarding through the walk home, the opening of the door and the stumbling in, the slow dance down the hallway, the scruff of my chin on the back of your neck and my hands on your dress cupping your breasts as we glide towards the bedroom. The clothes hastily discarded in careless piles, the kicking off of shoes and the meeting of mouths and skin and giggles. Then I fall back onto the bed, pulling you on top of me. I suck your nipples into my mouth and you reach behind your back to take me into your hand. I pry your fingers off my cock and grabbing your arse, pull you up, up until you are kneeling over my face. Your pretty vulva is just inches away with its patch of curly dark hair and protruding labia already glistening with desire. I lift my head to kiss your sweet tasting lips, and slide an exploratory tongue between them, taking drops of moisture and gliding my tongue up and up to circle your clitoris.

You moan now, and spreading your legs further lower yourself onto my face. This is how I want you: anxious and trembling, your buttocks tightening as you press down onto my mouth and slide your slit from my nose to my chin. I extend my tongue and you ride it like a little cock up and down while I reach up and take your breasts in my hands, squeezing and teasing your hard little nipples. I can tell you are getting close and you squeal as I push you off and flip you unceremoniously onto your back.

I spread and pin your legs so that your knees are up by your chest, your feet helpless in the air and your swollen cunt high and exposed. I kiss your thighs now and you squirm and call me a fucking tease but you know I will take my time and your pleasure will be all the greater for the waiting. I nuzzle at your cunt, savouring the sweet heady fragrance, then take your pubes in my hand and pull upwards so your swollen clit protrudes and I take it between my lips, sucking it gently in and out of my mouth. I slide a finger into your hot slippery hole, and then another, and pump them steadily in and out in time with your ragged breathing, curling my fingers deep inside as if beckoning your orgasm out.

And then you cry out, jerk and twitch. The world goes quiet as your thighs clamp around my ears and my fingers are nearly squeezed out of you. As I slide them back in I feel a gush of your cum onto my fingers and hand. I hold your clit between my lips and wait for your orgasm to subside, then remove my fingers and kiss your sopping lips.

Then I slide up your body, sucking each tit in turn on the way. My cock head touches the opening to your cunt and I growl into your ear that this is only the beginning...