New Year’s Resolution-June
Journal entry-I've had many questions going through my mind the last couple of weeks and honestly I don’t have any answers right now. Hopefully after finishing writing in out and exorcising some of my thoughts on paper, solutions will show themselves.
First, how is the relationship with Molly and my kids progressing? MJ and Erin are the most important people in my life and even when they leave the nest, that won’t change. If Molly’s feelings for me are as strong as mine for her, another talk with the kids will be needed. I assumed Erin would be the one keeping an arm’s length from Molly; wrong. I know Molly is making an effort at getting to know Erin. But the connection between our daughters have made it an easier process than would be otherwise.
MJ, on the other hand, has been polite and respectful. Thinking about it, he has been a little distant to not just Molly but also Erin and me. The anniversary of Diane’s death may be the cause that has been keeping him surly. I’ll give it another month to let him work it out and if he can’t, a “come to Jesus” talk may be needed.
The second is a continuation of the first; how do I feel about Molly? When I was with Lisa my feelings were adolescent hormones and all physical. Diane was an instant attraction but the love grew through a steadily increasing burn. Molly just exploded into my life and we’ve been throwing gas on the fire since. Three different women with different reactions have me unsure of my next steps.
And those steps are going to be important ones not just for me but for all those I love. All those I love includes Molly. I am in love with Molly. How is that for a kick in the ass? And what do I do about it? Do I tell her and see if she feels the same? I’m not sure if this is the best month for this to come out. Let’s put that away for now. I hope I will know when the time is right.
I have a hard time with the idea of Molly having sex with those that I consider friends, close friends. Over the past five months I have shed blood, sweat, and tears, literally, with these people. How am I going to get over the fact that Molly has danced the mattress Mumba with not only Heidi but the rest of the group? And sometimes doing it with more than one at a time?
Yes, I know that what I am saying is a crock of shit. Have I ever fantasized about having two women at the same time? Let me see if I still have a heartbeat and a penis. Yep, still have the parts. And how sexist it is that I can have that fantasy, but feel uncomfortable with Molly to have hers with two men? Again, I think it would be hot to watch Molly having sex with another female, though watching two men does nothing for me. I’m not a homophobe but I am a hypocrite in this case.
To sum up: MJ is acting remote for reasons unknown, Erin is making a new friend in Patti, I am in love with Molly but uneasy picturing her with someone else, and I’m a fraud about how it will affect us.
-=-
June 1
I can’t wait until the weekend. I am in a strange world where I can’t wait for my kids to go away so I can spend adult time with Molly. I love them with all my heart, but would it hurt for both to be out of the house more? I cannot spend much time over at her place with Patti home, as clothes come off as soon as either gets inside. Molly is understandably apprehensive spending the night here until “the time is right” to do so. When that will be is anyone’s guess.
I feel good today. I got up early for a run to the gym, got in a workout with Maria in her yoga pants, and an easy jog home. Showered and ready for the rest of the day I go downstairs, already hearing mine yapping just like old times.
“Good morning, children,” I call out. “Who made the coffee today?”
“I did, dad; you’re safe,” Erin replies. “We won’t need the defibrillator today.”
“You guys might as well drink a nice chamomile tea if you can’t handle a little caffeine,” MJ interjects.
“MJ, I like caffeine. In fact, I couldn’t live without it. But when you make the coffee the spoon dissolves if left in the cup too long. What do you guys plan to do this weekend?”
“I am going to head up to see Margo,” MJ says, referring to his girlfriend of two years. “I am probably going to leave later today and be back Sunday some time to get ready for work Monday.”
“Patti and I are going to talk to Maria about helping with babysitting services over the summer,” Erin says. “According to Molly they are always looking for summer help. After that we are planning to head to the beach for a long weekend with some friends from college.”
“Great, remember to text me when you get where you’re going. Yes, I can see you rolling your eyes in your mind but I will always be your dad, and it is my job to worry. I will worry less if I know you got there, so drive carefully.
“I know I don’t need to remind you about what next weekend is. My plan is to go out to talk to your mom like I did last year. I’m only telling you what I plan to do. If you want to go with me, by yourself, or not go at all is entirely your own decision, without judgment. Just want to let you know that I am here if you need me, either or both of you.”
“Is she going with you?” MJ asks with some heat.
“What MJ is trying to say,” Erin interjects, “and not so diplomatically, I may add, is we see it looks serious between you and Molly. We were just wondering before you came down just how much so. We are your kids, and it’s our job to worry.”
“You always were a smart ass. If you are asking my intentions, I really don’t have any as such right now. I do have serious feelings toward her and her for me, but at this point I am enjoying the days together as I know how precious they can be. Do I see Molly in my life for some time? I think I do. But to answer your question, MJ, no I am going to visit your mom by myself. I have things I would like to tell her that’s between us.”
-=-
June 10
Sitting by Diane’s gravesite, I think back to the day when we buried her. It started as an overcast sky with the chance of rain. For once, the meteorologist was correct in their prediction. It began in a slight drizzle and by the time we said our final goodbyes, it was coming down in buckets. It was a miserable day all around.
Today, though, is gorgeous. The sun is shining, the clouds high with a slight wind coming in from the northwest. When playing sports, this is the kind of day we call perfect. I see a female monarch butterfly hover and gently land on top of the stone we had placed in her memory.
“Diane,” I begin talking to the butterfly, “I miss you and think about you every day since you passed. I am also reminded most every day of the time we had together for those many years. At times those memories are hard, and others a comfort but are always welcome.
“I want to apologize for the things I said last year. I was still whirling from your death. Saying that you ‘left us’ was unfair to you so I am sorry about that. I’ve found out that I am stronger than I thought.
“Let me catch you up on current events. MJ just finished his junior year at the University and is doing really well. He is studying computer programming and currently near the top of his class. I take full credit of course for his success. He has an internship close to home this summer with a company that belongs to a friend of a friend.
“On the romantic front, he is dating Margo and has for some time. I believe they are serious. They met late into their freshman year and ‘just clicked'. Sound familiar? I believe our little boy is in love. I imagine an announcement sometime in the next year, and will be back to let you know as soon as I know.
“Erin just finished her first year at the College. She didn’t want to be known as MJ’s little sister any longer, hence the different school. She finished with a 4.0, without a major as yet. She is not dating as far as I know, but says she is getting out of the dorm and library to socialize.
“As for me, I am in a good place. I would like to say I handled your passing gracefully but that would be a lie. I fell into a pretty deep hole but managed to crawl out. The credit sits entirely on your children. They paid for a VIP gym membership this year and its doing wonders. I go there almost every day either lifting, running, or, believe it or not, yoga.
“And it’s not only the exercise, but I have met and fallen in love again. Her name is Molly and I have not told her yet. We met a few months ago and instantly recognized each other. I am not sure if I can explain it any other way. I don’t know when I sit here next year if we would be together, but I know you would agree that every moment is precious and not to waste them.”
The butterfly then rose, flew to me, and gave a little kiss on my cheek. A sense of content fell upon me I have not felt for two years. I know what I have to do. I take a look at my watch and realize I spent over two hours thinking and talking.
-=-
At what point, I wonder, did it become natural to take my clothes off when I enter Molly’s house? I don't doubt that a year ago I would not have felt this casual about being naked, but somehow at this point in my life, I can’t imagine being otherwise.
“Hello, ladies,” I say as I enter the kitchen. “And how are…?” My jaw drops as I witness a very passionate kiss between the two beauties. Molly is pressed against the counter with Heidi towering over her. Upon my entrance they separate like caught teenagers.
“Michael, I did not expect you so soon,” Molly says. “How are you? I haven’t been able to do anything at all today, being worried, so I invited Heidi over in case you needed to talk to someone because I didn’t know if you wanted to talk to me and she is my best friend. I’m rambling; I’m sorry.”
“Hey, I’m good,” I say as I go over for a comforting hug. “Actually I am better than good. Diane and I had a nice visit and now I am with you and Heidi. On my way out of the cemetery I ran into the girls; check that, not girls, but women; that is, our daughters. Patti mentioned Heidi was with you and I figured the reasons why. I don’t need to talk, but thanks for thinking of me, and thank you Heidi for being here for both of us.”
“You are very welcome, Mike,” Heidi states. “I’ll head home and leave you guys alone. Call me if you need me.”
“Actually,” I stammer, “could you stay a little bit? I have something on my mind and you may be able to help.”
“Sure, spit it out and we’ll see where it goes.”
“Well… tell me about swinging and/or swapping amongst the group, and the reasons for it.” A silence hangs in the air as I wait for either to respond. This is the probably the last thing they expected.
“Let me put my doctor’s hat on and start with the standard motives,” Heidi starts. “People who engage in this lifestyle often fall into a few categories. The first is those looking for a little more intimacy in their relationship. I am not talking about sex, but the little things in the everyday life. For example, these couples innocently touch each other more frequently and have more public displays of affection. It is also common that this set communicates better as they do talk more openly and honestly about what they want in and out of bed.
“The next group wants to have a fantasy fulfilled. Some husbands get turned on by watching their wife having sex with another man or multiple men at the same time. The term for that is cuckold. And the opposite is true where the wife watches the husband, or cuckqueen. But most involve threesomes of two males on one female and vice versa.
“The last is probably the most common. These are people looking to add spice to their sex lives. They usually have been together for some time and want to try something new, exciting, and a little taboo. They may try it once and quit or continue to do so because they found something that works for them. Again, everyone has their own different reasons and not all are the same.”
“You know, that makes sense to me. What were your reasons, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I don’t mind.
