"You did it," Sonia yelled as I crossed the finish line.
I could barely talk as I looked at her. She held onto me as she led me over to a bench, where I promptly sat down to catch my breath.
"Congratulations," a man said as he placed a ribbon over my head.
"Well, you said you would run this time," Sonia smiled at me.
"Yes," I said waving at each of the ladies that crossed the line. "I did."
I did it. I ran for the cure. Last year I walked, and the year before that I didn't finish. This year I ran and finished.
"Thank you," a lady said from behind me. I turned to look at her. Quickly I stood up, and we embraced. There was a bond between survivors, an unsaid, unbreakable bond. "Never stop," she smiled at me.
"Never," I responded. The lady disappeared into the crowd. "Let's go," I said to Sonia who smiled and walked with me to her car.
It had been five years since the monster had invaded my body. I had fought it every day and finally after months of medication, visits and losing my hair as well as my husband. It took my breasts.
I made that decision by myself. My husband of twelve years left me the morning I came out of the bathroom with my hair in my hands. Frank was a good man at heart, but he had a weak stomach for the harsher things in life.
"Home sweet home," Sonia said as she pulled into my driveway. "Want help getting up the stairs?"
"No," I smiled.
Sonia was my sponsor. She volunteered to help those in need. After Frank left, the cancer center approached me with her number. She had been with me ever since, never letting me down or letting me give up.
"Some of the others are getting together tonight," Sonia said. Her bright red hair, blue eyes looked over at me.
I was going to say no. I always told Sonia no. My hair had finally grown back, and I felt strong again. But I still felt odd around strangers. "Don't say it," Sonia pleaded with me.
"Okay," I nodded. "One or two drinks, that's it."
"I will text you the details," Sonia smiled.
I turned around and walked inside. Frank and I were a great couple. Together we had bought this huge house. Now it was too big and too empty. The quiet inside was deafening at times. "Hi Thomas," I said as my large Malamute bounded towards me. "Good boy," I said as he circled me.
I wouldn't know what I would do without the giant fluffball. No matter how sick I got, those big eyes would look back at me as if to say, "You got this."
"Okay," I nodded with a smile. I opened the back door to the large pool and backyard. Thomas bolted outside. I watched as he ran circles in the grass, then around the pool. "Goofball," I said leaving the door open.
"What to wear?" I said looking in my closet. I had thrown most of my old clothes away as they didn't fit the new me.
I went from a curvy and chesty woman to my current state, had made me rethink my wardrobe. Either the clothes were too big, or they attempted to show cleavage that I no longer had. I settled on a pair of jeans and a dark gray shirt. Most of the clothes in my closer were jeans and dark colored shirts.
"I know," I said looking down at Thomas. "I look stupid. I should just cancel, right?"
Thomas looked back up at me with those eyes. "Go for it mom."
"You sure?" I asked as I looked back in the mirror. I picked up the gel inserts. They had been giving to me after the operation. Today was the first time I had considered wearing them. I felt a giant paw against my leg.
"Go on mom," those eyes said.
"Okay," I sighed as I inserted one, then the other. I looked into the mirror. The image was complete. To the untrained eye.It looked like I was normal as if she heard me contemplating calling her. Sonia sent her text. "No turning back now," I said looking down a Thomas. "No wild parties while I am gone."
"Don't count on it," the fluffball looked up at me.
********
"I am glad you made it," Sonia said as I sat down.
Looking around the table as I sat I recognized everyone from our meetings. It made me feel better that it wasn't a bunch of strangers.
The drinks and the conversations got better as the night progressed. "Jessie," one of the ladies said as she leaned over the table. "One of the hunks at the bar is checking you out," she smiled.
I turned around to look. "Don't look," all the women shrilled at once.
I quickly turned back. I had noticed the tall, blonde haired man staring over in our direction.
I couldn't remember the last time I had been with a man. Frank and I had busy lives, so sex and intimacy had taken a back burner. It had to be over six years.
That number shocked me. Had it really been that long?
"He's coming over," another lady said.
We sat in silence as the tall man made his way over to us. "I think you busted me," he said as he looked down at me.
"She sure did," Sonia chirped in.
"Names Andy, what's yours?" he said as he put out his hand.
"Jesse," one of the ladies said interrupting. "Have you got some friends?"
"Well, Jesse mind if we talk?" he said down to me. "And yes I did come with a few friends."
I smiled as he led me to the dance floor. Andy was a talker, which I didn't mind. I didn't feel like talking, and there wasn't much for me to say.
As well as a good talker, he was a much better dancer. Unlike Frank who would step on his own feet. I loved the feeling of a strong man pressing his body against mine. He had muscles that made me melt inside, he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close as we danced.
After a few dances and a few more drinks. The night led us to his truck out in the parking lot. "Am I going to fast?" Andy said as he pushed me against the side of his vehicle.
"Shut up," I replied as I kissed him.
He kissed me back as his hands squeezed my ass. He squeezed so hard and with such power that I thought he was going to lift me up off my feet. Then they circled to the front. I pressed my head against his chest as my hands found his belt. Then it hit me a bit too late.
"What the…." He said as he pressed his hands against my chest. The insert had popped out and was now floating somewhere down my shirt.
"I can explain," I said as I looked at him defeated and embarrassed. I told him everything, but as soon as I said the word cancer, I knew I had lost him. I knew that look. It was the same look Frank had that morning.
I pushed myself off of his truck. "Go," I said.
"I'm sorry," he said as he jumped into his truck.
The wheels span hard as he sped out of the parking lot. I looked back at the bar. "Fuck it," I said as I hopped into my car.
"Don't," I growled as I got into the house. Thomas sat back and tilted his head. "Never again," I shook my head as I pelted the gels across the room. Thomas looked back at them. "You can have them."
I grabbed my favorite ice cream from the freezer and plummeted into the couch. My phone rang by my side looking down at the screen. I hit the ignore. I sighed as I picked it back up. I sent a text back to Sonia letting her know that I was alright but didn't feel like talking.
"Can I come up," those eyes said as my fluffball sat patiently on the floor.
"Of course," I said making room for him.
He jumped up on to the couch and laid his big head on my lap. "I'm sorry, you didn't have a good night."
"Me too," I replied as I scratched his head.
*********
The doorbell rang loud as I ran down the stairs. Even before I opened the door, I knew who was behind it. I took a deep sigh and slowly opened it.
"What happened?" Sonia asked as she walked in.
"I am fine," I said as I walked into the kitchen. "It was my fault."
"What was?" Sonia asked.
I knew there was no point in arguing. If Sonia wanted information, I doubt anyone could stop her from getting it.
"Fine," I said as I began to tell her everything. She looked back at me without judgment.
"It's my fault," Sonia nodded. "I shouldn't have…"
"No," I shook my head. "I had a good time, up to that part anyway."
"Then fuck him!" Sonia shouted. "Not really, you know what I mean."
Thomas barked loudly from his bed in the corner. "Yeah, what she said!"
"You deserve a fresh start. Last night I saw someone that wasn't angry, or upset. I liked her," Sonia said.
I nodded. Last night was the first time in a while I felt like my old self. "I missed her too," I agreed.
"Then bring her back," Sonia said holding my hands. "She wants out, and if you can't do it then. Have Frank help; he said he would."
I nodded. Sonia was right. I needed a push.
"I am going out of town for a few weeks," Sonia said as she walked towards the door. "When I come back."
"I will be here," I smiled. Sonia looked back at me with those eyes. "I mean it."
I walked over to the table and picked up the phone. "Go ahead," the paw on my lap said as those steel blue eyes looked at me.
"Jesse," the voice said as it picked up.
"Shit," I said as I realized Frank's new wife had picked up his phone.
"Sorry Caroline," I said. "I was trying to reach Frank."
"Is everything okay?" Caroline asked.
I know it may sound strange, but Caroline and I had a good friendship. I would even consider her my best friend.
"Not really," I replied. The sound of her voice made something stir. She wasn't like Sonia who got things out of a person by constantly talking.
"Can you come over?"
"I am on my way," Caroline replied.
*******
"That bastard!" Caroline shouted. "Did you get the license plate?"
"No," I said as I wiped tears from my eyes.
"It's okay," Caroline said. "I have friends at the bar. I will.."
I laughed as I looked at her blonde hair go this way and that. I could imagine her small frame pushing and shoving that poor man. She would probably kick his ass if I let her.
She stopped talking as she saw me laughing. We both started laughing. "So, what do you want to do?"
"Well," I said looking down at Thomas who was lying down by my feet. "We were wondering if Frank would help with…" I began to say but couldn't get the words out.
"Of course, he would," Caroline said. "He would be glad to, after all," she said as she reached into her purse. "I got all of the cards," she said as she held up four credit cards.
"Let's go," Caroline said.
"Today?" I said surprised.
"Before you change your mind. If anything we can go and talk, see what the options are," Caroline shrugged. I had thought about it many times, even got to the door of the office and turned around. But this time I was determined.
"Okay, just to talk," I nodded.
The office wasn't too far away. The inside was pleasing to the eye, and the staff seemed friendly, they showed us to a room where the surgeon would talk to us. The room was large and open. Certificates and other documents hung on the wall.
"Hello," the doctor said as entered the room and sat down behind the desk. He looked very young, too young to be a surgeon.
"Hi," I said looking back at the door. "We were waiting for a…"
"It's me," the young man said. "I get that a lot," he said as smiled. "I assure you, I know what I am doing and how to do it."
"I was expecting, someone older," Caroline said looking up at all the papers.
"They are all mine," he nodded. "I was a fast learner, and I am not as young as I look."
Everything about him was pleasing. I nodded at Caroline. "Okay," he said putting his hands on the desk. "Who is getting the procedure?"
"Well," Caroline said. "I am happy with what I have," she said proudly. I smiled and snickered as she pushed her chest out. Her ample C cups jutted forward.
"And proud you should be," the doctor smiled. "That leaves us with you," he smiled in my direction.
I told him what I had planned and why. He listened intently as well as looking over the papers the hospital had given me. Finally, he looked up at me and reached for my hands. "You're in good hands," he said with a smile. Caroline hugged me. "What size were you looking to get?"
I showed him pictures of me before the operation. "I would like to be that size or slightly bigger. If possible."
He looked them over. "Well, you have lost a lot of weight," he said as he looked at me. "I can definitely give you these if that is your wish," he said pushing the pictures back. "Keep in mind. They will be much heavier with your current weight."
I looked back at the pictures. I remembered how heavy they were at the time. The constant back pains, the expensive bras. Then I remembered the looks.
Every woman knows the looks they get from men, no matter how big or small. With every movement any man near them will try to sneak a peek, hoping to catch a glimpse. From a slight peek as they bent over to pick something up, or if a man was looking down, a sneaky glance to see between the buttons of their shirt.