It has been 9 years since we last had contact and I am finally writing the letter. I have been throwing the idea in the air for a year now of whether or not to do so since our last conversation was awkward and unfinished. I have been wanting to explain to you why I did what I did and wanted to apologize for the hurt I caused you. I reread the letter one last time to make sure everything I want to say is said.

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Sir,

I know I left without warning and without explanation. It was so close to when I was going to be moving in with you and in a way I got scared. I got scared of the commitment and such a young age. I got scared at the thought of giving myself to you fully, even though that is all I ever wanted and needed. I was afraid of who I was, and had yet to understand what my role in life meant. I was only 17. I did not know that my actions at that moment would affect my life in such a big way.

Over the years you found your way back into my head and now you are all I think about. At first it was very little, then after a while it became everyday, every night, all the time. You are in my dreams as well. I think about the day I met you, when I looked up from the bench I was sitting at to see you standing in front of me. Every time I go to that place, I look at the bench and smile and wonder. All the plans we had, you even moved into a bigger place so we could "play" without theinterruptions of neighbors. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would not have ran away. Would I still be in this lifestyle, or would I have eventually grown sick of it and left. probably not.

I remember when we would take Phantom for a walk down the trails and even sometimes down by the water. You would watch your pets play and run around. We would cuddle up on the sand and you would take control of me so deeply and passionately. You were always worried about me.

If it was cold outside you would make me wear a hat and gloves to stay warm even though I didn't want to. I had never known anyone like you. Yes you were strict and demanding, but I loved every minute of it. I just wish I would have realized this then. I ran away from my destiny, I ran away from who I am and who I was suppose to be. I did not realize that until later, until it was to late! I go over in my head what I should have done andsome days wishI could go back in time and change the past, but whats done is done. Some things happen for a reason.

I am married now, with a little boy. I married into the "nilla" life. I am happy, but will never fully be who I am suppose to be. It is hard to explain. I love my life, but there is always going to be something missing. That emptiness that no one and nothing can fill. All I have is my thoughts and memories and so far they are holding me up pretty well. I found a wonderful site called Lush and became a member. They help me through the tough times, when I don't think I can hold on. They give me a chance to share my experiences and my problems and guide me along the way. They never criticize me for who I was and who I am now, they are as close as I can get to the real thing. I have made a few friends here, and can relate to them.

All that being said, I just wanted to apologize after all these years. I never wanted to hurt you, and I never wanted things to end the way they did. I do not expect a response back from you, but at least now I have the knowing that I finally did it. I finally sent you this letter after all this time. It my mind everything is ok now.

Best Wishes,

Little one

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Now I wait.....

** A follow up will come shortly, I hope you enjoyed the first part. Please let me know what you think, but don't be mean about it.