“For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.”

–Carl Sagan

Dim, gray light shines through the window. The sky is ashen, with pregnant, swollen clouds. There's a slight chill in the air.

It’s going to rain any moment. Spring is definitely here.

I grab my sweater from the chair next to mine and drape it across my shoulders, wrapping my hands around the large mug of steaming Cafe Vienna I have in front of me on my desk. I blow on the hot liquid softly and take a cautious sip, letting the rich, heady sweetness linger on my tongue.

I need to write today, but my thoughts keep traveling elsewhere.

Sighing, I open up a new tab on my computer, giving in to the impulse to stray from my work. I open up my Facebook page and begin to scroll through my news feed.

My best friend Simone has written a post that makes me halt.

“If you love hard,” it reads in big letters, “you should stay single.”

Hmm, I think to myself.

To say that I love hard is the understatement of the year.

I’ll tell you a little about myself.

My name is Tammy Stone. I’m 32 years old, and I earn a living ghostwriting romance novels. For some reason, I’m really good at what I do.

Maybe it's because love was all I ever wanted in life.

My parents divorced when I was six years old. I never saw my father again after that, and my mother never remarried. When I was a teenager, my mom developed Parkinson’s disease; and somehow, over the years of my adulthood, I just remained with her in order to take care of her. So I lived a pretty sheltered life, at least up until the point she passed away.

But I always craved to find the ultimate love relationship. And for some reason, I could never find it. But I fell in love, deeply, and way too often, and way too easily. And I’m the type of person who loves with everything in her, every fiber and cell of my being, with my heart and body and soul.

And there’s another thing. It’s something I feel reluctant and embarrassed to talk about. But I suppose I should be completely honest. At sixteen years old, I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, and major depressive disorder. I’ve always been prone to being melancholy, and because of my disorder, I’ve always felt different from other people, and somewhat disconnected.

I decide to instant message Simone.

“So,” I write. “You think people who love hard should stay single?”

“Yes, definitely,” she responds in less than a minute. “You're a prime candidate for this, Tammy. You need to learn to do YOU. Stay true to YOU.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I write back. “Maybe it’s time I give up on this love B.S. I mean, it hasn't worked out for me my whole life.”

“Hey,” Simone texts me. “There’s an event coming up in the pagan society. They’re having a Beltane festival up at the river next weekend. You should come with us. Mac and I will be there, along with some pagan friends of mine. It could be the fresh start of your life as an independent woman who doesn't need a relationship to be happy. And spring is all about change and renewal, you know.”

“Beltane?” I ask.

“You know, the pagan spring festival of rebirth and renewal and fertility? C'mon, Tam. I know you've heard me talk about it a lot.”

Simone happens to be a pagan, and she worships a vast pantheon of gods and goddesses. Me, I’m still unsure as to my own spirituality and exactly what I believe in. I’ve been searching all my life for answers, but nothing has ever really stuck.

“Okay,” I write back. “I’ll go.” Why not? I think. It’s not like I have anything better to do. And besides, I think Simone is right. I’m going to become a new person. For the first time in my life, I’m going to stop searching and hoping for love. I’m a strong and independent woman, and I don't need a relationship to be happy.

I can have a new, satisfying adventure all on my own.

*

“Just be prepared,” Simone tells me as she's leading me to the campsite. We pass by lines of parked cars.

“Prepared for what?” I ask.

We walk into a small clearing. A woman with long, braided hair is seated upon a large rock, talking animatedly to a man who stands beside her.

And the woman just happens to be topless, while the man is stark naked.

Simone says flatly, a mischievous grin on her face, “That.”

I had somehow forgotten that Beltane is the pagan spring holiday for fertility and welcoming in summer. It also involves matchmaking and marriages. And a lot of people like to go nude for the celebration.

We walk past the two people in conversation. They halt briefly and bid us a warm, “Hello!” Simone and I greet them back; I try to keep eye contact with the pair and don't look down.

“Um,” I say to Simone as we continue on our journey, our back-packs hoisted on our shoulders. “Is it required that I get naked?”

“No,” she laughs. “Nobody has to walk around without clothes if they don’t want to. Nudity is not a requirement to celebrate the festivities.”

“Whew!” I breathe in relief.

I happen to be really self-conscious about my body. I'm overweight, definitely what you would call plump. I've been working on it for a long time, but I haven't made much progress.

It’s still daylight. Beltane is a fire festival, and bonfires will be lit when darkness comes. But people are celebrating, drinking Beltane punch, dancing around May poles, and having a wonderful time.

We finally arrive at our spot in the campsite. Simone's husband Mac is there, along with a small handful of their pagan friends. They all smile warmly at me.

Mac approaches me and puts his arms around me.

"It's good to see you again, Tammy. I'm so glad Simone managed to convince you to come."

*

Even though I’ve always craved love and to meet that special someone, and I enjoy being around my friends, I still deeply value my solitude and alone time.

Maybe it’s because I've always felt so different from other people.

But I know I have to get away, just for a while.

“I'd like to see the river,” I say to Simone.

“Okay,” she says. “I’ll go with you.”

"No, it's alright," I offer. "I'd like to be alone for a while. Just point me in the right direction and I'll be on my way for a bit."

I'm following the path Simone has verbally laid out for me, breathing in the fresh air and feeling good about being in my own company for a while.

Flowers are in bloom. The earth under my feet smells lush and sweet and fecund.

After some moments, I find the river, and my breath catches in my throat. The spot is magical and enchanting, the water clear and breathtaking.

Some nude swimmers are partaking of the refreshing-looking water. I decide to walk a bit further and find a secluded spot.

I've always been drawn to water. Simone actually believes I’m a water nymph, as far as my true soul goes.

Finding myself alone, I'm unable to resist the urge to try out those clear, inviting depths. Stripping to my bikini top and cut-off shorts, I let myself descend into the water inch by delicious inch.

I'm swimming in utter bliss and contentment. A strange peace and sense of tranquility overcome me as I perform slow strokes. I say strange because peace of mind is somewhat elusive to me most of the time. The water is cool and perfect.

Suddenly I detect a slight movement out of the corner of my eye. Whirling around, I see a man in the water seemingly just a few feet away from me.

My first impulse is to scream, but I manage to hold myself in check.

I can't stop looking at the man. I soon realize that he happens to be the most beautiful man I've ever seen. He's extremely tall, a bit lanky but with a pleasing hint of muscle definition. His beard and dark, ear-length, curly hair glisten with wetness in the sunlight.

I can't explain why, but I feel immediately and intensely drawn to this man.

I'm painfully shy, but I hear myself speak slowly, a slight tremor in my voice.

"H-hi," I say to him.

He turns to look at me. It's like he's noticed me for the first time.

"Oh, hello. I didn't know someone else was swimming besides myself. How do you do?"

I find myself amused by his archaic choice of words.

"I'm good, thanks for asking. Um, my name is Tammy. Tammy Stone. It's nice to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine. I'm Joshua. Joshua Jacobson."

I try to focus on my swim strokes, but it feels like all I want to do is talk to Joshua.

After a few moments, I find myself giving in to my impulses.

"So, Joshua. Are you here to celebrate the festivities?" I ask.

He turns towards me. His smoky eyes seem to search my face for something. He looks me up and down, but very slowly.

"No, I'm not part of the celebration. I just enjoy swimming. You're beautiful, you know."

I'm taken off guard for some moments. I don't know how to handle his compliment. I've never felt beautiful. I've always felt fat and plain-looking.

He must be just saying that, I think to myself.

But I remain polite. I'm an extremely passive person.

"I appreciate your compliment, but you can't mean that. I'm way too heavy, and I've always been rather plain."

Joshua looks at me as if I’m crazy.

“Are you serious? You’re absolutely breathtaking. And your body… I love your luscious curves. So very sexy.”

I’m embarrassed by his further compliments. I can’t believe this man is serious. He’s so agonizingly beautiful, it’s almost painful to look at him.

How could he find someone like me appealing? Impossible, I think to myself.

I decide not to say anything. I just keep swimming.

“So,” Joshua says. “Why are you here?”

“Um, for the Beltane festival. My friend Simone is a pagan. She invited me to come.”

“Pagan? Beltane?”

“Um, a pagan is someone who worships many of the older gods and goddesses. And Beltane, well, it’s a pagan spring festival that celebrates fertility and the coming of summer.”

“Oh, I see. And you’re not a pagan?”

“I’m not sure.” I laugh at my own indecisiveness. “I’m actually not sure what I believe in, to tell you the truth. I’ve been searching for answers all my life, but nothing has ever seemed to fit perfectly.”

I have to stop myself. I've just met this man and I'm already telling him my life story. But there's something about him that seems to invite openness and honesty.

“Hmm. I see. Well, Miss Tammy, something tells me you’ll be finding your answers soon enough.”

Why does he say that? I think to myself.

I choose to remain silent. I decide that I better try to distance myself from this man.

I begin to swim away slowly. But all of a sudden, something makes me lose my footing. In a terrifying flash, I slip and sink under the water.

Within seconds, I feel a pair of strong arms lift me from the depths.

"Are you alright?" Joshua says on a shaky breath, his eyes filled with genuine concern and piercing into mine. His arms are gentle yet firm at my shoulders. I suddenly feel so small and protected, and the feeling is utterly delicious.

I feel giddy and exhilarated being so close to him.

"Where is your boyfriend or husband?" Joshua asks. He doesn't take his hands from my shoulders. I find I don't want him to.

"Oh, I'm single," I say shakily myself, trying to catch my breath. "I don't have anyone. I'm actually supposed to be celebrating my new state of giving up on love. I haven't been lucky in that department, and I've decided to stop searching for it."

Joshua's brows knit together in concern. "We're small fish alone in a huge river. Life is hard, Tammy, to go it alone. You should never give up on love."

His beautiful face makes me ache inside. “You know, I’ve always felt alone all my life," I tell him. "My dad left when I was young, and my mom was so sick… I was diagnosed with depression during my teens. And I guess I always figured, because of that and the fact I wasn’t perfectly thin, that I didn’t deserve love.”

What in God’s name is the matter with me? Why do I feel like it’s okay to tell this man everything?

But somehow, that’s exactly how I feel. I feel like Joshua will make everything alright.

His hand comes up to rest against my cheek. He touches his thumb to my lips in a gentle, feather-light caress.

“We all deserve love, Tammy. And you… I can tell you’ve been hurt, and deeply. You of all people deserve love, and to be loved.”

To my disbelief, a tear slides from my eye. Joshua catches it with his thumb and wipes it softly away.

“I want to show you what love can be like, Tammy. Will you let me?”

“Yes, Joshua,” I whisper.

I can’t deny any longer to myself how badly I want this man. I know it’s crazy, what’s happening between us, but I don’t care.

I realize that I’m going to let a strange man I’ve only known for a few moments seduce me in a river where anyone could come upon us. Simone could come looking for me any minute.

But I’m blissfully happy about the decision I've made. It's like I'm being swept up in some dream world, and I don't want to go back to reality.

Joshua leans in to kiss me. I close my eyes, allowing myself to be transported by the sensations he’s causing within me. It’s been so long since I’ve been with anyone, I feel like a virgin again.

He puts his hands gently on the sides of my face, and his lips lightly brush against my own. Suddenly I feel his tongue swiping softly against my lips, but it’s like he wants to go slowly and savor me as if I am some precious, delectable dish. His tongue tracing my lips causes a feeling that shoots straight through to my inner core. My body feels electrified.

“It’s so hard to go slowly with you,” Joshua says against my lips. “I want to ravage you, Tammy. But I want to savor you, taste you. Enjoy you. It’s been so long for me.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and breathe sensuously against his lips, “I’m yours, Joshua. I want you with everything in me.”

He sighs into my open mouth and braces his hands at my back. He then unties the straps of my bikini ever so slowly, pulling them down in an agonizingly slow fashion. My tits ache to be bared to him.

Finally he reveals my breasts. The cool air hits my fevered skin; my nipples are hard and swollen. He bends his head and takes one of my nipples into his mouth. I moan softly and entwine my hands in his hair, pulling him closer.

His hands skim my body, landing on my ass. He uses his hands to press me closer against him. I can feel how hard he is.

“God, I want to be inside you,” he breathes huskily.

"Please, Joshua," I hear myself whisper. "I need you now."

He pulls down my shorts ever so slowly, then my bikini bottoms. Sliding a finger inside me, I feel suddenly ravenous for his cock.

And in one mad thrust, he impales me upon him.

I can’t help but move upon him. His hard length feels so good within my constricting tightness.

“That’s it, baby,” he moans. “Ride my cock.”

I’ve never known such an erotic moment in my life. The water splashes against us as we fuck, my body rising and falling upon his. I feel like that hole that has always been in my soul is being filled as Joshua uses my hips as leverage, ramming high and hard into my pussy over and over again.

“I love you,” Joshua calls as I cum violently on his dick. It feels like a billion fireworks have been set off in my body and soul. I feel a golden sense of light everywhere in my body, my toes, my fingertips, my womb.

Within seconds, Joshua cries out my name, and I can feel his hot sperm pumping into my violently spasming, clenching cunt. He laces his fingers through mine, safely bringing me back down to earth.

*

I make my way back to the campsite. Night has fallen, and bonfires are going off all around me. Moonlight shines along the worn pathway. I can hear the sounds of laughter and people singing, welcoming in the summer season.

I’m so excited to get Simone alone. I can’t wait to tell her what happened.

That I've found someone.

That I’m helplessly in love.

That I don't feel so alone anymore.

Simone can read it on my face. “You look like you just got laid, Tammy. What happened? I’ve never seen you look so happy in my life.”

“I met someone. At the river,” I respond breathlessly.

“Who is he?”

“His name is Joshua. Joshua Jacobson.”

Simone’s face falters. “Joshua Jacobson?” she repeats.

“Yes. Do you know him?”

“Yes. Well, no. I never met him. But… Tammy. Joshua Jacobson is dead.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“He died in the river two years ago. It was in all the papers. Suicide by drowning. He had been going through a divorce.”

I can’t believe my ears. I feel a hot tear slide down my cheek.

As I stare into the crackling bonfire, successfully drowning out the concerned voices of those around me, I realize Joshua Jacobson is in fact gone. I can feel it.

He wasn't real.

And he'll never be mine.

But he showed me what love was, and to never give up on the hope of finding it.

Life is hard to go it alone. We all need love in this life, to know that we are not isolated in the vast cosmos. And there's nothing wrong with feeling this way.

And for that, I will be eternally grateful to him.

I don't know much, but this I know.