Here I am, a forty-year-old woman, having dinner with a man. A man I intend to seduce. Well, at least I intend to let him seduce me, whichever. It’s been a year since Aaron, my son, forced me to leave my verbally abusive husband Alexander, divorce him, and move to Berkeley, where Aaron’s a junior at UCB. It's been a strange journey, and I’m finally ready to live again. Brian and I have known each other for years, though mostly by phone. He’s been my agent, I suppose. Getting me in contact with people that need my expertise in computer security. Aaron forced me to get out and meet the people I was working for and with.
The first person I met was Brian after I moved; our conversations had been on the phone before. I couldn’t have made much of an impression at first; Alex had me so beat down. My trembling and hesitant speech was embarrassing. I knew I was good at my work, but I was unsure about everything else because of Alex’s verbal abuse. He called me prim and proper and said I was terrible at sex. Nothing I did was good enough.
Brian and I met at Temple Coffee for our first meeting, and I could feel my hands trembling as we shook hands. I think he could tell because he started holding my hands in his when we sat down. Aaron had made the call to him and set up the meeting, and he may have let him know about me. While we talked, I gradually relaxed as Brian talked about how impressed he had been with how I’d solved the security problems I’d worked on. He encouraged me to do some of my work on site. His compliments were raising my confidence.
Over the next few weeks, I had a couple of tricky problems, and I agreed to do part of it on site. The next time he called, he asked to meet at a café he knew, and I hesitantly agreed. This time he talked about how impressed the companies I had helped were and the compliments he’d gotten.
I started thinking maybe Aaron was right—Alexander had been the problem, not me. As my confidence grew, I responded better to Brian, and I started noticing him as a man. I could see the flirtation and hear innuendos.
Okay, maybe I wasn’t as unattractive as Alexander had implied. Maybe I could have a life without depending on him. I started a mantra: ‘Aaron is right. Aaron is right.’ When I could flirt back, I thought I could see Brian might, just might be interested. I took a huge leap of faith and invited him to go out for dinner on Friday. When he agreed quickly, I decided to try, at least. I wanted sex. Sex with Alexander had been wonderful at first, but not since the abuse started. I hadn’t enjoyed it for years.
I gritted my teeth and asked if Aaron could stay away Friday night and Saturday. He just looked at me and grinned, "Okay, then. Uh, how late Saturday? Or shall I call and check?”
I looked away and said, "Um, I might not end up needing anything … but in case, yes, call. Or I could just leave a sock on the front doorknob?” I looked and then laughed. College dorm humor. When it was getting close to the time to meet Brian, I was terrified. It’d been a long time since I’d met a man with the hope of good sex.
I spent a lot of time getting ready, shaving my legs and my pits, and I contemplated doing my hoo-ha. I bought new panties and a bra, just in case.
I hope this goes well. Am I misreading, Brian? I hope this ends with us in bed together. Don't tremble. Should I get sick or have the flu if he’s not interested?
I got in the car, and I drove to Torantia’s. Now, if Brian is actually there. I parked, went in, and asked about my reservation. Brian wasn’t there yet, so I went to our table and ordered a glass of Merlot.
Relax, Cheryl; he’s going to come. He’s not mean; he won’t stand me up. We’ll have a nice dinner, at least.
Then I saw him being led to our booth. I got up to greet him with a hug and kiss. I was hoping it might entice him to do, well, something.
We made some small talk, waiting for his wine to show. I was at a loss on how to make my intention clear, without making it too clear. He reached across the table and held my hands for a minute with a smile while caressing them.
Brian started by asking, “Have you eaten here before? I haven’t.” He opened his menu, looking at it. My terror was slowly dissipating until it became only abject fear. Exaggeration, actually. I ended up a little nervous. I knew him, I liked him, and I thought he liked me. I offered a few suggestions from the menu to make it clear he didn’t need to order from the cheap options.
This was a lot more expensive than I was used to. I guess the fanciest since Alexander was courting me. Well, lots of things were going to be changing; at least I was hoping they were.
I forced myself to hold Brian’s hand as we looked over the menu. Flirting, I didn’t have a clue how to start, much less close the deal. Hell, relax; if I can’t, maybe I can learn a bit.
As I relaxed, I felt the conversation flow. I started asking Brian about his business. This was the first time I'd talked to Brian about anything that wasn’t about what he wanted me to do for his clients. Security was not really what he did. He was a general systems consultant and seemed to be asked about security problems a lot, which he sent to me. I realized it was important that I impress his clients. I was just now realizing how important it was to his business.
I started asking him if I was helping him, letting my insecurities show. Aaron would tell me it was not a good look, so I tried to stop.
Brian finally took my hands and looked at me, saying, “Cheryl, relax. We’re friends; we may be destined to be more than friends. I want to be more than friends.” He turned my hands palms up and placed a soft kiss on them. Then he asked, “Would you like that? I’d love to see you blossom even more. I’ve seen you change since you moved to Berkeley, and I like the change.”
What a change from Alexander!
“Yes, well, I think it has a lot to do with leaving some people behind. My ex, um, wasn’t a confidence builder. It’s taking time to rebuild myself,” I explained. “Um, it’s been a long time since I’ve had someone I could call a friend, much less than more of a friend.”
Hmm, I wonder if he caught that reference to more than a friend. Trying to get a man's attention is hard. I’ve never been able to do that. And after Alexander, it’s worse. Hell, I just need to relax. If it happens, it happens.
We ordered lunch and sat talking. Talking with Brian was so relaxing, I could just enjoy myself. That was when Brian started holding my hand, tracing figures in the palm. That was something I’d thought about doing to Brian.
“Changing the subject, Brian. You said something about being more than friends; yes, I’d like that. What did you mean, though?” I said, looking at him.
“Oh, more than friends? Um, well …” His voice trailed off.
This is my chance. Can I do it? Tell him what I mean.
“To me, more than friends, it means that you can invite me over to your house, or I can invite you to my place. Um, Aaron is going to be gone for a few days, so we could be alone.” I said. “Is that what you mean?”
I sat there, waiting to see if I’d blown my chance. I could see Brian flush, but he answered me, “That sounds like what I meant, so in those memorable words... Your place or mine?”
I laughed and said, “My place since I went to the trouble of getting rid of Aaron till Saturday night. He’ll stay away longer if we need him to.” I could feel my face blush as I laughed. “He’ll call before he comes home.”