It was a uni kid’s life, getting fucked up at three o’clock in the afternoon on the roof of the girl she liked. Melanie had led Raven up there when she got there, barely done complaining about the stairs before she was pushed up the ladder next to the bed that led to a balcony that looked exactly like to exactly what you’d expect from a Mediterranean fantasy. The roof was sloped and when she saw two hot girls laying out in shorts and nothing else across the street so they could tan she climbed onto the roof as well. Melanie had gone back to the kitchen to get the beer and when she came up to see her she laughed but also climbed up. 

Melanie was every fantasy Raven had never had when she was questioning her sexuality. She was wearing basketball shorts and a tank top with big arm holes and no bra, white enough that you could just make out the colour of her areolas. The only thing that was missing for her to look like a frat boy was a backwards baseball cap over her buzz-cut. Raven still thought she was beautiful, though, never having been too dependent on either men or women looking the way the world wanted them to look like. Right now her eyes were red-rimmed and slightly swollen, although she’d washed the tear tracks off her cheeks. Raven did her the favour of pretending not to notice although she didn’t know whether she was there to notice or not. But truth be told she didn’t want to be here for the emotional fall out of Melanie’s relationship. She’d relegated her position to rebound fuck and that was really the only thing she felt competent enough to deal with. 

Raven had wanted Ivone to fuck off for ages now, too much competition. Not because Ivone was a higher league than her or anything, but rather because she was the same if not a little bit extra. Raven had long hair with champagne blonde hair that had been blatantly bleached to look like Khaleesi although she usually pulled it back from her face, where she wore just enough her make-up to make her eyes big and her lips bold. Ivone had had an edgy hair cut that practically screamed of an alternative lesbian announcing to the world that men were a thing of her distant past (although they weren’t actually) and she let it hang in her face where she wore just as little make-up as Raven but with neon colours. Technically, they looked very different, but when Melanie had introduced Raven to Ivone they looked in each other eyes after trading cheek kisses and saw the exact same thing; they were both exactly Melanie’s type. 

Where Ivone was exactly the kind of girl you’d expect by looking at her, a bit over dramatic and a lot jealous for someone who’d insisted for an open relationship, full of sweet words said with a sickly-sugar tone that told you what she was really thinking, Raven wasn’t. She didn’t like drama, didn’t thrive in it, so she’d taken a step back. Ivone hadn’t liked Raven, and Raven had made sure not to give her a fair reason to hate her. In all honesty, Raven had even been a bit attracted to Ivone. However she was too young and while Melanie might like girls that were high maintenance, she didn’t, and she had the feeling that the reason Ivone didn’t like Raven wasn’t solely because she was into Melanie and not willing to hide it, but rather because she was into Melanie and not her. 

There was also the other side of it, that however self-involved Raven might have thought Ivone was, she had been willing to offer Melanie an emotional relationship. Something Raven wasn’t willing to give to Melanie since she knew come June she’d be gone, and anyways, Raven was too good at ruining things to be willing to put herself out there. She’d thought Melanie was hot, and that was it, and if Ivone hadn’t gotten so possessive Raven probably wouldn’t have cared enough to put in more than an hour’s worth of her effort. At any rate, it didn’t matter what Ivone’s intentions with Melanie were since she was clearly gone. Raven had a pretty good idea her interest in Melanie had been reciprocated, but this was the first time in six weeks Melanie had so much as texted her - obviously not allowed to until now - and even if she had hung out with her before, Raven knew that it’d been against the rules to bring girls back home. That had been her first sign that Ivone was gone. 

“You got a tattoo,” Raven said when Melanie handed her a beer. It was shitty beer and she was reminded for not the first time that Melanie was a uni girl playing house in an adult world that she clearly hadn’t learned the rules for. 

“You mention that and not the hair?” Melanie asked with a laugh, raising her eyebrows at her a bit judgmentally as if she thought Raven had missed six inches of her hair being cut off. 

“I actually like the tattoo.” 

Melanie pushed her playfully, but she was still smiling to show she wasn’t offended. “Bitch.” She cracked open her beer and took a drink before holding her arm to look at. 

“Looks fresh,” Raven said. It had to be either way, since it hadn’t been there six weeks ago. 

Melanie nodded. “Ivone did it last week.” 

“It’s nice.” 

“You think it’s stupid.” 

Incredibly stupid. “But also nice.” 

“I wanted a souvenir.” 

“Now that’s stupid.” 

Melanie shrugged but didn’t deny it. They sat together on the roof drinking the beer and not talking about anything serious. She didn’t even mention Ivone again although Raven knew that the only reason she was there was because something had happened between the two of them. Probably Melanie was smart enough to know that Raven wasn’t the one to cry to about Ivone anyways. Instead, they talked about how Melanie was doing in her uni classes although Raven knew Spanish professors tended to just pass foreign students regardless of how little work they did and Melanie asked her about work.

“You been on any dates then?” Melanie asked as they reached the bottom of their beer cans. 

Raven hesitated and finally nodded. She took out her phone and pulled up a picture of Evie, a petite dark-haired girl she’d gone out with to get Melanie out of her mind. It hadn’t really worked because it hadn’t really lasted long enough even though she liked Evie. That was probably good, though. If she’d liked Evie after ten minutes of talking to her then there’d been the chance for Raven to really get hurt when she inevitably ruined things, liked she had all her past relationships. Evie was in university too, although one that was farther out than Melanie’s. Maybe that was the problem. Uni girls. It was hard living a uni life as a dropout. But girls her age generally weren’t as interested in wasting time with games. She generally wasn’t either, she lived a completely adult life, except in this sense. 

“She’s hot. You still going out with her?” 

“We went on two dates, that’s all.” 

“Did you two…?” 

“No. Wanted to, but didn’t.” 

“You’re not good at closing,” Melanie said plainly. 

Raven’s mouth twisted and she didn’t say anything because she didn’t know how Melanie meant it. Melanie had seen her flirting with other girls, getting generally good signs that ultimately amounted to nothing, but she wasn’t entirely sure that Melanie wasn’t referring to herself. For all the interest she had shown, not willing to hide it, she’d never even tried to so much as kiss Melanie. It’s not that Raven couldn’t or even didn’t initiate, she just wasn’t very into rejection, and tried to head it off by not putting herself out there. She knew it was a flaw, but she figured she did alright despite it. 

“I liked her,” Raven said finally, referring to Evie. “If I’d known I wouldn’t see her again then I would have.” 

“I wasn’t talking about her.” 

“Don’t know what you’re referring to, in that case,” Raven said, looking at Melanie.

Melanie looked away then, toward the other girls on the roof. They were still tanning and they were playing music, not too loudly, but loudly enough that they could hear the melody from where they were at. After a few seconds, Melanie climbed down from the roof and held a hand out for Raven. “You want to smoke a bowl?” Melanie asked her. 

Although she didn’t actually, enjoying the sun too much to actually want to go back down into Melanie’s too small apartment, Raven took her hand and climbed back in. As Raven glanced toward the bed with the rumpled sheets, it occurred to her that Ivone had been sleeping in that bed too. It’s not that she hadn’t known that theoretically, but she had always considered the flat more Melanie’s than Ivone’s. Melanie was getting the money from her parents, sure, but she was still the only one that had actually paid for it. 

Melanie turned on an episode of Friends on Netflix and packed a bowl. She had a small cot instead of a couch, but it was big enough for the both of them to sit on as they passed the pipe back and forth. There wasn’t much conversation in between them in the time it took them to finish one episode. “You want to listen to music instead?” Raven asked, high enough to not question herself too much. It was bold for her, anyways, since there weren’t many moves she considered sexy when there was the potential for Phoebe to start singing Smelly Cat. 

For a few seconds, Melanie didn’t say anything, but then she stood up and went to the computer. Turning off Netflix, she put on R&B music and lowered the volume so that it just lightly filtered through the flat. “So why did you invite me over, anyways?” Raven asked Melanie as she returned to the cot. 

“Didn’t want to be alone, and you’re people,” Melanie said evasively. 

“And that’s the only reason?” 

“I’m not sure.” There was a look on sincerity on Melanie’s face, clearly conveying that while there were different ways to interpret her inviting Raven into her house and proceeding to both drink and get high enough to loosen their inhibitions but not so much as to red light any potential for sex, she hadn’t really been thinking that far ahead. She had been thinking about it on the roof, her eyes lingering on the print of Raven’s lipstick on the can and making a comment about how she hated wearing make-up but really appreciated it on other women. And she was thinking about it now, her eyes suddenly a bit more intense. They reminded her of the second night she saw her, when they were standing in the doorway of the bar waiting for Ivone to leave the bathroom. It’d been raining so they’d stood close together in the narrow doorway. Close enough to know that they wanted to be even closer.

“Let me know when you’ve figured it out,” Raven said after a few seconds, when Melanie didn’t say anything else. Anything helpful. 

Melanie groaned, a half exasperated, half amused sound. “You’re so bad at closing.” Then without any more preamble, she kissed Raven. 

Raven felt a sound of surprise rumble in the throat before she totally realised that her and Melanie were kissing. The kiss wasn’t chaste, even before Raven got over the shock enough to start kissing back, mouths open and tongues touching immediately, not wasting any time since it’d taken them months to get this far in the first place. She felt a bit tense, strung up like a Christmas tree and jittery but not in a good way. Then Melanie made a soft noise, sighing straight into her mouth when Raven gripped her waist to pull her closer, and something in Raven’s spine loosened. There was a bitter feeling to knowing she was really just a rebound since she actually liked Melanie, there was no way around that, but she knew Melanie liked her back even if that left a slightly bitter taste in her mouth too. Even if it had never gotten here in the real world, she knew she’d been right here in at least one of Melanie’s fantasies, just like Melanie had been in hers. Knowing Melanie liked her, even if it paled in comparison to what she felt Ivone made this a little bit easier. And a little bit worse, but that was easy enough to ignore.

Easy enough that she started pushing her back, instead of continuing to pull her closer, until Melanie was laying flat on her back on the cot and Raven started kissing her neck. Melanie fisted a hand in her hair, hard enough to hurt, which Raven couldn’t help but find annoying. She pulled back up a bit but didn’t see any expression in Melanie’s face that told her to stop. “You want this?” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Melanie said, but leaned up to kiss her. 

Raven kissed her back but pushed her back down a second later. “Then let go.” 

Melanie hesitated, but let go, and there was a guarded look in her eyes now. “I don’t like you like you like me,” she said after a few seconds. 

It felt like a slap, but it didn’t hurt because Melanie was wrong. “I don’t like you like you think I do.” 

Melanie went on like she hadn’t spoken. “So I don’t want you to make this into something it’s not.” 

Raven couldn’t help but wonder who she was actually to, her or herself, but decided to answer in case it was the former. “Who here let a seventeen-year-old Brazilian girl move into her house after fucking her once or twice because she was convinced she was in love with her even though she was never going to stay with you?” Raven asked, and she knew it was cruel, but Melanie wasn’t being fair. Even if Raven had no intention of making this into something it wasn’t, even if she only liked Melanie enough to be there in that moment, but not much more, Melanie clearly thought she did. These things always seemed more monumental to twenty-year-olds but Raven was old enough to know better. She was here because she’d put effort into getting them here, not because she wanted to stick around in the ruins of Melanie’s relationship. 

Melanie slapped her, angry, but kissed her again in the next second. She rolled them over and pinned Raven against the cot as if worried she would try to get away. Raven wasn’t trying to get away, not sure why she didn’t even consider it, since her cheek stung from the slap. When Melanie pulled away next she took off her tank top in one swift moment and maybe that was why. Like a teenage boy, Raven had never been good at passing up a sure thing. “Ivone loves me too,” Melanie said, her voice full of animosity but her eyes made Raven feel like her skin was burning up. 

“Good for her,” Raven replied, leaning up and sucking one of her nipples into her mouth. Melanie moaned again and it sounded reluctant. She was pulling Raven’s hair too hard again and she hissed, scraping her teeth hard against one of the breasts. “But she hates me, doesn’t she? You invited me because you know she’d hate you fucking me more than some random girl she doesn’t know, right?” 

Melanie didn’t answer, grabbing the hem of Raven’s blouse, pulling it up, but she didn’t need to. She reached back to unhook her own bra, tossing it aside and Melanie pushed her back again. Apparently intent on wasting no more time, she unbuttoned her jeans, pulling them off along with her thong, forced to stop to unzip her boots so she could get it all the way off. “That’s not why I called you,” Melanie finally said, quietly, her eyes shamelessly roving over Raven’s body. “It’s just a bonus.” 

“Then why?” Raven asked, pitching her voice slightly lower. She loved compliments, although she doubted she was going to get one, the way Melanie was acting. 

Again, it didn’t seem like Melanie was going to answer her, but then she scratched down Raven’s chest, from her collarbone, in between her cleavage and down her navel to the landing strip on her pelvis. “Because of this. If you got your tits done you could be a pornstar, one of those highly paid ones,” Melanie said. Raven wasn’t sure she was being complimented or not and it probably showed on her face because Melanie laughed, a bit mean, but leaned down to kiss her again. 

Melanie kissed down her chest, pausing to play with one nipple while her hand fondled her other breast even if she thought they were apparently small, even though they were at least two sizes bigger than Melanie’s. Then again, Melanie didn’t present her as femme so she didn’t really need big tits. She kept switching from soft touches and playful sucks, to hard scratches and cruel bites, as if touching Raven like she wasn’t trying to hurt her would automatically make this mean something. A part of her wanted to tell Melanie she got the point, because she’d never been into pain play and she wasn’t into it now, but she didn’t. Instead, she spread her legs when Melanie got close enough and hoped she wasn’t planning on using the same treatment on her cunt. 

Thankfully, she wasn’t. She nipped sharply at the soft skin of her inner thighs, but the first sweep of her tongue over her lips was soft and she kept it like that even as her tongue started delving deeper into her as she started getting into it. Raven moaned and looked down at Melanie even though her eyes were shut only because she’d been waiting to see Melanie’s face in between her legs for months now. She scraped her nails hard over Melanie’s scalp and she hypocritically made a noise of complaint in the back of her throat. But she also didn’t stop eating Raven out like she was parched for it so maybe she realised how hypocritical it was. “So do I taste as good as a pornstar then?” she asked her, trying not to sound as breathless as she was. She couldn’t entirely help it, though, it’d always been easy to make her come. It was one of the many reasons she was glad she wasn’t a man. 

“Wouldn’t know, probably better,” Melanie said agreeably. She’d pulled back to talk but she slowly inserted one of her fingers and then, probably feeling how soaked she was, a second. “Your pussy is gorgeous enough to be filmed, especially when it’s all wet like it is right now.”

Raven laughed, her face burning in embarrassment, her head falling back again when Melanie started sucking her clit. It wasn’t long then, with her fingers fucking into her and her mouth on her clit before she started to come. There was no way Melanie missed it with her fingers inside her and the way Raven moaned but she didn’t stop. Melanie had mentioned before that she liked to keep going and going and going, making a girl come as much as she could, but she hadn’t been sure that was going to happen until then. Hadn’t been sure she wasn’t just getting an orgasm out of the way so she could be free to chase her own pleasure. 

“Can I touch you?” Raven asked, because she liked topping just as much as bottoming, but she wasn’t sure Melanie did. Ivone had always had long nails in all the time she’d known her. 

Melanie flicked her eyes up to her face and then pulled away. She nodded, moving so that Raven could kiss her again, getting distracted for a few seconds by the heady taste of her juices on Melanie’s tongue. However, tasting herself in Melanie’s mouth made her want to touch her even more, and she pushed off her basketball shorts off, finding out that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. For some reason, she’d been bizarrely worried that Melanie wouldn’t actually be turned on by this, by her, especially since when she’d gone back to kissing her she’d started biting her lips and tongue again in a way that was painful. But Melanie was wet when Raven cupped her, rubbing her fingers in circular motions and Melanie moaned.

It surprised Raven how responsive Melanie was when she finally got a few fingers in her, riding her hand, grinding her clit against the palm of her hand. She was quiet, though, letting out more sighs than actual moans, and even when she did it was barely as loud as the music that was still playing softly in the background. Raven could tell when she was getting close because she stopped kissing her back, doing little more than just panting into her mouth. She gave up and ducked her head to get one of Melanie’s nipples into her mouth. Her breasts were small, but perky, and for some reason Raven had a thing for small boobs. They must have been sensitive too because Melanie came not half a minute later, completely silent, but contracting tightly against her fingers.

Melanie pushed Raven’s hand away, making a small, pained sound and Raven put it on the small of her back, continuing to kiss her breasts. She allowed this for a few minutes before finally pulling away and laying beside her. “There’s another reason I called you,” Melanie said quietly, just as Raven had been wondering if she supposed to leave now. 

Raven looked over at her. “Other than being the only one desperate enough to let you bruise half my body and still get you off?” 

Melanie laughed and apparently wasn’t so angry anymore because she answered in the easy way she always did when they were exchanging banter. “Yeah, other than that.” Her face turned serious then. “You’re bisexual.” 

“So you think I don’t want you as much?” Raven asked raising her eyebrows judgmentally. Ivone had spouted off a bunch of bullshit about bisexual women not being really bisexual last time the three of them had spent time together. It was stupid really, because Raven knew it had been a direct attack at her. Although a weak attempt, because Raven fit seamlessly in the lesbian community, her own unwillingness to go back into the closet, even if it was one of a different design, the only reason anyone knew. 

Melanie had never contributed much to those conversations, but agreed with Ivone when she was called to answer, even if she did it reluctantly. Raven had never figured out if it was because she didn’t actually agree or because she didn’t want to insult Raven. Now Melanie shook her head. “No, I know you like women,” she answered. She stood up and walked the short way to the bed area and took out a shoebox she’d stored under it. When she returned, Raven saw she was holding a double sided dildo and a small bottle of lube. “She didn’t like penetration.” 

“Wasn’t she with a man before you?” Raven asked her, lifting herself up on her elbows. She’d never used one before, having usually fucked other women with a strap-on or vice versa, but looking at it now she felt her cunt ache with the wish to have Melanie fuck her with it. It wasn’t the dildo itself, even though it looked thick and obviously was big enough since it was meant to satisfy two people at once, but just the thought that she could do something with her she and Ivone hadn’t done got her off a bit. Maybe it was petty but she didn’t care. 

Melanie shrugged neither admitting it or denying. “She still wouldn’t do it. You into it?” 

“Only if you stop biting me,” Raven said. “And scratching, and whatever the fuck else.” 

“Only if you promise not to make this romantic,” Melanie said with a wry smile. She kneeled on the cot above her. Raven still couldn’t figure out whether or not Melanie was deluded into thinking that was likely. Maybe she just thought it’d be easier to resist Raven if she wasn’t trying. 

“Sure, I’ll even think about Evie,” Raven said. “Turn around.” 

Melanie didn’t seem to think her joke was funny, but she still followed her directions, and allowed Raven to position her so that Melanie was sitting over her face. She didn’t actually mean it, because even though she’d meant it when she said she liked Evie, probably more than she did Melanie, she hadn’t been pursuing her as long. Plus, she didn’t know what turned her on about Melanie so much. Maybe it was how very much she didn’t want her. Or the fact that despite Melanie not wanting her, Raven still turned her on too much to properly push her away, and she was vain by nature. Maybe she was even a bit of a bitch, because she didn’t start seriously pursuing Melanie until Ivone tried to get in between her. Probably it was a combination of all those things. 

As she was eating Melanie out, she felt her lean forward and the blunt head of the dildo at her entrance. Melanie paused, asking permission, and Raven ground her hips forward softly. It felt bigger than she expected, almost like a real cock if it weren’t too cool to be human, and she moaned in approval. Melanie started fucking her with the first few inches and Raven rocked her hips up, matching the pace, just to show Melanie she could fuck her properly. After a few minutes, Melanie paused and climbed off of her face, applying lube to the other end before sliding it slowly inside of her. 

“Have you ever used one of these before?” Raven asked her, as she paused when she seemed to get as much as she was going to get inside of her. 

Melanie nodded and the next second she was proving it. She gasped and then wrapped her legs around Melanie’s waist keeping time with Melanie as she kept speeding up faster and faster. The way they were fucking each other now was nearly animalistic, but Raven welcomed it because Melanie was making noise, getting louder. She heard banging on the floor from downstairs because oh, right, they were doing this in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday, but she let out a laugh, and slid her her hands up Melanie’s sweat slicked back to grab onto her shoulders. 

“This is the kind of sex you can’t get with a teenager, isn’t it?” Raven whispered in her ear as she reached in between them to rub at Melanie’s clit. She’d already had one orgasm, without the extra help, but she wanted to punctuate the statement. 

“Shut the fuck -oh- fuck up, Raven,” Melanie said in a shaky voice. It sounded an awful lot like she was crying. She let out a loud exhale the next time she came her body leaning against hers in exhaustion. After a few seconds, she rubbed her clit off too, until she managed to finish and pulled away from her. 

The sun was starting to set through the windows, surprising Raven, because the hour had changed not too long ago, and the Spanish sun didn’t set until 9pm in the spring. She didn’t think she and Melanie had been at it that long, but it explained the exhaustion that was setting into her bones, making her unwilling to move. Melanie for her part didn’t say anything, just leaned over and started rolling up a joint that she shared with Raven before turning off the music and putting on another episode of Friends, so maybe she wasn’t in a rush for her to leave. At the middle of the night, Raven woke up and headed to the bathroom. It was next to the bed with the rumpled sheets and Raven found herself wondering idly if Melanie had slept in it at all after Ivone left. In the bathroom, she noticed the second toothbrush in the cup beside the sink and she felt a sour, almost guilty feeling in her stomach. 

She washed off her make-up and pulled up her hair into a ponytail, looking less like Khaleesi and more like the twenty-five-year-old fuck up she was. Raven dressed quickly and grabbed Melanie’s phone, taking it with her into the kitchen. She found her contact info quickly and erased her number along with the WhatsApp conversation. It wasn’t a situation she wanted to be involved with, filling the space another person had left behind, and she knew she shouldn’t have had sex with Melanie at all. She couldn’t help but wonder if the reason Melanie didn’t want things to turn romantic was more for her own sake than Raven’s. After all, Raven wasn’t the one who fell in too deep, too quickly. Whatever she had said earlier, Ivone had had better intentions than Raven and she doubted now that they’d been done for good when she came over or else Melanie would have thrown her shit out. 

Raven left then, leaving the phone in the kitchen, not bothering to hide that she had made sure to cut contact. It was what Melanie wanted technically, even if they both knew she wouldn’t have been able to give herself that. She knew it was too late to grab the metro and started working toward Cibeles to grab the night bus. On a whim, she tried calling Evie. She’d never called her before, opting just to message her, so she was surprised that Evie picked up. “You know who this is, right?” Raven asked her. 

“Of course, when a woman buys me flowers I remember her,” Evie said, there was a lot of noise behind her, like she was outside a club. 

“I shouldn’t have bought you flowers,” Raven told her. 

“They’re dead now,” Evie responded and then let out a surprisingly cynical laugh. And in a shout she bitterly said. “Todo lo que toco se vuelve a mierda.” Everything I touch turns to shit. 

“I ruin shit too. Even shit that’s already ruined. It’s a talent.” 

“Thought you called because you wanted me?” 

“Am I not convincing you? I tried to be romantic, you didn’t want that.” 

“You didn’t have to try, your eyes said it all. Everything I didn’t want them to say.” 

“You can’t break me any more than I deserve.” 

Evie was quiet for a few seconds. “I’m in Chueca.” 

Raven knew that she had to smell like weed and sex at the moment, but she wasn’t ready to go home with the guilt still flooding her veins. So she went to the club Evie sent her the location to and hoped that Melanie would call Ivone in the morning. Evie’s nose wrinkled after she kissed her cheeks but she still danced with her. At five she held onto Evie’s hand and she followed her onto the bus even though it was the opposite way from her residence. 

“You have to shower first,” Evie said carelessly, laying her head sleepily on her shoulder. Raven laughed and wondered if maybe she didn’t deserve to punish herself for Melanie. Because she knew Evie especially wouldn’t call her back after getting what she wanted. But she was doing what she said she could, ruining things that were already ruined.