“Philip, I…”

“What?” He looked at me as if he was expecting rejection.

“Nothing, Sweetheart. I am just not sure how we will do this.”

“Don’t worry,” he smiled, “I won’t hurt you.”

He leaned toward me then and kissed me. If I had doubts, they were all gone now. I wanted this, I wanted, no needed, him.

I responded eagerly, feeling his morning stubble scratching me, my arms around his neck almost squeezing the life out of him. He pulled back.

“Wow,” he exclaimed.

I smiled and he took a breath and bent to suck and massage my breasts. He was so incredibly gentle and attentive, carefully sucking first one nipple and then the other into his mouth. He squeezed the gland inside and softly massaged it causing my nipples to extend fully, and I stroked the back of his head and released soft little moans and sighs.

He worked his way slowly down my chest and onto the softness of my abdomen below my rib cage. He kissed and licked every inch of flesh he could get to.

Philip wasn’t having sex, he wasn’t even making love, he was worshipping me, treating me like his queen.

I lay and enjoyed every sensation he gave me, every little flutter as he licked my navel, every tickle as his soft tongue passed over my flesh and the inner trembling I was beginning to feel as he neared his destination.

I moved my crippled leg as far as I could to the edge of the bed and let the other fall to the floor, giving Philip the access he needed.

He reached my mound and so, so softly kissed me there, pausing before resuming his attentions. I could feel his hot breath on me as his lips neared my clitoris and he opened me to flick me with his tongue sending little electric shocks up through my belly, to my heart, making it beat faster and harder and making my breathing more difficult.

His tongue continued downwards, his fingers still gently holding me open until he found sanctuary in that delicate opening.

For a moment he stopped, and still looking at my vagina said:

“You are so beautiful, Anna, so perfect,” and, looking up at me, said, “I love you so much.”

I closed my eyes.

Pulling himself up to me I felt him enter, pushing into me and making love as though it was his last time. He was gentle and pushed deeply and as he moved all I could see was Sam’s face, sad and tormented. I tried to push her from my thoughts, but I couldn’t, and because of it I was no longer enjoying my husband.

I felt his strokes becoming harder and slower so I gripped him tightly with my inner muscles and to my absolute self disgust, feigned an orgasm!

I had never done that before, he had always satisfied me but now, I couldn’t bear what was happening, what I was doing. I felt sick inside, I had always loved him ever since I met him at school. I never needed or even wanted, anyone else… until now.

I felt him stiffen and pulse inside me as he released his sperm inside and then lowered himself carefully down beside me and held me so, so tightly.

I felt the tears begin to escape from between my closed eyelids and roll once again down my face and turned my head away so he couldn’t see my misery.

I resolved then that there would be no more Sam. If she contacted me I would tell her that we cannot be together. I would help her come to terms with what we had done, of course I would, it was only fair as I had caused all this, but Philip had to be my priority. He was, is and always will be, my one true love.

And yet... I didn’t believe me! I was fooling myself if I thought I could be that strong. Sam had given me something that Philip never could, the kind of love that only women can share. A man can never understand the emotions that women feel. He can never experience it himself so how could he possible know?

Philip was the best husband and friend I could ever hope to find, but Sam was a woman, she knew how I felt, what I wanted, and she gave it to me.

I suppose I had to be strong; I had to choose Philip. We had been married twenty three years and had been perfectly happy together. He was everything I needed and wanted in a friend, a lover and a husband... until now.

Now I had tasted the forbidden fruit, and it was not just me who was going to suffer for it.

I let out a big sigh.

“Darling? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am,” I answered, without much conviction.

“Are you crying?” he wiped away the moisture from my eyes.

“No, just my eyes watering.”

I had lied to him again! I hated lying to him and what was worse, he knew I was lying!

“Philip?”

“Uh huh?”

“You do realise what you have done, don’t you?”

“Yes,” he smiled, “Now I have to wash you all over again!”

A couple of hours later we were both washed and dressed.

“What do you want to do today, Sweetheart?”

“Can we go into town?”

“What for? You need to rest.”

“I need a new phone.”

“Oh, not again… Why Anna? Why are you so desperate for a phone?”

“Oh Philip, please. All my numbers are on there, and I can’t send emails all the time.”

I was panicking now, but I couldn’t show it.

“I don’t get it. You hardly use you mobile at home.”

What the hell was I going to say now? I need to speak to my girlfriend?

“Philip! I am going to be here for weeks! It will be the only way I can talk to my friends.”

“Okay. Okay. We’ll go to the phone shop if it makes you happy.”

Thanks,” I hugged him. “I’ll only be fidgety otherwise, and it won‘t cost anything. I was due an upgrade months ago.”

Going shopping wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Getting into the car was hard enough. Getting out was even harder and because my disability was only temporary, Philip couldn’t leave the car where he dropped me, and I had to wait for him to park and walk back.

Then there was the problem of walking. I had never used crutches before. It was easy enough in principle, but in practice it was extremely tiring.

By the time I had my new phone, I was shattered and in pain.

“Do you want to go anywhere while we are here?” I asked.

“Well, I would like to go to…” he looked at me as he spoke, "No. It doesn’t matter. You look done in.”

“I’ll tell you what. I will go and have a coffee while you go to where you want to go, okay?"

“All right,” he said, a smile spreading across his face. “It’s a deal.”

He stayed with me and made sure I was comfortably seated and even ordered my coffee for me then disappeared off to whichever man's shop he wanted.

I opened the box that my new phone was in and took out the instruction booklet, and the first thing that struck me were the words ‘charge for sixteen hours before use.’

That was all I needed. I hoped that Sam would not try to phone today. If she couldn’t get through to me goodness knows what she will be thinking.

Oh well. There was nothing I could do now. I could only hope that she would be Okay until tomorrow.

I leaned back into the chair and lifted the mug to my lips.

It smelled strong and my thoughts began to wander back forty-eight hours to when Sam and I first sat together in the coffee shop in Birmingham. We were so happy that day, Sam, because she had someone to talk to and me because I had everything I wanted. Now look at me. Sitting alone with my foot in plaster and my life in ruins.

“Hi, Anna.”

“Penny! How nice to see you!”

My old friend from school. She lived nearby, but I hadn’t seen her for a couple of weeks.

“What are you doing here?” I asked her.

“I just bumped into Philip. He said you were here. I must say he seemed a little distracted. What have you done?”

“What do you mean, what have I done?”

She indicated my foot.

“Ah, that. I slipped at the station last night and broke my ankle.”

Penny nodded in comprehension. I expected her to ask how I had managed to do such a stupid thing. She would have done so normally, but instead she became serious.

“Anna. I know I haven’t seen you for a while but is everything okay?”

She looked concerned.

“I’m sorry?” I said to her. “Why would it not be?”

“Anna, please. I have known you for nearly forty years, and you have always been so full of life, so happy and carefree. I know when something isn’t right with you and something is definitely not right. So… what’s wrong?”

I didn’t answer. I just sat and stared into my coffee.

“Anna?”

I looked up at her, my eyes wet and glistening.

“I can’t tell you, Penny,” the edges of my mouth began to quiver, “I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

“Anna… we have been friends almost all our lives. You can tell me anything, you know that. Don’t you trust me now?”

Penny looked very worried now.

“Yes, Penny, of course I do but I… I just… I’m sorry, I just can’t… Not right now!”

I put my coffee on the table and took the tissue Penny offered me to dab my eyes.

“I have never seen you this way before, Anna. Is it serious? Are you or Philip sick?”

“Please Penny, don’t ask me any more. If either of us were sick it would be easier to bear. In fact, if I was going to die it would be better than this!”

I kept the tissue pressed to my eyes so I didn’t have to look at her.

“Anna!” Penny was stunned, “You have to tell me! I am really frightened now. What has happened?”

“Penny, please!” I implored her, “I can’t! Not here. Not now!”

If I had the use of two legs I would have jumped up and run, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, so I just had to sit and plead and hope that she would stop. She didn’t.

“Anna, I can see that this is something serious, something that affects the two of you. I knew when I saw Philip that something was wrong and you have confirmed it. I am very worried for you both, please don’t shut me out. Is he having an affair?”

“No,” I said resignedly, “He is not having an affair.”

“Then what is… Anna!” Her voice dropped an octave and her eyes widened, “You are!”

The realisation hit her like a sledgehammer.

“But you and Philip… you were so in love!”

“Please Penny, not here. I can’t stand it. I will explain to you but not now and please… don’t hate me, Penny. I couldn’t bear that.”

“Oh sweetie, of course I don’t hate you. We have been friends through everything, you and I. You were my chief bridesmaid! And who helped me through my divorce? You did! I would never judge you.”

She took my hand and held it tightly,

“Whatever has happened, you can count on me to support you surely you know that?”

“I know,” I replied, “but everything is so hard at the moment. Philip doesn’t know, but I think he suspects so please don’t say anything. I will explain it all to you when I can but please, Penny, go now before he comes back. I will call you tomorrow if I can, I promise.”

She sat for a moment, looking into my eyes.

“Okay,” She said eventually, squeezing my hand, “I am here for you, Anna, if you want me.”

“I know, Penny”, I said again, “Thank you. I am lucky to have you as a friend”.

She released my hand and stood, then, turning back to me, said.

“Take care, Anna, you do not need to be alone.”

I smiled sadly up at her, and she turned and walked out of the coffee shop.

Penny had been my best friend and soul mate since we met on our first day at primary school. As she said, almost forty years. We grew up together, almost like twins. We had been inseparable and shared everything. The only thing we didn’t share were boyfriends.

Philip had been my first and only boyfriend. We met when we went to high school and were in the same classes. He never came between Penny and I and we all got on very well together. Even though Penny and Philip liked each other she never tried anything with him and he never made a pass at her and so the three way friendship was perfect. However, Penny made it perfectly clear that she was my friend and only Philip’s friend because he was with me and made me happy.

When we got married, Penny was always going to be my chief bridesmaid. I didn’t have any sisters, being an only child.

Philip was my perfect mate. He always knew what I wanted and my happiness and well-being was his top priority as was his with me and he never complained about Penny, even though he must have thought sometimes that there were three of us who were married.

I was Penny’s chief bridesmaid at her wedding but, unlike Philip and I, her husband wasn’t her soul mate and the adage, ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’ couldn’t have been more true for her. She became very lonely and began drinking and having drunken one night stands. She treated her husband like dirt until, one day, he could take no more and threw her out. She stayed with us for a few weeks and gradually she regained her self respect, stopped drinking and became her old self again.

We never spoke about that period again, until today, but the bond we had proved unbreakable then, and I hoped to God that it would be so now. Soon, she was going to find out that I was now bisexual and hadn’t told her. The only secret I had ever kept from her and that hurt me equally as much as going behind Philip’s back.

I had never wanted Penny for a lover, never even thought about it. She was above all that. Would a man ever think about sleeping with his sister? No! and that was how I felt about Penny.

Now my thoughts were going wild. What if she was upset that I didn’t think of her that way, that I didn’t try anything on with her but went elsewhere instead? What if she had been hiding feelings for me?

Once again my head was swimming. I understood all of this but what if she didn’t?

'Damn it Anna, You could be breaking her heart too!'

Why didn’t I consider all this before? But then, maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference. I had a selfish streak. Not intentional, but I did tend to act first and think later, and now that was going to result in so much unhappiness for at least four people that I couldn’t bear it.

I had to do something. What? What could do? I say ‘no’ to Sam and her heart is broken and her life ruined. I say ‘yes’ to Sam and Philip and Penny’s hearts are broken.

I run away and all three of them are devastated. At the end of the day, my heart is broken what ever I do. Whichever decision I make now, I lose something. My self respect is already gone. It would be better all round if I were dead!

Then I couldn’t hurt anyone else.

Suddenly, my cup shattered in my hands! As I was churning everything over and over I had been squeezing it tighter and tighter until the pressure on it got so great that it broke.

The coffee in it had gone cool so it didn’t burn me but it made me jump and brought me back to my senses.

A waitress came rushing over.

“Are you okay?” she enquired rather nervously, “What happened?”

“I don’t really know,” I ventured, “I must have banged it.”

“Oh look, you are bleeding. Sally!” She shouted to the girl behind the counter. "Get the first aid box please!”

Sally brought over the big green box from the wall in the kitchen, and the waitress began to clean the cut in my palm with an alcohol wipe. She was very gentle and caring.

“I think it’s all right.” she said eventually, “Just a surface scratch.”

She gave me a sterile pad from the green box,

“Press this against it for a while it should stop the bleeding. I will get you another coffee.”

I went to protest, to say no it’s fine but she continued before I had the chance to speak,

“I won’t charge you.”

“Thank you,” was all I could think of. “You have been very kind.”

The sudden drama had jolted me back to my senses. I might be better off dead but no-one else would be. What would that do to Philip? He worshipped me. Of course, if he finds out what I have done he would probably want nothing more to do with me anyway.

Sometime later, Philip returned.

“What has happened to you?” he asked, looking at me clutching the gauze in my hand.

“It’s just a scratch,” I told him how I had broken a cup, “It’s nothing, really.”

“Did you see Penny?”

“Yes I did,” I told him, “She said she had seen you”.

I paused before continuing:

“Philip… can we go home now please, I am so tired and my ankle aches.”

“Oh course,” he replied, “but we have to go somewhere on the way home.”

“Where?”

“Ah,” he tapped the side of his nose with his forefinger, a twinkle in his eye. “That is for me to know and for you to wait and see.”

To be continued...