I opened my eyes and looked at the attractive but serious face which was watching me from the chair beside my bed.

“I didn't see or hear anything as I ran,” I told her. “I didn't notice the man I bumped into and I didn't notice the busy road but worse, I didn't notice the lorry that was coming along it. The driver braked as hard as he could but he didn't have a hope of stopping or avoiding me as I ran out in front of him.”

“And that is how you ended up here, paralysed?”

“Yes. I broke my back and my neck when I went underneath the truck. It's been three years now and still no sign of any improvement. I don't think I will ever be able to walk again.”

“But you were completely paralysed at first though, weren't you, Anna?”

I looked at her steadily.

“I was. I still am pretty much.”

“I seem to recall that you were on a life support machine for the first six months, weren't you?”

“Doctor, I know you are just trying to make me feel better, to give me hope but I deserve everything that has happened to me. I don't deserve to get better. The world is better off without me.”

“So you keep saying but you are wrong. I have sat here hour after hour whilst you have told me about all that happened. You are as much a victim as Sam and Philip are.”

I looked at her again, directly in the eye now.

“You are a Psychiatrist, Helen. It is your job to 'cure' my sick mind but I know what I did. I know it was all down to my selfishness and nothing that you can say will change that!”

“Do you believe in God, Anna?” she asked out of the blue.

I snorted.

“Oh yes, of course I do,” I answered sarcastically. “Do you really think that if there was a God any of this would have happened. Why do you ask anyway?”

The psychiatrist smiled. “Because I find that when people have a strong faith they can move mountains. It really doesn't matter whether there actually is a Deity or not but the power of the mind is an amazing thing.”

“I'm sorry,” I said, “I don't follow.”

She stared gently at me for a minute as I lay motionless in the bed I had occupied for twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for the past three years with just short breaks in a wheel chair.

She took a breath.

“I have been a psychiatrist for almost twenty years. I have many patients, some of whom, like you, are paralysed. What I am trying to say is that your body has made a pretty good recovery, considering.”

I gasped.

“Are you saying I am putting it on, that I am not paralysed but just pretending?”

She smiled benignly,

“No, Anna. I am not suggesting anything of the kind. What I am saying is that people who really believe that God exists, that he wants them to recover are highly likely to make that recovery, provided that they are sufficiently undamaged physically. A sort of placebo effect if you will.”

I was puzzled.

"You mean like the drug tests where half the volunteers are given fake pills?”

“That's right,” she agreed. “You are exactly the same only in reverse. You have convinced yourself that this is your punishment for what you did and so your mind won't allow your body to work because you believe it won't. The point I made about the life support machine was that until you recovered physically enough to eat and breathe unaided, you really were paralysed but now you are out of danger your mind is blocking any further progress. Do you see?”

“Helen. Every week I go to the hospital for physiotherapy. My arms are just about strong enough to lift a fork. It doesn't matter how hard I try. How much effort I put into walking again, my muscles just won't work!”

“I know that, Anna. The physicians are baffled. They said that the reason that you were paralysed after the accident was because the fractures in your spine had caused bruising and swelling around your spinal cord. When that dissipated and the bones healed, you should have been able to begin your recovery and yet, you are still unable to even so much as get out of bed.”

“You think I don't know that?” I hissed at her.

“Anna. You are subconsciously punishing yourself and you shouldn't be. You haven't done anything to deserve this at all!”

“How can you say that, Helen?” I asked her. “You know what happened now. I have told you the whole sorry tale down to the tiniest detail! I ruined Sam's life and Philip's. If I had kept my desires in check none of this would have happened. I always thought I was strong but how wrong I was. I am weak and selfish and this is the result. It would have been better all round if that lorry had killed me!”

The doctor raised her eyebrow.

“Still selfish then, Anna? How do you think that poor driver felt when he couldn't avoid you? He was devastated enough that you were so badly hurt. He blamed himself at first and it took quite a while before he could get behind the wheel again. How do you think he would have felt if he had killed you?”

Her words were like a sledgehammer blow to my chest.

She was right! I had been selfish, right from the start! I was so weak willed that I had run away rather than deal with what I had done!

“Who do you think has suffered the most out of all this, Anna?” she continued, “Philip? Sam? Penny even? What about your mother? Do you want her to go to her grave thinking that her only daughter is broken physically as well as mentally? Well, do you?”

I didn't answer her. I knew she was right and yet...

I closed my eyes, trying to shut her out but all I could see were the sad and anguished faces of all the people who's lives I had destroyed.

“All right, Anna, let me ask you something. How do you feel about being alone now?”

My eyes snapped open and I glared at her.

“What do you mean?” I said angrily. “I thought you were supposed to cure me, not chastise me!”

“Oh Anna! I am not chastising you. I am just trying to make you understand so that you can start again with your life. You can't can't spend the rest of it like this, dependent on those who love you.”

She was doing it again, making me feel guilty, making out that I was a burden on... but she was right, I was a burden on everyone.

I sighed.

“You are right,” I whispered. “It would have been better all round if that lorry had killed me.”

“Oh for heavens sake, Anna. Will you listen to yourself!”

She exhaled noisily.

“All right then, you told me everything, yes?”

I nodded.

“So what makes you so unhappy now? Why are you so lonely?”

I couldn't answer.

“It has a name, Anna. It is called self-pity and it is extremely destructive. I am sorry if that seems harsh but now I have no choice.”

Once again I closed my eyes and turned my face into the pillow.

“Okay, let's take things back a bit and consider what lasting hurt you have caused, shall we?”

I nodded. I knew she was trying to help me but this had been going on for over a year now and I still didn't feel any different.

“Right, let's begin with Philip. Didn't he leave you after all this happened?”

I turned to face her again, puzzled.

“No...” I replied slowly.

“Exactly, no, he didn't did he. He loves you enough for both of you and yet you are still punishing him!”

With immense effort I lifted myself up onto my elbow and I saw a glint in Helen's eyes.

“How am I punishing him? He doesn't have to stay,” I said, unable to conceal my anger now.

“No,” she replied, “He doesn't and yet... And Penny too. Does she have to put up with it?”

“She is my friend. I will understand if she wants to get on with her life!”

Helen was smiling now.

“Yes, Anna, she is a friend. You are very lucky to have her, are you not and what about Sam?”

At the mention of Sam I flopped back down, my arms shaking with the effort.

“What about her?” I asked, finally resigning myself that Helen was not going to stop.

“You said you ruined her life.”

“I did. I caused her such anguish and pain. Just because I...”

“Just because you were selfish? Yes, I know, you told me, more than once.”

I had no more answers left and I closed my eyes again as Helen continued, as I saw it, to berate me.

“Supposing I told you that far from ruining her life you have actually made her very happy after all. How would that make you feel?”

“If it were true I would be very happy,” I scoffed. “But it isn't is it?”

“Would you like to see her again, even after all this time?”

I stared at her in amazement.

“You know I would but why? Why would she want to see me. Surely she must hate me for what I have done to her.”

The Psychiatrist smiled warmly at that.

“Oh no, Anna. Sam doesn't hate you. Deep down I think she still loves you but she is not unhappy any more. She has found herself. Her real self and she is very happy. She has found a lover with whom she now lives.”

I stared at her, stunned by this news.

“How long? Why has no-one told me? Why haven't you told me?” I demanded angrily.

“Why? Does that trouble you?” she asked calmly, watching my every movement.

“Yes!” I exclaimed but then thought for a moment. “Yes it... well... no actually. I am pleased for her. Obviously it was better for me not to know about her, back then but no, I am pleased, I really am.”

At that moment the bedroom door opened and Philip appeared.

“I, erm, just thought you might like some coffee?” he said a little sheepishly. “I heard raised voices and, well, I thought you might like a little break.”

Neither of us answered him but he could see that he had done the right thing as he placed the tray on the dressing table and handed a steaming mug to Helen.

As he had done so many times he leaned over me to help me sit up but I shook my head and tried my damnedest to push myself up against the pillows.

Philip watched in astonishment as inch by painful inch I managed to get into some semblance of upright but three years of inactivity had left my muscles weakened. With a tear in his eye he helped me to get comfortable.

Helen watched us with a smile but said nothing.

Philip sat beside me on the edge of the bed.

“I knew you could do it,” he said hesitantly. “I always had faith in you.”

Helen set her cup down and looked first at Philip and then at me.

“We have been talking and have agreed that the time is right,” she said.

“Time for what?” I asked.

“For you to see Sam again.”

“What?” I whispered. “Why?”

“Because she has been the root of your all your problems, my love. Helen and I have discussed this at length and we both agree that you need to see her one more time.”

Philip looked serious as he spoke.

“Look, I have accepted that she lives in your heart as I do.”

I opened my mouth to protest, to tell him that she could never replace him but he continued, stopping me before I could say anything.

“I know what you were going to say but it's all right, Anna. I can share your heart with her for she gave you something I never could and don't worry, I am fine with it now. I would rather share you, knowing that I have most of your heart than have none at all.”

Helen took another mouthful.

“I think it is time,” she said simply and Philip nodded silently as she turned to me.

“Sam is over at your friend Penny's,” she said. We have all discussed this at great length so, if you feel ready, I shall call Penny and they will be here in a few minutes. What do you think?”

I let my head flop back against the pillows with a sigh. I hadn't seem Sam since the accident but she had never been out of my thoughts.

I closed my eyes and nodded my assent.

What was only about fifteen minutes seemed like forever and while we waited, Philip help me to drink my coffee as he had done every single day for the past three years.

When the doorbell rang I jumped inside. My body didn't move but my heart did.

I listened to every sound of every footstep as they climbed the stairs and then, she was there!

I looked at her, every thought I had about what I wanted to say to her was gone.

She looked beautiful but different somehow. She seemed older and more self assured and, as Helen had said, happier.

I lifted my arm from the covers with difficulty and held out my hand to her.

She took it for a moment and then smiled.

“Hello, Anna,” she said quietly. “It's been so long.”

“Yes,” I whispered, “It has.”

For a moment she looked at Philip as though seeking his assurance.

He nodded and smiled and Sam bent forwards and kissed me gently on the lips, just briefly but the contact hurt as though she had burnt me.

When she then stepped back I wanted to say so much but I couldn't.

Seeing my distress, Sam asked,

“Has Helen told you about me?”

“Yes, just,” I smiled. “She said that you were happy now and have someone to share you life with.”

She looked at the psychiatrist and then back to me.

“There is always a place in my heart for you, Anna, I want you to know that but I am truly happy now and, what's more, my mother accepts her too. I have found who I really am, and it is thanks to you. I am just so sorry that it has done this to you, that I have done this to you.”

“Oh no, Sam. You didn't do this to me, I did this to me. I handled the whole situation so badly but now I know that you are all right I will get better.”

“I hope so Anna, I honestly do. I stayed away because I thought, well, I knew that I couldn't help you.”

“I knew you were no stalker, Sam,” I smiled happily.

There was a brief silence and then I asked.

“So who has made you happy, then Sam? Who gave you the love that I could not?”

Sam smiled mysteriously and then turned to Helen and kissed her gently.

“You?” I gasped in astonishment. “But... I... But how?”

Helen smiled.

“Don't worry, Sam has never been my patient and neither are you, officially. I met her on a train about two years ago. We got on so well that we both realised we were perfect for each other and no, we didn't end up in a hotel.”

The smile faded instantly from my lips as I felt as though she was laughing at me.

“Oh gosh, Anna, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that to sound the way it did, I just meant that we got to know each other before we...”

I smiled, feeling a sense of release as Helen finished.

“When Sam and I got to know each other she asked me if I could help you. I approached your husband and we discussed it at length so I agreed to try.” She paused before adding. “I hope I have.”

A year later, Helen and Sam confirmed their lives together with a civil partnership ceremony. Although the law now allowed them to marry, Sam felt it wasn't right to expect her mother to go against all her beliefs and give her blessing and besides, she didn't care for religion anyway any more.

Helen had no family, her parents having passed away some ten years earlier and she asked if I would walk her down the aisle. She emphasised the word 'walk'.

It had taken a great deal of effort over that year but, on the day of the ceremony I was able to keep my promise and with the aid of crutches and my husbands strong arms I did indeed 'walk her down the aisle' although, the amount of effort it took wore me out so much that I had to spend the rest of the service in my wheel chair!

But that isn't quite the end of my story because Penny too, found happiness once more.

After the acrimonious break up of her own marriage and the resulting fallout, she had always said that she would never trust a man again but, incredibly, she did.

She only went and married the surgeon who repaired my broken back!