Although my eyes closed sleep did not find me.

My head was pounding from a combination of hitting the door frame and the stress of what I had done.

The room was dark and silent.

I knew Philip was also not sleeping as I could not hear him breathe. I could sense more than feel his chest rising and falling but not like when he was asleep and it was occasionally interrupted by little jerks as he choked back sobs in an effort to not disturb me.

I stared up at the ceiling, invisible in the darkness and now and then, a tear rolled down over my temple and soaked into the pillow beside my ear.

The minutes dragged by like hours and images flashed through my mind but, uppermost, was the thought that Philip and I were finished and that was crushing me inside.

I thought about Sam too and what I had done to her. I was finished there too, she could never replace Philip.

I barely knew her and although I had thought I was in love with her, knew I was in love with her, I also knew we were now doomed.

What was I thinking? Did I really believe that I could carry on an affair with her without Philip knowing?

My husband was right, he knew me far better than I knew myself...

Another drop of warm salty liquid rolled down to the pillow and soaked into the now very wet patch that had formed.

I looked at the clock on the stand beside me, two twenty-five, and sighed quietly.

With great care I slowly got out of the bed in a vain hope that I would not disturb him. Pretty pointless as I knew he was awake anyway but, nevertheless, I quietly retrieved my crutch from the floor and hobbled to the door, slowly turning the knob to open it.

I looked back at his motionless silhouette before heading for the stairs.

At the top I stood and looked down into the gloomy half light that shone through the window in the front door.

I wanted to throw myself down them but, unless I was fortunate enough to break my neck on the way down, all that would happen was that I would just make things even more difficult for all of us.

Lowering myself down so that I was sitting on the top step I slipped my bottom off the edge and bumped quietly down, step by step until I reached the ground and hobbled to the kitchen.

I didn't switch any lights on but made a coffee, instant as it was quieter... and easier, then sat at the bar and took my mobile phone from the pocket of my robe and stared at the screen.

There were no messages or emails, just a picture of my perfect husband staring back at me, a picture that had been taken during happier times several years before.

My mind swimming in despair and head pounding, I looked up at the cupboard where the first aid box was located, stood up and opened it.

Inside was a box of Tramadol that I had got at the hospital for the pain in my ankle. I hadn't needed them but now, with the pain thudding unbearably in my temples I took out one of the foil packs and popped out two into the palm of my hand then, without a second thought put them into my mouth and took a mouthful of coffee to wash them down.

For a minute I stared at the open box on the table. Ninety-eight left...

I picked it up and took out the remaining nine packs and spread them out in front of me, nine unopened foil packs glinting in the dim light and one with two ragged, empty slots.

It wouldn't take long, I thought, first the pain would cease and then I would sleep an endless sleep, peace for all eternity.

I took the opened foil in my hand and placed my thumb on one of the domes and began to push.

“Anna?”

I jumped and dropped the tablets onto the table as the kitchen light suddenly came on.

“What are you doing?”

“Philip! I... I...”

In the shadows I could tell he was looking at the foil packs on the table.

“How many have you taken?” he asked, his voice trembling with uncertainty.

“Just two,” I whispered, hanging my head at the shame of even considering the possibility. “My head was hurting.”

He sat down on the chair beside me.

“But you were going to take more?”

I nodded, my head barely moving.

In an instant he had thrown his arms around me and was holding me tightly against him.

“Oh Anna, has it really come to this?” he whispered, rocking gently back and forth.

“I thought it would be best for all of us,” I sobbed, the tears rolling down my cheeks and onto his naked chest, “If I was gone you could all just move on without me...”

“I don't want you gone, my Love. I want you as much now as ever... If you still want me.”

“Oh Philip!” I sobbed even more, “You deserve better then me, I am horrible and don't deserve to be with you.”

He stroked my hair, holding my head firmly against his chest and rested his cheek upon the top of my head.

“I love you, Anna, never doubt that. As long as you want me I will be here.”

I looked up at him and saw the moisture in his blue eyes glinting as he looked at me.

“Believe it or not, I love you too. That very first untruth hurt me like hell, made me realise what a cow I am.”

“Then why did you carry on seeing her, Anna. I really don't understand.”

“I am not sure. It was different, something I had never done before and something that you could not give me. I thought, at first, that because she was a woman, it didn't matter somehow but it does, very much. I did fall in love with her, Philip, I cannot pretend otherwise but it doesn't make any difference whether she is a woman or a man, the feelings are the same. The sex might be different but the feelings are not.”

Philip didn't comment but sat in silence, cradling me.

“Do you think we can get through this together?” I asked, “Do you think you can forgive me?”

Still he didn't reply and I didn't push him but sat silently.

After several minutes he spoke.

“I have a lot of thinking to do, Anna, if it had just been sex then maybe I could have understood, I can't possibly give you what she does in that respect but it seems it is more than that. I don't want to lose you, that much is true but it will never be the same again. I hope that time heals but, right now, I don't know what will happen to us.”

I stared at him, my gaze flicking back and forth, eye to eye then slowly exhaled, a long drawn out sigh.

“I am tired, Philip, exhausted in fact and we do need to talk, to sit and really talk but for now, I will make you a promise, one that I shall never break.”

I sat upright, took his hands in mine and looked directly into his eyes.

“I promise with all my heart,” I began, “That I will never, ever lie to you again.”

Philip let his gaze fall to the floor.

“I believe you,” he said. “I just wish that you had never felt the need to make such a promise...”

Once again, his words cut through my heart and I breathed out, deflated.

“Come on,” he said, getting to his feet, “I will help you back up the stairs.”

“No, I can't go to bed,” I said, “I will just lay there as before, everything churning around. I will sit in the front room, quietly, perhaps put the television on for a while.”

“Then I will stay with you,” he replied.

Taking his hand in mine I looked up at him,

“I really don't deserve you, Philip.”

He smiled at me as he helped me from the chair,

“I mean it, Philip, I really don't and you really don't deserve me.”

“That may well be true,” he replied with a wry smile but I still don't want to lose you, however difficult this is.”

I opened my eyes and blinked, they were sore from crying and from the bright daylight which filtered through the thin lounge curtains.

Once accustomed I squinted at the clock on the mantel shelf, Nine-thirty!

I looked around and winced in pain, my neck was stiff from sleeping in a sitting position and my forehead felt tight and painful.

I touched it with my fingertips and felt a lump the size of an egg, or so it seemed.

The house was silent and I suddenly felt afraid.

Where was Philip?

Pushing myself up I adjusted my robe and tied the chord around my waist then hopped towards the kitchen.

Philip met me in the doorway.

“Hey, come on now, watch that ankle!” he said, slipping his arm around my waist and helping me to the kitchen table. “Oh gosh, look at your head...”

As I sat he pressed his lips against my forehead placing a gentle kiss on the lump.

He was trying to act as he always did, the concerned, loving husband he had always been but now it seemed strained, not as natural as it had been before.

I didn't say anything, I was just glad that he was still here with me. I knew it could take a long time, if ever, for him to trust me again so, for now at least, I would just take each day with him as it came.

“There is some Ibuprofen gel in the cupboard,” he said, “It might help ease the swelling.”

I nodded my assent and winced whilst he rubbed some on as gently as he could.

“Philip...”

He didn't answer but waited for me to continue.

“Philip, I have to call Sam...”

Still he didn't answer but turned to the sink to wash his hands.

“I can't just leave her,” I said, “I have to tell her. It is only fair.”

“Fair...” he repeated but said nothing more as he stood with his head bowed and his hands in the basin.

“...and Penny...” I continued.

“Ah yes, Penny...”

“Don't blame her, Philip, this is all down to me. I created this mess, not them.”

“Really? So they were entirely innocent then?”

I didn't answer as he wiped his hands on the towel and turned to face me.

“Did Sam know you were married?” he asked.

I was about to reply when he continued.

“And Penny, she told you how badly you were behaving and encouraged you to stop did she?”

“Well, erm...”

“No, she didn't. In fact, she helped you to... Oh my Lord...” His voice trailed away as a thought entered his head.

“Did you and her... all this time were you and her...?”

“Philip! No! Penny and I have never... she isn't like that!”

I was astounded that he could even think such a thing.

He glared at me, tying to work out whether I was telling the truth or not then turned back to the sink, his hands gripping the edge as though he were trying to crush it.

“Philip, I promise you, Penny and are are just friends. We have never been anything else. I told you last night that I would never lie to you again and I won't. There has never been anyone one else before this, ever.”

He turned back to me and studied me for a few moments then let out a deep sigh.

“All right, I believe you,” he said at last, “But I don't know whether I will be able to face her again.”

“Penny likes you,” I said, “But she always said that if she ever had to choose between you and me, she would always pick me. She is my friend rather than our friend, after all.”

“Yes, that is true,” he agreed, “But it will still be difficult.”

“Philip...” I started, “I know this sounds bad but I will need some time alone today. I have to put things in order”

“With her?” he said.

I nodded.

“Yes. I know it is a lot to ask for you to trust me now.”

I paused for a moment.

“I can speak to her with you if you wish...”

I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.

“Yes, Anna, it is asking a lot but I don't want to make things any worse than they are already so you do what you need to do.”

He was so damned reasonable! He should be angry, shouting, punishing me and yet, by being so understanding he was actually making me suffer far more than he could imagine.

The thing that hurt me the most was the bitterness in his words, always reasonable, always putting me first but now I could hear resentment. His heart was broken and, try as he might, he couldn't hide it.

I jumped as my phone, on the table in front of me, buzzed loudly. It was Penny.

“Hi Penny,” I answered, trying to sound normal.

“Hi Anna. Are you all right?”

Her voiced sounded concerned.

“Yes, of course. Why do you ask?”

“Oh Anna!” she replied. “I have known you forever. You think I can't tell when you are trying to hide something? Besides, one of your neighbours just told me an Ambulance was outside you house last night.”

“Oh...”

“Oh? Is that it, oh? Anna, what is going on, what's wrong? Why was there an Ambulance?”

She sounded genuinely worried now.

“Philip called it when I fell and banged my head... he knows.”

“What?” she shouted. “Did he hit you?”

“Penny! No, of course he didn't!”

I was astounded she could think such a thing of him.

“He would never hurt me, you know that!”

“Anna, I thought that about you too...”

“Oh Penny, please don't. I feel bad enough as it is. He raised his voice, that is all. He has never done that before and I tried to run from him. Not because I was afraid of him but of myself. When I stood, I forgot about my ankle and fell forward onto the door frame.”

The was a brief silence and then,

“Are you sure that was what happened...?”

“Penny, I promised him and now I promise you, no more lies.”

“Hmm, all right then but why the Ambulance?”

“I knocked myself out...”

As the words left my mouth I became acutely aware of the constant throbbing in my temples and I rested my head on my hand.

“So... why are you not in hospital?” Penny stretched her words, the worry returning to her voice.

“I refused,” I said, “They wanted to take me in but I couldn't, not now.”

“Are you mad?” her voice was incredulous, “If you have a bleed in your head it could kill you!”

“Well I wish it would!” I shouted, “I wish it bloody well would! Then you could all move on without me!”

I dropped the phone onto the table and sobbed heartily.

“Anna! Anna!” I could vaguely hear her voice, tinny and distant, “Anna, talk to me... Please!”

At the same time, Philip appeared beside me.

“Anna, whatever is the matter?” he asked then saw the phone on the table, picked it up and put it to his ear.

“Penny, she will call you back,” I heard him say and then a faint crackling as Penny spoke.

“What's done is done,” he said, “And you have done quite enough!”

There was more crackling.

“I am sure you do but now is not the time,” he replied and pressed 'end call'.

Philip put his arm around my shoulders and held me tightly.

“Anna, please stop talking about wanting to die. You are tearing me apart...”

“I can't bear it, I have made such a mess...” I said, looking up at him, blurred through water filled eyes. “I don't what to do, I can't fix this...”

“You know, I never realised you were so selfish!” he said, again that bitter tone rising to the surface, “What you did has destroyed me, destroyed us and now you want to leave me to pick up the pieces alone?”

He shook his head with exasperation.

He was right of course but I didn't have a clue about how to fix this. I couldn't fix it. Philip would never trust me again. What I did was always going to be there and he would always resent me for it.

He was right though, I had made this mess and now it was up to me to deal with it.

I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my gown.

“I'm sorry,” I sighed, “You are right, I am selfish.”

I felt his grip on my shoulders increase as he pulled me closer to him and I pressed my head against him.

Once again the phone buzzed loudly. Philip picked it up and looked at the screen.

“Sam,” he said, handing it to me. 

"No! I can't, not now!”

I was panicking and pushed his hand away.

“Anna, you said you would deal with it...”

“Yes and I will but not now, not unprepared, not like this.”

The phone stopped buzzing and he placed it back on the table.

Moments later it buzzed again but only twice this time, in quick succession... a message.

I stared at the screen and Philip stared at me, expectantly waiting.

I put my finger on the button and held it until the screen went blank. Now I would not be disturbed again.

“All you are doing is prolonging the inevitable,” Philip stated. “They won't go away you know.”

“No,” I sighed in resignation, “I know...”

Philip left and went upstairs to dress and once he was out of earshot I switched my phone back on. Once again, the little blue light began flashing that I had a message.

I touched the screen and opened the message to clear the notification light.

It stated exactly what I expected, 'You have voicemail...'

Tap the three numbers, listen, tap another and then...

“Anna, it's Sam. I have thought about what you said and if you still want me I can play at being friends for your husband if it means I can still see you. Call me.”

A brief pause and then,

“End of messages. To listen to your message again, press...”

I terminated the call and sat staring at the picture of Philip which had reappeared on the screen.

Hearing Sam's voice again was a nightmare.

I had worked it all out in my mind, I would phone her, tell her it was over, try to comfort her and explain why it had to end and then, onwards with trying to build a new life with Philip.

Now that whole plan lay in tatters. I couldn't let her go, I couldn't...