I lay on my bed as it got darker and darker outside. My tears had my hair plastered to my face as I beat my pillows with my fists as I screamed. I can’t take this anymore. I just can’t…
It was about that time I fell asleep fully dressed sprawled out on my bed with tears drying on my face.
I slowly opened my eyes and saw nothing but darkness. I lay there silently slowly remembering the fight earlier between me and my dad. I blinked my eyes a few times to get the sleepy out of them, and then I heard it.
I sat up like a log and listened, barely breathing. I couldn’t believe my ears. I hadn’t heard this song since before Mama died. Father wouldn’t ever touch that CD. I know, because he hadn’t touched it since before she passed. I haven’t heard him laugh or seen him smile since that day. It breaks my heart to see him so unhappy, and I wish I could fix it. I make dinner every day, I bring flowers home on Fridays, I keep this house cleaner than it’s ever been, and he has yet to give me a true smile. Hence why we have our arguments, he ends up saying something that hurts my feelings and then I go ‘gung-ho-all-out-woman’ on him is what he calls it. Then I slam my door and come out two hours later and everything is usually okay. After those fights, we act like nothing happened and continue our daily lives.
But this time, I sat there listening, and I felt everything had changed. That song… “Pachelbel’s Canon,” was mother’s favorite tune. When she was still with us, she had the song playing over the home speaker system every day. It was a security thing for her, which became security for us all. Ever since she died, Daddy never let it play, until now.
I let the thought pass from my mind as I got up off my bed to change clothes. It was completely dark outside now. I could hear the wind outside, there was a thunderstorm moving in from the south. I slipped out of my tight jeans and turtle neck shirt and into a pretty yet sexy pair of red lacy boi shorts and a see through pink nighty on my top half. Even though Daddy seemed to scare away all of the boys I ever liked away, I still liked to look at myself in the mirror. I thought I had a decent body; five foot one inches tall, 36 B size breasts with light pink nipples, my hair was a dark golden brown that went past the middle of my back in waves. My hair was my vanity, for I loved it dearly.
I wrapped my soft red robe around me and opened my door for the music to remind me again of my mother, and yet again wondering why Daddy was playing it again. I went down the hallway and passed Daddy’s room. I stopped and peered through the cracked door but I didn’t see Daddy.
I made it to the kitchen and got a glass of tea out of the fridge and started drinking it slowly. It made my throat feel much better after crying so much earlier. The Canon could still be heard throughout the house. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t ignore the fact that Daddy was playing it after all this time, and after our argument nonetheless. I was startled and jumped slightly as I felt fingertips on my shoulder holding me softly. I spun around and there was Daddy, just looking at me. I didn’t know what to think or say, so I said nothing and looked down. Daddy wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to his chest.
Daddy was a truck driver and drove for at least a week at a time. He was all over the state of Alaska, going on the ice roads even. I learned a long time ago not to let it bother me that he might die, because for some reason he still always comes home. For being in his late thirties, he was still a very good looking man. He kept his hair cropped short and I usually only ever saw him around the house in white crew neck T-shirts and blue jeans with an occasional long sleeve denim shirt. I only came up to his chest. But it was always his bright green eyes that caught my attention. To me it seemed as if they had every color of the spectrum in them.
I caught myself looking into his eyes again and suddenly looked down again. I hadn’t even realized that I was looking into them until I felt Daddy tense up a bit. Nothing was said so I unraveled myself from his embrace and ran back to my room. Once I got back in my room, I realized my robe had come undone and that he had seen me. My mind was reeling. I suddenly started not to feel good inside, so I lay on my bed trying to think which was proving very difficult.
I turned my lamp back off and got under my blankets this time in my sexy nighties and tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn’t. My mind kept going back to those eyes, the eyes that I hadn’t seen in over a year. Except when I had seen them over a year ago, they weren’t looking at me, they were looking at mama. I didn’t know what to think, or know what I was supposed to feel. I was scared. But then again, I did know something that I felt. I didn’t want to believe it though, because it was wrong. It was so very wrong that I didn’t even realize I had let my hand wander further under the blankets. I cautiously felt between my legs and it was very wet. I gasped, realizing that what I felt was true. The way Daddy had looked at me had made me aroused to the point where I soaked my panties.
After the initial shock of finding out I had sexual feelings for the man who brought me into this world, I actually let my hand find its way beneath the soaked lace and onto the folds of skin that surrounded my rose bud. It was as slick as ice yet as hot and steamy as the steam off the water in a hot shower. I pushed the thin fabric to the side while simultaneously slipping a finger deep inside myself. It made me gasp once more as I pictured those eyes of Daddy’s again.
I let my fingers roam for a good ten minutes before I finally felt the feeling I wanted; the explosion of euphoria in my stomach as I reached my climax. I gasped and whined again as my body began to relax when all of a sudden I realized my door was open. I tensed as I sat up fully to see no other than my father sitting at the foot of my bed. My heart was racing and beating out of my chest as I stared yet again into those yes, except this time, they weren’t in my mind.
“Elaina, it’s okay. It’s just me. Calm down,” Daddy said as he reached with one hand to cover one of mine. My heart started to calm down just to race suddenly again when Daddy came closer to me. I took my other hand and made a failing attempt to pull the blankets back over me. I saw his eyes smile again, which scared me even more, because I was getting wet all over again.
I burst into tears and reached for Daddy as he wrapped me in his arms. I cried for only a few minutes, but the whole time, he sat there, saying nothing, moving nowhere. I beat my fists on his broad shoulders and tried to pull away from him, but for some reason, my body wouldn’t let me pull hard enough to where he let me go. Maybe he did understand, or maybe it was me who didn’t understand after all.
Daddy pulled up the blankets around my shoulders as he sat there holding me close to him, his white shirt covered with tears and snot, but I assumed he didn’t care at this point.
“Elaina, sweetheart, why didn’t you just come to me? There is nothing to be scared of,” were his words. I heard each and every one of them, and with each one of them came a resounding cloud of love that I had never felt before. It made my stomach ache and turn in knots and my hands sweat while clutching at his shirt.
I didn’t know what to say, but I figured it was time to say something. I couldn’t hide from the truth forever. “Daddy? I’ve always been scared. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to admit that Mama was gone. I’m 18 now, I know, but I wasn’t ready for her to go away yet, Daddy. I wasn’t ready,” I said to him in sobbing whispers. He held me tighter.
“Darling, I wasn’t ready either. I didn’t want to admit she was gone yet either, but I figured it is time to let her go. We still have each other you know,” he said as I looked up into those eyes again. They sparkled and made him look much different in the dark.
The storm had arrived and rain was battering down on every inch of the house while thunder made the windows rumble. It was a magnificent sound, the sound of thunder. Mama, Daddy and I had always stood by the back door and watched out the glass at the lightening in the sky above our house. Those times are gone now though.
After this, Daddy finally unwrapped his arms from around me and left the room, saying nothing more. I was left in the silence with nothing but the thunderstorm for comfort. I lay my head back down on my pillow and snuggle up more in my blankets, shaking violently with the emotions from tonight. The music continued to play throughout the night as I fell asleep yet again.
***
Days had passed and nothing was said between Daddy and me. I went to work while he worked around the house before he had to leave the next day for Point Barrow, the northernmost town in the United States of America. He would be gone for four days he had said last week. I was looking forward to him leaving honestly. I kept trying to forget that night when he came into my room, but it seemed the memory was etched into my mind for all eternity with the way it stayed glued to my vision. I kept myself locked up in my room.