He had arrived at the real estate agent’s office early, to get his application in for the lease on the apartment the same day. The real estate agent, an enthusiastic young man, welcomed him into the office and sat him down on the other side of the desk.

“I’m here about the lease on the apartment that you had the inspection for at midday.”

“Ah yes, I remember you!” exclaimed the agent. “Yes. You were the seventeenth in line!”

“You have a good memory!” he warmly responded.

“I’m good with faces.” The agent went on. “You were happy with the property?”

“Absolutely. My wife and I would love to lease this one.”

“Excellent, excellent. Well…as you know, the competition is pretty hot.”

“Yes”, the man cautiously agreed.

“But don’t worry, I’m sure we can work together to put in a terrific application!”

“Good. If you can guide me through it, I’d appreciate it. We need to sort something out quite soon.”

“OK, well let’s go through the negotiable sections one by one, and I’ll help you to make the application compelling.”

“Great. Where do we start?”

“Well, the first section is price. As you know, the government has capped all the rental prices to $300 per week, so that’ll be the price.”

“Yep.”

“With the government caps in place, pretty much everywhere is affordable now!”

“It sure takes a lot of the worry off!” the man smiled.

“Yes. Anyway, the next section is property maintenance. You’ll agree to have the place professionally cleaned and spotless every week, you know, to keep the property in top shape. All floors swept, carpets vacuumed, windows, everything.”

“Understood.”

“Next is repairs. You’ll waive all right to have anything repaired by the landlord.”

“Yes, I expected that.”

“Good. Also, the stove, the heater, and the shower are broken. You’ll repair that for the landlord before you move in, at your expense.”

“Oh, well all right. We’ll be using them after all.”

“Next is the term of the lease. That will be a minute-to-minute lease.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, it means, that the landlord can terminate your tenancy with one minute’s notice. The legal period is thirty days, but you’ll waive that right.”

“Oh, how would I get my belongings out within a single minute.”

“No…well…you wouldn’t. I mean, you would leave with a minute’s notice, and then the landlord would have a week to put your things out on the kerb. Hopefully, it doesn’t rain that week!” The agent laughed. “Make sure you take your wallet and car keys. No seriously, remember to do that.”

“That sounds a little harsh.”

“Just the way things are now. Sorry.”

“Next, is access to the apartment. You’ll agree that the landlord has a set of keys and the right to show up at any time. You know, raid your fridge, use the toilet, et cetera.”

“He doesn’t do that a lot, does he?”

“Well, no, but he likes to come by occasionally and mark his territory, so to speak.”

“OK, I’ll bear that in mind.”

“Next is gifts. You’ll agree to buy the landlord gifts for his birthday, Christmas, Easter, and supply baked goods weekly.”

“Baked goods?”

“Yep, scones, cakes, slices. Your wife bakes? Or you do?”

“My wife does.”

“Great. Send a package to the landlord at least twice a week. Mix it up. You know, make it interesting.”

“I’ll get that arranged.”

“Social media section; you’ll make at least three posts per week praising the landlord for kindness, handsomeness, fashionability.”

“Uh huh.”

“Just make something up.”

“Ah…ok, I think we can handle that.”

“Definitely. Yeah. OK, now we come to the last section.” The agent paused. “It’s the meaty part of it all. The rest is nice to have, but this is where you really make the application competitive.” The man shifted uncomfortably. “Yes, my friends let me know about this.”

“Yep, the sex section.”

“Well, my wife and I conferred and…we…ah…agreed that we could offer her to the landlord for sex once per month. We’ll pay for the dinner and drinks and condoms.”

The agent paused. “Your friends told you to offer that?” he asked.

“Well, yes, they did. They said the market was a bit tight…and…that to secure a lease they had to offer their wives to the landlord.”

“How long have your friends been on their leases, may I ask?”

“Well, about a year or two, I think.”

“Yeah…” the agent hummed, stroking his chin. “You know, if you’d applied for a lease twelve months ago, that would have been a good offer, but the market has really tightened up since then.”

“It has?”

“Oh, yeah. You know, ever since the caps, it’s been all demand and no supply. I mean, this apartment could otherwise have gone for at least double the price, maybe triple. There are just so many people looking for a place.”

The man sighed. “OK then, what do we have to offer? Twice per month?”

“No, no, it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. I mean, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but this landlord has a dozen properties and he has sex written into every lease. He gets all the sex he wants, so upping it to twice per month doesn’t really help. Look, every girl is offering sex without a condom now, and we really have to start there.”

“Start there? What do you mean?”

“I mean, that’s the baseline, and we can embellish the offer to give your application a better chance.”

“How do we do that?”

“Glad you asked. We have a bunch of different options. One that we really recommend right now is the Total Abstinence option.”

“What’s that?”

“That’s where you agree not to have sex with your wife.”

“For how long?”

“Ever.”

“What?”

“The way this works is that instead of having sex with you, your wife has sex with the landlord.”

“Without a condom?”

“Exactly!”

“But then…she’d fall pregnant to him, not me.”

“Yes.”

“But then, I wouldn’t…be able to become a father.”

“Oh, you could still become a father. I mean, the children would be the landlord’s biologically, but you’d still be their father legally and relationally. You’d also have to agree in perpetuity to waive any right to a paternity test so that in the event of a marriage breakdown, you’d be responsible for the child support, instead of the landlord. Also, your wife would have to submit to vaginal examinations weekly to ensure compliance. The landlord would pay for that”. The agent laughed. “It’s almost impossible to get landlords to pay for anything these days, but they’ll pay for your wife’s compliance examinations if he has breeding rights over her.”

“So, I’d raise the landlord’s kids, and never have sex with my wife? I don’t really like the sound of that.”

“It’s a compelling offer. I’d really encourage you to consider it. I could get you the lease for sure if you agreed to Total Abstinence.”

“Frankly, I’d rather not have to give up having sex with my wife.”

“Well, all right then. We do offer a similar option, the Clean Cuckold option.”

“OK, how does that work?”

“Well, under this option, you could still have sex with your wife, but only if you wear a condom.”

“And the landlord doesn’t?”

“That’s right! You could come into the backroom in our office, where a supervisor checks to ensure that you use the condom, that there are no holes in it, that you keep it on for the duration of sex, et cetera. You’d also have to pay for regular vaginal swabs for your wife to prove compliance.”

“Then, I still wouldn’t have any kids of my own.”

“Well, true, but you could at least have a consolation fuck when you come into the office here with her. Look, this option is also quite strong, and I could almost guarantee that you’d get the lease if you offered it. Landlords really value breeding rights.”

“Let’s say that I’d like to keep the, what did you call it, ’breeding rights,’ over my own wife. Is it still possible to put in a competitive application?”

“Well, yes, yes. I mean, it gets a bit harder, but there are still options.”

“Such as?”

“Party option.”

“What’s that?”

“Once per month, you and your wife would host a party for the landlord and his selected friends. You’d provide the food and drinks. Your wife would serve in her lingerie. After they’ve finished eating and drinking, the landlord & friends would take your wife into the bedroom and go to town on her while you cleaned up all the plates and glasses. The advantage of that being that after they were done with her, you’d be allowed a chance to sleep with her too, if you don’t mind diving in where it’s already creamy! There is a chance that she could fall pregnant to you instead of one of the others…” 

“Um, hm, well…wouldn’t they use condoms?”

The agent winced. “Don’t use the C-word, man. Just don’t. Landlords hate it!”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s like saying that the landlord is dirty. That his body is dirty. That his…bodily fluids are dirty. It’s rude. It is. You come across as being really prissy if you tell the landlord to put on a condom. They’ll cut your application. You need to understand that the penis is the landlord’s greatest asset, his pride and joy. He doesn’t want to hide it away and cover it up with condoms. He wants to pull it out and wave it around the room to universal applause and acclaim. The tenants who handle this the best are those who treat the landlord’s penis as being, like, their little god.”

“Really.”

“Yeah, some of them have very elaborate rituals, with bowing and kissing and giving of thanks, before and after sex.”

“People actually do that?”

“For sure. Some tenants have this down to a fine art. Landlords love that shit. Those leases are definitely secure. And if the landlord’s penis is your god, then his…emission…is like…the bounty of the gods. You’re supposed to smile and show excitement and gratitude for the bounty, not tell him to keep them to himself inside a condom!”

“Gee, this market is really tight!”

“I’m afraid so. Look, there is one thing I could suggest.”

“What is it?”

“The Secondary Revenue option.”

“Go on.”

“Under this option, instead of your wife having sex with the landlord, she’d sign an open consent form to have sex with the men that the landlord sends to her.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Well, the landlord would charge the men for the right to use your wife.”

“You want me to turn my wife into a…”

“Listen, listen. Hear me out! Under this option, the landlord would set a weekly retainer, and your wife could decide to have sex however she wishes, provided that she met the retainer. She could demand that the men sent to her use condoms. Obviously, that wouldn’t pay as much, so she might have to take on, say, three men per week.”

“Well, I don’t…”

“But it gets better, because if she exceeds the retainer, you can keep twenty…no, uh, ten percent of the additional revenue. It could be a nice little earner for you.”

“We don’t really need the extra money and…”

“Listen, listen! If she can bring in twice the retainer, then the landlord would waive the abstinence clause, and you could have sex with her yourself! She could service a man each night from Monday to Saturday, and Sunday she’d be all yours!”

“Now, my wife and I agreed to once per month. Once per night as a big step up. We didn’t really expect this. Isn’t there something else we can offer the landlord in the application?”

“Sure. Absolutely. We haven’t started talking about you.”

“Me? Is the landlord…gay?”

“Well no, I happen to know that this particular landlord is straight.”

“So I’m…not applicable, then?”

“Yes and no. Just because this landlord isn’t straight, it doesn’t mean that they all are. If you offered yourself up for sex with the landlord, he could trade you to a gay landlord in exchange for one of the gay landlord’s female tenants.” The agent opened his arms wide. “Everybody wins!”

“Everybody?”

“Yeah! You know, we have this one couple, husband and wife, who have an arrangement with their straight landlord and his gay friend. They all go out together and buy the daintiest, most feminine matching costumes for the tenants, the husband and wife do each others’ makeup, then they all go home and jump into bed together for a great, big, anal romp. The landlord rides the wife’s ass while his friend rides the husband’s. Does that appeal to you?”

“Um, no, not really…no.”

“Are you sure? You could have a lot of fun with it. They come back with the most beautiful outfits.”

“If all I had to do to get the lease was put on a pretty dress and prance in front of the landlord, then I would probably do it, but I’m a guy—a straight guy—and anal romps are just…not…”

“Not your thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Shame. You could earn a lot of brownie points with the wife. Women love it when their husbands share the load.”

“Not for me. Sorry.”

“Well OK, but your wife would still be up for it?”

“Ah, well, we didn’t discuss that, not specifically, but, she did agree to have sex with the landlord so…maybe…yeah maybe she’d do it.”

“OK, let’s write it into the offer, and you can go home and persuade her that this is what has to happen.”

“Ah, uh, all right…I guess.”

The agent thought for a moment. “It’s not that good an offer, though.”

“It isn’t?”

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than your original offer, but I still wouldn’t say that’s top quartile.”

“Why not?”

“Well, breeding rights are really hot right now, and if you’re only offering anal then you really need to put out two bodies instead of one to make up for it. If your ass isn’t up there on the sales block with your wife, then, you really only have half an offer on the table.”

“Fine, scratch that idea then. I’m not entirely sure that I could persuade her anyway. It might cause a domestic upset.”

“Hah! Women, eh?”

“Yeah, look, is there any way that we can get this done without either me or the wife getting, uh, romped.”

“Absolutely. You could go substitutes.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that instead of giving sex yourselves, you’ll pull some other people to do it in your place.”

“What, you mean like a prostitute or something?”

“Yeah, you could do that, though it would get pretty expensive for you. I have another tenant who keeps a safe room for junkies and homeless people.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I use the term ‘safe room’ loosely though, because, obviously, they aren’t that safe once the landlord stops by with a hard-on.”

“That sounds a little…exploitative of the vulnerable…”

“Well, yeah, but it’s either them or you. Dog eat dog.”

“Where would I even find such people?”

“Oh, you know, just cruise the dark inner city alleyways at night. You’ll pick up a few strays. Offer them a hot meal, a lift home. You’ll need to be careful, though. Some of them are a bit out of it. They might try to stab you with a syringe or something.”

“I’m not really liking this idea.”

“Yeah, look, to be honest, substitutes are better if you know them personally. Do you have any relatives in the city? Male or female? It’s all good.”

“Uh, I have a sister…”

“How old is she?”

“She’s nineteen.”

“Perfect! Above the age of consent. Perfect.”

“Yeah but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want to give up…breeding rights, either…”

“Ah, OK, well, we can still work with that! I mean, depriving the landlord of his breeding rights is definitely a negative, and only one body instead of two is also a negative, but on the plus side, she’s young. That’s extra points!

“Right.”

“Yeah, I mean, just between you and me, some of the bodies the landlords have to put up with are a bit…flabby…or wrinkly. A nice young ass could be a winner! Give me her address, I’ll send the landlord around to sodomise her, and, if he likes it, he’ll want it every month, won’t he? We’ll offer the first time as a freebie.”

“A freebie?”

“Yeah. No obligation.”

“No obligation for what?”

“Well, no obligation for the landlord to accept the lease.”

“Then why the hell would we do it?”

“Landlords love freebies. It’ll make your application sparkle. He’ll have a spring in his step when it comes time for him to consider your application. You’ll be right near the top, for sure.”

“But not guaranteed?”

“No, technically it wouldn’t be guaranteed…”

“What are my odds?”

The agent thought for a few moments, then helpfully offered “Fifty percent?”

“So, I give away my sister’s bottom for free, and there’s still a fifty percent chance my application will be rejected.”

“Well, yeah…”

The man sighed. “OK, scratch that idea too. What else have you got?”

“We have a range of BDSM options. You and your wife can take a good hard flogging whilst bound, gagged, and splayed, right?”

The man sighed again. It was going to be a long afternoon.