Scene 1: A television studio set sometime in the future. Three couples are seated in front of the main TV camera. The show's host is standing in front of them with a stage behind the host. On the stage are prizes for the contestants. A studio audience is observing the goings on.
Characters:
Peter Long: Sharply dressed middle-aged man. He is the host of the show.
Debbie: Shapely, young woman in a sequined dress. She points to the prizes on the stage.
The Announcer: Deep male voice, never seen on the set.
Man 1, Richard Foster: A late twenties man with wavy dark brown hair. He is casually dressed.
Woman 1, Robin Foster: An attractive woman in her twenties, she is Richard's wife. She has long blonde hair and is sharply dressed.
Man 2, Sam Hirsche: A man in his early thirties with blonde thinning hair.
Woman 2, Rita Hirsche: A woman in her early thirties, nicely dressed. She is Sam's wife.
Man 3, Gordon Hobbs: A man approximately thirty, dressed in a sweater and dress slacks. He has red hair.
Woman 3, Irene Hobbs: A woman, also about thirty with brown curly hair. She is Gordon's wife.
Act 1, Scene 1:
(Camera focuses on Peter, the host.)
Peter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sex Fantasy TV Edition of The Newlywed Game. I am your host, Peter Long broadcasting from Studio One in Sex Fantasy Land. The show where couples find out how much they really know about each other. Before we begin, our announcer will tell you about the lovely prizes we have for our lucky couples here tonight.
(The camera pans to the stage where Debbie is standing next to a table full of assorted sex toys and pointing.)
Announcer: For the ladies, we have a lovely collection of assorted dildos and vibrators from Acme Vibrator. There is the ten inch dildo for when you had a really rough day at the office, there is the seven inch for when you had a fight with your husband and another in lovely Day-Glo green for an interesting strobe like effect. There is also an assortment of vibrators in various sizes and colors. Comes complete with a quart of synthetic lube, leather attaché carry case, two packs of Duracell Energizers and a 12-volt car adapter. Remember, when the husbands away the wife will play. From Acme Vibrator, the first name in adult toys since 1986.
(The camera pans to the next table where Debbie is now pointing to a full-size inflatable doll)
Announcer: And for the gentlemen, from American Inflatables we have the Deluxe Inflatable Love Slave. The Inflatable Love Slave features a working mouth and life-like vibrating pussy. Features a built in MP3 player pre-programmed with such lines as "Take me now Big Daddy", "I need you so bad", "That feels good", "Oh God you're so big" and 122 other lines women feed men. Comes complete with carry case, lube, French maid outfit, two wigs and a quart of cleaning solution. From American Inflatables, the first name in inflatable dolls.
(The camera pans back to Peter, the host of the show.)
Peter: OK, I think you know how this show works. We asked each of the ladies a question backstage. We will now ask the gentlemen that same question. If you get the correct answer, which matches what your wife said, you will win the prizes. Are you ready to play?
Couples: Oh yes.
Peter: Great. The first question is for Richard. We asked your wife Robin if she has ever had an orgasm. Has your wife ever had an orgasm? Richard.
(Camera pans to Richard.)
Richard (Grinning): Of course, every night.
BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds.)
Peter: I'm sorry Richard that is not what your wife said. She said she has never had an orgasm, at least not with you. She says you couldn't make a hungry tiger come with a pound of chop meat.
(Camera pans to Richard and Robin.)
Richard (Turning to his wife.): Baby, what do you mean? You have one every time we make love.
Robin: Are you really that dumb? You can't tell I'm faking it? I was looking at my watch last night. You know 31 seconds just ain't gonna do it.
Richard: But the moans, the screams?
Robin: I was screaming for it to end you moron.
(Camera pans to Peter, the host.)
Peter: Uh, uh hum.