Acme Silicone Inserts
0321 Exner Street
Oberon, Nebraska 

Ladies and Gentlemen:

My name is Lydia Joozy. I am writing about your line of silicone companions for the discerning woman. I have been a satisfied customer of yours for many years, but find myself at a crossroads and hope you can help.

When I left home to go to community college, my mother gave me my first silicone friend. It was the Rhett Butler model, produced by your company. My mother hoped that it would keep me away from the college boys. Well, that didn't work, but Rhett and I had many wonderful nights in my dorm room, and I will always remember Rhett fondly. When I graduated, I gave Rhett to my roommate, Betty Jo Niesaneers, and she is now as loyal a customer of Acme Silicon as am I.

When I got my community college degree in animal husbandry, I ordered your Mandingo model. My first time with Mandingo really opened my eyes to what the world outside of school has to offer. Mandingo got me through finding my first live-all-alone apartment and my first real job. Those were scary times and I don't think I could have done it without Mandingo there to comfort me at the end of a stressful day.

Then I got my first steady boyfriend. Amos, my boyfriend, was wonderful, but not that big and not nearly as reliable as silicone. In addition, I had become a little bored with Mandingo. He was good, but no longer challenged me the way a modern midwestern woman likes to be challenged.

So I ordered the Paul Bunyan. Wow. Paul fulfilled me in ways I'd never known were possible. After those dates in which Amos, bless his heart, was a little too quick for my tastes and left me, you know, unsatisfied, Paul would step up to the plate and take care of business. I sent some selfies of me, Paul, and my happiest o-face, to my old roommate Betty Jo, who I am pretty sure ordered a Paul Bunyan for herself.

Well, Amos and I broke up and I thought that if I could handle the breakup with Amos, I could handle anything this crazy world could dish out. So I went and ordered your King Kong model. 

Okay people, are you fuckin' kidding me? That thing is huge.

I am committed to experiencing life deeply and expanding my horizons, but some horizons were only meant to expand so far. There may be many midwestern women who love the King Kong, but unfortunately, I am not one of them. At first, I thought it was no big deal. I would just return to the familiar comforts of Paul Bunyan. Sadly, Paul and I couldn't rekindle the flame. Kong had ruined me for Paul, yet I could not embrace the King either.

Which leads me to the purpose of this letter. Do you have at Acme a size that is right between the Paul Bunyan and the King Kong, or if you do not, would you consider manufacturing one? Perhaps you could call it Bigfoot, or the Hulk and it would be built for women unable to appreciate the King, but needing just a little more than Paul.

If you have such a thing, please let me know by return mail. And if you were to make one I would not only be thankful, but would recommend it to Betty Jo and all my other midwestern lady friends.

Awaiting Your Prompt Reply

Lydia Joozy