I remember watching a woman audition for Pop Idol on TV and within twenty seconds of her making a fool of herself in front of Simon Cowell, I had to leave our family living room to escape the pain of embarrassment. It was the first time I recognised my great fear: humiliation. Seeing a person being embarrassed causes me distress and actual physical discomfort, and these symptoms are supercharged when I am the subject of attention.

To cope with public humiliation, I respond in three ways. In the case of second-hand embarrassment, like witnessing a godawful audition, I flee. When I embarrass myself, I shrink. But when someone else tries to humiliate me, I fight, like schoolboys who teased me about my red hair will readily confess. I cannot abide being humiliated.

It shocked me, then, to learn that the exact opposite is true in a sexual context. My third boyfriend, who was five years older than me, gifted me with this revelation the very first time he fucked me. I can pinpoint the moment of realisation to the instant he called me a dirty college whore while pulling my head back with a fistful of hair. The orgasm I experienced that night put all others before it to shame.

Fast-forward to today and I can report that I love humiliation, degradation, and CNC play in the bedroom. In fact, I’m starting to realise my happiness and wellbeing may well depend on having these desires sated, and that puts me in a dilemma, one which I’ve been struggling with for over a year. It turns out that I am in a serious relationship with a man who is thoroughly vanilla, who couldn’t hope to satisfy my kinky urges if he tried.

Dan is kind, loving, and funny. He’s also charismatic, smart, good-looking, charming, sensible… The list goes on. He’s a catch, is my point, and I caught him, and I want to keep him. The question is whether I can maintain a life of repression. In the first year of our relationship, I convinced myself I could, but since we moved in together a few months ago, my confidence has started to crack.

Earlier today, while Dan walked me home, I was catcalled by three road workers in my neighbourhood. Without thinking, I crossed the street, faced up to these hard-hat arseholes, and gave them a piece of my mind. They did not expect petite little me up in their grill, and by the time Dan arrived by my side, they looked thoroughly chastised and apologised, ‘No offence meant, luv, sorry.’

Poor Dan looked exasperated and angry as he led me away.

Later that night, as we cuddled naked in bed, Dan said, ‘You really shouldn’t have confronted those guys.’

We had just made love. Sex with Dan is good, you know? He’s a giver, an attentive lover, the kind of selfless man who wants to fulfil all your womanly needs. But Dan could never degrade me. It’s just not in his make-up to do so, and honestly, I don’t want him fulfilling my darker needs as it would violate his character and change what we have. Cuddling after sex is our love language, and chatting with him while I rest in his arms is my favourite thing in the world. This precious time would be under threat if Dan had to mistreat me in bed.

‘They can’t just get away with it,’ I said.

‘It’s dangerous, Sarah. Best to just ignore them.’

‘If I do, they'll never learn, never change,’ I replied.

‘Maybe,’ he said, ‘but I’d rather you be safe. Confronting dickheads only increases your chances of getting in trouble. God forbid, you get assaulted.’

‘Mmm…’ I murmured, ‘I bet they’d abuse the fuck out of me.’

It was a slip. I was sleepy and spoke thoughtlessly. Fuck.

Dan was horrified.

‘It’s a joke,’ I said quickly. ‘A bad joke’—I kissed him—‘sorry. Forget I said it.’

We cuddled in awkward silence.

It had been a joke, but I can tell you that the thought persisted. I fantasised in great detail about the three road workers having their way with me in the nearby alleyway. When Dan fell asleep, I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and masturbated furiously.

Dan is curious by nature, and having said what I said, he raised the issue over breakfast the next morning. ‘Why would you say that?’ he asked.

It’s now or never, I thought, scared shitless. I have to tell him, don’t I?

My confession could ruin everything, which is why I hadn’t revealed my secret before, but really, I should have. Over and above being sensible, Dan is also unflappable. I knew this about him, and I knew he loved me like I loved him. Of all people, he deserved to know me, warts and all. I wanted to grow old with him after all.

‘Dan,’ I said, ‘there’s something you don’t know about me, and I’m sorry I’ve kept it from you.’

‘Okay…’ he said, concerned.

‘I have a few kinks. Some really out there stuff.’

‘Okay…’

‘I… uh… I like to be degraded,’ I said. ‘During sex.’

‘What?’ he said.

‘Degraded. Like, I need to be humiliated. Verbally, physically—’

‘Need?’ he asked, pointedly.

I could see Dan’s mind churning. Need is a strong word. Need is not like. Need is a bigger problem to solve.

‘Well…’ I said, thinking about my increasing desperation to be used like a fuckdoll, a yearning that had grown so strong I seriously considered cheating on Dan, ‘yes, if I’m honest. I do need it.’

‘I could never,’ he said, crestfallen. 

His conflict was hard to witness. ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know, hun. I wouldn’t ask you to. I don’t want you to.’

‘But…’ Dan said, ‘I thought our sex was great.’

‘It is!’

‘But you’re not satisfied?’

I wanted to reassure him that I was, but that would have been a lie.

‘I love you,’ I said. ‘You give me so much. You make me happy, and I really do enjoy and cherish our love-making. It’s just that I also have this other side of me.’

I held Dan’s hand as he processed my bombshell confession.

‘And last night’s comment?’ he asked.

‘I have fantasies of men forcing themselves on me,’ I said.

‘You want to be sexually assaulted?’

‘Not for real, obviously,’ I said. ‘Have you heard of consensual non-consent?’

‘Can’t say that I have.’

‘Well, it’s a type of roleplay for a forced activity where consent is waived, but everyone involved actually gives upfront consent that it’s all okay. You just play like it’s not.’

‘Sounds dangerous.’

‘That’s kind of the point,’ I replied. ‘That’s the thrill.’

We spent the morning talking more about my kinks and experiences. To my profound relief, he was taking it remarkably well. I mean, I revealed things that would shock John Waters, but Dan listened calmly and asked a million questions. You have to admire how secure he is in himself. Unflappable.

That’s not to say it was easy for him. It must have been very hard, but to his credit, he immediately accepted this part of me and took my words at face value. I said I loved him and wanted to be with him. He believed me. I said I needed my dark urges satisfied to be happy. He believed me. I was relieved that we both agreed that he couldn’t and shouldn’t be the one to try to fulfil these needs directly.

Sensible. Unflappable. Dan is something else too. He’s a problem-solver. That evening I found him on his laptop researching my kinks. What a man?

The following Saturday, we spent the day in the back garden barbecuing and drinking beer in the sun. When we took our plates to the kitchen in the front of the house, Dan happened to notice three men through the window. Three men working in the street.

‘Babe, look.’

‘That’s hilarious,’ I said. ‘Can’t believe it’s them.’

‘You should go say hi,’ Dan said.

‘Really?’

He nodded and I squealed in delight.

I opened the fridge, grabbed three beers, and made a beeline outside to meet the Road Boys. 

Their expressions as I approached were priceless. They obviously recognised me from last week’s incident, but I was also wearing a bikini top and hot pants. What to make of me?

‘Hello boys,’ I said, holding out the beers. ‘Looks like you could use refreshment.’

The younger two looked at the foreman, incredulous.

‘C’mon,’ I said, ‘it’s late and it’s hot.’

The older gent looked at his watch and said, ‘Fuck it.’

They accepted the beers gratefully and started gulping it down.

‘We’re sorry about last week,’ Foreman said.

‘Don’t worry about it…?’

‘Mike,’ he said.

‘Don’t worry about it, Mike. Just don’t do it again, to anyone. It’s rude.’

Foreman Mike nodded. He was a big chunk of a man, mid-fifties, bushy hair and unkept beard.

‘I’m Tony,’ said the blonde fuckboy, a tattooed gym rat with piercing blue eyes and a dangerous smile.

‘And what’s your name?’ I asked the slender youngster with the immaculate buzz cut.

‘Lukas,’ he whispered.

‘I’m Sarah, pleased to meet you,’ I said, and they raised their beers. ‘So, how long are you going to be out here making a noise?’

‘I reckon we’re done for the day,’ Mike said. ‘Can’t be drinking on the job. Back tomorrow, and the whole of next week.’

‘Mmm… good to know,’ I said.

They exchanged glances.

‘Sucks you have to work on a Sunday.’

‘Pay is good,’ Tony said.

‘I’d hope so,’ I said. ‘Listen, I have an idea. Why don’t you come over for a quick lunch tomorrow with me and my boyfriend? When’s your lunch break?’

More glances.

‘At one,’ Mike said tentatively. ‘But I’m not sure you want us in your house.’ He gestured to their yellow and orange workwear.

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ I reassured them. ‘I like filthy boys.’

With this, I turned and walked home.

At exactly one o’clock the next day, our doorbell rang.

The Roadboys turned out to be good company, and the lunch was a resounding success. The first few minutes were awkward, as you’d expect, but Dan and I are excellent hosts, and we soon won them over.

When they left, Dan said, ‘They couldn’t stop looking at your crop top.’

‘Why do you think I’m not wearing a bra?’ I said.

‘I think they know what you’re doing, Sarah.’

‘Oh, they think they know,’ I replied. ‘They’ll learn more tomorrow.’

On Monday, I had to stay late at work and by the time I got home, the Road Boys had gone, but I found them on Tuesday afternoon.

‘Hey Sarah,’ Tony greeted me.

‘Hello boys.’

I figured being direct was the best policy.

‘You know that I’ve been flirting with you, right?’ I said. ‘You’re probably wondering what’s she after?, does she want to fuck one of us?, does she want to fuck all three of us?, or more likely you’re thinking what the hell is going on?’

My neighbour walked by and I stopped talking until she was out of earshot. The men waited expectantly.

‘I’ll put you out of your misery,’ I said. ‘Yes, I want all three of you to fuck me. Like a gangbang.’

Mike coughed. Lukas whistled. Tony just grinned like an idiot.

‘That’s not all,’ I said, and proceeded to tell them what I really wanted.

My request was met with a prolonged silence.

‘You’re fucking with us,’ Mike said finally.

‘I’m dead serious,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you think it over? Dan will work out the details with you. Just know that this is what I want, and I give you the permission to do whatever Dan negotiates with you.’

I walked away, buzzing.

Dan spoke to them on Wednesday. And on Thursday. On Friday, he spoke to them again, and when he got home, he said, ‘They’re in.’

I hugged him and said, ‘Are you sure about this?’

‘Yes, dear. It’s bonkers, but I trust you and weirdly, I trust them. It’s too late to back out now anyway. I’ve already given them the key.’

I waited for a week. Nothing. Second week… nothing. After the third week, I figured the Road Boys had flaked out, and then—

I woke up with a start. I couldn’t breathe. It took me a second to register that something was covering my face.

What’s going on? I thought, panicked.

A hand. A hand was smothering me.

The bedroom light flashed on.

Foreman Mike removed his meaty hand from my face and whistled a catcall. ‘Hey there, pretty darlin’,’ he said, looming over me with a wicked grin.

Scanning the room, I saw Fuckboy Tony standing on one side of the bed and Quiet Lukas on the other. All three of them wore their high-vis workwear.

Dan stood against the wall at the foot of the bed as if held there at gunpoint, but seeing the panic on my face, he couldn’t resist taking a step forward. Having regained my full presence of mind, I stopped his advance with a quick shake of my head.

‘You think,’ Mike growled in my face, ‘that you can tell us what to do? Think you can wave your finger at us and parade your tits like a whore without consequence? News flash, bitch, you can’t. And now you’re gonna pay.’

Mike gestured to the others. ‘Hold her down.’

‘No,’ I whimpered.

I struggled against Tony and Lukas’s iron grip. ‘No!’ I shouted.

Mike slapped me in the face, so hard my ears rang. ‘Shut the fuck up, or I’ll really have to hit you.’

I shut the fuck up.

Tony and Lukas are strong motherfuckers and heavy Mike sat over my thighs, pinning me down. I resisted, fighting their grip and kicking my legs, for all the good it did.

Mike grabbed the collar of my pyjamas with both hands and ripped my brushed-cotton shirt wide open, sending the buttons flying across the room.

The lust in the eyes of my would-be abusers was unmistakable. They had been dreaming about this moment (as I have) and now they finally got to see my tits in all their glory, not just my tank top pokies.

Mike grabbed and jiggled them. ‘Look, boys,’ he jeered.

‘Squeeze them,’ said Tony.

‘Oh, I’ll do more than that,’ Mike said and clamped both my nipples between his calloused thumb and index fingers before shaking my breasts like he wanted to rip them from my body.

‘Stop,’ I begged through the pain. ‘Please stop.’

Mike knew not to stop, but still he hesitated. I had tears in my eyes, after all, and my pleading sounded desperate and convincing. But his resolve held firm. Good for you, I thought as he slapped the shit out of me.

‘Try me again,’ he said. ‘I dare you.’

Following his challenge, which I decided to let lie, he leaned forward to lick one of my smarting nipples. His beard scratched my skin with each taste.

My body was on high alert, flushed with adrenaline, awash with sensation. It is also a fact that my nipples are a direct gateway to my pussy. As Mike licked and sucked and bit them, my cunt gushed wetter and wetter.

It’s here where my defiance faltered. All the fight left my body and I went limp, surrendering to the men.

As if on cue, Mike shifted his weight and yanked my pyjama shorts off, throwing them to where Dan stood. I offered no resistance. Next, he ripped my cute little unicorn knickers from my body.

‘As above, so below,’ Mike said.

‘I knew she had a fire-crotch,’ Tony said excitedly.

No shit, Sherlock, I thought. I’m a ginger Irish girl. Of course I have a red bush.

‘Nicely trimmed,’ Mike said as drew his fingers through my wet cunt. ‘Mmm… she wants it, boys.’ He smelled his fingers. ‘The bitch wants it.’

Mike lifted my legs up, and with one hand he pulled his trousers down. I couldn’t see his dick from my vantage, but I sure as shit felt it. Big man Mike had a fat fucking cock and it stretched my pussy to its limit.

‘Fuck her, boss,’ Tony said. ‘Fuck the slag!’

Despite myself, I moaned loudly.

‘Shut… Her… Up…’ Mike said to Tony as he thrust hard and steady.

In two ticks, Tony was undressed. He may be a dimwit, but I could not deny that he had ripped body. And of course he had a Prince Albert piercing in his bellend. He crouched onto the bed, turned my head, and shoved his cock into my mouth.

‘Suck it,’ he said as he fucked my face. ‘Suck my dick, you worthless cock sleeve.’

How to describe the feeling of being degraded and used? It’s frightening. Painful. Humiliating. It’s also exhilarating. Strangely empowering. And cathartic. It’s a very peculiar non-pleasurable pleasure. At least, that’s my experience. I’m weird for getting off on it, I know. But I can’t deny that I do. I probably have my strict parents to thank for that. They seemed to delight in humiliating me as a child. And here I am.

I orgasmed twice before Mike emptied his balls in my pussy. When he withdrew I felt his cum leak out of me. As God is my witness, I will never not love being bred like an animal.

‘My turn,’ Tony declared with a final Prince Albert charge down my throat. He picked me up, turned me round and over, and placed me arse up face down at the foot of the bed.

I briefly locked eyes with Dan before Foreman Mike’s gleaming cock was suddenly in my face. No words needed to be spoken. I dutifully sucked and cleaned my cum off his dick. Even semi-erect, he was a mouthful.

Tony spread my cheeks to lick my arsehole and before long his dick entered and defiled me. I heard him spit on my arse as he fucked it, and every so often he’d smack my thighs for good measure.

Lukas watched silently with an expression I couldn’t decipher.

To his credit, Tony lasted longer than I had expected. By the time he grunted and came in my arse I felt properly used. He slapped my thigh one last time and pulled out. ‘She’s all yours, buddy,’ he said to Lukas, stepping off the bed.

Lukas looked reluctant.

‘You can do it,’ Foreman Mike encouraged.

‘Bust a load down her fucking throat, man,’ Tony suggested.

The Road Boys understood the brief, and they had exceeded my wildest imagination. I rolled off the bed, crouched against the side of it, spread my legs as far as I could, and opened my mouth wide, sticking my tongue out as an invitation.

Mike shoved Lukas forward. ‘C’mon. Do it!’

Lukas looked helpless for a second, but then he found his courage and pulled his trousers down.

Staring at his bulge, I knew I was in big trouble.

‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,’ Tony swore when Lukas lifted his cock out of his undies.

I couldn’t have said it better. Lukas’s big black cock was intimidating as fuck.

I opened my mouth wider.

Lukas stepped forward, grabbed the sides of my head, and thrust into my face. 

It’s always the quiet ones, I thought.

It was brutal. I gagged, choking on his dick, nearly vomiting several times. Tears ran down my face, mixing with my thick drool, which Lukas would gather with his hand and smear across my face. The noise of my gargling dominated the room.

‘Fuck, yeah!’ Tony shouted his admiration.

I was not ready when Lukas came. I tried to swallow his cum, but choked. How could one man produce so much? I coughed and spat when he pulled out. Cum dripped down on my chest and flowed down to my crotch. Before stepping away, Lukas lifted my chin and spat in my face.

I lay down on the floor in a foetal position, breathing hard.

Eventually, I became aware of Mike and Tony standing over me, stroking their dicks as I lay there, helpless. The BBC spectacular had gotten them excited again and soon they covered me in even more cum and spit.

‘Look at your disgusting girlfriend,’ Mike said without missing a beat. He approached Dan and put an arm around his shoulder. ‘Come with me’—he nudged Dan forward—‘and help me clean your filthy cumslut.’

Dan shook his head, shell-shocked.

‘No?’ Mike said. ‘Have it your way…’ He turned to his crew. ‘Line up, boys.’

They towered over me. Mike was the first to piss on me. Right on my face, and back and forth between my hair and mouth. Lukas followed and then Tony. Three streams of hot piss drenching my entire body.

With their bladders emptied, the Road Boys gathered their things and left.

As soon as they exited the room, Dan knelt in the piss next to me. ‘My God, Sarah, are you alright?’

‘Thank you,’ I said. It was all I could muster. ‘Thank you.’

We listened to my abusers laugh and congratulate themselves as they descended the stairs down to our hallway. ‘I’ll run a bath,’ Dan said after our front door creaked open and slammed shut.

Dan washed me and left me to soak in the tub while he cleaned our room as best he could. By 3 am we were in bed, spooning as we usually do but holding each tight.

‘You okay?’ I whispered.

After a short pause, he said, ‘I am, if you are?’

‘I am. More than okay. I loved it. Exactly what I needed.’

‘That’s good,’ he said. ‘I’m glad.’

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ I asked, turning to face him.

‘If this makes you happy, I’m okay. I can handle it.’

‘You’re amazing, you know that?’ I said, overwhelmed with adoration for this extraordinary man who owned my heart.

‘I know.’

‘You could have any woman,’ I said, ‘but you choose to be with a fucked-up bitch like me. I don’t get it, but I’m so grateful.’

‘Easiest choice, Sarah. There’s no one like you.’

I kissed him and we made love.

For the first time in my life I was truly content.