I turn on the water and pull the shower curtain to the side, lifting one leg and then the other into the tub. I allow the warm, wet droplets to caress my naked body, as I stand there, directly below the shower head, closing my eyes. My long, light brown hair gets darker while water pours on it, dripping down my freckled face, trickling down my perky breasts, and slipping down my sensual soft curves of my waist, hips, and ass.

My thoughts wander.

Why did you stupidly say that at work today? Why does your nose look so weird? Your friends hate you. You are embarrassing yourself.

My inner monologue is my worst critic.

I am in the shower and these thoughts, my biggest enemies, start once more. I know what helps: masturbating.

I have anxiety and touching myself is the only coping skill that works for me. Anxiety looks different for everyone, but for me, it manifests as negative intrusive automatic thoughts that leave me ruminating for hours. Time passes and I lose track as my thoughts spiral, making me feel out of control.

So, I drag my fingers down my chest, pinch my hard nipples, move across my curvy torso, down to my little pussy. It tingles, hungry for attention whenever my brain goes haywire.

Wait, my subconscious interrupts, your pussy doesn’t look like the others, it’s too floppy and asymmetrical and puffy.  

My rational mind jumps in to remind me it’s a perfectly good tight pussy with pretty pink lips and soft sexy folds that envelop any dick or finger that slides inside. No one has ever complained about it. I should give myself a break. My mind involuntarily continues,

You shouldn’t be masturbating, you dirty girl. Such a bad girl, you don’t deserve happiness. You’re not worthy, you stupid bitch.

I immediately remove my hand away from my wet cunt. Ouch! My intrusive thoughts are extra harsh today. Fuck, what I would give to not have anxiety. I try to set those thoughts aside and just focus on getting myself off. After all, I’m always horny, and playing with myself always works as a distraction.

I try again.

I slowly spread my pussy lips apart and slide my forefinger down my slit, making way to my little pink clit. I stop to first stroke my outer lips then trace my clit, circling it gently, counter-clockwise rhythmically, like I usually do. The shower water feels warm on my back as I close my eyes.

My bangs, heavy with water droplets, tickle my face, drooping down under the weight of the water. I picture myself on top of some random faceless man, watching my tits bounce as I ride his big hard cock while he grabs my ass and feels up my body…my usual go-to image when pleasuring myself.

My finger slips inside my hole, fitting not one but two fingers as I pump them in and out of my vagina. I feel warm inside, my pussy is wet and slippery from both the shower water and my own juices. I feel my breathing get faster. Mmm, I sigh out loud, when suddenly…

Hurry up, you’re taking too long, that disparaging voice in my head returns loudly, You can’t do anything right, no one will ever truly love you.

I stop. I was so close to finishing. Fuck me. I try again.

This time, I grab the shower head and pull it down between my legs. I need something extra to tune out these thoughts. I turn the handle to switch the water to high pressure and feel the water splash up into my pussy, tickling my clit. The vibrations of the pulsating water reverberate fast through my body, getting me closer to climax.

My body tightens, muscles clenching, my breathing quickens, chest moves up and down. My eyes roll back and my lips part, moaning, Yes, yes…ohhhh yes!!

My legs feel weak and tremble as my pussy twitches and I cum in the shower. My orgasm was so powerful I feel like I blacked out and start to regain consciousness once more.

Wow, fuck that was amazing. I needed that release, my mind feels peaceful now, I reflect smiling to myself while alone in the shower.

In a post-orgasm daze, my mind is quiet as I shampoo and condition my hair and shave my legs. I finish up my shower routine and grab a fluffy towel as I exit the bathroom. I feel clean and ready to start the day, feeling confident and refreshed. I change into my work clothes, put on some makeup, grab my keys, and drive to work.

When I get home from work after a long day, I look forward to taking off my makeup and changing into my soft warm pajamas. I walk by the full-length mirror and tears form in my eyes as I look at myself and hear the thoughts resurface:

You spoke too much during that meeting…They were looking at you funny…You’ll never get that promotion…Everyone is better than you.

My inner monologue betrays me once more and I need to start over; touching myself until my orgasm is so intense it tunes out that negative voice. Maybe when that voice becomes silenced, I can finally heal.