ALEX

The next day he needed to take a painting to some rich people in Saint Tropez. Louise wanted to come along, but she and Rob had a lunch appointment in Cannes first. Alex was supposed to pick her up in the restaurant at one o’clock. Because he was early he parked the van and explored Cannes on foot. He bought a can of Coke and some chocolate and walked to the beach. Cannes had less character than the old town of Nice, he thought, but still, it was better to be here than in his sleepy village in Suffolk.

When the time was right he picked up the van and drove to the restaurant. Louise and Rob were sitting at a table in the back, together with another couple, who were Francis and Monique most likely. Louise told him about them yesterday. Rich people too, who lived here in Cannes and owned a yacht as well.

He walked up to their table and greeted Louise and her knucklehead husband. Louise introduced him to her friends then. Francis seemed nice. His handshake was firm and the sparkle in his eyes genuinely friendly. Alex could tell the man had a good sense of humor too. Monique was pretty for her age. Not nearly as pretty as Louise, but with her blonde hair and blue eyes she was an older version of the kind of girl he had always considered his type.

Louise pulled out a chair next to her and told him to take a seat. She assured him they would be on their way soon. They were having coffee and when they were done with that she would ask for the bill, she said. She looked beautiful today, Alex thought. Her dark hair was recently brushed and her eyelashes looked even longer than usual.

Francis asked Alex how he liked living in the south of France. He spoke English with a heavy accent, but at least he tried. They chatted about the things he had done and seen so far, but at some point, Monique hijacked the conversation and told them about an au pair from America they once had. There seemed to be no end to her story and when Alex noticed she wasn’t really talking to him anyway, he checked out and began to take in his surroundings. It looked like an expensive restaurant. The waiters were all dressed similarly and seemed to be in a hurry. Through the window, he could see the back of the van that was parked along the sidewalk. He hoped he had put enough money in the meter. Monique was still talking about the au pair. The others were laughing about something she had just said.

Alex looked to his left, to where Louise was sitting. She was wearing a black turtleneck with a pearl necklace. The turtleneck was quite tight, he noticed. Her bosom was full, but he didn’t get a view like the other day when he had seen her breasts move underneath the blouse. His gaze went further down, quickly though, before anyone would notice. She had a belt around her waist and he also saw now that the turtleneck wasn’t a sweater, but part of a dress. Her legs were partly hidden underneath the table, but he could tell she had crossed them. The hem of the dress had ridden up the thigh which was resting on the other leg. He glanced at her round knee and the black, high heeled boots below them.

He couldn’t help it, but a rush of something he could only call lust went through his body. Quickly he regained his composure and looked up and around the restaurant again.

Louise was asking Monique something now, and then the French woman began to talk again. Perhaps he could take another look, the little devil inside him whispered.

From the corner of his eye, he glanced down again at her thigh that was shrouded in sheer, black nylon. Deep down he knew it had been coming, but still, it took him by surprise: the loss of control, the heat rushing through his veins and the blood getting pumped into his groin. He no longer felt confused or aroused in a weird kind of way; no, what he was feeling now was pure lust. He wanted to reach out and place a hand on her leg. Move it up her thigh until it couldn’t go any further. He wanted to see her naked, wanted to see those big breasts with his own eyes and then…

‘Shall we go?’ Louise’s voice interrupted his perverted thoughts. Had she caught him looking? He blushed and stood up quickly.

‘I need to pee first,’ he said.

The adults carried on as before, so he was probably in the clear, but as he walked over to the restroom he was painfully aware of his erection. 

They left the restaurant some minutes later. When they crossed the street to the van, he noticed that she was taller than he was now that she was wearing high heels. For some reason that aroused him too. What didn’t excite him, he began to wonder. His fear of becoming a pervert was growing by the minute.

They first drove to the gallery to pick up the painting, which she had already wrapped in paper. Alex put it in the back of the van and off they went. It was an hour and a half’s drive to Saint Tropez. During the ride, Louise talked about the lunch, which she had apparently enjoyed a lot. Alex could tell that she was fond of her friends. He himself felt less relaxed. While he had to drive and keep an eye on the road, he wanted nothing more than to sneak another peek at her legs. Every time he shifted gears he got a chance. Her knees in the soft nylon made him feel weak in the stomach for some reason. The boots she was wearing didn’t help either. It looked like they were made of smooth black leather and the stiletto heels were very high. How could she walk on them so easily, he asked himself.

He remembered the shoe store in Nice, where she had tried on the red pumps. Back then he couldn’t imagine her wearing shoes like that. Now he realized that he didn’t know his former neighbor at all. The way she was dressed today, so goddamned sexy, set him on fire and how bad was that? She was his neighbor’s ex-wife and one of his mother’s good friends, so there was no way his perverted feelings could ever get out. This would have to stay a secret, forever and ever. But even supposing that no one would ever find out, there was still the problem of how to deal with his lust for her on a day to day basis. Of course, the best would be if she would always dress in jeans. That way, he could manage. On the other hand, seeing her like this felt really good too. In a wrong way, but good nevertheless.

Now she was talking about going to the theater in Cannes tomorrow night. Would he like to drive them there? And pick them up again too? That way she and Rob could drink whatever they wanted. He agreed of course. He worked for her and besides, driving them to the theater would be the least of his worries.

The couple in Saint Tropez invited them in for coffee. They were very happy with the painting and clearly wanted to hear more about the artist who had made it. Alex sat down on the couch, next to Louise, and tried to focus on the conversation. Whatever he did, he told himself, don’t look at her legs again. It was impossible though, because when she crossed them or rhythmically moved the tip of a high heeled boot in the air, he couldn’t resist taking a quick look.

The coast was clear, anyway, because no one paid attention to him. He noticed how the hem of her dress had ridden up her thigh again, just like before in the restaurant. God, her thighs looked both full and strong and once more he felt a desire to touch them. A desire which was immediately countered by guilt. What would his friends or parents say if they saw him here like this? He imagined them walking in and seeing the situation for what it was: three adults having a decent conversation and an eighteen-year-old guy with an erection who was trying to peek up the skirt of the woman sitting next to him. A woman who was twenty-five years his senior and also happened to talk to his mother regularly. It was all just too horrible.

But then he looked at her again and saw how she crossed her legs the other way. Vaguely he heard the swishing sound of her nylons and he felt his brain turn to mush all over again.

On their way back Louise made some phone calls. Just when she was done someone called her. It was Alex’s mom, who was keen to hear how the past week had gone. Louise asked him if he wanted her on speakerphone, but he shook his head. He didn’t need to talk to his mom right now and was happy to let Louise do the talking.

‘Your parents talked to Kevin today,’ she said after she had ended the conversation.

‘They did? Why?’

‘He needed your dad’s help with something. DIY stuff apparently. Your mom said he didn’t seem too pleased when he heard you are here with me.’

‘Uh oh,’ Alex said, but then laughed when he saw her expression which seemed to be a mixture between surprise and naughtiness.

‘So how do you get along with Kevin?’ she asked him.

He shrugged and said he hardly ever talked to him, even though they were neighbors and saw each other regularly. Mostly they just said hello and that was it.

‘Why wouldn’t he be happy about me being here though?’

‘Because he doesn’t like me,’ Louise said.

‘You got divorced a long time ago though.’

‘I know, but still…’

He glanced at her and said, ‘The only thing I remember about your divorce is that my parents told me you and Kevin no longer loved each other and that you were moving back to London. It sounds like there was more to it than that. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he like it that I’m here?’

Louise sighed and said, ‘Your parents were right. We didn’t love each other anymore. The way it ended though was ugly. I’m not surprised no one told you at the time. You were still a child back then.’

‘So what happened?’ he asked.

‘I cheated on Kevin,’ she said. ‘I’m not proud of it, but yes, that’s what happened.’

Alex glanced at her again. Now he was surprised. Well, surprised and kind of shocked too. He didn’t know what to say, but saw that she was expecting some kind of reaction, so in the end, he tried to sound mature and repeated something he had once heard one of his friends say.

‘I guess that happens a lot in long marriages.’

In the meantime, though, the pervert in the back of his mind was conjuring up images of his former neighbor in bed with some other man. Damn, he was supposed to condemn her, but why was his penis getting hard then? He looked at her legs again and of course that made things only worse. In order to steer himself away from all the dirty images, he asked her if she had told Kevin.

She shook her head and said, ‘I wish I had.’

‘So how did he find out? Did someone tell him?’

‘No, Alex, no one told him.’

She turned her head and looked out the window to the Mediterranean in the distance. It was clear that she no longer wanted to talk about it. Alex thought of letting it go too, but then realized that the whole street had apparently known about this, except for him. Now that he had dug up part of the story, he would really like to know the rest of it as well.

‘I don’t understand,’ he said.

Louise sighed in frustration and turned back to him.

‘Kevin walked in on us, Alex. You understand what I’m saying? He’d gone away for the day and my lover had come to our house. Kevin came home unexpectedly where he found us in the bedroom. Like I said, I’m not proud of it.’

Alex stared at her as he processed what she had told him, then remembered that he was driving and turned his focus back on the road. Wow, this was a real scandal! He could imagine how angry Kevin and his dad had been with Louise. About his mom’s reaction, he wasn’t so sure. She didn’t seem to like Kevin much and had always praised Louise. Then he imagined it happening, Kevin climbing the stairs in the house in which he still lived and finding his wife in bed with someone else. God, that image set him even more on fire than just the thought of her having an affair.

‘Alex,’ she interrupted his chain of thoughts, ‘talk to me now, otherwise, I would think that you’re angry with me.’

He shook his head and said, ‘No no, I’m not angry. It’s just that I never knew about it.’

‘Well, now you do. It’s a long time ago though and the only thing I regret is the way my marriage ended, not that it ended. I didn’t love Kevin anymore and if we’d stayed together I would have felt miserable and I would never have met Rob and ended up living here.’

‘That’s true,’ Alex said. ‘And like I said: these things happen.’

She chuckled and said, ‘Now you sound like some wise, old granddad.’

Despite her making fun of him he laughed and she joined in, both at ease with each other again. They drove on in silence. It would be dark by the time they got home. Alex thought about his neighbor and imagined his reaction. Knowing Kevin, he had probably made a lot of noise about it. Even these days, whenever he had a problem, he would always come to his dad right away to complain about it. Then he remembered he had once seen Kevin getting angry with someone in the pub. He had still been a boy, but he recalled how two friends had to restrain Kevin otherwise he would have punched the other man in the face. So how about Louise’s lover? Hadn’t he punched him? He still didn’t know the whole story, did he?

‘What are you thinking about?’ Louise asked him in a gentle voice. ‘Are you okay with what I just told you? I hope it doesn’t upset you. After all, Kevin is your dad’s friend and I hurt his feelings badly.’ 

‘No,’ he said, ‘I wasn’t thinking about that.’

‘So what were you thinking about? You looked so serious.’

He glanced at her and said: ‘Well, I just remembered how Kevin almost attacked someone once and then I wondered if he attacked your lover too.’

‘Please, Alex,’ Louise said, ‘don’t make me recall the details of that time. They’re upsetting to me. You understand that, right?’

And he did. As curious as he was, he decided to let it go. An hour later though, when he had parked the van next to the villa and he was about to get out, she said, ‘Alex, hold on one second. Before you image violent scenes happening back then, it wasn’t like that. My lover was a young guy and he was out the window before Kevin could get to him. There was a lot of yelling, there were tears, but that was it. A big drama, but nothing violent, okay?’

Alex thought about this and thanked her for clarifying that, because yes, he had begun to imagine uglier scenes. They got out of the van then and walked to the back of the house. The sky was dark, the moon was above the hills in the distance. He heard the sound of her high heels on the stone path. My lover was a young guy, she had said. How old had he been, he wondered? He wanted to ask her, but felt embarrassed. Then again, it was dark and she wouldn’t see him blush.

They walked in silence until they got to the terrace. Here she would go into the house and he would go down the steps to the garden and his apartment. He asked her then, with his heart beating in his chest. He tried to make it sound light, but he could tell that his voice wavered.

‘So how old was your lover?’

Her smile lit up in the darkness, her beautiful white teeth beaming at him.

‘Are you curious, Alex?’

He nodded and waited for her to continue. She observed him while she seemed to be making up her mind. Although it was dark he felt she was looking straight through him. It made him feel vulnerable and naked.

‘I’ll tell you on two conditions,’ she said. ‘One, this stays between you and me. No one in your village knows and I would like to keep it that way. And two, I want it to be a fair exchange. I open up to you, you open up to me too.’

‘About what?’ Alex asked.

‘About whatever comes our way. I want you to promise me that you will confide in me the same way I am confiding in you now. Agreed?’

He felt his heart beating in his chest. Although she sounded kind of abstract he got the gist of it and knew this could mean trouble for him later on. Nevertheless, he nodded, because how could he turn back now?

‘Okay,’ Louise said. ‘He was eighteen. Your age. He was a tennis player at one of the clubs in town. Kevin didn’t know him and never saw his face.’

Again, Alex didn’t know what to say. Frankly, it was all just mindboggling, these revelations about his former neighbor. Add to that the clothes she was wearing and he realized he was in for a confusing and possibly sleepless night in his bed.

‘Anything else you would like to know?’

She said it with a smile, teasing him again.

‘How old were you at the time?’

‘Thirty-three, I think. Does that shock you?’

He thought about it and said, ‘A little bit.’

She looked at him in silence now. Her arms were folded across her chest, her eyes black in the darkness.

‘What else?’ she asked. Less playful now, more serious.

He cleared his throat and asked, ‘How long were you together with him?’

‘About two months, I would say.’

He nodded, ready to leave it at that, but now she asked him why he wanted to know. He felt the heat rush to his cheeks and was grateful for the darkness.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Perhaps because I’ve never talked to anyone who has had an affair.’

A few seconds passed. He felt how she was observing him.

‘Is that the only reason you’re asking?’

He hesitated, feeling confused about her question, but then he nodded.

‘Yes,’ he said, but he could hear that his voice sounded strange.

‘Alright, Alex,’ Louise said. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow then.’

And with that, they each went their way. When Alex had closed the door of the apartment behind him he let out a deep sigh. He closed his eyes and whispered to himself, ‘What is happening to me?’

He heated up a lasagna from the freezer, and as he sat on the couch eating it his thought kept going back to what she had just told him. She had slept with an eighteen-year-old tennis player while she was married. Wasn’t that supposed to be despicable? Shouldn’t his moral verdict erase his lust for her? Oh, he really wished it did, but the truth was that, in his mind’s eye, he kept seeing her naked with the guy and the only thing that got erased was his capability to think clearly.

The joint he smoked a little later was what saved him that evening. He had rolled an extra-strong one, which caused him to pass out. Normally it was not the healthiest option, but tonight it prevented him from making things worse and getting sucked into masturbation fantasies about his mother’s friend. He knew that once he went there, he would enter a world of shame in which he’d be stuck forever.

***

Fortunately, he got some reprieve the next day, something he felt eternally thankful for. By the time he had had breakfast and went up to the villa, both Rob and Louise weren’t there. He found a note on the kitchen table saying that Rob had a business meeting in Monaco and Louise was in Cannes to visit a friend. Neither of them would be back before 4 PM.

It was just what Alex needed. A day alone to clear his mind. First, he would finish work in the attic. He estimated he needed around two hours for that. Then he could spend the afternoon as he liked. Talk to his friends, smoke another joint and listen to some music. Get back to normal, in other words.

By the time the sun went down, he felt happy and relaxed. The day had gone exactly as planned. He had listened to three albums of Bob Dylan on his walk through the forest and had a hilarious talk with Dave. Feeling high and euphoric, he hadn’t wanted to tell his friend that Louise wasn’t crazy about him coming over for a visit. It would have spoiled the moment. In fact, he might even have encouraged his friend to start looking for tickets.

He thought about that now, as he sat on the couch and rolled another joint. What if he just didn’t make a big deal out of Dave’s visit? Not discuss it further with Louise, but make it a surprise instead? Surely she wouldn’t really mind, would she? Dave was fun and he would stay here with him in the apartment. Hell, he could even help with the work around the house! The more he thought about it, the better it sounded to just have his friend come over without making a fuss.

Before lighting up the joint he had just rolled, he put a pizza in the oven. From the kitchen window, he saw the lights were on in the villa. He hadn’t seen Louise all day and as much as he liked her, he didn’t mind.

When he had finished the pizza, he cleaned up in the kitchen and then smoked his last joint of the day. What a good one it was! A perfect blend of tobacco and soft, Moroccan hash. The smell was exquisite, the taste better than chocolate. And the effect on his mind? Simply divine! The way it made his thoughts softer and more fluid, the clarity it gave him. He did need to look for a local dealer soon, though, because he had just one tiny piece left now. Anyway, he could worry about that tomorrow. Now, just relax and follow the tones of Pink Floyd’s ‘Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun’.

He closed his eyes and thought being high was like being underwater, moving in harmony with the fresh water of a mountain creek. No, actually being that mountain creek. Flowing endlessly, not bothered by time and other silly restrictions. Just harmony and being one with nature. The best feeling he had ever had. The drums in the meantime kept him going, kept deepening his trance. One of them a little bit off, but that was Pink Floyd, always surreal, always surprising.

The drum got louder though, began to sound as if there was an urgency to it. He opened his eyes and realized it wasn’t a drum that he had heard, but someone pounding on the door with a fist. What the hell? Yes, there it was again, louder even. Quickly he got up and stumbled to the door, still half in a trance. He opened it and there she was. Louise, dressed up in black, but more importantly, looking at him furiously.

‘Weren’t you supposed to take us to the theater tonight? I’ve texted and called you a hundred times.’

The moment she said it, he remembered, of course. Their night out. He was going to be their driver, so they could drink. What now, though? He didn’t know and just stared at her. God, she looked gorgeous again, but her eyes were fiery and he knew he was in trouble.

‘Great,’ she said. ‘You’re high again. Well done, Alex. Not only did you mess up our evening, but you also had me worried that something happened to you. But no, you’re just high and in your silly, little world.’

He blushed and wanted to protest, but he lacked coherency. He turned around then, in search of his phone that he wanted to blame for this cluster fuck. Then he remembered he had put it on silence when he was in the forest this afternoon. He turned back to the doorway where Louise was still standing.

‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘I’ll take you.’

As he said it though, he also noticed the way she was dressed and he could hear the impact of that in the wavering of his voice. She was wearing a classy, black dress that was much shorter than the one she had on yesterday. It came to just above her knees and was tight. His gaze went further down then. He couldn’t help himself, even though she was standing there, looking at him with her hands on her hips. Like yesterday, she was wearing sheer, black pantyhose, this time not with boots though, but with shiny, black pumps. He took it in quickly, but knew she had noticed.

‘Hello,’ she said, ‘could you please focus on me instead of my legs?’

Her remark almost floored Alex. He was so goddamn high and felt terrible for having forgotten about their night out and now she said this on top of it all? The shame made his head spin and he had to hold on to the door frame, otherwise, he would have fallen over.

Louise, in the meantime, still looked livid.

‘You can’t drive us,’ she said. ‘You’re too high to drive. I guess I’ll drive myself. We don’t have enough time to wait for a taxi and Rob has already had a drink.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ Alex stammered. He knew there was no point in insisting that he could drive. She was right, it wouldn’t be safe.

Sorry didn’t do it though. She was furious with him and turned around without another word. He saw her go and desperately called out to her, ‘Louise, wait!’

She didn’t stop though, so he followed her in his socks. He stumbled up the path, still high as a kite, but feeling terribly guilty and ashamed. Against the light coming from the villa and the lanterns in the garden, he saw her silhouette, the hourglass figure and the shapely calves moving away from him. The sound of her high heels on the stones was both sexy and disconcerting. Leaving him here like this felt like punishment. He wanted to make it up to her and said so out loud.

She stopped walking and turned around to face him. In her heels, she was already taller than he was, but now she was also higher up the path to the villa.

‘Make it up to me?’ she asked. ‘How? What do you have in mind?’

He had no idea though, so he just stood there.

Louise sniffed and said, ‘That’s what I thought.’

With that, she turned around and left him there. It was only when he walked back down to his apartment that he became aware of his erection.

The rest of the night Alex felt terrible. He hated arguing, especially with people he valued. When he came to France some weeks ago he had had doubts about Louise, but those thoughts had vanished. He had come to respect her and just this afternoon, talking to Dave, he had called her ‘really, really cool’.

The fact that she also terrified him in some ways was something else, of course, something which both worried and excited him. Sitting on the couch he recalled the scene in the garden. Her blazing eyes and the way her body had towered over him. Why on earth had that turned him on so much? Now that he thought about it, he knew that, while part of him was truly sorry, another, darker part had felt thrilled by her anger. A sensation that reminded him of the olive jar and the tennis game, a feeling that she was somehow superior to him.  

Much later, when he was about to go to bed, he received a text from her. She wrote that they had just come out of the theater and were having a drink now. They were taking a taxi back, she said, and would pick up the Mercedes tomorrow. She also apologized for being so harsh on him, but added that she did feel disappointed with him when she realized he was high and had forgotten his promise. A sense of relief flooded through Alex’s body and he hurried to say that he was so, so sorry. They exchanged a few messages, in which he asked about the play and apologized once again.

In the end, they seemed to be okay again. In her last text she suggested he join her tomorrow morning for a run and even though he didn’t feel like it, he knew that he’d better not say no.

TO BE CONTINUED...