What I'm about to tell you, as we say in the spy business, is something I should not be telling you. So please, please, please don't tell anyone what you read here. And if you're a spy or terrorist, please stop reading now, because there's some top secret, sensitive information you're not supposed to know about.

Okay, now that it's safe to talk, I guess I should let you know a little about me. For obvious reasons, I can't tell you my name. Well, maybe my first name. It's Bob. And maybe a hint of my last name. Let's just say it sounds like Randall. Heck, it's even spelled like it. I work for a top-secret spy agency of the government. How top secret? Let's just say, even if it wasn't top secret, it would still be top secret. It doesn't get more top secret than that. 

Just getting into the building requires us to use top-secret code words. Mine is 'Rosebud,' named after my cat. You're probably thinking that that doesn't seem very secure. Well trust me, it is. Who names a male cat, Rosebud? And even if foreign agents broke into my home and somehow guessed my cat's name, he would just ignore them like he does with me anyway. It doesn't get more secure than that.

As for my job? I work in the micro division of the agency. What is the micro division, you ask? We're a division that infiltrates enemy computers and injects viruses, rendering them useless. You're probably thinking this involves a complicated process. Believe it or not, it's actually not that complicated at all, with the exception being the shrink ray (yes, they do exist).

We use the ray to shrink our agents and the pod they'll be traveling in, before injecting them into the computer and off into the high-speed internet. And I'm not kidding when I say "high speed." The only tickets the internet cops give out is if you're going too slow.

Once we locate an enemy computer, it's time to go to work, injecting the virus. Or, "the easy part," as we like to say, which involves nothing more than injecting an agent with the virus, sending him into their system, have him cough a couple of times and then retrieve him before they even know what hit them.

It isn't long before the virus takes effect, starting with a low-grade fever which gets progressively worse until the computer caves in and calls in asking for a sick day. Then we move in, gather all the information which is no longer protected, and head home. I have to say, we're good at our job.

We have a very high success rate. Perhaps because of our success, our enemies have adapted, and are no longer relying on their computers. They are now communicating their plans the old fashioned way, face to face, in person, which in turn, is now causing us to adapt.

Our most recent case involved a strange book club that recently started. Strange in that it's an all female, as in young, sexy female book club, whereby every member is required to attend nude, with the exception of masks. What could that be about? Why masks if you are otherwise naked? The logical explanation? They are enemy spies trying to hide their identity while also making sure no one is wired! Now we're faced with trying to infiltrate this "book club," but how? 

My department head suggested we send one of our female agents in, but unfortunately, none of our female agents were young or sexy enough for it to work.

"We could recruit one," I said.

"It would take too long to train her," he responded.

"Not really," I said. "It should only take two weeks, tops."

"That's two weeks too long. We intercepted a phone call and heard one of the members say, 'Let's get naked.' If that's not a battle cry, I don't know what is."

And that's when an idea hit me. "What if we just send a young, sexy civilian female to the book club?"

The department head looked at me for a while as if he were considering it before answering, "Can't do it. We're top secret, remember?" Then after a short pause, said, "Unless, we use the shrink ... "

He didn't need to say anymore. We both were thinking the same thing. We needed to shrink a pod, carrying an agent, and somehow getting them into a young, sexy woman who would then go to the book club without even knowing she was helping to spy on them. As luck would have it, I knew just the woman.

Sarah was my next door neighbor. Talk about young and sexy. She had the bluest eyes that sparkled and shined. Her long blonde hair had a glow about it, as if to say, "look at me," to anyone who passed near her. Her body was fit and trim, with just the right amount of curves that could draw the attention of anyone, even a blind man.

I'm not kidding about that. My blind grandfather paid a visit. He couldn't stop smiling when she was around. Now I needed to find a way to trick her into joining the book club, but how? 

I decided to come up with a fake story about how my younger sister wanted to join this new book club, but wasn't sure if she wanted to. She was too shy to just go, so I told her I would try to get someone else to join and report back what it was like, so my sister could make an informed decision. Sarah didn't seem to be thrilled by the idea and I hadn't even told her about the naked part. I almost decided not to even ask, but did anyway. "There's a rule in this club. You have to be naked."

With no hesitation, Sarah said, "I'll do it."

I started to tell her about the masks, but before I could finish, she shouted, "I said I'll do it!"

I had no idea I could be so persuasive. Maybe next time I should ask her out.

And so, the day came. Before leaving, I made sure she took a sip from a water bottle, one containing the pod. One sip was all that was needed. ( High-speed internet, remember? Yeah, we move fast.) We said our goodbyes as she walked to her car. Then it was time to get to the control center to make sure everything was going as planned. 

"Mission Control to Pod One, Mission Control to Pod One, can you read me?" I waited, but there was no response. I was about to call out again when Pod One finally answered.

"Mission Control, I think, I think something went wrong. I can't see anything."

"Hold on," I answered. "I'll try to get a reading of where you are."

As I looked at the anatomograph ( yes, we have one of those), I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Instead of heading to the visual center of the brain, he was heading down to the underbelly of her body.

"Mission Control to Pod One. I've got some bad news. You're heading the wrong way. Pod One, are you there?" Then I heard another voice.

"Mission Control, this is Pod Two."

Pod Two? Here I was thinking we only sent one pod.

"Pod Two," I answered, "What are doing here?"

Pod Two responded, "They thought they should send one pod to see what's going on and one pod to hear what's going on."

I have to admit, that was a good idea. If we couldn't see what's going on, at least we could hear it. And then Pod Two added, "I think, I think something went wrong. I can't see anything."

"Hold on," I said again as I checked the anatomograph. "I'll try to get a reading of where you are." After looking, I said, "Not this again?"  

Pod Two responded, "Not what again?"

"Pod Two," I began, "you're going the wrong way. Instead of going to her ear canal, you're heading to the underbelly of her body." I waited for a response with none coming. "Pod Two, are you there?"

Something was obviously interfering with communication. With no answers from either pod, I knew I had to do something. The mission could still be saved, they were just going to have to see and hear from some other part of her body, but where? Using the anatomograph and going on the assumption that they could still hear me, I started to instruct them. 

"Pod One, if you can hear me, I think we can still salvage the mission. I need you to keep going in the direction you're going. With any luck, you should be able to see something soon. Pod Two, if you can hear me, you need to do the same thing." I watched as both pods picked up speed. They heard me! That's when the alarm went off. 

The anatomograph showed that Sarah's heart rate had picked up. She must have just gotten out of her car and was walking to the house.

"Pod One and Two, she's almost there. You have to pick up the pace."

What was taking them so long? I guess going through someone's body was harder than going through electronic equipment. That's when a second alarm went off. Her heart rate increased again. What was she doing, running?

"Mission Control, this is Pod One."

Finally, communication again.

"Go ahead Pod One," I answered.

"Where exactly are we supposed to be heading?" 

"I'm not sure how to answer that," I began. "Uh, one of you will be heading to a very warm, possibly wet place, while the other will be heading for the darkest and deepest of dark, dark places."

After a long moment of silence, Pod One asked, "Which one is going to the dark place?"

"It's hard to tell," I answered. "Both of you are so small, it looks like one dot."

I could hear Pod One whispering a curse before responding, "Well I hope it's Pod Two. I hate that prick... Oh, it looks like he heard me... Same to you, asshole!" 

"Wait a minute," I answered, "you can hear Pod Two? I can't." Just then I heard Pod One laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked.

After a little more laughter, Pod One replied, "Oh, I'm justing sitting here, thinking how wonderful it is to not be stuck in some dark, dark place. By the way, be thankful you can't hear Pod Two. I, for one, am loving it."

And then the alarm sounded again. Sarah's heart rate had increased dramatically. 

"Mission Control to Pod One, can you see anything? Pod One, respond please."

"Pod One to Mission Control. Oh baby, am I seeing something. I am looking at quite possibly the fittest women I have ever seen in my life... She's rubbing one of her hands on her one of her breasts... And now she just moved her other hand between her legs... Now she's rubbing there too."

That's when it became clear to me. Pod One had made it to the place he needed to be and was basically seeing from Sarah's point of view and seeing a woman who was across from her. But what about this rubbing of her breast and between her legs? Could this be some kind of secret code? If so, we needed to find out, now.

"Mission Control to Pod One. Activate the video camera. Pod One, do you hear me? I said, activate the video camera... now!"

I listened and all I could hear was heavy breathing. My God! Was he suffering a heart attack? Then the alarm went off again. Sarah's heart rate had increased again. If this keeps up, there could be two heart attacks.

"Mission Control, this is Pod One." 

"Pod One, what's going on? Sarah's heart rate keeps going up."

"And I can't say I blame her one bit, Mission Control. If you were seeing the same thing she and I are seeing, you're heart would..."

"My heart would what, Pod One? Pod One, respond please."

"Mission Control, she's looking right at me. I think she spotted me."

"Who spotted you, Pod One?"

"She's picking it up. She's coming this way! I'm going to have to retreat!" 

"Who spotted you, Pod One? Answer me! What did she pick up!"

All I heard next was screaming and Pod One yelling, "The vibrations! The vibrations!"  

What was going on? And that's when I realized what he had been trying to say. One of the book club members figured out they were being spied on and was now trying to disable the pod, apparently with some kind of device used to shake the pod apart, hence the vibrations. I was now going to have to do the impossible, convince Pod Two to put aside his differences and rescue Pod One.

"Mission Control to Pod Two, Pod One is in serious trouble! He needs your help! Pod Two! Do you read me!" 

"Pod Two to Mission Control. No can do. Whatever trouble he's in will have to wait. The shrink ray is starting to wear off."

Oh, brother. What more could go wrong? If Pod Two was correct, Sarah's life could be in danger. I ordered Pod Two to abort the mission. He needed to get out of there now. And once again, there was no response. These communication problems were starting to drive me crazy. "Pod Two! If you can hear me, abort now!"

That's when I heard Pod Two yelling, "I can't! There's something in the way!"

Then I heard screaming and a horrifying buzzing sound. My God! They figured out where he was too. Then I heard one last scream before complete silence. I checked the anatomagraph... nothing. 

"Pod One! Pod Two! Respond please!" I waited... just total silence.

I knew what that meant. The mission had failed. What about Sarah? I'm sure once they found out, it would be curtains for her too. I couldn't even bring myself to go search for her.

After writing up my report, I returned to my apartment, fully intending to drink myself into unconsciousness. With the way I was feeling, that was going to take a lot of cups of warm milk. I just got up to my floor when who should be waiting by my doorstep? It was Sarah. But how? 

She just looked at me and said, "Yes." 

I was confused. Yes to what?

She apparently saw my confusion and said, "Tell your sister she should definitely join that club. That's one wild night we had. I don't think I've ever had such a good time. They even hired these two male strippers who popped out of these two weird spaceship things that they somehow made appear in the middle of the room. Between you and me though, I hope they get better strippers next time. Those two had messed up hair and looked like they were strung out on something. They couldn't even strip themselves. We had to do it for them."

So we were wrong. The book club wasn't some terrorist organization. As for the masks? Sarah told me later the club was for women too shy to be completely naked in front of each other. I guess it makes sense, but then again, I'm telling you all of these top secret things I'm not supposed to be telling you. Everything makes sense.