Darlene stepped around the front bumper and gave me a hug as she whispered "Did I mention that this is an all-woman survival commune?" in my ear.

"You forgot to share that little detail with me. What the fuck are we going to do now?" I whispered back.

Darlene was like that. She tended to skimp on the details and fill the void with trivia or useless information. Darleen held my hand as we broke from our embrace, and spoke to the assembled women on the porch. "I would like you to meet my lover, Dennis Richards, everyone. He's old, but he's a very nice guy once you have a chance to know him."

An older woman, who appeared to be the group's leader, stepped forward and said, "I'm Sheila Carson, Mr. Richards. Please come inside. I think we need to have a talk."

I had the same, uneasy "Oh crap! Now, what?" feeling that I used to have when I got summoned to the principal's office as a kid.

Sheila turned on her heels, walked inside, and the rest of us followed her into the cabin's great room. If the cabin had looked large from the outside, it looked like it went on forever standing in the middle of the hall. It was enormous. A massive freestanding stone fireplace dominated the center of the room, and a blazing fire radiated heat and light in all directions.

A cathedral ceiling towered over the open space, and rustic balconies ringed the wall on all sides at the second story level. Thousands of LED icicle lights hung from the balcony railings and stairways. A soft, comforting glow bathed the room.

Sheila directed us to follow her to her office upstairs. She stood about five feet six and was a good-looking woman about my age. Streaks of red highlighted her closely cropped brunette hair, and she appeared to be in excellent physical condition.

Her skin had the bronze tan of someone who was no stranger to hard outdoor work. Her face was more attractive than beautiful. She was wearing faded work jeans and a low-cut wool sweater, which allowed an excellent view of well-tanned medium-sized breasts and ample cleavage.

Sheila's office featured a large oaken desk and a stone fireplace. A picture window filled one wall with a breathtaking view of the frosted mountains painted silver in the light of a nearly full moon. A floor-to-ceiling bookcase crammed with books covered the opposite wall. There were several oriental rugs scattered about on the wood floor

"Make yourselves comfortable, I'll be right back." Sheila made a quick exit through a side door.

Her abrupt departure startled me. Something was brewing, and I wasn't sure I cared for the flavor. Darlene and I took a seat on a small sofa in front of a coffee table and exchanged worried glances while we waited.

I leaned close to her ear and whispered, "What the hell is going on? This ain't the warm and fuzzy welcome we expected."

"I know. Seriously, I don't understand. I told Sheila's assistant that you were coming with me, and she said, 'Great, the more, the merrier.’”

We could hear the muffled voices, but not the words, of two women engaged in a heated discussion in the next room. The conversation ended abruptly, and a moment later Sheila entered the office with another woman in tow.

"Your presence here presents us with something of a problem, Mr. Richards. Darlene sent us a text message to our satellite phone. She told us she was bringing her lover 'Denise' with her. It was on that basis that we gave our permission for you to join our family of sisters." Sheila crossed her arms and studied us closely.

Darlene let out a little gasp just before she burst out laughing. "Fucking auto-correct will get you every time. I dictated that message on my iPhone, and I never caught the error when it changed Dennis to Denise," Darlene said.

Oh, damn! Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. We were at the intersection of Colossal and Fuck Up. It took Sheila only a moment to absorb the implications of Darlene's unintended error. There was no conspiracy at work here, just faulty technology.

"Error or not, Mr. Richards' presence in our family of sisters might produce, er, unwanted sexual tension; that kind of stress can be bad for families," Sheila explained as she took a seat across from us.

"Seriously? If you're all lesbians, how can an old fart like me produce any sexual tension?" I protested.

"There are capital-L Lesbians, and there are lowercase-L lesbians, Mr. Richards, and then there are those who might want to find pleasure from a man out of mischief or mere curiosity. The fact that you're old makes you seem harmless, but I know better. You're not as safe as you appear. You have already seduced one of our first lesbian sisters and convinced her to take you on as a lover," Sheila answered as she glanced over at Darlene.

I also gave Darlene an inquiring look of my own. I had suspected, but never known for sure that my lady love walked both sides of the street.

Sheila leaned forward and looked directly into Darlene's eyes. "Since we're already on the subject, why on earth did you pick such an old guy for a lover in the first place? My God girl, he's old enough to be your father or even your grandfather."

Darlene laughed. "Everyone wants to know about our May-December relationship. I picked Dennis because he's low maintenance, easy to be with, and treats me with respect. He's a fantastic lover and knows how to make a woman happy. His tongue is very talented."

Sheila looked over at me and raised a questioning eyebrow. I just smiled back and shrugged as the “talented tongue” comment seemed to hang in the air forever.

She let the silence stretch out a bit, and then leaned across the coffee table, took Darlene's right hand in her own, and asked, "Tell me, dear sister, is his penis as talented as his tongue?"

I shifted in my seat and struggled to keep a neutral expression as the two women discussed my sexual performance. I couldn't imagine a more awkward conversation.

Darlene looked surprised at Sheila's question, and then looked thoughtful. She told Sheila after several moments of reflection, "His penis is untrained, and it doesn't work nearly as well as his tongue. Sometimes my lover can't get it up or keep it up. Other times his pecker has a mind of its own. He often suffers from premature ejaculation when he finally does get an erection."

Sheila glanced over at me and raised another questioning eyebrow. I just blushed, shrugged, and did my best to sink out of sight in the sofa. I tried to avoid any response that might extend discussion further. Darlene had a tendency to overshare information.

Turning toward her companion, Sheila asked, "Will you please show Darlene to her room and round up a few of the sisters to help unpack their vehicle, Lucia? I need to spend a few minutes to bring Dennis up to speed on the ground rules for our colony. Please let the kitchen crew and the others know that we may be a little late for dinner."

With a quick kiss on my lips, Darlene rose and give Sheila a slightly longer kiss as she followed Lucia out of the room. As the door closed, Sheila stood and beckoned me to follow her. "Let's adjourn to the next room where we can be more comfortable. We've got a lot to talk about."

There was no doubt about it, I was a stranger in a very strange land.